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ScarfOfSexualPreference

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Everything posted by ScarfOfSexualPreference

  1. I know you can’t define attraction, but I wish we could. I’m still shaky in my identity as soon as I think someone’s clothes are cool. I wish there was a dictionary definition, but life is messy.
  2. This will be a bit of an emotion dump, so prepare yourself I guess: I definitely am a people pleaser, so almost always I’ll go along with things that I’m not entirely comfortable with just because it will make someone else happy. I dated a guy for a year because I thought I was in love with him. But really I just liked to see him happy, and the thought of turning him down or breaking up with him was awful. So for a year I lied to him and told him I love you and tried to give him advice and help him through his struggles. I ditched all of my friends for his and tried to get along with them even though they annoyed me so much. I would hold his hand in public and cuddle with him on the couch even though that kind of touch just felt so uncomfortable and tense. I’d get stomachaches that I thought were butterflies before we went on a date. After a year, I finally broke up with him over phone and the only emotion I felt was relief. That I was finally free. But because I’d made my life his, suddenly I didn’t have one. It was a long journey building up that life, mending broken friendships, learning to care for myself, finding aromanticism. And I’m SO much happier for it. But I’m still trying to get away from that toxic mindset. There’s one friend that had just gone through a tough breakup with her boyfriend of three years that I started to hang out with more often. She is in constant need of attention, and has a very insistent personality. She recently came out as bisexual, and I’m proud of her for it! But she does this thing where she asks for cuddles or kisses (on the lips) from her female friends. Which would be me. And I’ve kind of set a precedent for doing what she wants, so I’ll do those things. I once tried to play it off and say that I’m taken (jokingly) or that her lips were chapped, but she’ll pout and make me feel guilty like I just ruined her day or made her feel bad. And there’s literally nothing that makes me feel worse than hurting someone’s feelings. So I just kind of… do those things. There are a couple of these people that are just not healthy for me, and I KNOW IT. I just can’t bring myself to make someone else hurt in any way. I don’t want to decline their offers to hang or cut them off or tell them how I feel, because what if they think I’m mean, or feel sad, or want to hurt themselves, or spread rumors about me in retaliation?? What if I make them feel unworthy of friendship? I’m still learning how to advocate for myself and say no, and to remind myself that it’s not my job to make people happy. It’s a nice bonus that I still enjoy, but that’s not the reason I’m a human: I am allowed to live for myself. And I know all this. I know that it’s not my job to fix people or be kind to people who are unkind to me. But when I’m in those situations I can’t deal with the real-life repercussions. It feels selfish to put myself before others. And what if I lose all my friends again or it’s awkward at school or my other friends don’t support me? I suppose I’m not looking for any particular advice because I know what I should do. I just can’t bring myself to do it. So maybe just some words of encouragement, I guess. Sorry for the info dump, but this seems the safest place to put it.
  3. What I’d say is to give it time! It feels confusing and strange now, but you’ve now got so much more to explore!! Keep in touch with your feelings: journal, talk to a trusted friend, post here! Just keep asking yourself questions and give yourself time to ponder the answers. People here are so incredibly kind and helpful, and I hope you find some more understanding in your identity!
  4. Exactly what Autumn said!! Labels help me describe what I feel to other people, but I try not to act in ways to fit the confines of that label. Do what makes you happy, and just try to notice different feelings and emotions you have. I’m only in 12th grade myself, but I’ve found that using the label helps others understand where I’m at!
  5. One thing that really helped my was looking at the You Might Be Aro If (YMBAI) section here or the same section for asexuality on AVEN!
  6. I’m almost never comfortable with PC/PC relationships (that I’m involved in), but I DM sometimes in my DND group, so I often play NPCs that are romantically attracted to PCs (or vice versa). I’m really bad at it, but I’m more comfortable with it since it’s so removed from me.
  7. I think that’s perfect, its better to let them know up front, too!
  8. I remember some of my friends talking about what they wanted to look like and what time of the year, but I never played house as a kid.
  9. I got Bellusromantic, and I think it fits quite well :D
  10. A lot of my friends like to hold my hand and we sleep in the same bed and stuff, but I often find myself really tensed up in those kind of situations. I’m also not a huge fan of PDA, and find myself more uncomfortable when others give hugs or use each other as a pillow in public.
  11. I consider myself queer, but not ‘gay’ (in the broad sense of the term). I usually allow my queer friends to speak on the LGBTQ+ experience, and I don’t say the F slur. While being Aromantic isn’t like default, it’s something that is, luckily, very easily hidden, and while we do deal with some misunderstandings and stuff, I don’t think the AVERAGE aro or ace might experience discrimination based on their Aromantic or sexual identity.
  12. I think most people would jump to: oh, they’re too lazy to care for themselves. If your mom’s just your roommate, that’s awesome!! I think when moms are still doing your laundry and buying your food etc. it can seem like a sign of immaturity.
  13. I really love arcs that involve romance in the podcasts I listen to, and a lot of my players like to be flirty or use innuendo, which I don’t mind. In fact, I enjoy scandalous jokes most of the time. I usually ask what the party is comfy with before giving anyone a romantic interest or anything, but the hardest part for me is roleplaying that. Im fine with the ‘nice gal/guy’ flirting, but I’ve got no clue how to be the sexy kind of flirty. The other thing is probably a problem for allos and aros alike, but when doing inter-PC relationships, I really want to make sure I draw the line between in-game and real life. It may just be my paranoia of people *falling in love* with me, but I’m always really skeptical of that stuff, especially when it’s the resident Creepy Guy in our group. We just need to remove him already…
  14. Yum!!!! My favorite is green tea 😁 Tomatoes?
  15. I think you’re in a super difficult part of questioning, which is the part where it’s like “okay so if I AM aro, what does that mean?” I think it’s really tricky to pin down exactly what all of those situations amount to, so I think you should check out QPRs (queer platonic relationships), but also think about what defines any of this. Whatever you want from someone, make sure you lay it out early, and see if they’re interested. Or find a friend and then see if they want to do closer friend things that may border romantic. Good luck on your journey, and ask all the questions!!
  16. OH MY GOSH why is every single song about love or sex?? Especially in pop, but even in jazz too. I’ve started to really enjoy songs like Devils Train and Fine Print that just tell stories. There’s also a song called Live Alone and Like It by Cyrille Aimee that is opposite of romance, and I LOVE IT! Moses Sumney is an aromantic artist that has some funky music, but it’s kot romance. Also, Ritt Momney is one of my favorites right now and he has a ton of songs that are very personal and not focused on relationships and I really love them. Whenever my friends put on music they’re all breakup songs, and it’s just really tiring. You would have thought society has moved on by now, right??
  17. I just had my first prom a couple days ago, actually. I went with one of my friends as their platonic date with two other couples. Not my favorite, especially since there was some underlying drama. My favorite homecoming, however, was one where we went as a huge group of friends and had dinner, went to the dance for a little bit, then ditched to go get frozen yogurt. I know there's already a whole bunch of advice, but even if dances aren't your thing, I'd suggest that people grab a friend and go for at least a half hour, try to warm up to things, and if it's still not working out, then just go get some late-night ice cream! It'll turn out to be a great night either way. One of my goals for senior year is to go to a dance with a fake date and confuse everyone as much as possible.
  18. That sounds awesome! So you aren't really looking for a long-term romantic relationship. This could also fall somewhere near demi-sexual, so you might relate closer to that label. Also, today was demi-sexual day in the pride month, which is pretty cool. I feel that! Doesn't sound like a whole lotta romantic attraction there. :) Again, it's all up to you, but those were some questions that helped me along. Hopefully you can just understand yourself a little better through this exploration.
  19. Trying to let go of labels is REALLY HARD! I definitely feel that. So far it seems like you don't experience much, if any, romantic attraction. A couple questions you can ask yourself could be: - If I never got married, would I be upset? - Have I ever looked at anyone and wanted to date them, or does it take time to get to know them, or not at all? - Does the idea of a romantic relationship seem appealing? That's just a start, of course, and a really nice place to start would be the 'YMBAI' (You Might Be Aro If) Thread to try to see if you relate to any of the stuff there. In regards to sex, I'm not quite as versed at that, since I'm still trying to figure it out myself. I'm kind of in the same boat as you, where if I do have/want sex, I don't want there to be any strings attached, or rose petals or candles. I don't know if you've checked out AVEN at all, but you should definitely explore over there if you haven't for more aspec stuff. Good luck trying to figure stuff out, and don't say yes to anything you're not sure about! I know the labels thing is really hard, but don't think 'what would an ____ do,' just make decisions for yourself.
  20. Aesthetically, I like the 50s boys with tight blue jeans and they like comb through their hair with a pocket comb, but one little piece falls out of place. Jury's still out whether it's gender envy or not, though. Platonic-Personality-wise, I just want someone who doesn't anger easily.
  21. I definitely agree that it should be represented in the LGBTQ+ community, but should be distinct in that Asexual, Lesbian, etc etc are all sexualities, and that has no ties to Romantic Orientation/Identity. You can be a lesbian aro, a bi aro, an ace aro, but you don't really have a lot of lesbian aces or gay pansexuals, you know? I absolutely believe that someone who is heterosexual, cisgendered, and aromantic should be part of that LGB... community, but aromanticism shouldn't be lumped into the LGB... bubble. It's a queer identity, just as Trans and gender identies are, but it should be distinctualized.
  22. That’s one thing that I don’t think I’ll ever be capable of fully understanding: ‘why don’t you just pick someone else’ or ‘what’s worth all that?’
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