Hello! This is my first post in this forum, so apologies if it's in the wrong place or anything like that.
Anyways, I wanted to re-account some of my personal experiences and see if hey, maybe some of you experienced something similar! I've struggled with my romantic orientation/sexual orientation for a while, and I'd say it's still ongoing. I'm 18, nearly 19, and born female (I am not publicly "out" as identifying as not... particularly female, as she/her pronouns don't bother me) to set the background up.
My first experience with relationships/romance was in kindergarten. I saw a boy and I, in my childish immaturity, I said I loved him. Did I? I felt a happy flutter in my chest, but... that same flutter came to me when I lay on the burnt, Californian grass and stared over at my friend, laughing and happy.
It was strange.
I never wanted to date. The thought was strange to me, always. The boys and girls I felt a flutter for were people I wanted to hold hands with, snuggle with, be close to, and yet the idea of romance or dating always sent a wave of repulsion through my body. While the other kids had schoolyard kisses, I was more interested in running about and pretending I was an animal of sorts. The prospect of having children was not in my mind.
Elementary school came and went. Middle school was a tumultuous time. I spent many a night worrying about myself. Was I normal? Was I gay? Was I messed up? Will I be alone forever? Relationships didn't interest me, still. I was interested in other things, and romance... disgusted me. Especially the standard romantic format, with a woman being protected by a male. Their were more "crushes" I had, though I have a sneaking suspicion they were, too, squishes, for the prospect of dating was repulsive. As for kids... I didn't, and still don't, want them.
High school was less distressing, as I'd come to accept myself more. My friends were a part of the LGBT+ community, and me? I was a bit confused, but I'd come to terms with the possibility of not being straight. But I still didn't understand it. Love and attraction doesn't make sense to me. I love my pets, and I love my friends, but romantic love... it sounds so odd, so foreign. The lovestruck couples disgusted me, and being asked if I had a boyfriend yet was similarly revolting. The prospect of "being alone" was... not so scary or distressing, anymore. Afterall, I had friends and people around me, so I wouldn't be alone, really, even being without a partner.
Today, I still:
Find romance to be so silly! Why would you date someone you don't know? Why is getting flowers romantic? Why must women/men obsess over it... can't you just get a friend/friend with benefits?
Have no interest in being married - why would I want to share a house with anyone but a friend? Imagine living with a person forever... or even worse... having children.
Do not experience crushes. I am attracted to people, yes, as I am not asexual, but romantic relationships are a no. If anything, I just wish to be closer to people, perhaps do casual things with them, but being in a relationship is ehhh... having a life partner/QPP is fine, but anything with romantic subtones is ehhh.
Do not understand relationships. At all. I REALLY do not get it. It's so strange to me! Monitoring calls, getting jealous, smooching in public, cheating... why would anyone do it? The drama is so very odd to me.
Don't get marriage. Okay, the taxes, yeah, but why bind yourself to a person via a ring? There's much more meaningful bonds to make.
Cannot understand what "love" is. How could you love someone you barely know? How do you decide to marry someone after a couple of years, pledging your life to them? How do you "romantically" love someone?
Can't really write romance. An interesting thing I do is that everything I write turns into some sort of QPP or life partner situation. I cannot, for the life of me, write stereotypical romance! It either bores me or I find it stupid.
Of course, I assume these make sense to most folks, and would not be mad or irritated with them for it, yet... hm! I cannot say I really understand them.
But anyways... apologies for the long post! I'm curious, do any of you here relate to what I've personally experienced? Does this sounds like aromanticism, or something else?