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El011

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Everything posted by El011

  1. For me it's not so much what we're doing as why we're doing it. I like kissing as a part of sex but generally not for romantic reasons. I think you can and should do things like get chocolates and flowers for your friends and celebrate Valentine's day together. I think you can go on dates without romance being involved, plenty of people date casually just for fun or because they want sex. But for me it doesn't (usually) come with romantic feelings and it can make me uncomfortable if someone does those things to try to be romantic with me or saw them as romantic, rather than seeing it as a friend thing like I do.
  2. Sometimes I just don't really get why the ace and aro communities are so aligned tbh
  3. Does there need to be a purpose? If it feels personally useful to you, is accurate, and isn't hurting anyone then why should there be? The way that I personally gauge romantic attraction is basically robert sternberg's definition, passionate feelings (limerence) plus liking them as a person and wanting emotional intimacy with them. I think the defining feature of romantic attraction is limerence, and I like this definition since it's founded in science and not a few people's unfounded assumptions of what everyone else is feeling. What I don't like is the assumption that you must feel a certain amount, strength, or frequency of romantic attraction, or you're automatically arospec even if you have no desire to identify that way. Most non-aro people aren't falling madly in love with a new person every week or even every month and don't want to constantly be in a relationship, and the ones that do feel that way should probably get therapy because it sounds like attachment or abandonment issues. I know non-aro people who didn't start dating until college or who prefer to take it slow or who only want to start dating when they meet someone they can see themselves marrying or who choose to prioritize other things over relationships or who didn't get crushes until they were older. I also think that someone could relate almost exactly to a gray-aro or gray-ace and not identify as one, just because we find that identity useful and they don't.
  4. I've taken this test a few times and it has said I'm anywhere from 50-80% arospec and from 40-60% fully aro. Apparently on average people get like 65% arospec and 25% fully aro but I think those numbers are a little skewed because like...most people aren't gonna take an aromantic test unless they're questioning if they're aro, plus the link gets passed around a lot on aro and ace themed sites/blogs/etc.
  5. Both female and other, but atm other. Maybe broaden the options?
  6. The ones I've gotten most often are that I use people for sex and that I hate romance
  7. What is 100% allo? And how are most people expected to feel that way?
  8. How do we know, though? We can't read minds, we don't know how other people feel and can't assume they fit into a certain box just because they don't share our identity. And some things associated with aromanticism are slowly becoming more socially acceptable, like preferring friends with benefits or not wanting to get married or wanting to prioritize other things over romance. Wanting or feeling those things doesn't automatically make you aro. And what about people who don't use the split attraction model? Just like there are non sam aros, there could be someone who fits the definition of aro but doesn't use that label and prefer to just identify as bisexual or gay or straight or asexual with no romantic orientation.
  9. there is no "norm" by which every single person or even most people experience romantic attraction.
  10. i s2g people are like "all aros are valid, we're a community" until a gay, bi, or lesbian aro calls out homophobia and straight privilege in the aro community

  11. The first time I had a crush, I had no idea wtf was going on and it took me about a year to recognize it.
  12. imo it's not good to shut down literally any questioning of anything someone aro or ace does or says as "aphobic" or "exclusionist." People pointing out that we're not perfect and infallible are not oppressive to us, and if we act like they are we just come across as kinda cultlike tbh. shutting out outsiders and painting them as hostile, yk? now, as a questioning arospec who does feel romantic attraction, i think whoever said this definitely has a point. there's no solid boundary for who is or is not arospec, and therefore someone could feel romantic attraction exactly like i do but choose not to identify as aro. and if we say otherwise, we're invalidating them, which is against the rules of this site.
  13. The split attraction model is a very new concept and before it existed bisexuality meant attraction to all genders. It doesn't have to be sexual, you can be a bi (romantic) ace and still identify as bisexual. You can also be gray-ace and bisexual. In the terms I've seen most commonly on this site, I'm gray-biromantic bisexual but I'm also not the biggest fan of the split attraction model so I don't use that label. So even if I were 100% asexual and sex repulsed, I would still be bisexual because I could be romantically attracted to any gender on the rare occasions when I do feel romantic attraction. But if I were fully aromantic on top of that, I wouldn't be bisexual.
  14. so identity question. does anyone else ever hear love songs and fantasize about singing them to their future spouse and getting kind of teared up? also if this definitely does not sound like an arospec thing let me know, i definitely will not take it as invalidating.

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. El011

      El011

      btw when I say I won't take it as invalidating I mean it's ok to say that I might not be aro lol

    3. NotHeartless

      NotHeartless

      Alright, but I can't tell if you might not be aro or not. I take people for what they tell me. ;)
      Maybe you just need some more time to figure it out or you might fall into a grey area. Only you can know it.

    4. cyancat

      cyancat

      alas, no uwu. but that may just be a very specific thing that i wouldn’t necessarily do because songs are a key part of my inner world? that place that i honestly wouldn’t even share with the closest of people to me, so i think it’s a matter of me not seeing it as a romantic gesture.

      tho, like heartless said, there are aros who at least like the idea/fantasy of romance without necessarily being able to experience it themselves. me. that’s me OTL. so even if you do think about that sort of thing, that doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t aro! sometimes there’s a drastic division between fantasy and reality for people

  15. I've heard that if a male octopus tries to mate with a hungry female octopus when she's not in the mood, she'll strangle him, take his corpse to her den, and eat it, and that's the level of bad bitch I aspire to. Plus I think people assume sea animals are unintelligent or unevolved, just like they assume about "promiscuous" women, but cephalopods are actually really smart. So I vote the octopus or maybe cephalopods in general as a mascot for woman aligned aros and maybe also woman aligned aces.
  16. Why do some people find it validating and positive to be told they're way more hated and oppressed than they actually are? 🤔

  17. Yeah...I'm just not going to deal with that mess of an essay above me but if anyone else wants to take a stab at it that's cool.
  18. Not a movie but I just remembered this Christian romance novel that everyone here would absolutely hate. It's called Kiss An Angel or something and it's just full of offensive stereotypes about how it's a woman's job to be a free therapist for toxic men, how romance will cure any kind of trauma even if you've literally never had any proper treatment, and how you need to be fixed if you don't like romance because that only ever means you're broken somehow. As a greyro, an abuse survivor, a social worker, and a feminist, this book makes me want to go find the author and yell at her Gordon Ramsey style until she realizes how fucked up and terrible her writing is. The main characters are named Daisy and Alex and they've been pushed into a marriage arranged by Daisy's dad Max. Daisy agreed to it because Max promised to pay off her debts, and Alex agreed because he feels like he owes Max a favor. Daisy is very sweet and intelligent and seems like a generally nice enough person. She's very tenderhearted and flighty and apparently made some incredibly bad decisions like becoming a shopaholic as a coping mechanism after her mom died and racked up enough debt that she's at risk of going to prison, so now she has to marry Alex and live with him at the traveling circus where he works. Now Alex is never actually called aro but he is basically every stereotype of an aro cishet man. Promiscuous, callous, coldhearted, cynical, uncaring, terrible communication skills. He was abused as a kid and is convinced he can never feel love for anything or anyone because of that, but he begins to love and respect Daisy as a friend and improve as a person, plus the two of them have some fantastic sex which is fun to read. Then they find out she's pregnant because Daisy's stepmother sabotaged her birth control and it turns out that both of them are descended from prominent families with ties to the Russian monarchy. Max tells Alex and Daisy he arranged the marriage because he's an emotionally abusive misogynist obsessed with Russian history and expects his daughter to be an incubator just so he can have a kid descended from both bloodlines. Because of Alex's past he's convinced he's going to be a terrible dad and tells Daisy to get an abortion, which is totally an asshole move (she's pro-life, which would be fine because it's her body her choice, but the whole abortion dilemma is framed like abortion is the worst thing anyone could ever possibly do and is obviously meant to guilt trip the reader into also being pro-life) and she runs away in response. Then he has a huge guilt trip and realizes that Daisy totally cured him with her magical Christian vagina and now he's in love with her, so he goes off to find her and bring her home and they all live happily and romantically ever after.
  19. It would also be denying the person's alignment with womanhood to call yourself bi just based on that, esp if the nb person is transfeminine. It's not inherently invalidating a person's nonbinary gender to be gay or straight while still being attracted to them.
  20. El011

    Being normal

    It depends on what it is I'm doing that is abnormal and whether it's objectively inappropriate for the current environment I'm in.
  21. If you're not full aromantic asexual, what's your usual preference when it comes to people you think are sexually or romantically (for greyros or non-aro allies) attractive? I haven't been romantically attracted to enough people to form a consistent pattern of what i think is romantically attractive yet but commonalities among past romantic crushes are: good sense of humor kind, patient, and compassionate book smart compatible values and morals to mine good with kids and animals (i don't actually want kids, i just think it's sweet when other people are good with them) My type sexually is: men with buff (not like, hulked out but def with muscle definition), tattooed arms and long hair. bonus points if they're wearing long sleeved button down shirts with the sleeves rolled up. petite, curvy women with thick, curly or wavy brown hair androgynous and gender nonconforming people esp long haired, buff, masculine women I'm also generally turned off by people who have a lot of facial hair, a little bit like maybe stubble is fine but if there's a lot of facial hair esp if it's not EXTREMELY well groomed, it's just a complete turn off. So what about everyone else? What kind of people are you normally attracted to?
  22. It depends. I don't think it's constructive to be like "what the fuck is wrong with you, you knew i was aro" when someone starts to feel romantically for you and expresses that, like i've been on the other end of that as a greyro and i know how much it hurts to have unreciprocated romantic feelings for someone. and like, you're not responsible for their feelings but as a fellow human being you do have a duty to be kind. you don't have to roll over and be their lapdog when they disrespect your boundaries e.g. trying to kiss you when they know you're not interested, but instead just gently be like "hey, i know it must hurt to have these feelings growing for someone who can't really return them and i'll try to be there for you as a friend if you need that or give you space if you need that, but nothing romantic is going to happen between us." kind, but firm. however, if someone does know i'm arospec and respects that i'm probably not going to be interested, then i'm okay cuddling and hugging when they're romantically interested in me as long as they don't try to push it.
  23. there's this aro guy on youtube who talks about his experiences being aro but not ace (he's straight) and has talked about straight privilege in the aro community and used his privilege to advocate for others and talks about aro experiences and i have the biggest sexual crush on him omfg 😜

    1. aro_elise

      aro_elise

      who is it?

    2. El011

      El011

      His name's Nik Hampshire. He's out of my age range for who I'd actually be willing to fuck but he's really toned and I have a thing for tattooed men with long hair.

    3. aro_elise

      aro_elise

      ahhh i watch his videos, they're great!  i'm not attracted to him but he's super cool, i'd be friends with him.

  24. I don't think romance is more or less true than nonromantic love but the feeling of social isolation as an aro is such a mood.
  25. i think it makes more sense for everyone if aros and aces form a community separate from the lgbt community, but it annoys me so much how people who share that opinion feel the need to be assholes and assume negative, untrue things about us - esp aros who like sex/aren't ace - because they don't want to engage us in good faith and actually learn something. like since when do you HAVE to be in a romantic relationship with your sexual partner to treat them with respect and dignity and care about them as a person? if they said that about someone non-aro it would immediately be recognized as slut shaming, because obviously not all sex (fwb, hookups, orgies, swinger's parties, sex clubs, one night stands, hiring a sex worker) comes with an expectation of romantic commitment and as long as you are open about it and as long as everyone's clear on that it's totally fine. but apparently it's just SO much worse somehow if you don't feel romantic attraction. even though, imo, if you ARE openly aro and prefer noncommitted sex, it's actually morally better because you're being more open about your boundaries, needs, and desires and making sure everyone involved feels respected and cared for whereas non-aros who have noncommitted sex aren't communicating their needs on that same level.

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