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Anyone else like "Technically not out, but I just don't care anymore"?


LaReine
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Anyone else like "Technically not out, but I just don't care anymore"?

Like, technically I'm not out (whatever this means) but I just don't care anymore. I'm so fed up with not having anyone to speak to, I frequently post aro/ace/queer memes and awarness post in my IG stories etc. and don't care who reads it (as long as my mum doesn't read it because I have no motivation for having that discussion with her) 

Also I became very outspoken about the state of my mental health lol. 

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I just feel no need to tell most people. Why is it their business if I don't have romantic feelings for someone I'm having sex with? And when does that naturally come up in conversation anyway?

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I gave up trying to be open after it backfired too many times, and seen the overwhelming evidence that many humans love to judge the less they know. It also gets tiring to explain myself each and every time.

Edited by SkyTuneRein
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Who cares about "coming out" anyway? I just let people try to figure it out for themselves what they think I am. If they get it wrong, I really don't care, they can just ask me if their so interested to know, but I'm not going to go out of my way to tell someone something they don't want/care to know. 

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I have never felt even the remotest need to "come out". I don't see how my orientation is anyone's business but my own, and it's not something that really comes up in conversation. It's not like my not having sex or being romantic in any way interferes with my relationships with friends or family.

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I'm casually out to my LGBT+ friends, but not to the average person or family. It's not their business, and I don't particularly like the fact that people relentlessly tend to question aromantics and asexual folks (and everyone on those spectrums) about their identity. It's easier to say "I'm not interested in dating," give some shrugging, casual answer to "omg WHY??", and move on.

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I let people assume what they want, even when the topic comes up, I usually say I'm not interested in dating at the moment. I'm not out, but I don't hide either, if someone asks me about my orientation, I'll answer honestly. 

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Yeah I’ve come out to like 4 people, only because I talk to them a lot about serious things and it felt right to tell them (they were all super chill about it). I’ll sometimes come out if I know the person already knows what aromanticsm is, because I really don’t care about people knowing.

When it comes to family or people who I think will take it badly, I just say “I’m happy alone” or “I like to focus on school/my career” because they’re more likely to take that answer instead, and truly coming out is very vulnerable.

idk if that made sense lol

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  • 1 month later...

I sort of accidently came out to an almost stranger because I really just don't care that much anymore. We were in a group talking about relationships and I just said 'being aromantic' then made the hand-pass-over-the-head (with a whoosh noise) movement then went to eat more food. 

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If it's not in a space where I know there are other queer people who knows about the terms and/or has familarity with the community in some way, I just tend to give answers with some humor to them usually (Ie. now that I'm 22, when my aunt on dad's side keeps talking about how I surely have an interest in someone, I gleefully inform her that nope, I am not, and if pressed on if I don't want a boyfriend, my answer is usually a "what use would I even have for a boyfriend? I don't need one, so I'll pass" etc) since I've always been a bit of an odd ball and on both sides of the family, I'm not the only one who's not into relationship stuff/early settler since said aunt's daughters for example are closing to their fourties too.

I did mention about it to my mom and I'm not sure whether she thinks I'm a lesbian at this point or not bc my go to with her is throwing her off with a "so what if I ended up with another woman instead?" and at this point, she is just "Well, I guess I would just have to live with that, then." so 😋

And I think being autistic also plays a bit of a hand in that too, as while I was never officially diagnosed, I was always the youngest and "weird" cousin one way or the another, talking about my hyper interests they would say were childish and I would grown out of (while instead I'm very much planning to work in those fields as a translator now lol) and more of the loner type who got good grades/was the "smart kid", so I think that also plays a bit of a hand in lack of pressure from family overall since I still have the 'excuse of' studying for post graduate stuff. (And I'm lucky enough to live closer to mom's side of the family than dad's as former probs just assumes that like their daughters who focused on their studies and found partners at work, I'm just focusing on getting my own shit together before settling down with someone than latter's extremely patriarchal expectations.)

With friends, if the topic comes up and I tend to say it and I don't hide my confusion about romantic and sexual attraction if the topic goes there, but that's really only applicable for people I meet irl bc I never really hide I'm aro online, and don't use any accounts linked to family/people who aren't in my inner circles so.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I’m not out because it won’t really change anything and it could also make things more complicated and I’d get stressed out because of the environment. I guess I’m fine with dealing with expectations and such, I’m starting to get used to it. I used to be very romance-repulsed but after looking into my identity, I felt more indifferent and it’s enough for me personally. It does get annoying with some type of jokes/discussions that involve me in some type of romantic relationship in a traditional sense, but again, I can deal with it so yeah.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm not "out" but I don't think anyone thinks I'm straight. Besides my parents, but they don't care, they just be like "don't date a person who (really ANNOYING thing)", and like 4 friends. 

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I ain't out per se to anyone but my best friend. The rest of my friends have questions about what the hell I am but they don't ask so I don't say. If i trust the person I will tell i am aro but if not I say that they do their best guess. For my sexuality only 1 person know the update on it and I like it that way. (I thought I was pansexual but maybe I'm not and I am processing it for now)

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I'm not really out as aro, I doubt any of my friends or family would understand it. It's kind of obvious judging by the way that I act, but I'm not outing myself unless someone directly asks me about it

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I've told two of my closest friends that I'm questioning my romantic orientation. I told them because a. I trust them with my entire life so why wouldn't I?, and b. both of them have questioned their romantic orientation. One identified as aroace for like two years and is still somewhere on both spectrums, and the other is alloallo i think and did go through a long questioning period. They're both dating now actually they're really cute together and have been super helpful in me figuring this out.

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  • 1 month later...

Ive told most of my friends and family members that im not looking for a relationship, unless someone directly approaches me I wont go looking and that I dont want to get married ever. So I guess i told them but I never technically told them 'hey im aromantic'. I feel like most of them understand.

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Not out but still not sure if it would make a difference to the people I care for. I've been "withdrawn" from the sentimental matters so long that my absence of relationship with any kind of person for so long that they must know something. Even though the concept of aro isn't widespread in all circles... I suppose, knowing me as they do, their answer would be "oh well, alright, whatever makes you happy"

Edited by vinniebandit
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I just don't relate to the concept of coming out (except maybe when it comes to tell my parents).

Except in my family, it is nt something I "hide". I just don't go to people and say "by the way, I'm aromantic". But if they ask me about my relationship or assume that I want a romantic relationship, I will tell them that I don't feel romantic attraction or even use the term "aromantic" (it depends if I want to sound like a walking dictionnary or not lol).

The difference with m family is that they have expectations of me getting married someday. My father will not understand (he thinks that asexual people "don't like sex"; I'm scared of what he'll say about aromantic people). My mother probably think I'm a lesbian and try to be supportive by saying "it is better to be gay than being alone"... Which of course, doesn't help at all. So with them, I do hide it and it will feel like coming out to tell them, but only with them. For the rest of the world, I am out, they just don't know it if they don't bring it up in the conversation lol.

 

It's funny because when I discovered it, I somehow wanting to tell to people. But then I just realized that I don't need to scream it to be openly aromantic, if you see what I mean.

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Yeah, I've only "officially come out" as aroace to a handful of people, but I honestly just don't care anymore. Since my separation, I really have zero reason to hide what I am. I'm not looking to "hook up" and I can't handle romance. If it comes up, it comes up. that said, I do like having people to talk to about it, though. Which is why these forums are great.

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