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SilentShadows

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About SilentShadows

  • Rank
    Newbie
  • Birthday 03/02/2001

Personal Information

  • Name
    Shade
  • Orientation
    Aromantic Greyasexual (No gender pref)
  • Gender
    Gender non-conforming
  • Pronouns
    Any work
  • Location
    Northeast

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  1. Interesting thoughts, you all got me thinking, haha. For me, it's more of the importance? Like romantic relationships are regarded as deeper/more important than friendship. Ranking itself is a bit of a bummer, but it's not exactly the same - I wouldn't be jealous, really, of friends they have, though I might be a bit sad I miss out on certain activities. As for close friends as opposed to friends that are a bit more distant, I'd say they are both meaningful! But it's on the same level, in a way? Distant friends can become closer, and closer friends can grow distant. Yet romance is on a totally different level of closeness. ^ This explains it quite well. I feel the most "kicked in the gut" so to speak when someone I've known and been close to for years finds a romantic partner and very quickly grows to trust them and are even closer to them than they are to me, despite us being friends for years. I suppose it's a bit of a different feeling for me as well, since friendship is my deepest and strongest of non-familial relationships, while for others (allos, that is) romance tends to be the relationship type that they hold as the deepest and strongest. This made me smile, haha - I definitely appreciate being there for my friends and seeing them happy, though not being first choice can be a bit saddening. Self-care and self-"dates" almost sound great though, I always find getting out and just occupying myself can chase away the negative thoughts.
  2. Lately, I've been plagued by a vague, sinking feeling. My friends are mostly all alloromantics of varying gender/romantic identities, which is lovely. I support all of them and have been accepted in return (I currently identify as aromantic grayasexual with no gender preference). I'm especially close with a few friends, and I appreciate them being around to support me and one another. They are all great people, and I am so thankful to have them by my side. But I keep struggling with the fact that likely, they'll all be partnered up one day and have a person in their life who they're closer to than anyone else, a romantic partner who makes them happy on levels that I could never match, just due to the way romance typically works. Maybe it's different for some, but the way romance plays out in the cases I've seen implies such a deep, intense bond that just... does something for the people involved that platonic connection doesn't match. I know, I know, that's sorta what romance is for, in the case of allos, but.. I don't know. It's kind of like a blow to the gut when I see friends I'm particularly close to find a romantic partner and suddenly they're so... happy, and their world revolves around that person. I'm happy, of course, that they've found fulfillment, but guilty, too, because I inevitably feel a level of jealously and... hurt, I suppose? It's a bit strange - I'm not jealous of the relationship itself, since I'm not really into romance or romantic relationships. The jealously is one that's more centered on not being able to match the connection, in a way. For example... I had a best friend who I have since drifted apart from due to varying reasons. Anyways, during our friendship they (I'll use gender neutral terms for all my friends, sorry if it's confusing but I find that to be the easiest) got into a relationship. They seemed so... happy, with their partner, much happier than I felt I was able to make them. Of course, I was younger during that time so I'm sure I felt things a bit differently back then, but man was I hurt. The vibrance in them when they talked about their partner and the happiness they felt... it was lovely, of course, to see them happy, but I couldn't shake the feeling of betrayal and sadness. I was their number one confidant for a lot of things, and we were close. But when they got into a relationship, I wasn't their first choice in talking and friendship and whatever else there was. I was... second best, by a long shot. I never verbalized my feelings. I felt that my feelings were childish, at the time - shouldn't everyone be allowed to have fulfilling relationships? I also was very opposed to the idea of myself being aromantic, and thought I may have been jealous they were dating someone else (I wasn't, and had no romantic feelings towards my friend). I said nothing and we drifted gradually apart due to them spending time with their partner more and changes in personal interests. We speak rarely now, but I have other close friends to fill in the gap that our drifting apart had left. Those friends are mostly alloromantic, though one may be on the aro spectrum as well, however they're not really sure. Maybe it's due to my past experience, yet whenever my close friends now speak about relationships or looking for one... I feel a bit ill, uncomfortable and anticipating the worst. It doesn't matter to me with distant friends or acquaintances, or oddly enough... some of my close friends, but for a few of them, it really does hit me. The couple of friends who I'd be the most uncomfortable about are the closest, so perhaps that's why? The thought of them growing distant and then ultimately having someone that means something to them on a deeper level than what I could ever provide is... a bit saddening, really. And to reiterate - this is only ever with romantic relationships, my friends having new close friends doesn't really bother me to the same extent. I'm not really sure what to do about it, or if I should do anything at all. If I committed to a QPP of sorts, I'd rather not have to deal with romantic partners and the potential scuffle/jealousy that could invoke, so it wouldn't really be fair to ask that of the likely alloromantic people I know. But I still feel a sense of apprehension that in the end, all I'm ever going to be to someone is second best. It'd be so much easier if I could up and say hey, I am crushing on people and want to date them, yet... that's just not how I feel. I don't have interest in romantic relationships, only QPPs and close friendships. I don't think I will end up saying anything just because I don't think it will help, and I apologize for this being a bit long-winded, but... I am curious, does anyone else ever feel this way? Like you're doomed to always be a second best? And if so... how do you deal with it?
  3. I can think of a few signs! I would get "crushes" when I was younger, but be very confused because the idea of getting into a relationship was, frankly, repulsive to me. Later on I learned that squishes were a thing - I mostly just fantasized about getting closer to them (friend-wise) and thought that was a crush! I'd ask my mom if it was okay to not get married a lot and feel bad when she said you should, and that I'd want a family one day or I'd be lonely... that confused me too, cause well... friends! Weren't they enough? They made me happy! I would often be annoyed by romance. I liked the build-up, sometimes, but when it became full-on romance...? Instant ew. Romantic things always grossed me out. Over-the-top stuff and very expensive things especially. Weddings were awful, and I thought the money spent on them was outrageous. I felt different, and broken... why didn't I like the correct gender? Could I love? Would I be alone forever and be doomed like my mother said? This continued until I discovered and realized being Aro was A-okay.
  4. I sorta understand that! I feel pretty awkward discussing it because I don't really get their romantic attachments that formed the bond in the first place. But from what I've heard, it's kind of like betrayal of sorts... though, what I really don't get is why people date cheaters in the first place! It's one thing to simply not know, but if you do know they cheat... why go for them? Or stay with them after they cheat? What stops them from hurting you again, and does "love" reaaaaaaaaally stop them?
  5. I loveeee the idea of platonic cuddles and hugging... but in reality, they just kind of make me vaguely uncomfortable because a.) I get hot really easily, and I'd start to sweat, b.) I worry then that someone will misinterpret it as a romantic gesture, and c.) I have contamination-related OCD so I'm always worried about getting sick or spreading sickness. I do really enjoy casual kinda touching, though, like leaning against someone or brushing against one another. My family was never big on physical touch, so it kind of is a foreign subject to me. I don't mind it much, really, so as long as I care a lot about the person. I really am not fond of near strangers or new friends touching me, as I find it uncomfortable and strange. I prefer to initiate, too - I'm put off when people are aggressively affectionate because they seem to have no tact!
  6. Romance generally irritates me unless it's a genuine connection, and well... in any case, I like the connection, not the romance, haha. I find most media to display shallow, stereotypical romance that I find boring. I'm not generally repulsed by romance unless it's REALLY bad, like say Twilight, or is glorifying abusive behavior. Romantic kissing grosses me out sometimes, and the stereotypical woman being protected by a "big, strong man" trope in romance to any extent has always made me squirm in displeasure! In real life, I find fawning and romance to be honestly quite repulsive. No desire to receive/give it!
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