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Everything posted by nonmerci

  1. I understand where you're coming from but I don't think it's a good idea. First it would be used by exclusionist to say that people are not queer enough. Also, I think it would lead to very complicated questions, to know who is more queer than the other. Like, I saw people say that aro heterosexual are more priviledged (or even not queer at all) because of heteronormativity. But I consider myself more priviledged than an aro hetero because I think that I have it easier than people who has a split attraction. I'm pretty sure some people would argue that with me and really, I don't want to see that kind of debate... Also where would fit people who don't label their sexual or romantic orientation? So no, sorry but I think it would create problems instead of solving them. EDIT : in fact the main reason I think why it can't be seen as a scale, is because there are so many variables. The spectrum works for a-spec people because it is about one thing, and because we don't use it as a scale (no one wil wonder who is more aro between an demiro or a lithro, or I'm thinkful that I never encounter this debate). But with qeerness, there is sexuality, romanticism, gender... a lot of factors here, with an infinity of combinaisons, with all specific problems. A scale is too simple to embrace such a diversity.
  2. nonmerci

    Can't relate

    I'm like that too. Though a lot of aros are romance repulsed, some aros are not. My friends didn't talk a lot about crushes. Except some game we play as teen, I was asked only once who my crush once. My friends didn't talk about crushes and didn't date. It changes now that I'm older but most people I know now are already in couple so we don't talk about attraction. Also even if discovering my aro identity changed it a bit, I don't mind romance in fiction, if it's not amatonormative. I can ship people too even if I'm not crazy about it. I even write romance in my fiction. I like that. I didn't realize I was different from people around me too. That's more linked to my ace side but it could have been the same with aro : I was very surprised to discover that people actually feel sexual attraction frequently. I thought I was in the norm. Though I didn't think about it for romantic attraction because we talk less about it (or at least on these terms), it never occurs to me that I was not in the norm. That's why I discover my identity when I discovered the words I think. Because before I didn't realize most of people were different. There is a lot of was to experience aromanticism. What unites us is the lack of attraction (in multiple forme for the grey area), but then, our relationship to this lack and the consequences differ for everyone. So don't doubt your identity because you can't relate to everything you heard.
  3. I don't think so. We don't chose who attracts us or not. So not being attracted to women is not mysogyny, that's just how attraction works for you. Now, I can't really help you to know what sexual attraction is. But if the perspective of a sex-indifferent asexual can help you to determine if you are an asexual who isn't sex-repulsed or an allosexual, I can say this. In theory, I am not repulsed by the idea of having sex. In theory, I woulld be open to tru someday. However, I am not like @Jot-Aro Kujo : I don't look at someone and think I want to have sex with that person. It never happens to me. For me, it's just a general idea, you see? An experience I would do for curiosity if I have enough trust in someone, to know what sex is like. But that's not provoked by someone in particular. I'm not even sure that I would want it if some day I have the possibility to try. Like, I don't know, parachuting or climbing a mountain. Sounds like a fun thing to try, but maybe when the situation comes to me, I won't find the idea fun anymore. That's why I consider myself asexual, but not repulsed by sec. Hope this helps.
  4. I remember that when I discover that Ô am aro, my relationship to romance on fiction changed a bit. I still don't mind or appreciate it, but when it's bad written I become more repulsed, or when a character who has never got an interest before gets one I become annoyed. I think it goes with my understandment of amatonormativity : I'm more aware of it and it changed how I view romance.
  5. Don't the teacher ended up falling for the mother of one of the boys? I don't remember the romance part (it was very minor and barely there I think), but I kinda remind the boy being upset with the relationship. Oh, I should just watch that masterpiece again to be sure.
  6. I don't have that feel neither. If we realy I feel alone I still have my brother.
  7. I think the problem is : a lot of aces want to point out that asexual doesn't mean aromantic, but they don't necessary realize that aromantic doesn't mean asexual. There is a flawed in that logic and it leads to them not realizing that you can be aromantic but not asexual.
  8. I saw allo people feel bother by that too. I guess the idea that some of them did is consistent, in particular as they loved difficult things together. But both Harry/Ginny and Ron/Hermione, in particular Harry/Ginny with their relationship who was never built properly? Come on. Also I saw people in real life who married their teenage love. Sometimes it works well and sometimes... not at all.
  9. Younger child, only an older brother. I said no for LGBT family members because as far as I know no one is (and I have a big family, my mother have 6 brothers and sisters). However my brother (who is 30) never dated anyone. He apparantly thinks it doesn't worth it but... who knows.
  10. Interesting question. It kinda echoes to something I was thinking about yesterday (I was thinking how not practical are the words platonic and queerplatonic because they are very close but talk about different things, which create confusion, and I see it here as you talk about both of these terms). Personally, I don't really care about etymology. Words evolve and what matters is how they are used now. If we use it to mean not romantic instead of not sexual, that's the meaning now. And to be honest, even I discovers aromanticism and asexuality, I used it to mean "sexual but not romantic" and was very confused when I learned it means the contrary. That being said, I understand why people are disturbed by that. In particular aro allos. Some people can use the etymology to dismiss the right to use the term for sexual QPR, o sexual friendship. Or people can be not at ease to use these words due to their history. But if we get rid of the word platonic, what word can replace it? In French, we used English words to talk about friends with benefits, but... not these ones. We say "sex friends". And I was very confused to learn "sex friends" is not the Engish terms. French people must be more direct in their language and say things clearly instead of periphrases I suppose. 😅
  11. For what you say it is possible that you are on the aro spectrum, and only have squishes for men. But I can't say it for you. You say that your fictional crushes are romantic for sure. Maybe you can think about what differ from your irl crushes/ssquishes. It can help you to see if what you feel for real people are romantic or platonic.
  12. Ant Man. The don't even try to built their relationship. Harry and Ginny in Harry Potter. In the books, Harry never see her in the romance zone but all of a sudden, when stops to be interested in him and dates someone else, he became jalousie and "realizes" he lives her back. That's super unhealthy and badly written. But at least there is some development, compared to the movie where he just starts to love her at the begining of the 6th without any explanation. That was so unecessary. Also, just the idea that they all stayed with the person they dated as teenagers.
  13. For some reason, the more I heard about AVEN, the more I am disgusted... That's a shame it is the more visible asexual website.
  14. Internet can be very violent on these subjects because people are anonymous and we don't know them. Hopefully, if you tell people you care about irl, they will express it differently. That being said, it doesn't mean people you know won't be arophobic. Comments like "you'll find the one someday", "but you will live your life alone", "you can't know for sure", "does it me you don't like me", "so you want one-night stand" (for allosexuals), "you are just afraid of commitment"... Things like that. They won't say it in a agressive tone, but it will be as offensive and invalidating. Now that this is said, people can also have a good reaction. I see people be supportive or curious. You can't really know how someone will react before you come out.
  15. I never dated but I think it's normal. It all depends on what you "lost" by breaking-up. Do you lose a lot of things or does friendship feels better for you? So no, you are not supposed to be super sad about it. Don't invalidate your feelings because other people don't handle things ike you do.
  16. I don-t want to kiss. Or maybe my family on the check, that's it. I enjoy kissing in fiction, but for me... no way. I don't see it as inherently romantic or sexual because I don't think actions are romantic or sexual, only the impulse for these actions are.
  17. Really? That's a shame.
  18. There are asexual people who enjoy the sexual activity, so this is possible. May not be common, but it is still a thing. Lke enjoying sport, or music... a lot of things in life don't include sexual attraction and we still love them. Just, the experience is different and not enjoyable for the same reason.
  19. Same. I have some aro or ace character but most of the time they are allo allo. They decide their own orientation, I have no power of that. I still remember how a main character decided to be bi, even if I can only picture her as homophobic and biphobic (well at least, she won't stay that way now, she'll learn to accept others).
  20. Outside arocalypse, I don't speak about it most of the time. It rarely comes in the conversation, and I don't feel the need to bring it.
  21. I liked imagining my wedding. The dress, the meal, the cake, maybe the place and the fun. But I never imagine a husband or a wife to accompany all these things. That was optional lol. Now that I think about it, being aro is like the song A very nice prince from the musical Into the woods. The baker's wife wants all the details about the prince, but Cinderella keeps talking about the festival because that's what she cares about, not the prince.
  22. Once I found a history book about women who were single and glad to be so. It was in French but maybe an equivalent exist in English? You can also look for figure who had been single all their life but still had a meaningful life or be happy. For this you may find feminist articles (that's not only a feminist thing but as feminism has think a lot about the fact that women don't need a man, you may find things here). Maybe testimony of people : talking about experiences works more than generalities for what I see. Polyamory pr aromanticism is good for that. Also maybe, allos who priviledge toxic relationships before their sanity because of amatonormativity. I like the example of @cherrieash because it shows that contrary to what a lot of people believe, marrying isn't natural but cultural. When it comes to family, a lot of people believe that the unclear family is the only possibility or the poor children will lose everything. Except they won't. There are a mot of other was to do things.
  23. nonmerci


    That's separate from aromantic spectrum. It is just more talk about here because lack of aromantic attraction leads aromantic to notice more other type of emotional attraction, that's it.
  24. Don't know if this is part of why I didn't discover my identity before (main reason if I didn't know it was a possibility), but yes. I had friends my age but we never talked about crushes at all. Fun fact : I don't know if she is aro or not but one of these friends is still single because she thinks her studies and finding a job are more important right now, and she keeps refusing to date. So I never relate to the "all my friends say that and I feel alienated" because my friends don't talk about crushes. The only time they did, well they were not really my friends but people of my class. They wanted to know my crush and I said the name of a cute guy. That's it.
  25. Oh my... They seriously said that asexual is close enough to aromantic? To an allo aro? Someone who suffers becuse people confused the two orientations? My, these kind of people make me feel ashamed of being ace... how would they feel if you always forget that they are alloromantic and ypu buy them aromantic items! I don't know, but I think that some asexual have problem to understand that aromanticism is it's own thing and does not belong to their community. Maybe because of the link between the two (though aro don't see to have the same problem to understand that they are different).
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