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  1. 7 points
  2. 6 points
    I would like to personally challenge my non-aro ace friends to stop thinking that I, a non-ace aro, am like them and share their interests. I don't understand, they know I'm not ace?? And you'd think bc of their orientations they'd know that aro and ace aren't the same thing and yet?? No, I will write sex in my fiction thank you very much. No, strangely when I was brainstorming what word to put on the back of my jean jacket "ACE" didn't make the list. No, the ace pin you bought me isn't a good gift and no matter how embarrassed you are rn blurting "its close enough" doesn't work in your defence. Like?? I get that they want to share shit and relate to me, we're friends. And I get that despite being able to feel romantic attraction none of them are really all that involved in romance atm so I guess they conflate the two in their minds, but also, why do I have to go through this. Think for a second? Stop including me in your ace shit? Its funny, but you never include anyone else in the group who isn't ace in these ace-centric thoughts. Fuck the look on their faces every time, they catch themselves before I've even said anything and realise the mistake they've made. Yeah, you forgot my identity again. Nice job. This post sounds so bitter and that's bc its a rant lmao, my friends are great otherwise. It is ironic tho that all my queer allo friends are better with my aro identity than my ace friends.
  3. 6 points
    I posted this on reddit but I wanted to share it here too! Like it says on the tin. I wasn't really planning on it but it came up, and I admitted to them that I don't think I feel romantic attraction to anyone. They told me something along the lines of "you're valid as fuck," which I took to be a good sign. They're very out and open about being some shade of genderqueer/non-straight/etc so I wasn't worried they'd take it badly or anything-- but still, there was a moment of worry right after I said it, and a moment of relief when they validated me. A while ago I was happy to keep this totally to myself unless it came up in a personal situation where I'd have to explain what kind of relationships I would and wouldn't be comfortable with-- but now I realize it's... kinda nice to just talk about it. This feels like when I first realized I was bi and I found the circle of queer folks around my HS, and it was like this cool circle of people I could talk to about queer stuff without feeling out of place. It's really nice to find someone that I know I won't have to explain all of this to, even if we're not close friends. I can just say "I think I'm aromantic" and they'll be like "cool" and that's all we have to say.
  4. 5 points
    I am the one who details the most my remarks and analysis (not my questions), but I am not the only one who made valid points. It took me at least an hour to write my message, you can't expect all people to be that invested. In particular as you never take our arguments into account and just repeat what you already said ad if we don't have counter arguments. Or sometimes you don't even answer it, the arguments of people you don't. Worst, you literally said that our hurt has no value because "people have different opinions, accept that and move on". Proof : You are denying people suffering by saying they are too sensible (people can be insulted by anything), pretend that the hurt caused by amatanormativity is subjective so no problem (I suppose because the place that romance has in people life depends on people; but that doesn't mean amatonormatiity is a not a hurtful idea even for the people who think that) and called feeling an "opinion". Would you have done that if we said that your scale was for instance about the importance of life? If we were in the 60's, that someone made a scale that put white lives in top of black lives, because the importance that people give to black lives are "subjective" and that we already live in a country that think white matters more thanblack, so it is easier to speak to them by using this perspective? Would you have called the hurt of people an "opinion" and said that you won't change it to show that black lives matter as much as white because "your scale is not about black culture"? That it is not a problem because some black show the scale and see no problem? That your scale won't change people mind anyway? Or would you have recognized that your scale was objectively hurtful for black people? I know my comparison may seem hard. But I only took your argument and applied them to something that we all know is racist, to show why people keep telling you they are hurt and that your argument doesn't work. It could have been applied to other things : woman intelligence, feminity of transwoman, normality of homosexual relationship... All phobic things. You probably think that amatonormatvity doesn't hurt like tacism so you don't care about it. And yes, probably, people don't kill people for being aromantic as they kill black people for being black. But it still hurts. Amatonormatvity is still a pretty knew concept so people don't get how, and don't get well why we have to fight it.They don't get how it makes people feel broken. Worthless. How it telling them that their lives has no value if their no romance in it. Spread the idea that we have to sacrifice everything for romance, encourages abusive relationships because romance worth it. Amatonormativity hurts people a lot, without they even realizing it, because they are so much in this society that values it that they don't notice how it affects them. You will say that I am exagerating. That your scale is not about that. But understand that it participates to that culture that oppresses us everyday. Anyway, I get more far than what I wanted to do in the first place lol. I just wanted to explain why people are not spending all their time telling you what is wrong with your scale, after you tell them their suffering doesn't matter. It is very clear for me that no matter what everything you say, you won't change your mind. You talk to us as if we were bad guys who don't even read what you said, that we are too sensible. So yeah, people don't spread hours analyzing your scale, because all they get from the begining of this thread is denial of there feelings and analysis. You will probably be hurt by what I said. That I am putting in your mouth things you never said. That we are bullies and that you'll stop responding. Maybe it will because you are understanding, and that anger and denial at the first step, like with mourning. Or maybe it will be because you think Iwhat I am saying is unjustify and that I should shut my mouth instead of talking. Or maybe you will get what we are al saying and whay we keep telling you you are doing harm. I don't know. But I needed to say it. Explain why I was hurt by your messages, by the fact that you are making willingly an amatonormative scale without seeing the problem. That you even deny that amatonormativity is a problem, and see no wrong to spread it. It hurts even more because it come from an a-spec person, someone who should know that amatonormativity is a big problem of society, and not use it because it made easier to make a scale. Now, I think I said all I wanted. I can move on in peace from this conversation, because I have nothing more to say and did all I can to make you listen to the things I said.
  5. 5 points
    ok so i have no idea how forums really work and i tend to be a big time lurker but......ya boy is gettin tired of only being able to post my aro-related woes on my spam insta where all my followers are alloromantic so 👁️👁️...... hi 🤭 my names nikolai! im a soon-to-be college student, currently aiming for public health but honestly whos to say my crackhead brain wont change its tune a year or two down the line ........ but Yeah! im big baby and big nerd.......currently hyperfixating on comics so if yall ever wanna talk about aro marvel and dc headcanons......my dms are open😳👉👈... yeah idk how introductions are supposed to work but im bored and sorta lonely so talk to me if u want i guess🤪
  6. 5 points
    I have no villainous schemes but I do have memes!
  7. 4 points
    This is an attempt to form a megathread, a union of the aroaces across this site. Come here to chat, to share your experiences, send memes, and plot your villainous schemes while the others are busy falling in love/having sex. With this, the alien invasion can truly begin, MWAHAHA! On a more serious note, a discussion about aromanticism in relation to asexuality made me realize we do not have a dedicated space to talk about our own experiences, so I'm making one! Feel free to talk about anything you want here. Aroallos and others are welcome as well!
  8. 4 points
    I'm with @nonmerci, turn the tables on them and buy them aromantic shit-- then keep it for yourself when they say "hey but this doesn't apply to me!!! :O"
  9. 4 points
    I posted this on reddit yesterday and figured hey, why not post it here too? This isn't a call to action or anything, I'm was just excited about all the little discoveries about myself I've been making in the past three or four months, and I wanted to write them down somewhere. If yall have anything like this-- something that realizing you're aro brought to light-- then I'd love to hear your stories too! I learned why I'm really picky about what kind of romance I like to read. I like reading about couples if their platonic or physical relationships are interesting, because as an aroallo I can empathize with and relate to both platonic and physical attraction. If a couple doesn't have either of those, blup bee doo they're boring. Gimme something with enemies forced to work together, or queer historical fiction where they're not allowed to find each other attractive (but they dooooooo). I learned what my crushes really were, and that they weren't really fueled by romantic attraction. I just wanted to feel like I was part of the crowd, and "having a crush on someone" was a way to get other people's positive attention. My favorite part of crushes was gossiping with other people, not actually, yknow, experiencing the crush. I always had to make myself do that part. I felt genuine giddy crush-like excitement whenever I "had" a crush, but it was never because of the person, it was always because of the context. Looking back it's so clear, but I really had no idea for so long. I learned why my past relationships didn't work. They were built on platonic and physical attraction only, nothing else. One case fell apart when I realized the guy wasn't as cool as I thought he was, and the platonic attraction faded away. One was built on dependent platonic attraction on my part, and I didn't realize how unhealthy it was until they ended it. And it feels really freeing to finally have a reason why things fell apart, and to know that it wasn't just because I was a bad person. I wasn't a bad person. And I'm not a bad person. Ooh ooh I learned why I hate reading the trope of "character who's determined not to fall in love at the beginning of the story" and just knowing that by the end they'll have found someone ~special~ enough to make them want a relationship-- because I start off relating to the character and end up feeling completely distanced. It's infuriating!! I look back at almost every single character I've written and I see bits and pieces of my aroallo identity scattered around. I knew who I was all along, even if I didn't have the words for it or the self-worth to realize it about myself. Everything I've felt comfortable writing about is everything I would feel comfortable having for myself. And sometimes when I doubt my aromanticism, looking back at all this stuff reminds me that this is my truth.
  10. 4 points
    I'm not even allosexual but stuff like this is part of the reason why I don't feel comfortable in ace spaces. It's insane how ignorant and self-involved it's possible to be, even when ace people do in many ways face similar misconceptions and erasure as aros. It's so fucking interesting that aces seem incapable of letting go of the concept that aromanticism is just a subset of or another word for asexuality when aros don't have the same issue. Who is misinforming all these baby aces? And why doesn't aven use their platform to try to clear up these misconceptions? It's concerning that you appear to have told your friends off more than once, but they still act like this. I really hope you sit down and have a proper talk to them about it!
  11. 4 points
    Without knowing your friend a lot better, it's impossible to say with any certainty. Mixed signals generally require intent, otherwise it's really more of a case of miscommunication (which, can still hurt just as much, but comes from a different source). I can say though it's definitely not uncommon for aro folks to enjoy romantic coded actions, or see certain intimate actions as not being inherently romantic, so it's very much possible your friend thinks of those actions as what she wants out of a close friendship, and feels comfortable with it since you know/accept her aro identity. If you feel like you're being lead on/receiving mixed signals though, I think it's entirely fair to bring it up with your friend. Ask maybe about how she sees the actions, what she wants from the relationship, etc. (But like, without being accusatory/making it an interrogation, since the mixed signals could still be accidental). That would be my take on it anyways, hope you're able to work things out!
  12. 4 points
    I've been aware of AUREA for a few months, but only just became aware of this forum. I currently identify as aroace. I found out about aromanticism firstly through a YouTube series the ABCs of LGBT by Ash Hardell. I was about 15 at the time and had never had a crush, but decided that I needed to be a bit older before I could know for certain. A few years later I start questioning my sexuality again and remember those videos. I got further involved with the asexual community, by following some ace YouTubers and on AVEN. The asexual label fit pretty well for me and I used it internally fairly quickly, but had a lot more trouble trying to figure out my romantic orientation, because I could see myself in traditional romantic situations whereas I couldn't with sexual ones. It's probably within the past year that I accepted the label of aromantic for myself, going to university where I've been involved in way more conversations about crushes and relationships was very helpful. I am now the ace/aro rep for my university LGBTQ society which has been interesting in current circumstances, but has connected me with so many people I can relate to. Thanks if you've read this whole thing, I'm excited to be here
  13. 4 points
    Holy moly!!!!!!!! I had a possibility in my mind I could be aromantic but never really did much research. As I was talking about my pains of struggling to find my sexuality someone suggested I might be cupioromantic! Omg, it just makes so much sense! Everything just... Clicked!!! I'm not entirely sure if I'm a aro yet, but holy mack does it feel so right!
  14. 4 points
    I finally officially came out to someone(technically my sister and 2 others kind of know but that was really me talking it out while questioning). And it was great, and also the response I kind of expected so. Me: I am aromantic and asexual Her: I think we all kind of knew that already Me: almost everyone. Not me. (I did say that) Anyway we talked for like an hour and I just felt so happy and full of (platonic) love for her and it was great. I don't have a squish on her but I would still spend my life with her because she is just the best. I am also apparently her #3 go to for romantic advice for some reason. I think its because I over analyze everything. But yes. She is wonderful and I love her and would do anything to make sure that shes happy because I know she would do the same for me. And that fills me with joy. She is lovely and dramatic and I am so glad she is my friend!
  15. 4 points
    To be selfish is to lack consideration for other people so I reckon it is clear you are not selfish. you clearly are caring of what this hypothetical other person would want, and worry about how they feel, and talk about feeling bad for how you would treat them. That is very much not selfish. Also since you say you would tell them about your aro-ness I don't think you would be cruel just because you can't love them back in the same way. They have been made aware of what they are getting into, and of course have the ability to back out if they decide it is not for them. I don't think that would be considered cruel.
  16. 4 points
    I guess my main question would be: do you actually want a partner, more than could you get one. If so, why? If you only want a partner for financial or other pragmatic reasons, then you should look for someone who also wants the pragmatic elements of a partnership if you already know you'd gain nothing from the social elements. Arranged partnerships for practicality are more frowned upon now then they used to be, but I don't see any reason why you'd be unable to find one. As long as the person you partner with is looking for the same thing and you're upfront from the beginning, I'd don't think you'd be being cruel. Yes, most people do want partnerships for social reasons first and foremost, but there's always exceptions. I don't know if this helps at all, I'm a little unclear on the intent behind the questions, but hopefully you can find what you're looking for!
  17. 4 points
    Hello! I think a lot of us were raised with the expectation to one day get married and have kids and it can really mess us up. That probably goes for most people, but it's of course extra harmful for aros. Marriage is seen as this magical end-all, but... you know, society has been wrong about a lot of things, and this is just another one of them. So, to your question: What now? Well, the best thing you can do is get to work on unlearning these norms. There's unfortunately no quick fix to rid yourself of them, but I think arocalypse is a good place to start. Here you'll find a lot of people who are living happy, fulfilling, unmarried lives and just seeing that is really powerful in itself. If you are repulsed by the thought of being in a romantic relationship, you simply don't have to be. There's no "destiny" for you to follow any path but your own. I know it may be hard to just start to believe that after spending a whole lifetime being told the opposite, but if you repeat it enough it can become your truth. And welcome, both of you!
  18. 4 points
    I'm resurrecting this because I saw some tumblr posts today that made me laugh.
  19. 4 points
    IMO the graphic is perfectly understandable and pretty without the scale. I actually think it's more confusing with it, because I'm not entirely sure how it's supposed to showcase that everyone sees relationships differently when there's only one example. Especially since people who see the infographic are unlikely to read every word, it really seems to me that the presence of this scale would enforce harmful ideas about relationship hierarchies--that QPRs are "more" than friendships (untrue), and that romantic relationships are "more" than QPRs (also untrue). Also: This logic is flawed. What if I said, "I used a racist concept to explain things to people who live in a racist society"? This seems obviously problematic to me. If you want to be a good ally to POC, you would not use racist concepts to explain things even in situations not directly related to race. If you want to be a good ally to people affected by amatonormativity--aromantics, for example--you would not use amatonormative concepts to explain things even in situations not directly related to aromanticism. The problem is that you are actively enforcing a harmful idea, and you aren't listening to people who have expressed hurt. I'm not saying you are a bad person; nobody's perfect or never harms anyone ever. I would just appreciate it if you removed the scale from the infographic.
  20. 4 points
    Well, as I said, I DID have something to say but I didn't because I had the feeling that you will react badly, so instead I shut up. But as you asked so politely, here's my answer. 1. Principal argument, your scale is subjective. And yes, the point you want to make is that people see relationship differently. And you show it by putting friends, queerplatonic and acquaitances at different place according to the characters. But, you position stranger and romantic partner at the sale level for both, as if for these two values it is not subjective. And ok, maybe for romantic partner people usually discussed it, but still, it seems that romance (and stranger) are somehow outside the subjective part. 2. You could have put something else. Ok, but at the end of the day, you still put this, and the person who'll watch it are not in your head. 3. You didn't know where to put it. You could have put it on the side of a character, as for the other. Or just don't put it at all. Why do you need something at the end of the end of the scale, after all? And the same thing for both characters? 4. You decided to put this one on top because people share this representation, and you don't want them to be confused by words they don't know. But you explained what queerplatonic meant. You didn't need to put romantic in the balance. In fact, I was even confused about why you include it at all, I just don't understand how it helps your explanation. 5. What you want was to explain attraction, not "aromantic culture" as you word it. You wanted to explain what it queerplatonic, platonic, etc. But if the point is to explain that, what does a scale about relationship (and not attraction) add? Why include romantic on that scale, as this is something people can easily understand? And why a scale where most of the attraction you mentionned above is ignore? That doesn't serve the goal of the infography. 6. It is easier to explain. Maybe. But then, what are you explaining? That queerplatonic is between romantic and platonic. Not something different, but something less. And also that friendship naturally leads to romance. Maybe that's not what you mean, but at the end of the day, that's why alloromantic will think when they see you scale. 7. This is your topic and your infography, if we don't like it we should write our own. Believe me, I won't use it; but yes, I am concerned by the fact that with it you can unwillingly spread amatonormative idea, just like I am concerned when I see a homophobic movie. If you don't want people to tell you when they are hurt by your work, keep it for yourself. Instead you present it as something to show people to explain attraction. Well, I am explaining to you why I won't do that, because I think it wil be hurtful. And that's a shame because I think you did a great job for the rest, it is clear and beautiful to watch. 8. You talk to aro who don't see any problem with it, so no problem. Well of course, if you only talk to people who agree with you, problem will never exist. And th fact that some aros agree don't mean it is ok. My mother say sexist things about girls dressing sexy. Does that means this is not sexist, because she is a woman? I don't think so. That's the same here. 9. We didn't listen to your arguments. I hate to do this but I have to point you didn't listen neither. We explain why we consider the scale hurtful, and you ignore it, because "this is was not what you mean", which is a way of denying people feeling, by saying they didn't get your point. Well, maybe if we didn't get it, it is because you didn't express it well (and yes, I do think you didn't reach your goal with your scale, which was to talk about subjectivity in perception of relationship, I already explaine why). Also, we didn't only say "this amatonormative, fix it", we explained why, in a polite well actually. Now, as I said in my previous comment, that's your infography, you do what you want about it. That's your freedom. And this is our freedom to tell you if we are hurt.
  21. 3 points
    my roommate has a friend with benefits, and their 'friendly' activities include having dinner and wine in his backyard, going out for ice cream, and painting together. upon hearing this, friends of hers insist that the two of them are dating. she told me she doesn't have romantic feelings for him (and i believe vise versa). they don't kiss, cuddle, hold hands, etc--pretty much their only physical contact is sexual. to be honest, it sounds a lot like the sort of relationship i'd like. however, she wanted to know what i thought since she said some of the platonic things they do she wouldn't do one-on-one with other friends, and she doesn't want him to date or sleep with other people, partly but not entirely because of covid. while i couldn't relate to those last feelings, i said that if she and he agree they're "not dating or in a relationship" then they're not, and it doesn't so much matter what they call it, as long as they're happy with what it is. since she knows i'm aro, she also asked how i would feel about doing 'date-like' things with someone, and i said fine--again it's not so much about the activity as our feelings; if i knew or felt that the guy was romantically attracted to me or considered the activities romantic, i wouldn't like that, but if we were on the same page, great. she seemed to follow that, and surely applied it to the way she thought about her relationship with this guy. i suppose i'm just sharing this because it's not often i can have a conversation about relationships with an alloromantic where we share many feelings/attitudes, and it was cool. and i wanted to point out how amatonormativity also affects allos (which i know is well-established)--remember how people tried to label her relationship as romantic just based on a description of it without understanding the actual feelings of the people involved.
  22. 3 points
    damn how embarrassing of them. this is such a struggle though, even though i'm aro and ace, it is so frustrating when people treat them as the same thing because my aroness and my aceness mean such different things to me.
  23. 3 points
    Oh my... They seriously said that asexual is close enough to aromantic? To an allo aro? Someone who suffers becuse people confused the two orientations? My, these kind of people make me feel ashamed of being ace... how would they feel if you always forget that they are alloromantic and ypu buy them aromantic items! I don't know, but I think that some asexual have problem to understand that aromanticism is it's own thing and does not belong to their community. Maybe because of the link between the two (though aro don't see to have the same problem to understand that they are different).
  24. 3 points
    For people who are not as familiar with aromanticism (at least on a deep level), I've seen people talk about amatonormativity in a way that shows how harmful emphasizing romantic relationships is. I know a lot of friends of mine who, for example, will easily talk with me about how society is so obsessed with romance and marriage and how they feel pressured to get into relationships when they are happy single or simply have other priorities in life at that moment. I remember there being a recent article about Emma Watson talking about being self-partnered, for example, and there are much much older articles talking about people of all genders and ages who feel pressure from their parents, family, friends, and society to have a relationship (even a toxic one) so they won't be "alone." Even though they are happy. I am sure you can find stories like these, even if they don't straight up use the word "amatonormativity." There are a lot of feminist principles you can talk about side by side with amatonormativity and just general individual empowerment and personal choice. Over time, bringing up aromantics as people who are especially affected by amatonormativity can be a way to tie it back to your identity without becoming too academic or filled with aro-specific words. Hope that at least helps for a start!
  25. 3 points
    I don't have squishes at all. I can enjoy romance and I even enjoy writing some romantic subplot in my stories (though for some things I feel alienated when I write because I can't relate, like this time when I had to google "how to write a kiss" because I have no idea what it feels like or why people enjoy it). I am fat, so fall under the "not traditionally attractive enough to have a partner" to dismiss the reasons why I am aromantic. I'm not invested in things on tumblr and where all the posts about being aro are.
  26. 3 points
  27. 3 points
    You're definitely not just being dramatic, your friend is being an outright jerk, just the passive-aggressive variety. Her text response was definitely dismissive, if you don't know how to respond to something so big you take some time to think it over and sort your thoughts before responding properly (if you think it might be a bit it's also better to actually tell the person you're taking some time to think it over so as to not leave them hanging). And whining about someone being uncomfortable with certain acts of affection as if they're a victim is extremely self-centered at best and manipulative at worst. She isn't trying to be understanding at all, she just doesn't want to acknowledge anything is different and keep having things go her way/ stay the same. (Ignoring you until you drop the subject whenever you have a complaint with her behavior is another red flag) Yes, the whole aro thing can be hard for allos to Understand, but that's not a free pass for selfish or insensitive behavior. I'd either have a serious talk with her and/or start distancing yourself if possible, you deserve better than that.
  28. 3 points
    If you can be in the same room doing separate things without feeling weird about it, that's a pretty deep friendship. I also think that having full trust in them is a big identifier too. I'm still working on my friendships right now, but we're getting there
  29. 3 points
    Hi all. Question in the title. So, I recently have the perfect idea for a novel to have an aro and ace character as main character. Though the story in itself is not about aromanticism (that's about a girl defeating a nasty queen), my main character wll discover through her journey that she is both aro and ace and that this perfectly ok. And with that, my potential reader will probably be learning what is aromanticism because, let's face it, this is pretty unknown (though, to be honest, if due to the number of my writing project and my rapidity to write, that has the time to change). I would be glad if it helps some people to know this not feeling attraction is a possibility. But, I havea problem. My story is setting in a tme where the labels don't even exist, let alone seen as a possibility. My character will have no possibility to google the term to find information. She will just realizes that she doesn't feel attraction, and still have a meaningful life. But because of that, I fear that reading the book, someone won't get that it is possible to be aro but not ace, and vice versa. i can't really include an aro allo character in the story, nor an allo ace, that could explain thing and balanced, because an important thing of the story will be how she feels alone and no one valids her. I also want her to understand by herself. I thought about two things to conter the problem : -a note at the begining or the end of the book that explains attraction (if I ever finished it and published it, I liked to dedicate it to aromantic anyway), but people could not read it -at the end of the book, after my character figure out and complete her journey, she could hear about aro allo and allo ace, then go and fin them; but I fear that it will not be credible that she didn't find them before (I could find an explanation for that though). Does someone have thoughts about it? I am only at the begining of the project (I know how it begins, how it ends, how my character will evolve, but not what happens in the middle). So, I am open to any critic or suggestion.
  30. 3 points
    Hi! Due to the fact that I am apparently unable to see things that are right in front of me, despite being nearsighted, I did not see the welcome page until now. So I'm a little late for intros... but here we go! I might exist, which is cool. I use she/her. I love to read fiction. I do public forum debate, which I love as well. I am pretty competitive and tend to ramble about everything(note the length of this monstrosity). I am, as far as I can tell, aromantic and asexual. I could be somewhere on the spectrum, but I don't really have a desire to enter a relationship to find out. I fairly sex repulsed, any implications make me very uncomfortable, but I am sex positive. If it's safe and consensual, do as much or as little as you want(just please don't tell me about it). I vary between romance indifferent and romance repulsed depending on the situation and how I feel. But with non-fictional people who aren't me, I am perfectly fine, and okay knowing about it. For me, I was told by my friends that they all thought I was asexual, which was the first time I had heard the term. I strongly denied this, and insisited I was straight, and spent 3 years trying to convince myself it was in my head - I would want a relationship soon. Then I came across aromantic, and did, more or less, the same. Then there was the summer of 2020, where, with lack of distractions, I did a lot of reflecting, and ended up getting no where. So I talked to my sister in broad terms, and was told to research, something I had avoided. It was so helpful, I can't even begin to describe how much it helped. It really just affirmed what I knew about myself, something definitions alone couldn't do. It was just constant reflection of myself, and it made me feel way more sure than I do on most things. Anyway that was a little journey into whatever my brain is.
  31. 3 points
    I relate to this a lot! Already when I was 11 or 12 y/o I was completely tired of all expectations, and I hated being romanticized and sexualized. Somehow I'd heard of the word asexual (I didn't know the difference between sexual and romantic orientation yet) and wanted to come out as such, but even though I strongly related to the word I thought I faked it. I even convinced myself that I wanted to find a girl, marry and get children. When I realized that I wasn't heterosexual, and started question whether I was bisexual or not, the pressure got even more intense. I was completely alienated from romance, and when a girl in my age showed strong romantic interest in me I got even more confused - and repulsed to some extent. After a while I began to develop strong emotions towards her and thought it was a crush (*spoiler alert*, it wasn't), but the bare thought of being in a romantic relationship felt completely wrong and repulsing. The only thing I wanted was a close friend, and that was how I perceived romantic relationships until I realized romance wasn't platonic. When I got older (13-16 y/o) I used to tell myself that I had no interest in romantic relationships because people around me weren't mature enough or that I had better things to do. At seventeen I even thought I was a biromantic homosexual and tried online dating (with mostly men). It quickly became obvious that I had no romantic or sexual interest in other people of any gender. The amatonormativity, and all expectations regarding marriage and family, became internalized. I thought a life without wife and children, or otherwise a life without a romantic partner, were proof of a complete failure. I would be miserable and lonely, and I didn't want to be alone the rest of my life. It took me years to realize that this was untrue, and I still haven't fully accepted it. One of the things that helped me is being open about my aro-aceness and make it a part of who I am. No-one needs to get married, and you can live a happy and fulfilled life without a romantic partner. And having children isn't necessary either, and if you want children you don't need a romantic partner. After all, the most important thing is to be surrounded by accepting and understanding friends and family members who want you to live the life you want - not the life the society expect you to live. I hope this helps 😀
  32. 3 points
    Welcoming @boba to the team! If anyone is interested, we are still looking for more hands to help out. Many hands make light work and all that.
  33. 3 points
    lithromantic memes
  34. 3 points
    I don't think it is selfish as long as you explain that to your partner from the start.
  35. 3 points
    I think this is one of the few places where I already get to count myself as one of the "older folks", and I'm only 29? (And at the same time... I have more in common with y'all than with most of the "people my own age" I know. Isn't the internet fun?)
  36. 3 points
    This sounds like grayasexual to me. These quotes both make me think you may have an inclination towards queerplatonic relationships, which is a term used pretty widely by aromantic spectrum people. If this seems to describe the "long term relationships" you find yourself in, or the ones you desire to have, then it's possible you're aromantic. I don't think it's either/or though. Maybe you do have romantic attraction, but also find yourself wanting something like a queerplatonic relationship. This doesn't automatically make you aromantic, but it could be an indicator. Romance-repulsed aros are not terribly uncommon. - This is pretty surface level and shallow obviously, only knowing what you said in your post it's not like I can say for sure what you identify as, but from what you said this is just what it appears to be to me. Of course, the ONLY PERSON who can say what you identify as is YOU. Do whatever the hell you want and don't let anyone define yourself for you. Best of luck!! We're always here for you if you have questions.
  37. 3 points
    you keep saying that the infographic isn't about aromantic communities specifically, so its ok for you to reinforce amatonormativity which...doesnt make sense to me? amatonormativity isnt a concept exclusive to aromantic communities,, it doesnt matter if youre specifically talking about aromantic people or not, amatonormativity affects alloromantic people as well, especially alloromantic people that might be in qprs or other significant non-romantic relationships. i think in an infographic talking about qprs and such, it might be important to understand amatonormative implications? i know your intention wasn't to harm anyone and you feel that people are taking what youre saying the wrong way, but intention doesn't dictate what your words actually mean, whether objectively or subjectively in the eyes of others. i otherwise really like the infographic though; its really well done other than a few minor typos but thats not really a big deal anyway lmao
  38. 3 points
    So you admit the scale graphic is amatonormative? That's a start, at least. So you're using an amatonormative image to describe non-romantic relationships to people who aren't familiar with the aspec community? That is a problem. What your graphic is doing, is telling people outside the aspec community that relationships exist as a hierarchy. That there is a spectrum of relationship closeness/strength that goes from "stranger" at one end to "romantic partner" at the other. That idea is deeply, deeply harmful to aromantic communities and people. Your graphic reinforces the idea that "romantic partner" is objectively a closer/stronger relationship than "queerplatonic" or "friend". Your graphic perpetuates the extremely harmful and amatonormative idea that relationships exist in a hierarchy where "romantic partner" is an endpoint, a pinnacle, the strongest and closest kind of relationship that can exist. Again, you've got some good infographics here. But the graphic you yourself admit is an "oversimplified amatonormative scale" is not one of them. It's not helping anyone. It's not teaching anyone anything new. It is, in fact, perpetuating harmful amatonormative ideas.
  39. 3 points
    I agree with @nonmerci. And frankly, the fact that this infographic is intended to educate alloromantics on aromanticism is exactly what makes it so dangerous that the infographic does include amatonormative- And, if I’m being completely honest, arophobic- concepts. You’ve explained your viewpoint, yes, and we’ve explained why it’s not a good one. If you want to educate people about aromanticism, don’t get all butthurt when aros try to educate you.
  40. 3 points
    If you're getting the same criticism multiple times- From people who have been perfectly polite to you, I may add- Maybe that's a sign that your point of view isn't as correct as you think it is. The point of critiques is to help people improve and see problems they might not have noticed themselves.
  41. 3 points
    When you put relationship types on an axis that lists "stranger" and "romantic partner" as opposite ends of a spectrum, that carries a strong implication that "romantic partner" is the polar opposite of "stranger", and therefore the closest possible kind of interpersonal relationship. That implication is actively harmful to aromantic people. I think it's misleading and extremely unhelpful to rank relationship types in the way that you have, as though "Queerplatonic" is closer than "Friend", and as though "Romantic partner" is closer than anything else. You've done great work on the rest of the infographic but I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish with that panel.
  42. 3 points
    Oh, man, what a toughie. I mean, on paper, yeah if you've told them you're a-spec and they said they were fine with that, then sure you're in the clear. But, yknow, things that work in theory don't always work in practice. Obviously I don't know any of the details about you as a person or this other person, or the relationship between you two leading up to this point-- But, I dunno, that post-decision-worry-regret really, really hits home for me. I stayed in a few relationships after experiencing this, an exciting buildup and a genuine want to start some sort of relationship (whether that was down to platonic attraction, physical attraction, some cocktail of my mental and social stuff saying "YEAH SURE A RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE GREAT" or whatever)-- that quickly faded to "oh god why did I do this, this was a mistake" after we actually started dating. And I didn't bring it up at all, to any of my partners. And that........ led to some bridges being burned. (I'm literally just projecting my baggage onto ur situation, so like in no way am I saying this is gonna happen to u, I just mean this is the angle I'm kinda coming from.) There's a stereotype that whenever allos ask us aros for relationship advice it always boils down to either "talk to each other" or "break up," but seriously I think you should bring this up. If it's something specifically about the relationship between you two that you're experiencing strong emotions for, then I think it kind of does concern them too (not that you have to tell them every single thought you have or tell them immediately-- just a general "hey I was excited about this and now I'm nervous and feel xyz because zxy.") Plus, if they really do care about you, I don't think they'd want you to be worried and upset in the first place. All in all it's up to you to decide what's gonna make you feel happy, safe, and comfortable. If being in a relationship-- even as an aro-- is gonna do that, then yeah, I think it'll turn out well! And if it turns out that you realize you don't actually want this, then that's okay too. I think the most important part is being honest with yourself, first and foremost. As for the last bit-- no, you didn't make a mistake. I look back at my past relationships and cringe because of things that I did or said, but I don't really view them as mistakes. What happened happened, and it was only ever gonna happen that way. Same thing here-- you're doing your best. I really hope things work out for u ghosty ❤️
  43. 3 points
    I hate to do this when it's such a well designed informative infographic. But it seems like you've made the scale go from stranger to romantic partner, which positions romantic partners as the closest possible relationship between two people. A lot of aros want to fight this perception. It might be better if stranger/romantic partner were removed from the ends. I also noticed some typos but that's probably just nitpicking. I just want to stress that I'm amazed that you made this. I was impressed by your ability for design in the original posts but this is something else. What do you use to make things like this if you don't mind me asking?
  44. 3 points
    Oh, you think the original post is bad? It's only the tip of the iceberg. Allow me to recount the drama for those of you who were fortunate enough not to witness it in real time. Part 1: The Fuckening FYA posts the above horrible take; Initially, as it's an untagged post on a multi-mod blog, readers are uncertain as to whether this post represents the thoughts of one or multiple mods, or if it's even made by an aro at all. Later it is discovered to have been Mod Rose, also known by their personal blog url, frompawntoqueen. Many aros respond with rightful criticism of the problems with said post, including: It singles out allosexual aros as using Bad Terminology™ without giving the same treatment to alloromantic aces; It essentially says that allo aros shouldn't get to use the term allo because some aphobes have used it in a bad way, which is unfair; It presents allo and especially allosexual as a bad word, undermining all the efforts the ace community has made to convince people that no, it isn't a bad word, considering it was literally coined to replace the more uncomfortable "sexual" as an antonym to asexual; It inexplicably equates allo with cis in a context that makes no sense, because it's not possible to be both cis and trans, but it is possible to be both allo and aspec via the SAM; And finally, it essentially equates non-SAM aspecs with aroaces, or otherwise implies that there should be a way to tell what "type" of non-SAM aspec someone is, completely missing the point of not using the SAM. FYA/Mod Rose later deletes the post, saying that it shouldn't stay up because it "wasn’t adding to the discussion in a positive way" and that by deleting it, only reblogs with criticism will remain available for people to see. At no point do they actually apologize or acknowledge the reasons why people were upset, only saying that it was "not their intention to speak over any allo aro voices". Meanwhile, aros who criticized the post begin noticing that responses they have made are somehow disappearing from the notes of said post, as well as other related posts FYA has made... Part 2: Upsetti Spaghetti Tumblr user deepinthedirt sends FYA an ask saying that if they really want only critical versions of the post to be seen, they should actually reblog some of them. Mod Rose refuses, and even goes so far as to say "I’ve made no attempts to block people from reblogging and following where the conversation is going themselves", despite the aforementioned disappearing notes. They also claim that they will try to boost allo aro voices "in the future", with no details as to whether that means that same day, or hypothetically at some point before they die. deepinthedirt points out just how vague and unhelpful this claim is, and that Mod Rose did not actually apologize for the hurt they caused. Deepinthedirt also makes a post on their own blog calling for people to stop supporting FYA, a sentiment that is shared by many aros in light of both this incident and many past incidents. Mod Rose says that they don't want to sort through "aggressive" messages (i.e. tone policing people who are rightfully upset) and also says "You are not allowing me to safely listen, process, and understand how to better serve my community." Presumably if Mod Rose needs time to process things they are perfectly capable of disabling the ask box temporarily, or logging off Tumblr. An anon responds that Mod Rose is not listening, and points out the issue of the disappearing notes. Mod Rose insists they are not blocking anyone or deleting notes, and goes on to say "You monitoring the notes of our posts to see how many people are saying negative things and accusing me of getting in the way of that when you cannot find them as easily as you want is triggering to me". Again, Mod Rose is presumably perfectly capable of logging of Tumblr; While triggers should always be respected, in general if someone finds that they're in a triggering situation online, they do have a responsibility to remove themselves from that space and do what they need to do to calm down. Mod Rose apparently did not want to do this, and instead, as in the previous post, put the blame on those who had been hurt for not sitting quietly and giving the person who hurt them time to calm down. Part 3: Damage Control 10 hours after the most recent post on the subject, Mod Rose posts an apology. However, instead of making a new post, they append it onto the response to the previous anon ask, meaning that only people who are specifically looking several posts back on the FYA blog will actually see it. The apology also, once again, does not actually acknowledge the majority of problems with the post, only the fact that it phrased things in a way that put the majority of the focus on allo aros. So essentially, a hidden apology that more or less boils down to "Sorry you were upset that I phrased things badly but I still stand by the things that I said". The next day, an anon politely asks if any acknowledgement is going to be made of the responses to the now-deleted original post, or the vanishing notes. A different mod, Mod Dew, responds that no one at FYA was blocking or deleting anything, and that fae were very concerned with the possibility that this may have been happening. (It should be noted, however, that it's entirely possible that someone could have lied faer about doing this.) Fae also asserts that FYA will be boosting voices, and "on a personal level", fae plan on reaching out directly to some of the people who were hurt. While this is certainly an admirable thing to do, it's... A bit telling that Mod Rose, the person responsible for the fiasco, is not doing this, while Mod Dew, who presumably was not involved, is taking the initiative to right Mod Rose's wrongs. An anon points out that Mod Rose has been responsible for a lot of issues, including the racism controversy with Yasmin Benoit (the details of which can be found here). They question how this can be seen as acceptable, and why Mod Rose is still a mod. Mod Fae responds that Mod Rose created FYA, and is the only person running the Twitter. They... Don't actually answer the anon's question, and rather give what appears to be some sort of explanation or justification for the Yasmin Benoit situation. They also claim that "Rose - and none of the mods here - would never even imply that black aspec people are worth less, or deserve less." This completely ignores the fact that just because someone doesn't intend to be racist, or doesn't actively sit down and think "Yeah, I think black people are inferior", does not mean they're incapable of engaging in racist actions. The proper response to being told you did something racist is "I didn't know that was racist, I'm sorry and I'll avoid doing that in the future", not "Uhhhhh well I didn't intend to be racist so actually it's not racist!". Two days after the original post was made, an anon asks just when FYA is going to start following up on their promises of boosting allo aro voices, and points out that the longer they wait, the less people are going to trust them. Mod Dew responds that fae's personally compiling posts to reblog on the subject, and that rather than posting them immediately, they will be queued to be posted slowly over long periods of time between FYA's usual posts. Whether or not this is the right way to go about things is a matter of opinion, but it is rather telling that once again, it's Mod Dew who's taking the initiative, rather than Mod Rose, who was responsible for the actual problem. TL;DR: Mod Rose of FYA makes a post that's ridiculously shitty to allo aros and non-SAM aros, then when it starts getting criticism, deletes the post and tries to claim they're doing it for a good reason. Mod Rose also seemingly deletes critical responses to the post, though this is later denied. When more criticism pours in and allo aros become fed up with the years of bullshit we've put up with from FYA, Mod Rose completely dodges any responsibility and insists we're not "giving them time to process things" or something (when, if they need space and time to think, they should step away from the situation themself). Later, a completely different mod starts taking initiative to make up for Mod Rose's mistake, while Mod Rose themself does not seem to actually do anything to take responsibility for their own actions. In conclusion,
  45. 3 points
    this one is such a mood.
  46. 3 points
    Definitely. I'm very loyal to my friends and I don't like the idea that someday I could become second tier just because someone else is willing to kiss them or whatever. To me, a friendship is a commitment, and I'm always willing to go out of my way to support friends if they need it.
  47. 3 points
    An early sign that I was aro was when I started my relationship and couldn't understand what was the big issues with long kisses, it was just an extended exchange of saliva, and after 2 seconds it was enough for me. Also, I couldn't see why people had to start making out if you where watching a movie, gosh you.are.seeing.a.movie. Let me see the movie in peace, I missed that awesome action part cuz you where kissing me. Relationship didn't last long, but it did helped me discover my aromanticism. (Still salty about missing that action part, I had to search the movie in netflix to see it again but alone)
  48. 3 points
    I remember at some point thinking that every other girl my age had probably, at some point, fantasized about their wedding. I made a mental note to get around to that. It never happened. Also, I never really understood the idea of sharing a bed. Like, how am I supposed to sleep when I'm overheating because someone is next to me and every time I fidget I risk waking them up?! I remember legitimately thinking that if I thought someone of my preferred gender was aesthetically pleasing and not a jerk, I had a crush on them. I thought that's what a crush was. Turns out that's not quite what it is.
  49. 2 points
    I think what I would like from a deep friendship is the ability to drop in and out of each others lives and still seem as though we were picking up right where we left off. I have had one friendship I consider deep, a friend of mine who I knew from primary school, then moved country when I was about 9. Once when I went on holiday there we visited and it was as if we had never left. This was at an age where I didn't have my own phone, so while our parents had stayed somewhat in touch I had literally not said a word to him in over 3 years, but we still talked as if we had never left. When his family moved back to the UK he joined the same secondary school as me and again, despite barely a word between us for years we instantly clicked. By the end of the day we were making plans for a barbecue at mine and inviting some of my other friends round.
  50. 2 points
    My therapist knew about the aro flag, as she asked about my aro pride pin in one of our sessions. But yeah, most people just think I like the colors or something.
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