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Apathetic Echidna

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About Apathetic Echidna

  • Rank
    Prickly Ball of Aro

Personal Information

  • Name
    Mesotablar
  • Orientation
    Aromantic Grey-Asexual
  • Gender
    Female
  • Pronouns
    She/Her
  • Location
    The Antipodes

Contact Methods

Recent Profile Visitors

3036 profile views
  1. Welcome @Oatpunk Being a much (much) smaller community things generally seem more caring and relaxed, though we aren't perfect and things can move very slowly. And yeah, this place does seem like it hosts a fairly large number of people who have had bad interactions with AVEN or other ace organisations/people, myself included, I just hope there is enough balance that we don't ever sway into toxic territory.
  2. I think it is great, and I'm so glad you did something constructive with it 'cause all I did was type stuff and giggle
  3. I love early afternoon showers. I grew up through a few droughts, even living in one house that relied solely on rainwater for a time, so I am very water conscious and shower maybe once or twice a week. The shower might be hot or cold, but the luxury is the timing. I just think there is something so nice about the day around 12-3pm that makes 'me time' extra special.
  4. I used to have this feeling too. I think a lot of the 'missing out' comes from seeing the best parts of other people's relationships without seeing the boring or bad bits. So the internal desire for a relationship isn't even a really realistic one. luckily (I guess?) my messy internalised toxicity and amatonormativity had certain windows of importance in it's own messed up framework, so once I missed the 'teen romance' stage it was fairly easy to drop the whole idea of a romantic relationship and not be worried. That is just what I went through, so depending on what has influenced you you will probably have a very different experience. That probably wasn't that helpful (sorry). Basically I actively choose to identify and blame pervasive amatonormativity for many things that I see as failings or brokenness within myself. For example I read someone's experience of discovering agender because they thought romantic love was part and parcel of being a 'woman' (forgive me, I can't find the article), while I still identify as a woman because I feel that romantic love is a amatonormative filter put onto femaleness.
  5. This is very common! Many people struggle with identifying on the aromantic spectrum. There is a whole label (Cupioromantic) that allows that sidestep of being open to possible romantic future while acknowledging that no attraction has happened (so far). It is a big messy bunch of internal, internalised, and external influences, ideals, and life goals that make it all so complicated. I agree with @aro-fae that greyaromantic is more of a general catch-all term for a vast variety of experiences than the definition you give it. Simply because you don't wish to use Aro is a good enough reason not to use it. Labels are all about identifying with something. If you read about more greyromantic, or even just grey-a experiences, you might feel more comfortable with it, or you may stumble upon a microlabel that you fall in love with (like I did.....and then mostly decide not to use it, like I did!)
    1. Magni

      Magni

      oh yeah, thanks for the reminder.....time is especially fake these days and months keep going by too quickly.

    2. Apathetic Echidna

      Apathetic Echidna

      I know that feeling of flying time. This month has been especially hard and fast for me! At least the Aurea cut off is the 6th of July, so there is a tiny bit more time

  6. I had a friend who was in a very similar situation. She really wanted to have a romantic relationship, it is a life goal for her. She became very active on dating sites for experience. For her it was simply a case of not having much experience in the beginning as she has since found love, even if the relationships didn't last. When you don't have obvious clues (like romance repulsions) working things out can be very hard. Experience is helpful just because it gives you more data to work with. There is nothing wrong with using a label that fits your experience now and then changing to something that fits better when you learn more about yourself and how you experience things. You can choose to use a specific label or a more general one (greyromantic, aspec) depending on what you feel more comfortable using.
  7. There is a term that was coined for those people who lose certain attractions because of trauma. When I learned of the term a few years ago there were at least several people identifying as Caedsexual, I'm unsure how many people might use the label Caedromantic though. I saw some backlash/gatekeeping by a few people about the term, but personally I understand wanting to distance from other labels that might make untrue assumptions about my past. For the people who want to acknowledge an influential trauma I'm glad there is a term, but that doesn't mean everyone with influential trauma has to use it. That being said, it is fairly well acknowledged that some people naturally have shifts in their experiences which would change which labels they best identify with, especially as there are so many MOGAI/microlabels. To me this sounds similar to the experiences Quoiromantics describe, and then there is the associated microlabel Nebularomantic (which I don't think I have ever seen in use, but then I haven't specifically looked). It all really just depends on which labels you feel you identify with. of course all of that is about going specific, which you don't have to do. Being a general term and mostly self defined you can always use Aspec as a label or stick with Aromantic if that is what you feel is the best.
  8. I shall try to help by asking some questions, but please there is no need to answer me, they are just questions to help you think about things from maybe another perspective. if we remove the word romantic from this sentence just to make it more general to understand: it implies you had some sort of extra attraction to your friend before you started dating, is that true? if we leave the word romantic in the sentence: so you still wish to be or are still friends? what made you friends has (not) changed because you dated/broke up? an attraction that waxes and wanes, especially in relation to how a relationship progresses, sounds like litromantic, but if it isn't distinct or identifiable it could be something similar to what quoiromantics or aroflux talk about experiencing as you were generally in a group interaction, did you feel the relationship was defined or at least labelled by your social group rather than you and your partner? (so basically did you feel other people were putting you in a box of expectations?) These sorts of things can sour any sort of relationship if you are sensitive to it. This is not an aro-spec specific thing, 'living up to expectations' or acting within a predefined set of actions is rejected by many people because it can be very stressful. Another big thing (at least for me) that can sour a relationship. You say you started fake saying it fairly early in the relationship because you saw it as an expectation, well could this and other things just have built up and strained the bond you had with your partner? Could your attraction to spend time with that person have slowly been strangled out by the mounting pile of things you didn't like? If it is something like that, well it would indicate a level of aversion or repulsion to certain romantically coded actions or expectations. Orientations are different to repulsions/aversions, sometimes they help people find orientation labels (like in my case) other times they just complicate things because plant themselves like landmines in a field of attractions. Final note: Crushes are generally identified by the experience of limerence, a specific form of love/attraction, and not everyone experiences that anyway regardless of attraction and romantic orientation. Though having no crushes over an extended period of time is generally a fairly good indicator of being aro-spec. Marriage is a false clue, because marriage has much more to do with specific cultural and social expectations (matrimania, singlism and amatonormativity are problems for all sorts of people, not just aro-specs).
  9. The main, and possibly only person, you need to talk to is your boyfriend because they are your partner in the relationship. So don't worry about you parents for the moment. Maybe also commit to checking back here in a week because forum replies can be slow and you shouldn't only listen to my rambling. From what you have said about treating your boyfriend and your brother the same, well it just sounds like you like being close to them and you trust them both. There is nothing bad in that. Though you should talk to your boyfriend about how you do care for him, but you're not sure about what sort of connection you have. If you feel comfortable maybe even say you are questioning your romantic orientation. Questioning can be a tricky and/or long process so no one should be demanding final answers immediately, and that includes you. Be honest about how you feel and keep evaluating how you feel about different situations and you will eventually get more information to work with. Ultimately there is a whole spectrum of labels that represent different experiences people have had and decided they were different enough to need a new label, but only you are the expert of your own experiences. There are many ways to love and many attachment styles, so even romantic love is not one thing. It is possible to love without limerence (that is the phase of romantic love that most romantic movies/tv shows advertise as the true/madly/best representation of love, but which is also a stage of love that generally only lasts a few years)
  10. I don't know if I can be much help but whether or not is a crush might just have to wait until you have more experiences and know more. The physical boundaries stuff should navigate some of that uncertainty, especially if you already know what you personally think of as romantic actions/intentions. Maybe try writing it down, like a list or mind map, to decide where different actions and intentions sit on your understanding of what is friends, what is qpr partners, and what is romantic. Though it might be anxiety, really times have become so unstable and dangerous that I'd be surprised if people's base level of anxiety hadn't risen a few notches at least! Anyway, maybe see what blogs or something you can find that detail experiences about aro-spec peeps in qprs. Knowing how others can navigate being aromantic in a relationship might be of help? (sorry I don't have time to hunt stuff down to give you links right now)
  11. lol. I must just fail at searches. In my defence it has been a long time since I have tried doing a literary review. However I do think there is a place for a martrimania mention on the aro wiki page
  12. YMBAI you cry in "Titanic" when the ship is sinking because you love the nostalgic aura of the ship itself (dare I say the classical romance of the idea of a ship being the mode of transport between places rather than being a casino on the waves?) and human ingenuity and tenaciousness to make a ship that large BY HAND because the Titanic and ships like it are a fundamental acknowledgement of the ability of humans to come together to create something no individual could produce. And that music. That music! Be still my Balto loving heart at 6:15 of 'The Death of the Titanic' track. Then you don't cry when *spoiler* that character dies. But you might just sob a little at the finale because really, if she didn't want the necklace I sure would love to have it.
  13. That is why I tend to watch things with obvious or overt fantasy themes. I just accept the love story as part of the fantasy world full of witches/vampires/werewolves/holographic AI robots. The happy and wholesome relationship with The OneTM is as much a construct as ghosts coming back from the dead. If you have romance repulsions the reality of a relationship can be scarier than the worst horror movie.
  14. I'm wondering about the availability of acceptable sources for amatonormativity, I know we talk about it a lot but I'm having issues finding non-blog sources of info. I am wondering if we can add information about Matrimania (so remove the Amatonormativity subheading in the Difficulties section and just leave it as 'Difficulties') as references for that might bulk up the 'Difficulties' section. We mention Singlism, and it seems Matrimania is generally used in relation to that rather than Amatonormativity.
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