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About El011

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  • Birthday 10/23/1997

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    bisexual and questioning grayromantic
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  1. I think if you've never felt romantic attraction, can't see yourself feeling romantic attraction, but want a relationship or marriage for things like sex or finances then yeah you're probably aromantic.
  2. For me it's not so much what we're doing as why we're doing it. I like kissing as a part of sex but generally not for romantic reasons. I think you can and should do things like get chocolates and flowers for your friends and celebrate Valentine's day together. I think you can go on dates without romance being involved, plenty of people date casually just for fun or because they want sex. But for me it doesn't (usually) come with romantic feelings and it can make me uncomfortable if someone does those things to try to be romantic with me or saw them as romantic, rather than seeing it as a friend thing like I do.
  3. Sometimes I just don't really get why the ace and aro communities are so aligned tbh
  4. Does there need to be a purpose? If it feels personally useful to you, is accurate, and isn't hurting anyone then why should there be? The way that I personally gauge romantic attraction is basically robert sternberg's definition, passionate feelings (limerence) plus liking them as a person and wanting emotional intimacy with them. I think the defining feature of romantic attraction is limerence, and I like this definition since it's founded in science and not a few people's unfounded assumptions of what everyone else is feeling. What I don't like is the assumption that you must feel a certain amount, strength, or frequency of romantic attraction, or you're automatically arospec even if you have no desire to identify that way. Most non-aro people aren't falling madly in love with a new person every week or even every month and don't want to constantly be in a relationship, and the ones that do feel that way should probably get therapy because it sounds like attachment or abandonment issues. I know non-aro people who didn't start dating until college or who prefer to take it slow or who only want to start dating when they meet someone they can see themselves marrying or who choose to prioritize other things over relationships or who didn't get crushes until they were older. I also think that someone could relate almost exactly to a gray-aro or gray-ace and not identify as one, just because we find that identity useful and they don't.
  5. I've taken this test a few times and it has said I'm anywhere from 50-80% arospec and from 40-60% fully aro. Apparently on average people get like 65% arospec and 25% fully aro but I think those numbers are a little skewed because like...most people aren't gonna take an aromantic test unless they're questioning if they're aro, plus the link gets passed around a lot on aro and ace themed sites/blogs/etc.
  6. Both female and other, but atm other. Maybe broaden the options?
  7. The ones I've gotten most often are that I use people for sex and that I hate romance
  8. What is 100% allo? And how are most people expected to feel that way?
  9. How do we know, though? We can't read minds, we don't know how other people feel and can't assume they fit into a certain box just because they don't share our identity. And some things associated with aromanticism are slowly becoming more socially acceptable, like preferring friends with benefits or not wanting to get married or wanting to prioritize other things over romance. Wanting or feeling those things doesn't automatically make you aro. And what about people who don't use the split attraction model? Just like there are non sam aros, there could be someone who fits the definition of aro but doesn't use that label and prefer to just identify as bisexual or gay or straight or asexual with no romantic orientation.
  10. there is no "norm" by which every single person or even most people experience romantic attraction.
  11. i s2g people are like "all aros are valid, we're a community" until a gay, bi, or lesbian aro calls out homophobia and straight privilege in the aro community

  12. The first time I had a crush, I had no idea wtf was going on and it took me about a year to recognize it.
  13. imo it's not good to shut down literally any questioning of anything someone aro or ace does or says as "aphobic" or "exclusionist." People pointing out that we're not perfect and infallible are not oppressive to us, and if we act like they are we just come across as kinda cultlike tbh. shutting out outsiders and painting them as hostile, yk? now, as a questioning arospec who does feel romantic attraction, i think whoever said this definitely has a point. there's no solid boundary for who is or is not arospec, and therefore someone could feel romantic attraction exactly like i do but choose not to identify as aro. and if we say otherwise, we're invalidating them, which is against the rules of this site.
  14. The split attraction model is a very new concept and before it existed bisexuality meant attraction to all genders. It doesn't have to be sexual, you can be a bi (romantic) ace and still identify as bisexual. You can also be gray-ace and bisexual. In the terms I've seen most commonly on this site, I'm gray-biromantic bisexual but I'm also not the biggest fan of the split attraction model so I don't use that label. So even if I were 100% asexual and sex repulsed, I would still be bisexual because I could be romantically attracted to any gender on the rare occasions when I do feel romantic attraction. But if I were fully aromantic on top of that, I wouldn't be bi.
  15. so identity question. does anyone else ever hear love songs and fantasize about singing them to their future spouse and getting kind of teared up? also if this definitely does not sound like an arospec thing let me know, i definitely will not take it as invalidating.

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. El011


      btw when I say I won't take it as invalidating I mean it's ok to say that I might not be aro lol

    3. NotHeartless


      Alright, but I can't tell if you might not be aro or not. I take people for what they tell me. ;)
      Maybe you just need some more time to figure it out or you might fall into a grey area. Only you can know it.

    4. cyancat


      alas, no uwu. but that may just be a very specific thing that i wouldn’t necessarily do because songs are a key part of my inner world? that place that i honestly wouldn’t even share with the closest of people to me, so i think it’s a matter of me not seeing it as a romantic gesture.

      tho, like heartless said, there are aros who at least like the idea/fantasy of romance without necessarily being able to experience it themselves. me. that’s me OTL. so even if you do think about that sort of thing, that doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t aro! sometimes there’s a drastic division between fantasy and reality for people

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