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  1. When I was 10, I was in a movie theatre with friends. Our class had only two boys so basically they were discussing which one they would "pick". I was uninterested in the conversation until one of the girls turned to me and said, "Hey, who do you think is cute"?. My immediate response was "my dog is cute!" as the topic made me really uncomfortable. They all laughed and it was an inside joke about how "oblivious" I was for a couple years. It didn't occur to me I was aro until the end of college but that moment probably should have tipped me off. Clearly all I need is a canine companio
    9 points
  2. I feel you so much. I just want to feel understood, not just "accepted". The fact that the identity is pretty much invisible outside of the people who directly identify with one of the aromantic or asexual oreintations doesn't help. Honestly, it's painful to hear close friend after close friend and family member after family member completely misunderstand and miss the mark when they're trying to be supportive to me. Just now when trying to explain my (aromantic) feelings, one of my close family members compared my experience to someone expriencing depression (a medical illness) and it was re
    6 points
  3. Hey all! So I've been working on a challenging amatonormativity guide and it is done, wooo. I'm posting this here because it is aimed at alloromantic folks (although could be useful for aros dealing with internalized amatonormativity). I'm hoping that allies that will use this guide in order to not only be better allies to aros, but to also actively challenge their own amatonormative standards. Feel free to share it, especially with people in your life who could benefit from learning about amatonormativity. And if there is anyone on the forums who consider themselves an ally to aros, ple
    6 points
  4. Oh, I thought friends with benefits were friends who platonically got married for tax reasons until fourth grade. I was probably the most oblivious aroace ever
    6 points
  5. If you're confused about what you want or don't want, about whether it's okay to want a relationship even though you're arospec, if you're worried nothing will ever work out because you think your orientation just too complicated, here is a sign saying it is possible to for it to work out. I went through high school questioning my aro identity because I wanted a relationship but I just didn't seem to have romantic feelings. After years of questioning, I settled on the term aroflux, but I don't really feel romantic attraction. Mostly I flux between alterous and platonic attraction for peop
    6 points
  6. What a great thread 😄 I love how being aro puts me so far out of the standard life paths that I have a "reason" to carve out my own. It would've happened anyway but with a lot more struggle, self-doubt and time. I love my freedom!
    6 points
  7. I realise now that whenever I made serious plans for the future I always worked on the assumption that I would be living alone and as self sufficient as I could be. I remember when I first went to university and I was making sure I learnt all the cooking things I wanted before I left, my grandad joked that I should 'just find myself a woman for that'. This was also a thing when I was first looking for places to live, the thought of having a bit more space incase someone moved in with me just never occured to me and I only found out that was unusual when a friend visited and asked me what
    5 points
  8. Yes, everytime you come out you have to turn into a dictionnary and it sucks. I remember when I was having a discussion about Jughead in Riverdale and someone said "we should not learn to teens to throw themselves into their box because then they'll close themselves to romance" or something like that. That's just so stupid. Usually when we identify with a label, we have a reason. Of course it could turn out we were mistaken, but that doesn't invalidate anything we felt on the moment.
    5 points
  9. As a kid I wasn't thinking about all this at all. As a teenager in junior high and in highschool I was the only one who wasn't interested in having a boyfriend. I really didn't get why people wanted a relationship so young. I thought that it would maybe change growing up but it didn't.
    5 points
  10. You are the only person who can know how you feel, but from what you're describing it seems like you may be a romance repulsed aro. Some things that helped me when I was questioning was reading lots and lots of threads. One place to start would be the 'you might be aro if' thread (YMBAI), and even explore AVEN, since there's lots of content there. If you feel you relate to those... you might be aro! The other thing is, it's really nice to have a label, but it can also be good to let yourself live and make decisions, and see how those decisions and actions fit into a label. Whatever
    5 points
  11. Hhpey, I just want to leave this text here... bc I feel like it has some very good points and I thought some of you might like it, too. Feel free to share what you think about it! it’s from an aroace perspective so I thought it’s maybe better here than in another thread, but I don’t know the thread-structure of this forum that well haha the article ” And yet, most aroace people we get to know or heard about or read about – they mostly and firstly identify as ace. We ponder why this is the case? Why aromanticism feels less important to them in this amatonormative
    5 points
  12. I remember at one point in high school thinking 'How do people just 'find' each other and know they would want a romantic relationship with that person. What is this so called 'magic' people describe?'
    5 points
  13. Most friendships will probably be casual, but that's not to say all your friendships will be. As with any kind of relationship, it takes time, effort and a willing partner to go from a casual friendship to a deep one. I was where you are now, sol, when I was in my early thirties. Looking for deep connections, and I thought those could only be found in a romantic partner (it's also why it took me ages to realize I'm aro...) And then I met two wonderful friends, we hit it off in no time and the friendship deepened over time. We had the same intentions of wanting a strong connection and one of th
    5 points
  14. Once, when I was around 11, my classmate asked me if I would like to date him. It was kida uncomfortable for me, so I found a way to get away without hurting him in any way. So I said: "If you buy me a horse, I will date you". He didn't answer, but I was really proud of myself.
    5 points
  15. if ur asking this question, u probably haven't felt romantic attraction before, or maybe u experience attraction more fluidly, like a combo of platonic and romantic feelings :) In my experience, the difference between a romantic vs. platonic relationship is the feelings/attraction and the connotations assigned to the actions, not the actions themselves. Either type of relationship can involve any variation of activities, intimacy, commitment, etc. No action is inherently romantic or platonic. Romantic Feelings/Attraction: Most people i've talked to who experience romo attraction desc
    5 points
  16. Actually I want to challenge this a bit I don't think what you're describing here is the differences between friendships and romantic relationships, but amatonormativity/toxic elements present in many romantic relationships. I'm not disagreeing that these things are common, but I think it's unhelpful to op to define romance like this. I frankly think it's rude as hell to say romantic interest is 'unrealistic', 'obsessive', or based on 'social status'. It can be, but so can friendship, sex, or any other kind of relationship. We as aros may not like how some people go about romantic d
    5 points
  17. Well, something rather fascinating happened at my workplace yesterday. Some folks in the break room where I work were talking about how one of my co-workers had a crush on another (I didn't know whether that was true - I have a feeling it wasn't). That lead to my manager stating that "everyone in Park City is dating each other". I replied that that wasn't true -- I'm not dating anyone ... and I live in Park City! Then, my manager said to me, in a joking tone of voice, "What's wrong with you?" I did not reply to that ... as I was already on my way out the door by that point. Before I exite
    5 points
  18. My university lecturer is talking about milestones in life: “falling in love, marriage, the first kid, kids move out, death” umm well
    5 points
  19. The moment i realized that i was fine on my own and didnt need anyone else to be happy or complete as a person felt like a weight was lifted off my chest. Felt like i could finally start living for me and not just to fullfill the expectations of other poeple.
    5 points
  20. I mean, I don't even understand relationships and even less the concept of romance at all. But anyone else feeling lonely on a platonic level? I don't have much friends and I never feel like I can talk to the few I have. Moreover, I'm shit at making new friends and especially forming lasting friendships (mostly because I'm a social and emotional disaster who tends to push people away as soon as I get emotionally attached to them).
    4 points
  21. Yeah it’s all in the title aromanticism is just invisible, nobody talks about it, nobody knows about it, nobody outside the aspec even uses (or knows!!!!) the SAM. not using it denies that aromanticism even EXISTS because NOBODY cares about romantic orientations Being aromantic is just like being non-existent. And I HATE IT. edit: I don’t hate being aromantic. I hate that nobody knows anything about us.
    4 points
  22. For me the important thing is to keep my life fresh. I have a fulfilling job and a few close friends and family members. And every now and then I experiment with new things to do in my spare time. For instance, I've recently started inline skating, and I've begun volunteering as a language coach for non-native speakers of Dutch who are learning the language and want some informal conversation practice. The downside of almost everyone speaking at least a moderate level of English in the Netherlands is that we immediately switch to English when we hear people struggling with Dutch, which is not
    4 points
  23. Perhaps you should approach the situation indirectly, like, "you know, I hear that some people never fall in love" or something like that, and see the reactions.
    4 points
  24. This resonates with me. I once spoke to my own mother about my aromantacism and it was painful. She first misheard me and thought I said “I’m a romantic” and she said “I always knew you were with all that romantic music you listen to!” So then I corrected her and she said “well don’t label yourself” as if I wasn’t sure. She was fine with me labeling my self as romantic, since that’s widely accepted and well known. But labeling myself as aromantic? Well now let’s not be too hasty! It really sucked. But I don’t need her understanding to live a fulfilling aromantic life. It does make me wish arom
    4 points
  25. I also find it very hard that people don't know about aromanticism because not knowing that it exists they make you feel that you are not normal and they make pressure on you because they don't accept that we don't have romantic attraction, this need to be in a relationship. They say there is something wrong with you, you should see someone to talk about it, you don't want to be happy... It hurts so much that people don't accept you the way you are because you are not in the norms of the society. It hurts that they don't understand that you don't want any of this, that you don't fee
    4 points
  26. I've thought a lot about the question about having kids as well. I don't want kids of my own, but I think the idea of volunteering in some sort of youth mentorship program could be really cool. That way I could "parent" kids without actually being a parent.
    4 points
  27. I just graduated uni as well, so I'm interested to see what others have to say here! I don't really have many answers (I'm relatively new to identifying as aro) but I've been doing some research and I think I want some kind of alterous relationship or a QPR in the future. I'm not sure how formal the relationship might be, but I like the idea of maybe sharing a house with them and generally being there for each other. I would enjoy having maybe a couple of QPPs but I'm not sure how likely that is, given how few people seem to be looking for that kind of relationship.
    4 points
  28. tw // interalized arophobia, internalized amatonormativity I've accepted the fact that I'm aromantic a long time ago, and most of the time I'm okay with it, even proud. But sometimes, when I'm watching a movie or reading a book, I see characters being deeply in love and the thought that "I may never experience something like that" crosses my mind. It's frustrating to catch myself having such thoughts when I should be comfortable with my aroness by now. Obviously, that has to do with the fact that the romanticization of romance was very strong in my education. (and of course, the lack
    4 points
  29. Doubling as an incredibly ace moment: it was only a few years ago when I came to know that "Netflix and chill" does not in fact mean hanging out on the couch and watching Netflix.
    4 points
  30. That is frustrating. I’m hard of hearing and have an auditory processing disorder so I use captions most of the time. The amount of stuff that is paraphrased, cut out, and changed from the audio drives me crazy. Sometimes the meaning is still there, they just reworded it and other times they change what was said enough that the meaning is different. And I’m watching original English audio with English captions so there is no translation needed.
    4 points
  31. One thing that this reminds me of is that when I was younger and my family knew I wasn't in a romantic relationship they kept saying, mostly jokingly, that I was 'just focusing on my work'. Perhaps people get in their heads that if someone isn't in a romantic relationship they must be choosing not to to work on other parts of their lives.
    4 points
  32. I disagree with this. Ignoring the weirdly judgmental tone of the whole post, I'll address these points one by one: Bi, pan and poly romantic people exist. And gendered platonic attraction also exists. Polyamory exists, as do possessive and jealous friendships. For some people physical attractiveness and social status are important, for many they aren't. This may be often a factor in limerence, but not all romance starts with limerence. This can also happen at the start of platonic relationships. This is true for most relationships... who starts a relationship (of
    4 points
  33. Though that can happen in the course of a normal life as well. Probably I would be too afraid of agreeing. But there is so much cultural baggage. Desiring immortality in an earthly, physical fashion is generally considered a very unhealthy and dark desire. It's understandable that humans thought that way in earlier times. They also had a way more relaxed attitude about their lives and safety. But nowadays we have "public health" which operates on the strange ethics: "Nothing is worth a reduction of your life span". If someone simply prefers living with unhealthy habits (
    4 points
  34. I live with a friend at the moment and it's been great! And if he ever gets a jealous girlfriend (or just a regular girlfriend who wants to live with him) I can move out and choose some other communal living situation. I don't have to consider the convenience of anyone else.
    4 points
  35. Maybe choose the label you want to be true and then you can always change later if it doesn't fit anymore. If you'd like to try to find a romantic relationship you could id as demiromantic. Or you can just say you're questioning. That's a valid identity too, there are people who spend their lives never really being sure if they maybe are capabel of feeling romantic attraction. I recommend reading about relationship anarchy cause it could help you think about relationships in a more individual organic way rather that just having to categorize them as binary romantic or platonic. For exampl
    4 points
  36. UGH! That video is so good! Part of the reason I don't like romance movies is because they make it seem like being in a relationship is the goal. Like "the busy business woman putting aside her business for the funny guy." Getting married and having kids shouldn't be the goal in life.
    4 points
  37. This thread makes me so happy! Thanks for starting this conversation, @Acecream. :) To mirror what others have said, finding the aro label and the community comes with a profound sense of freedom to live life according to your own values. I'm thankful that learning about my aromanticism has encouraged me to be way more critical of society's expectations and scripts for how life is supposed to work and how people are supposed to find happiness. Having that new approach to figuring out what feels authentic to me is invaluable, and I think it would've taken me a lot longer to discove
    4 points
  38. Me: *becomes pretty confident in my aro identity* Everyone else: *suddenly has a crush on me*
    3 points
  39. I'm very much the same - love travelling, love moving countries to start a new adventure. In some ways it does make it difficult to maintain older friendships, but on the flip side, I know so many people in so many countries now that most times I travel there's someone in the area I can catch up with, or even stay with. Sometimes going to catch up with old friends is my excuse for travelling in the first place! Maintaining longer-distance friendships is something you have to put a bit of active effort into, but it doesn't have to be much - even the occasional text/message to be like "Rand
    3 points
  40. I have never been interested in relationships and never understood why people so need to be in a relationship to be "happy" as they say. I only find out about aromantism recently because in France we don't even know that word. And now I finally know what I am and it is such a relief to be able to put a word on it even if being labelled is not important to me. I am also glad to have find this forum because I don't have any aroace or just aro around me. I so feel like you there is nothing about aromantism in my country too (or about asexuality actually) and I would love to get to know some
    3 points
  41. As a mature man (retiring in 10 years 🦁), here's a couple of insights: you need an occupation that keeps your intellect clicking stay fit but social, so team sport AND/OR music - also, some hangouts with like-minded (aros and aces, or die-hard singles) people reading time, cultural time, museum time, tourism time... it's never idle time!
    3 points
  42. I have a job now, and live in my own apartment. I have only lived here for a couple of months so I'm settled but not rooted. I have the good fortune to have a nice and sociable brother nearby, and have started hanging out more with him and his girlfriend since I moved here. There is a sense that while I live alone, I am not alone, since I have family nearby that I know I can trust, and friends online that I can always reach out to. I still do plan on getting my own house eventually with cats. Once I start dreaming, also horses. And I have been joking about getting a full on mansion and moving
    3 points
  43. Personally, I'd probably want a few QPPs too. I'd also want some kids, one or two (with my QPP(s) or alone, I just want to be a dad eventually). Pets will also definitely be in my future lol I'm younger, and when I imagine my ideal life in the future it's just a bunch of my really close friends and I being a part of each other's lives lol
    3 points
  44. A few days ago I put a comment in the aros as hardworking thread about how people in my family joked that I was 'just focusing on my work' as I wasn't in a romantic relationship. ( ) To be honest I don't mind them saying it but thinking back it is slightly frustrating that the first thing people around me think of for not being in a relationship is a focus on work rather than saying I'm taking time for myself. I don't think anyone would consider joking that I am just focusing on my hobbies. Has anyone else had people say this sort of thing? What do you think about it?
    3 points
  45. Personally felt as if it was me typing this post, it hurts knowing that friendships are not prioritized like other relationships are. My bonds felt even more flimsy when I realized my feelings for them no where matched, theirs for me. That's how I know for sure that I want qpp(s), individual(s) that will invest the same kind of interest and commitment into our platonic connection. Sadly haven't found a partner or potential candidates for that. I also want other platonic connections that may not be QPRs, with people who don't make me feel insecure when it comes to our friendships not
    3 points
  46. Does anyone have any preference for topic for May's meet? I was thinking about choosing a story or two or more from https://aroworlds.files.wordpress.com/2020/11/bones-of-green-and-hearts-of-gold-k.-a.-cook.pdf (thanks to whoever put it on the google doc). I looked at the Aze journal but it seems much more asexuality based (though I do like much of the art work). What do people think? I'll have a closer look at the Aro Worlds pdf over the weekend (I'm busy tomorrow) to see how long the stories are. Or would people like a month or there's about from now to read them all and th
    3 points
  47. I think the more pertinent question is, does the distinction matter to you? Which label do you want to use? Labels exist to serve our communication needs. Instead of focusing on what you could potentially be, try turning it around and focusing on what you want to tell other people.
    3 points
  48. I guess being aro does impact this because I know I will never have a long term romantic partner to split work with. So I know I will need to both do any work at home to keep the house in check or it won't get done. Any money I make I have to make myself and I am completely responsible for scheduling what I am doing and when I am doing it. I doubt I have any more innate work ethic but I reckon I have more need to do things myself.
    3 points
  49. Being self reliant is fantastic. I am quite happy that there is no one person who has great control over how I live my life in the way a romantic relationship tends to have.
    3 points
  50. Person says "I like you" and I don't get they don't mean it in a platonic/friendly way. Every. Damn. Time. I'm too oblivious for this world.
    3 points
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