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Showing content with the highest reputation since 03/04/20 in all areas

  1. 9 points
    I think we need both. We absolutely do need ace spaces to become more inclusive of aros, but we need aro-specific spaces as well. The other, perhaps more pressing matter, is that we need everything labeled as "ace and aro" to show that it's not just a name. Sure, anyone can slap "and aro" onto a title- But will they make space for romance-repulsed folks? Will they make space for allosexual aros to talk about our sexualities? Will they actually do anything to welcome aros, or is it an ace space in all but name? In an ideal world where both orientations are treated with equal respect, as an allo aro I might actually feel totally comfortable with "ace and aro" events and such. But as it is, I tend to distrust them unless they do something to outright state that they are welcoming to allo aros, because I can never tell if something is genuinely by and for aros (and by that I mean, not just aroaces who exclusively interact with the ace community), or if it's just an ace group that changed their name for the sake of keeping up appearances and pretending to be inclusive without actually trying.
  2. 8 points
    AUREA was founded independently of the forums and combining them isn't possible right now. We're however talking to other groups about how to save the forums if no one takes over the responsibilities of Phoenix by March 29th.
  3. 8 points
    Just wanted to thank you, @Blue Phoenix Ace, for doing the work of hosting and managing these forums for as long as you have! < 3 I wish I'd found this place sooner, but I'm glad I got a short time here, at least.
  4. 7 points
    That person would be me. Hello! I definitely do recognize that allo aros need to be careful not to repeat acephobic rhetoric, and some people are... worse about that than others. 🙄 It's something I've been trying to keep in mind lately. That being said, I definitely agree that aces also need to recognize the line between "this is genuine acephobia and I should ask this person not to talk like that" and "This person is angry about legitimate injustices done to them and I Am Feel Uncomfortable When We Are Not About Me so I'm gonna tone police them". It definitely is a very difficult line to identify though. Allo aros need to be allowed to express frustration with the way the ace community treats us, and we need our frustration to be respected regardless of if we're being "polite"- But we also need to be very, VERY careful that we do not express this frustration via straight up repeating acephobic rhetoric, in the same way that aces need to be careful that they don't express their frustration via repeating homophobic rhetoric. It's a very difficult line to navigate for both parties. But it absolutely needs to be navigated.
  5. 7 points
    I wouldn't necessarily consider any of them definitively "dealbreakers", so I'll just list my reasons here. AVEN has historically treated aros pretty badly. In fact, there are a good number of Arocalypse members who have joined specifically because they were looking for a more aro-friendly alternative to AVEN. (I can't name any in particular off the top of my head, but I've definitely seen plenty of intro posts along the lines of "Hey, I'm new, I used to be active on AVEN but..." etc.) For this reason, especially as an allo aro, I really don't feel comfortable associating with AVEN. As other people have pointed out- It still really does not do much for the notion that aromanticism is just a subset of asexuality. Yes, even if it's not openly advertised as part of AVEN. Arocalypse is one of the few examples of an aro space that isn't tied to an ace space in some way. As an allo aro, I really don't want to lose that. Look, the fact of the matter is, a lot of aros can't stand AVEN. Now, you say the community itself would still be run by Arocalypse, with AVEN only back end stuff- But here's the thing. Most people don't like to be shit-talked, yeah? So let's say a bunch of us are commiserating about how much we've been treated like shit by AVEN. Along comes AVEN User #307, curious about what aros are up to- And what do they see, but a whole conversation about how much AVEN sucks! So the higher-ups at AVEN get wind of it, and they decide, well, why spend time and money on some ungrateful moochers? And so they pull the plug on us. I'm not saying this is necessarily guaranteed to happen, but I am saying that I would feel a lot less comfortable speaking openly about aspec intracommunity discourse if one of the parts of the community that treats us poorly is in fact keeping the site operational. It's a question of security vs. freedom. This isn't really specifically a logistical thing, more a personal thing, but honestly? It'd just leave a bad taste in my mouth to be that closely tied to AVEN, even if it wouldn't change a lot. It would really feel like a slap in the face, and I'm sure other allo aros would agree. So TL;DR yes, I would accept AVEN as our new owners if it was the only way to keep the site, in the same sense that I would eat cardboard if I had no food.
  6. 6 points
    Hello! My local LGBTQ+ youth charity is looking to make a short resource on how health and education professionals can support LGB+ young people, particularly those who are questioning their orientation. For reference, they have already made an equivalent resource for supporting gender questioning young people, which includes basic information and tips on: pronouns and names, clothes and appearance, toilets and changing rooms, listening and communication, transitioning, confidentiality, transphobia, and a short glossary of terms. They are not currently explicitly inclusive of either ace or aro identities and none of the staff or volunteers are particularly educated on them as far as I know. So far the main points I want to bring up with them to add are, in rough order of priority: -- What aromanticism/the aromantic spectrum is, as well as and basic attraction theory. -- Brief overview of interpersonal and familial issues aromantic people may face. -- How mental health professionals and counsellors in particular can be supportive. Namely, aromanticism isn't a mental illness or personality disorder and seeking 'causes' for it is ultimately unhelpful at best. -- How professionals can use aromantic inclusive language, including using less amatonormative wording and comments, ensuring that people know it's alright to be aromantic. -- General questioning stuff which will probably be in there anyway: it's alright to change labels, providing young people with advice on how to healthily explore relationships and sexuality with an emphasis on not encouraging people to put themselves in uncomfortable situations to 'confirm' or 'fix' things (including setting boundaries, and both sexual and non-sexual consent). Etc. These are my ideas so far. However, I am but one aro and would like to see what others would most want to see about their identity in a basic resource. Any suggestions for the glossary, perhaps? If anyone has any ideas or questions feel free to add on.
  7. 6 points
    There's a lot of cooperation between aro and ace activists, initiatives, orgs. There's also hostility in some aro and ace spaces, which is usually aimed at one identity. So it can be aimed at aces, at aros, at alloaros or at alloaces, maybe to a lesser degree at aroaces (they deal with being caught in the crossfire of aces vs aros antagonisms instead), but that happens too. There's a lot of hurt and bitterness, and the communities are linked (by people, by history), and it creates tensions, because we have our differences. Some people would like to be separate - alloaces were vocal about asexuality not always going together with aromanticism, now alloaros are starting to be more vocal about the differences and not wanting to associate with aces. This creates an identity split in some places - it's aros against aces, aces against aros and everyone with the same label gets thrown into the same bag. That leads to divisions, because we have our differences, but what the "aros this", "aces that" actually achieve? Hurt, alienation, helplessness..? Cool, very constructive, we'll go far on this. This split also creates an allosexual vs ace division in the aro community, which puts non-sam aros and greyaces in a weird vacuum. Say an aro person is angry at an ace person for doing something a bit insensitive. We create anger and guilt, and people who are feeling guilty don't make good progress for a cause, because they don't want to actually do it, they feel shitty, they burn out. And if someone feels wrongly accused, they're probably not going to listen to the points another person is making anyway. There will be assholes everywhere, and it's important to correct them, stand up to their assholery, or not give support to their harmful behaviors, because it's impossible to get rid of them all. They can't take over the conversations and narrations though, because that just leads to toxic communities. That was a rather large introduction, but: aros who act acepobic. They're there and we need to address this problem. For the last few years we've been steeping in acephobia (exclusionist crusades on tumblr and other social media) and we're not immune. The way our communities are linked creates strong and contradictory feelings. They're our strongest allies and we want them to remain so, we're grateful, but there's also jealousy - they're bigger, more visible, have more resources, people often ignore aromanticism when it's paired with asexuality. There have been instances of aros invalidating, diminishing ace people's struggles, when we get so angry when it's in reverse. There were aros saying that if you're asexual or you define your relationship as nonsexual, you're oversharing about your sex life - "you're asexual, so what, no one needs to know about your sex life" is a common acephobic talking point. There are aros taking a thing one ace person said, generalizing it to all aces. They were dismissive of things an ace person said on the basis of their asexuality. Any disagreement with an aro person by an ace person was treated as an example of arophobia, instead of someone else's opinion. "Aces are less oppressed than aros" is... an argument, suddenly (please, this really isn't oppression olympics). Ace people can be treated as if they have privilege..?? There's this mentality that if your group (aros) is more oppressed on average, it's impossible really do harm to a person from a group that is less oppressed. (No, I'm not getting into who and why and how is more oppressed, pls do me a favor and don't start that topic on this thread.) I think we need to realize that some aro spaces are getting acephobic, realize that there's potential in aros to be acephobic, and try to combat that, so that we're like you know, decent humans, and don't start alienating aroaces who identify strongly with their asexuality.
  8. 6 points
    I'm feeling a bit adrift at the moment. Maybe you fellow aros can help me. Sorry if it's coming of as a bit of a rant. Feel free to comment about relating experiences, it doesn't have to be about my own personal musings. Ever since I moved away from my parents home, ten years ago, I've lived this kind of temporary life where everything I did was somewhat fleeting. Whatever I did it was always in my mind that it wouldn't last, college, the places I lived, my first job, my second job. I was always looking forward, feeling like the present was a preparation, a saving up for the future where my ideal life could begin. That's not to say I've not been happy. I've mostly enjoyed myself and I feel proud about how much I've accomplished. But now, when I'm close to thirty, I feel like I don't want to live that way anymore. I want to feel like I'm settled. For most people this would correspond to finding a partner and having kids, but I don't want either. When I try to imagine my ideal living situation it's some sort of communal living with a group of people. Preferably with a mission of some kind to promote community building and sustainability. But it's not like such a group is readily available. I've been trying to connect to different organizations to find like minded people but it's hard to know how to seek people out for such a big thing. I also feel like I'm afraid of actually trying to make such a thing happen for real. Because when it's in your mind it can be perfect. Does anyone struggle with similar feelings, wanting to settle down but being unsure about how?
  9. 6 points
    Also I know not many people will probably see this but thank you thank you thank you to all of the wonderful people in this community who worked so hard to save this website I appreciate y'all
  10. 6 points
    On the contrary, I think most, but not all, people here have been welcoming of AVEN as a backup plan, just not as it has been presented: as the best possible option.
  11. 6 points
    I can commit to running things from a technical perspective and potentially short-term funding. I don't know what the moderation story is here or the day to day running though - I have little ability to help on that front. I run servers for a living so this is definitely something I can take on in my free time.
  12. 5 points
    When thinking of aromanticism and all the misconceptions associated with it, the first to pop into our minds would undoubtedly be the classic, ignorant "aromantic people can't feel love". This issue has been discussed countless times so far, and a bunch of sound arguments have been lain on the table in order to show that this bullshit is not true. Unfortunately, this misconception is not the only one of its level. The other one, somewhat less talked about, is that "aromantic people are happy to be single". While this applies indeed to quite a few of us, it is far from being a general rule. I know a person who is a regular heteromantic, yet she said she doesn't envisage herself sharing her life with a partner. Then why wouldn't the reverse be true as well? There are aromantic people who seek a relationship which might look like a typical romantic one from the outside, but this does not make their aromanticism less valid. I am one of them. One of my biggest wishes is to find someone to share my life with. The kind of relationship I seek does have some elements which are traditionally considered romantic (more specifically, the intimacy: kissing, cuddling, holding hands, etc.). And yes, like many people, I feel this need to be someone's number one. "But how is this different from romantic attraction??", many may ask. Well, I'll tell you how. I never walk around the streets, spot a random guy, and think "YOU". It's this spark thing that I'm alienated from. And the dating/flirting thing. And the so-called butterflies in the stomach. And the idea of falling. Because I don't *fall* in love, I walk into it. And when I do, my feelings are strong. Different from normal friendship, but nor are they romantic in nature because like I said, I don't get over the moon and stuff. And if the feelings are not reciprocated, I respect it. But this doesn't mean I don't suffer. On the contrary, I am devastated. And as my feelings are not the result of a chemical attraction, the pain always remains. And I fear that I might never find what I seek.
  13. 5 points
    FWIW, aces are not strangers to having serious conversations about how to avoid homophobia and sex-shaming, because these are issues that have been endemic in our communities for years (as they are for many communities) and that many of us are constantly having to remember to push back on. For any specific instances of homophobia, I would just call it out as problematic the way you would content from any other aro group, whether it's ace aros, straight aros, cis aros, etc. The only thing to avoid, I guess, is implying that if an aro ace accidentally (or even delibertely) says something homophobic or sex-shaming, it's because they are ace, rather than because they just need to do some more work to unlearn problematic assumptions just as all of us do to some extent. On a more general level, it means acknowledging that aro communities have homophobia and sex-shaming problems of our own as well that we need to work on, and that they weren't just brought here by aro aces - they are something that's endemic to the overall culture that we're all embedded in and that all of us have inherited. (In general, I think the aro community definitely has a lot of areas where we could use a lot of work on that - and it's not just the ace folks or the straight folks here who are saying potentially problematic things).
  14. 5 points
    Well, yeah. But not everyone is constantly looking to do Activismâ„¢ every time they talk about their identities. Definitely if someone is setting out to say something with the intention of getting people to listen and think, then yes, it's probably in their best interests to not simply scream about things, but sometimes people just... Are venting, on their own blogs? Allo aros are allowed to be angry. We don't have to "get things done" every time we speak. Again, we do need to be really, really careful that our anger does not dip into outright acephobia- But so long as it doesn't cross that line, there's no real reason we shouldn't be able to just talk about our emotions sometimes. Being polite while explaining is good, definitely! But when not explaining, the language allo aros use to make personal posts on our own blogs- Again, so long as that language is not straight up acephobic rhetoric- Is our business, imo.
  15. 5 points
    Hi all! I was reading the discussion here about should AVEN be involved in arocalypse or not. My purpose is of course not to start again the discussion here, as it was locked so we can calm down, but to say what I understood reading the discussion : why the "ace and aro" thing can be problematic. So basically, the discussion was like this : "asexuality and aromanticism has always been tied" - "but we don't want it to be" - "it is interconnected" - "we don't feel that way" (that is a simplification of course). And this is how I finally get why even if I am aro and ace, I was always sceptical to see the two community always tied together. I think that seeing that aro felt not comfortable, the asexual community decided to be more inclusive. And that's why now, all ace events wants to be "ace and aro" : they fear that if they don't, they will be seen as not inclusive, or discriminatory against aros. This is well-intentionned. They are glad to share ressources for aros too. But doing that, they don't get that the aro community wants and needs more independance, because they are trying to be inclusive. Probably, they don't get problematics like how aros will be seen as a subcategory of aces - probably because aces are sharing the fact that all aces are not aros, but don't realize that the fact that all aros are not aces is not known at all. They probably don't get that we have also our own problematics that have nothing to do with asexualiity (though we share things in common too), and that we need to discuss it. So my point is : aces think they will stop intolerance against aro (in their own community) by being more inclusive. While it seems that aros are looking for the opposite : the recognition of their independance need and of their experiences. In that condition, it is impossible to talk because the two communities don't see the same problem. That was just my thoughts on that. Sorry if I am wrong, that's just what I get this morning.
  16. 5 points
    Sure. What I mean is, myself and others mentioned that many aros have left AVEN, or never joined in the first place, due to hostility towards aros and especially towards allo aros. You and the other AVEN rep here said the following: These two things do not line up. If AVEN truly does "crack down" on such behavior, then why have so many aros distance themselves from AVEN? Why does so much of the aro community so strongly sideeye AVEN? If AVEN was completely welcoming towards aros, then the question of "should AVEN take up Arocalypse" wouldn't be nearly as controversial, because people would feel much more comfortable knowing that it's an inclusive and welcoming site, and thus we would be able to trust the people who would be working with us. But that's not the case. The fact that everyone says "Yo, AVEN is horrible for aros" and everyone from AVEN says "Oh no no, that's not true, we definitely don't let that happen!" shows a. a level of unawareness towards aro issues and the aro presence on AVEN, and b. a lack of respect for the Arocalypse userbase, by denying our experiences or acting like they're some strange fluke. And while, again, I'm sure that's not done out of maliciousness so much as just not thinking carefully enough about it... That's still a thing. And it's not cool. I hope that explanation made sense?
  17. 5 points
    Given the number of aro individuals and at least one aro organisation also interested in keeping Arocalypse alive, it really shouldn't be necessary. I'm not sure why AVEN is seemingly our number one option.
  18. 5 points
    If there is literally no other alternative, then I guess that's what we have to do. Better than having the forums go down. But I would prefer not to have AVEN involved if there is literally any other possible solution, for a number of reasons.
  19. 5 points
    It's not bad to be with two people. But that's not at all what cheating is. Cheating is not the same as an open relationship or polyamory, which are consensual and agreed upon relationships. Cheating is nonconsensual. Cheating is an outright lie to someone that crosses a stated/agreed upon boundary of conduct with each other. It's bad to lie and gaslight and cross boundaries (and often it exposes people to unsafe sexual practice that one or more parties is unaware of and therefore unprepared for) - all of which can seriously impact someone's mental and emotional health to be manipulated and treated like that. I get how you feel because the one time I dated, I wanted nothing more than for my now-ex to have some of his needs met by other people more willing and with more energy to meet them. He had blanket permission to do whatever with whoever else from me (which upset and offended him very much), so there was not really a way to cheat on me. But not everyone feels the same way, and that's the difference. Think of a boundary that's important to you. (Maybe you have a boundary about being touched in a certain way or about a policy of honesty with friends or a certain level of contact with a family member or maybe even a boundary about interactions with your boss/another person in authority over you.) Think of someone you care about (or otherwise a relevant person in that scenario) in some capacity that explicitly knows you have that boundary and then specifically ignores and crosses that boundary and then outright lies about it, perhaps even gaslighting you to get you to believe them. Or even imagine that they secretly crossed that boundary and then later admitted to doing it, either by your confrontation or completely out of the blue because they felt bad about it. That might help you understand more how it feels when people get cheated on.
  20. 5 points
    I understand that, like, we've been told all our lives that the ultimate goal is marriage and kids, which I do not want. So, how do either of us proceed? I'm thinking of having like a close friend that I can live with but that also wont leave me for a romantic partner. Thats hard to find though.
  21. 4 points
    Your points are all good! Do you plan something about the split attraction model too? (I think it can be useful to both ace and aro communities, but even for LGBT+ in general because I think we are not the only people to use it). I saw some people complaining about how even therapists may have difficulties to get that being in couple will not necessarily increase our happiness. So in the same idea of being less amatonormative, I would say : acknowledging that ways to happiness differ for everyone. Thanks for your work!
  22. 4 points
    From what I hazily remember (haven't gotten around to checking archives yet), the grouping of asexual, aromantic, and also agender came about because of "Does/Should the A in LGBTQIA stand for Ally, or for Asexual [or Aromantic, or Agender]" debates in the early 2010s, especially on tumblr, so it's partially an association of identities centered around "absence of" type identities....but mostly about how they all happen to start with the letter "a" (hence, "a-spec" as a popular joint term for all 3 later, since it also focuses on that shared-first-letter connection). It started as a trend of users on tumblr complaining about the use of A for ally instead of A for Asexual, followed by other users chiming in that "hey, aromantic folks are another A that gets left out", followed by more people eventually also adding "oh hey, agender people too". That was somewhat scattered, until... ...It all came to a head when that trio was particularly popularized/cemented by the ~2015-2016 #giveitback hashtag campaigns that centered around twitter and tumblr users calling out orgs like GLAAD and also later American Apparel that featured campaigns with A for Ally rather than asexual (or aromantic or agender). The hashtag campaign was spearheaded by fuckyeahasexual, a very popular/influential blog on tumblr/twitter, who coined the hashtag and specifically mentioned all 3 a identities (asexual, aromantic, and agender) in their original post (something I think they had already been doing in earlier ace-community-internal discussions about the whole acronym thing). It got a lot of play both inside the ace community on tumblr and (perhaps more notably) outside of it as well, even getting mentions from wider LGBT online news and forums, so it was a lot of people's first exposure to that particular pairing (triad-ing?) of identities. That campaign eventually led to this statement from GLAAD that I think also involved some feedback from AVEN, and also mentions the full a trio. (I have my own feelings about that whole campaign, but that's another issue for another thread). This occurred slightly before or around the same time as popularization of "aspec" terminology, although the two weren't initially directly linked; I don't remember exactly when this a-identity-trio concept got merged with the term "aspec" specifically but I think it was sometime shortly after this - if anyone is bored it could probably be found by digging through tumblr aspec tag pages (these links might help find the right times to start at). My guess is that some of the prominent early adopters of "aspec" were also involved in these other campaigns and merged the concepts (whether unconsciously, or as part of a conscious effort to not "leave out" agender people as part of their sense of the joint "a-" community), and then other users just repeated it on from there until it was seen as a semi-widely accepted truth. I think it also ties back into the annoying ambiguity of "a-spec" for unfamiliar audiences - just as some users assume that it's just short for asexual when first hearing it, others assume that it must be for all a-identities, especially because of it's emphasis on that shared a- prefix). - Either way, at this point, there's enough users that treat it that way that that cat's out of the bag and I don't feel comfortable using it for efforts that don't include agender people or content...and since most of my work doesn't, I just don't use it all (on top of other complaints about it's ambiguity or the way it is used to conflate things that maybe shouldn't always be conflated).
  23. 4 points
    So as we talk here, I am interested in creating a Wikipedia page about aromanticism, because we lack one and let's be honnest : it is very important for visibility and people people believing we exist. However I can't picture myself to do it alone (because it is about all the communauté, not just me), and because as people said in the other thread it can be long. I will not have the time to be involved in it before the end of the month, but as arocalypse may be closing 😢 I am looking now for people who are interesting. If so, please say it here or send me a private message.
  24. 4 points
    This year, AUREA is leading the new Aro Census: a community-wide survey of people on the aromantic spectrum. The purpose of the census is to gain knowledge and through this, a better understanding of the aromantic community. Participation is limited to persons identifying on the aromantic spectrum. If you are interested in potentially participating, follow this link for more information: https://forms.gle/zvit4Yvjfy6N1gGW7. We'd like to reach aromantic people who aren't in touch with aro communities through social media, so please share with others who may be interested.
  25. 4 points
    In an effort to streamline the profile a little, reduce confusion and generally make things better for everyone the follow changes to profile fields have been made: The Romanticism profile field has been renamed to simply Orientation. The Sexuality field has been hidden from everyone but yourself so you can just copy and paste that information into the Orientation field if you wish. The Sexuality field will be removed completely in the coming weeks. Feel free to include as much or as little information as you feel relevant in the new Orientation field. This change has been made to make things easier. New people felt the need to include both when sometimes they weren't relevant and others didn't have the fields they needed to fully express themselves. I think this change puts everyone in a better position.
  26. 4 points
    I'm going to preface this with a disclaimer: I am very aware that I can also be guilty of this - I feel we all can be. That said, I would like to encourage everyone to take this to heart. Talk to people if something is upsetting you. I can't address other platforms and most of the links shared so far have been to Tumblr, but I do want to say that if this happens within this forum then please reach out to one of the staff. We definitely don't want this sort of behaviour on the forums and there are things we can do to help.
  27. 4 points
    I wish communal living was more widely accepted in general. As someone classified as disabled by a lot of people, living on my own just isn't really feasible. But whenever I mention that I live with a woman (I'm an AMAB enby) I get Looks. Those looks only intensify if I say we used to date (before I realised I was aro).
  28. 4 points
    I've been hyperfocusing on researching and I've found many links, and will put some of the most useful ones here. I've been searching using google scholar for anything mentioning "aromantic" and "aromanticism". Many things I've found primarily discuss asexuality but also explicitly mention aromanticism. Between that and paywalls, some of the best articles I've found in full are thesis papers, and I'm unsure how "official" they would be considered for our purposes. Mentions but not much depth on aromanticism: 1. https://commons.emich.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=https://scholar.google.com/&httpsredir=1&article=1090&context=mcnair acknowledges aro spectrum and it paralleling ace spectrum; mentions how, for example, aromantic may be less welcome in queer spaces than biromantic ace and other problems aro exclusion in queer spaces; mentions queerplatonic; 2. talks about queer media representation and say "aromantic asexuals are almost entirely unrepresented" 3. https://philpapers.org/archive/JACLFB-2.pdf Parallels bi & a-spec erasure; uses the word allosexual; discusses how people dislike a-specs for not conforming to expectations for intimate relationships and how it's more prominent for people who are aro rather than just for people who are alloro ace. 4. https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=L9CwDwAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PT123&dq="aromantic"&ots=I2uTh1HQ5l&sig=dhnQc4qdKzxm4-49-Qt_v5r-iDY defines aro, grayro, and demiro; "the fact that many definitions for aforementioned words mainly only exist in online social media groups (such as tumblr and reddit) underscores the continuing invisibility [of a-spec community] in academic contexts" (out of ace people) mentions how heteroromantic and aromantic people feel alienated from queer/lgbtqa groups without other queer identity (consistent with stuff from 1st article) 5. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2018.1531281 analyzes queer intimacy/relationship diversity and specifically acknowledges aro (though really not much good detailed info) 6. https://munin.uit.no/bitstream/handle/10037/8108/thesis.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y argues why Katniss from Hunger Games can canonically be considered aromantic (also, interestingly, this is specifically aromantic without really mentioning asexual) Comparatively better in depth info on aro stuff: 1. https://academicworks.cuny.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1050&context=jj_etds Mentions anyone of any sexual orientation can be aromantic and that some aromantic people do date Conflation of asexual with aromantic and how that's misunderstood stereotype, microaggressions such as parents reacting more negatively to perception of kids being aro when coming out as opposed to just ace (so, acknowledges some of microaggressions tied more to being aro than to being ace) mentions media with microagressions, and specifically the aromanticism and asexuality of Jughead Jones being erased by TV show. 2. https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Ela_Przybylo/publication/337089696_Asexual_Erotics_Intimate_Readings_of_Compulsory_Sexuality/links/5dc48588a6fdcc2d2ffb683e/Asexual-Erotics-Intimate-Readings-of-Compulsory-Sexuality.pdf mentions connection between aromantic and amatonormativity mentions aromantic as part of a spectrum 3. https://digital.library.ryerson.ca/islandora/object/RULA:5628/datastream/OBJ/download/For_lack_of_a_better_word__neo-identities_in_non-cisgender__non-straight_communities_on_Tumblr___.pdf (this one might be my favorite) talks about neoidentities on tumblr, talks about communities finding words which "official"/academic sources tend to not acknowledge mentions and defines "less common" identities including nebularomantic, idemromantic, akoi/lithromantic, and recipromantic; generally acknowledges diverse experiences of aro spectrum acknowledges that while asexuality gains recognition, aromanticism is still relatively unknown *** Things can talk about in article: can mention aro characters, this has Jughead & Katniss, would want to look into others Some stuff for discussing aro spectrum and various identities some stuff acknowledging alienation/dehumanization/microaggressions against aromantics, and it being different or worse against aro aces than against alloro aces several things explicitly acknowledging that people can be aro and not ace (aka allosexual), though unfortunately hard to find stuff going into more depth on that since most things look at aro aces. can elaborate some stuff of connections of aromantic with amatonormativity and with relationship stuff Future Research: discussing aro history and organizations with sufficiently "official" sources? there's many stuff mentioning things like the founding of AVEN, parallel stuff about arocalypse and AUREA seems reasonable to include. more research for more aro characters can bulk stuff up with some, along with aro celebrities ideally; can include discussion about how very rare any representation is
  29. 4 points
    So my favorite book series is "the Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel" by Michael Scott. There isn't any romance in it at all. (or if there is it was not a big enough deal for me to notice it) The series is about twin teenagers who get caught up in a magical world by complete accident or so they think. I would recommend it anyone, but especially arospec people, because of the lack of romance and the focus on platonic relationships. (both familial relationships and friendships)
  30. 4 points
    i'm nearing the end of my college career now, and as i'm trying to figure out what comes next, this is the problem i am facing. i have great friends here, but because we'll likely go our separate ways some day, i can't help but dwell on the fact that every phase of life is fleeting. the first step is deciding what you want from the rest of your life. the second step is figuring out how to achieve it. i don't even have the first one figured out yet.
  31. 4 points
    We have also previously suggested another option. @Momo has agreed to handling the technical end of things, while finances would be covered by several people. @Lokiana and @Magni have offered to be moderators indefinitely, although ideally we'd like to take on dedicated mods who could devote their time more fully to the forums, as both Lokiana and Magni are committed to other projects. The downside of this plan is that this team would have less experience running a forum specifically. The upside is that we're in touch with aro communities and our members have been active on the forums. It would also stay unaffiliated with AVEN, it's culture, and asexual communities in general by keeping the forums separate. There were originally hesitancies over whether we should take over as AUREA, as we don't wish to monopolize the aro communities, or let our offer be just be a few members lending a hand. In light of the developments however, it is possible for the AUREA team to take over maintaining the forums. We'd like to know what other offers are on the table eventually, too, as maybe there is one that would be more beneficial to the community.
  32. 4 points
    To this point, this isn't even about AVEN in particular for me. True, there's many people in the community who have personal experiences and that makes this a little more visceral for them. But I would be against any of the other big non-aro organisations getting involved as a first option. It's nice that those options exist, but if we can keep Arocalypse run by people inside the community then that will be my vote every time.
  33. 4 points
    Noooooooo!!! (Sorry, it came from the heart) I don't have time or knowledge to do it. If no one does I agree with what @DavidMS703 said : Can it merged with AUREA? I always saw AUREA as complementary to arocalypse, that I see as the official forum. If arocalypse shuts down we'll miss something important.
  34. 4 points
    Oh noooo!! Big F... I wonder if anyone will take over. (Sure ain't gonna be me, I'm a horribly disorganized college student, but I wish the best of luck to whoever does.)
  35. 4 points
    Seconding what everyone else said, and I say this as an aro who is very much concerned with not being "tied down" to any one person in my life. Imagine it like this. Let's say you're entering some sort of tournament that involves teams of two. You and your teammate are really excited for this tournament! You're very loyal to each other, ride or die. You work great together and really balance out each others' strengths and weaknesses. You're honored that your partner chose you as their teammate, and the bond you have runs deep; When you win, it will be together. If one of you goes down, you both lose. You're in this for the long haul, and you talk often about the strength of your bond as partners- There's no one you'd rather have fighting by your side, and you know your teammate feels the same. You're in it to win it, together. As the tournament progresses, you notice that your teammate seems increasingly tired. Concerned, you question them about it, asking if they're ok; They insist they're fine, even though this kind of exhaustion is unusual for them, which you know because you know them so well as a teammate. Eventually, your teammate confesses to you: This whole time, they've also been teaming with one of your opponents. All of that stuff about winning together, being the perfect team? That was all a lie. You've been putting in your all, giving 100% to support your partner, talking about how strong your bond is, how you'll win together- And all this time, your partner hasn't been giving their all, because they were busy working for another team without asking or even telling you, their loyal teammate. Not because they were tricked, or blackmailed, or anything like that, but just because... They wanted to. Because they liked someone else better. They could have said from the beginning, "Hey, I'd really like to play for this team too- Is that cool with you?", but instead they lied to you, telling you that you're the only one for them, that you're an unbreakable duo. They didn't care about you enough to be honest with you, or ask how you felt. They did what they wanted, without caring what you wanted; They lied to you, and even compromised their ability to provide what they'd promised- While you'd been putting in full effort to win the tournament, as was the arrangement, they were not, because they were dividing their time and energy between you and someone else, while claiming that they were giving 100%. After everything you did for them, all the genuine effort you went through to win the prize together with them, they let you down by lying to you and not treating you with the same respect you were treating them. Wouldn't that suck?
  36. 4 points
    There *isn't* anything wrong with being with two people. The problem is when that wasn't discussed and one person is going behind another's back. I think maybe you're mixing up cheating with polyamory, and those aren't the same at all. Cheating within a monogamous (non polyamorous) relationship is where two people have agreed to be together, and one of them sees another person without the first's knowledge or agreement. Polyamory is when multiple people all agree to be with each other, or that their partner can see other people (it can be many other things too but the agreement is what's important.) Romantic relationships in our society are in most places monogamous by default. This is a norm we need to challenge, and the fact that romantic and platonic relationships operate on different rules is also something we need to challenge, so I see why you as someone on the arospec may feel confused about the exclusivity of romantic relationships when people are free to have as many friends as they like, but like it or not that's the norm. People assume their relationships will be exclusive, so conversations need to be had if that's not going to be the case. Moreover 'cheating' doesn't just mean being with multiple people, and it can happen in polyamorous relationships too. If a triad lays out the 'rules' that none of them will have any more partners and one of the three does, that's still cheating. If a couple have an open relationship on the condition that safe sex is practiced whatever, and one partner has unprotected sex with a new person, that's cheating. Really try to think of it as breaking the rules. So, tl;dr: 'cheating' isn't not being 'tied down', it's violating the boundaries another person/people in your relationship have set out. It's wrong because you've done something that you know your partner(s) didn't want you to do and will be upset by. I hope that makes sense.
  37. 4 points
    I know this is derailing the thread a bit, but since the topic of wikipedia came up, here's some thoughts from following the many-years-long struggle to make even basic updates to the ace wikipedia page: First, you can see more about why pages have been changed (including edits added and edits rejected) by looking at the "View History" and "Talk" pages at the top. At the moment, it looks like the reason aromanticism does not have it's own page is because of an overall lack of content, especially a lack of wikipedia-acceptable "reliable sources" that can be cited or that information can be drawn from - this was also one of the biggest hurdles the asexuality page faced when people tried to start cleaning it up. (Instead, it is made part of an overall romantic orientation page, where you can find current talk notes). Generally speaking, wikipedia editors will often reject edits that aren't linked to citations of some kind of newspaper, semi-traditional news media (huffington post etc.) or academic article (and will often not allow pages from orgs like AVEN or AUREA, which makes things extra difficult). So before you even start editing the page, it helps to gather any news or academic article that mention the information you want to include (like flags, terms, definitions, historical events, etc.). And if there aren't any articles available....it helps to have a list of things that are needed, and then you can recruit help to try and get people to mention them in any interviews for articles for things like ASAW, pride month in June, etc. (Contacting local or student papers around these events can also help.) This is the part that requires some patience, because sometimes it can take a couple years of education and media outeach before you have enough citable source material for everything you want to include. If anyone is particularly interested in getting up to date, it might be worth starting a new thread and reaching out to other parts of the aro community to see if there's anyone else interested in setting up a wiki team to tackle the project of figuring out what information we want to include, finding sources for it, angling to generate sources if needed, and then actually learning a bit about wiki editing guidelines and actually starting to suggest edits.
  38. 4 points
    Alternatively, assumed you were bi or pan because you felt equally towards all genders.
  39. 3 points
    Can you possibly be more specific or maybe write us a paragraph example of what you mean by tell you how we knew we were aro but as if we were a book character? Are you just meaning you want us to write in third person? Or something else? Generally, I want to say that people focus way too much on age. Our identities, who we are - these are not static things. People are dynamic! People change. We grow, we learn, we go through new experiences. New language is created and new ways to connect with people and share knowledge are created. Picking a label now doesn't mean it has to 100% be your forever label. It's okay if the term aromantic helps you out now but you decide to use a different label at any later point - in a few days, weeks, months, or years. You're not doing anything wrong by trying out different labels or using different labels at any point in your life. Also, if you are subconsciously trying to be aro (whatever that means - I'm genuinely unsure), maybe there's a reason for that? Maybe it's okay that you respect your feelings and whatever is causing you to feel this way? It's okay to identify as aromantic because you want to. That's all a part of questioning and exploration and figuring yourself out.
  40. 3 points
    I think one thing the queer community in general has had a hard time separating and recognizing is the coexisting ideas of 1) different queer sexualities don't necessarily oppress each other and different queer genders don't necessarily oppress each other - ie, cis/het are the oppressive systems here, and 2) people can act crappily and with prejudice without specifically being an oppressor. Cis/heterosexism and cis/heteronormativity impact us in different ways, but that doesn't necessarily make us privileged over each other or oppressive towards each other as a result of that. (Of course being queer doesn't erase but in fact interplays with other factors like race, disability, weight, etc.) And I've definitely seen behaviors that make me feel that the aro and ace communities have fallen victim to this as well. I've sometimes been made to feel like I, as an aroace, made some specific and active choice to somehow oppress and erase alloaros and non-sam aros from aromanticism simply by the fact that I'm aroace (and that if I want to participate in aro spaces, then I need to disregard my asexuality). Which is decidedly untrue. The lack of visibility and acceptance for these aros is an issue for sure, but it's not one that I specifically created just by existing or being asexual and I shouldn't have to abandon my asexuality to be valid as aro or to have my aro experiences treated as accepted and valuable.
  41. 3 points
  42. 3 points
    So I was thinking about it and I realized that the few times I have felt romantic attraction was always for a friend I had already formed a connection with, so I'm identifying as demiromantic now. Also got dumped a few months ago and I feel like I'm back to my old self just content chillin by myself thinkin about when I can hang out with my friends and get more dogs.
  43. 3 points
    I feel like I'm missing a part of this thought process or conversation. ? There are people who are aromantic, asexual, and agender. (They have some funny triple A battery pun jokes.) They're people just like the rest of us. Thinking of them as godlike reminds me of when people's first reaction to asexuality is "oh, you must be so productive!" Like, no, I'm depressed with terrible executive dysfunction issues, lmao. I also personally don't feel particularly positive about defining these identities as being "devoid" of something. =x I guess it's not a completely negative definition, but "devoid" does have negative connotations for me personally. Or are you talking about writing a deity character who is triple A or something???
  44. 3 points
    I'll be honest: My point in the other thread was NOT actually about the literal history between the bi community and the aro community. My point was that for someone to say that they "feel sexuality and romantic orientation are inherently connected" and then exclusively use this as reason why aros and aces need to stick together, while also claiming to support allo aros, would be entirely hypocritical; If sexuality and romantic orientation are connected and therefore something something history community ties, and aroace is not the "default" or "correcT" form of aro, then surely any orientation an aro can have is just as important something something history, right? I used the bi community as an example because I myself am bisexual, but it was only an example. I was not talking about a literal history. That being said, if you really are interested in the real history between the aro community and the bi community, I'm going to second everything @VoidArcana said, and also politely and gently ask that you research it yourself if you want to learn more. This isn't me saying "Meh meh, do it yourself!", this is me saying I'm just really not mentally up to doing a deep research dive for someone else right now; As someone with asthma and a heart condition, I'm currently a bit emotionally drained by the fact that I don't know if I'm going to be alive at the end of the next two months and also that the people around me keep repeating eugenicist rhetoric (which admittedly has nothing to do with Arocalypse, this is just what's going on with society in general), so I just... I can't do that for you right now. I highly encourage you to do some research if you're interested, but I cannot do it for you right now for mental health reasons. Thank you for understanding.
  45. 3 points
    Are you seriously gonna sit there and say 'there is no denying that the history of the two movements (asexuality and aromanticism) is highly interconnected' and then turn around and talk about the connection between the bi and ace communities while claiming you don't know of any such connection between the bi and aro communities? Yea the ace and aro communities have been very connected in the past, to the point where we SHARE the connection with the bi community you're talking about. The bi community housed aros when we didnt have a name, just like it did aces, and many aros (like myself) thought they were bi before realising what aromanticism was. You really gonna try and claim our shared history while ignoring it one post later?
  46. 3 points
    Yeah, for the record, I'm also a bit handwavy on being associated with AVEN. To be honest, I don't know exactly what they've done to the aro community because Arocalypse was my first foray into this community, but I do feel very strongly that my identity is not at all tied to asexuality (because I'm allo). I get that's not for everyone, and that the overlap is a big part of the aro world, but if this site had been in any way affiliated with AVEN when I heard about it and I knew that, I would feel like I didn't have a place here, because I'm not ace. If it were truly a silent investor type deal where they paid the bills and never glanced over here or advertised that they were paying the bills, I'd be fine, but I really wouldn't feel comfortable any other way. Even if AVEN were totally silent, it wouldn't necessarily solve this really good point. I like Arocalypse because it gives me a safe place to explore the community I'm part of and learn about the issues that affect my community without being constantly conflated with or compared to other LGBTQ+ people's struggles. It's a lot less likely to turn into the oppression Olympics or the kinds of really harmful gatekeeping that occur in other queer communities I'm part of if we're all on the same team, so to speak. Again, I don't have any specifics, but for instance, if there were a board for enbies that was owned by exclusively binary trans folks under an organization for exclusively binary trans folks, I'd think twice before joining.
  47. 3 points
    Anyway, what’s up allo aros! How y’all doin today?
  48. 3 points
    Ace chiming in just to say that FWIW, allosexual was originally created by ace people as a way to talk about the differences in experience between asexual people and other orientations like gay, straight, bi, poly, etc.....but just saying "asexuals may.....while allosexuals may not...." is much faster than listing everything out, and doesn't have the same problematic connotations as calling some people "sexuals" (previously a common but contentious term), which is a very loaded word in many ways. It's coining has the same general motivations as the term "cisgender", in that these words are ways to talk about asexual/trans experiences without assuming that being allosexual/cisgender is a normal, unmarked default that need not be acknowledged, and that only weird asexual or trans people needed to put in the work to explain or label themselves. It was popularized exactly because it did not single out aces the way that only having asexuals label themselves did. That's not to say I don't have my own gripes (it's kinda jargony and not as useful for 101s so it's not going to be the best term for all purposes, and sometimes it's used in some contexts it would be more helpful to break out various types of queer and straight experiences, etc.) but the existence of the word is not the cause of those problems. So from that perspective, we're glad to see that allo people are also starting to use it, and not just ace people!
  49. 3 points
    Thank you:) The boundary explanation helped a lot, and i should have said that i do know the difference between polyamory and cheating! Honestly i just want to be able to help my friends when they come to me for advice but it's an emotion i can't really fathom as i've never been in a situation where i have someone all to myself it's so weird
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