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Everything posted by El011

  1. Fraysexual, but you could also just need therapy if it's causing distress (you used the word disgusted).
  2. Gender, sexuality, and disability are different things. But how can you be oppressed for the exact same thing you're privileged for? Even in the case of cis women or non-cis men, one axis of privilege and oppression is trans status and the other is alignment under patriarchy so it's not the same thing. As a gray aro, I am stigmatized for my ability to romantically love people of my same gender as well as for how rarely I experience romantic attraction. I'm also targeted for my sexual attraction, which I'm not privileged for. You're invalidating my experiences, posting bigoted propaganda, and being homophobic. But only two of those things, my romantic and sexual attraction not my gray romanticism, will ever lead people on their own to fire me from a job, deny me housing, assume that I'm an abusive parent, assume that I'm a sexual predator, physically beat me, rape me, stalk me, or try to coerce me into conversion therapy. And when I AM stigmatized for being aro, it's almost always because of misogyny and homophobia. Straight cis aro men aren't targeted by vitriol against casual sex and not wanting a relationship to anywhere near the same degree I, a gray aro socially perceived as a bi woman, am. If misogyny and homophobia didn't exist, neither would arophobia, but obviously not all aros are oppressed under misogyny or homophobia. I'm not being targeted for being aro and you're abusing mod power and invalidating me by saying I am or that I have privilege over you for being bi. Gay people don't have privilege regarding acephobia or arophobia. They are oppressed for experiencing attraction, they aren't a ruling class when it comes to sexuality, and what you're saying is homophobic. You're breaking the rules of the forum. How does a group that has been targeted systematically with state sanctioned genocide have privilege? Being called cis is not a problem because no one is oppressed for being cis. They can be oppressed for being a woman but that's, again, about alignment under patriarchy not about trans status. This is such a huge false equivalence.
  3. Can't it also be argued that saying this is a homophobic talking point used to silence gay and bi people who have a problem with the word? Being stigmatized isn't the same thing as being oppressed and this isn't contradictory at all. In order for one group to be oppressed, there has to be a ruling class that can and does benefit from that oppression and in the case of aphobia, there's not. Gay and bi people are not a ruling class in terms of sexuality. I'm sensing some cognitive dissonance here. You say that having privilege doesn't mean you're not also stigmatized but don't seem to apply this to aros. Don't cis het aros and cis aroaces have privilege related to sexuality by virtue of not experiencing homophobia?
  4. I'm not gray ace but I assume gray aro experiences would translate pretty well into gray ace ones so maybe this will help. Just take my answers and replace aro with ace. It varies a lot. We're probably less likely to be repulsed than full aro people because we still feel romantic attraction, and I don't talk to a ton of other gray aros so I wouldn't know their thoughts on it. But personally I don't really use the repulsed/favorable/indifferent terminology because I don't feel like it works very well with my experiences. Sometimes I'm romance favorable, sometimes I'm indifferent, sometimes I'm repulsed. It's gonna be different for everyone but for me it does. Not necessarily consistently with my romantic attraction, like I haven't had a crush in a few years but i still get random days when i think a romantic relationship sounds amazing even though there's no one I'd actually want to do it with right now or in the immediate future. I've gotta be honest, I think some people just make very overblown assumptions of how non aros/aces experience attraction. Like I've seen "allosexual" defined as "you regularly feel strong sexual attraction to people you don't know" and that's ridiculous, nobody just wants to bone five strangers a day unless there's a health issue going on. Nobody feels attraction 24/7 the exact same every day esp considering there are so many different factors that can affect one's attraction. Sometimes, even for people who are fully alloromantic allosexual, there are days when they're just not particularly feeling attraction and that's totally normal. And this description...just sounds like a typical allosexual person to me.
  5. So 3/4 grades are now uploaded.

  6. Nonbinary people don't have to be totally neutral and plenty of us lean more to one side of the binary. We also all present differently and use different pronouns so there are many different nonbinary experiences. You can absolutely identify as nonbinary if you want but you don't have to. I've even seen people identifying as both nonbinary and cis.
  7. That's still attraction to all genders. You can still id as bisexual. If not that does queer work? Or sapphic if you're woman aligned?
  8. I like romantically coded things! I don't see any reason why things like chocolates and flowers and candlelit dinners have to always be romantic, but I can understand why some people consider them that way. I also date nonromantically.
  9. My fellow grays (sexual or romantic), why do you identify the way you do? I'm gray-aro and a non-ace bisexual. I identify as gray aro because, so far, I have only experienced romantic attraction to two people that I'm aware of. If you go back to the beginning of the adolescent stage, so around 10, that means I only get crushes about once every six years. I dated and had sex with a few people casually from 20-21 years old, which was fun, but before that I preferred to prioritize other things. I got in my first romantic relationship when I was almost 22. I do like dating and doing romantically coded things. But I don't normally like the idea of being in a romantic relationship and am generally indifferent to romance on a personal level and when I was actually in a romantic relationship the romantic aspect of it stressed me out at times. I also have a hard time figuring out when I am feeling romantic attraction. I do like the idea of romance, though, and I feel like I have the potential to be in a romantic relationship and enjoy it. What about other grays? Why do you identify as gray-ace? Why do you identify as gray-aro?
  10. What's your opinion on the term allo? Why do you feel that way? I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand I don't like it because it's so frequently used in homophobic or otherwise oppressive and immoral ways to say that non-aro or non-ace people are inherently privileged and that allosexism and allonormativity are real things, to make invasive assumptions about other people's attraction, and to group gay and bi people with straight people on the basis of sexuality. It's also forcibly applied to people who aren't comfortable with it. On the other, I feel like it wouldn't be a bad term if it were used: -to encompass gray-ace and gray-aro people while also acknowledging our place in the aro and ace communities. -as a neutral descriptor that doesn't denote privilege, that acknowledges the stigma and oppression even many straight people experience related to their attraction and sexual/romantic lives (ie reproductive rights for women, criminalization of sex work, eugenics, nonconsensual surgeries on intersex people, trans people experiencing violence for having sex, racist stereotypes about people of color's sexuality, etc.) -in a way that doesn't imply wlw/mlm attraction is privileged and acknowledges the privilege that comes with not being attracted to one's same and similar genders. -in a way that doesn't push an "us vs. them" mentality that I see often in the ace and aro communities -in a way that doesn't pretend asexuality or aromanticism are oppressed identities (stigmatized yes, oppressed no) -in a way that doesn't pretend asexuality and aromanticism are part of the lgbt community -in a way that doesn't shame or alienate people for having sex or romantic feelings
  11. If you are gray-aro and/or gray-ace how do you identify?
  12. Being bisexual and also greyro is the most frustrating thing ever because with non-lgbt aro people it's like if you call out anyone's homophobia you get verbally berated and treated like you just committed a fucking hate crime and everyone's like "we're all one big happy aro family" but there's literally no space for you to talk about your own experiences without someone getting upset or saying it's gross if you kiss a woman in public 

    but also if you talk about being aro/greyro in the lgbt community you get SO fucking many unsolicited comments on how it's probably a mental health issue or how you're using people for sex even from people who don't fucking know ANYTHING about you

  13. So how do I change my profile pic?

    1. 2 Spirit Cherokee Princess

      2 Spirit Cherokee Princess

      Click on the big "E" on the upper left.  Note that in spite of the Accepted file types listed, png & gif are the only types that work on this site. 

      You can also change the background by clicking on Cover Photo on the upper right.  While it looks like only the top is visible, the whole image appears when you click on it.  (Feel free to try that on my page.)

  14. I have a date tomorrow and we're getting coffee at Starbucks. I like casual dating with sexual partners but it can get stressful af for me when the romance kicks in for them bc I don't feel anything, so I'm very upfront about the fact that I generally don't want anything romantic. I like doing romantic things but not for romantic reasons.
  15. I want to revive this thread. I'm androgynous or fluid in my gender expression, i think of myself as both masculine and feminine, and I think my bisexuality and some other experiences of mine influence that very heavily but not really my aromanticism. My gender is fluid, I think female aligned genderfluid ambonec is probably most accurate. I might feel a little more inclined to look stereotypically gay and gnc since I have so little romantic interest in men and when I am interested in men I generally prefer gnc bi men. I think if I were cis and more interested in men that might change though.
  16. I think if you've never felt romantic attraction, can't see yourself feeling romantic attraction, but want a relationship or marriage for things like sex or finances then yeah you're probably aromantic.
  17. For me it's not so much what we're doing as why we're doing it. I like kissing as a part of sex but generally not for romantic reasons. I think you can and should do things like get chocolates and flowers for your friends and celebrate Valentine's day together. I think you can go on dates without romance being involved, plenty of people date casually just for fun or because they want sex. But for me it doesn't (usually) come with romantic feelings and it can make me uncomfortable if someone does those things to try to be romantic with me or saw them as romantic, rather than seeing it as a friend thing like I do.
  18. Sometimes I just don't really get why the ace and aro communities are so aligned tbh
  19. Does there need to be a purpose? If it feels personally useful to you, is accurate, and isn't hurting anyone then why should there be? The way that I personally gauge romantic attraction is basically robert sternberg's definition, passionate feelings (limerence) plus liking them as a person and wanting emotional intimacy with them. I think the defining feature of romantic attraction is limerence, and I like this definition since it's founded in science and not a few people's unfounded assumptions of what everyone else is feeling. What I don't like is the assumption that you must feel a certain amount, strength, or frequency of romantic attraction, or you're automatically arospec even if you have no desire to identify that way. Most non-aro people aren't falling madly in love with a new person every week or even every month and don't want to constantly be in a relationship, and the ones that do feel that way should probably get therapy because it sounds like attachment or abandonment issues. I know non-aro people who didn't start dating until college or who prefer to take it slow or who only want to start dating when they meet someone they can see themselves marrying or who choose to prioritize other things over relationships or who didn't get crushes until they were older. I also think that someone could relate almost exactly to a gray-aro or gray-ace and not identify as one, just because we find that identity useful and they don't.
  20. I've taken this test a few times and it has said I'm anywhere from 40-80% aromantic, it's usually about 50% fully aro, give or take up to 20%, and about 10-30% demiromantic and sometimes like 10% aroace and the rest is romantic asexual or non-acomm. I identify as gray-aromantic bisexual and I answer the questions based on my thoughts and desires that particular day and what I can picture myself doing. Apparently on average people get like 65% arospec and 25% fully aromantic but I think those numbers are a little skewed because like...most people aren't gonna take an aromantic test unless they're questioning if they're aro, plus the link gets passed around a lot on aro and ace themed sites/blogs/etc.
  21. Both female and other, but atm other. Maybe broaden the options?
  22. The ones I've gotten most often are that I use people for sex and that I hate romance
  23. What is 100% allo? And how are most people expected to feel that way?
  24. How do we know, though? We can't read minds, we don't know how other people feel and can't assume they fit into a certain box just because they don't share our identity. And some things associated with aromanticism are slowly becoming more socially acceptable, like preferring friends with benefits or not wanting to get married or wanting to prioritize other things over romance. Wanting or feeling those things doesn't automatically make you aro. And what about people who don't use the split attraction model? Just like there are non sam aros, there could be someone who fits the definition of aro but doesn't use that label and prefer to just identify as bisexual or gay or straight or asexual with no romantic orientation.
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