eatingcroutons

Well, there is a difference between assuming that any hook-ups that happen in clubs are purely physical, and assuming that everyone in a club is open to hooking up.

💯 💯 💯 Let's take a look at this guy's actual actions, during your first interaction with him: When you said said you weren't interested, he continued to pressure you When you said you weren't interested a second time, he continued to pressure you When you were reluctant to give him your phone number, he forced you to reveal it in a way that couldn't be circumvented This isn't a well-meaning nice man, this is a modus operandi. He may have "sounded nice", but this guy has proven definitively by his actions that he has no respect for your comfort or boundaries, only in getting what he wants out of you. You don't owe him, or anyone like him, any politeness or respect. Ghost him, block his number, make sure you aren't searchable by phone number on any social media platforms, and make sure your WhatsApp profile or anything else tied to your phone number doesn't reveal any more personal information in case he goes looking. Society teaches women to be polite and respectful no matter how many boundaries men trample over, and that's bullshit. I know it's not always safe or easy to do so, but next time someone tries to pull something like this on you, try just telling them outright, "No, please leave me alone." You may discover very quickly just how "nice" they actually are (so again, only try it if you're in a safe place). But I find that every time you practise enforcing your boundaries like this, it gets easier. You are under no obligation to pretend to like a total stranger who has decided they want something from you. "No, please leave me alone" is a perfectly polite thing to say.

Man, the number of times my current housemate and I ran into "no sharers" clauses when we were looking for rental properties... We're both adults in our thirties with permanent, full-time jobs; each of us could have afforded the entire rent for most of the places we looked at on our own, let alone together. A couple in our position would have been a shoo-in for anything we were looking at. But as "sharers" we couldn't even apply for half the properties we found.

Huh, to me a large part of the appeal of nightclubs is hooking up with no expectation of it being for more than one night. Or hell, even just making out with hot strangers. I like them as a place where the default assumption is that any connection is purely physical.

I fucking love Mika's Elle Me Dit. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiHWwKC8WjU Not strictly an "aro song" but the entire sentiment of it resonates so well with my approach to life.

The friends I've had semi-regular sex with have included a friend I met when we were undergrads, a friend I met via a sports club, one of my brother's friends from university, a friend I initially met online... basically all the same sorts of places I meet friends generally. It sounds self-evident to say so but the wider your friendship circle, the more likely you are to find people who are interested in and comfortable with casual sex.

@Nobody do you have a school counsellor or trusted adult outside of your immediate family that you can talk to about this? It would be much better for you to get advice from someone who can help and support you in real life, if you can.

I think it means you need to spend some more time figuring out what kind of relationship you want with this person. What specific things do you want to do/share with her? What don't you want to do/share with her? Like Erederyn said, try to reflect and be honest with yourself about what you actually want for yourself, before signing up for something you're not sure about.

I don't think of it that way. I am genuinely happy for my coworkers who are getting married, and having or adopting kids. I think those things should be celebrated, and I'm happy to contribute to gifts for them. I just wish there were more things that were culturally accepted as things to be universally celebrated in the workplace. Maybe moving or buying a house? Getting promoted? Milestone birthdays?

Yeah, this is the main thing for me. That, plus the fact that there are certain Life Events where it's standard practice for everyone in the office to pitch in for a gift and a card, and those are all related to the typical amatonormative life path: Engagement, marriage, childbirth, etc. I have nothing against doing this! I'm just sad that I'm never going to get a present from my colleagues like that 🙁

This argument is disingenuous at best. The words "sexual" and "non-asexual" do exactly the same thing. "Non-asexual" seems like an overly contrived double negative to me. Calling people "sexual" has its own problems. If someone wants to identify that way then sure, more power to them. But as a general label for third parties? Consider the connotations of calling a woman, especially a woman of colour, "sexual" in conversation. It brings up connotations of objectification, and assumptions of sexual availability, none of which are particularly comfortable. "Sexual" comes with multiple meanings and significant cultural baggage. Edit: Case in point: I am AFAB, generally present as a woman, and when I tried reading that AVEN thread just now I had to stop because I was extremely skeeved out by people referring to people like me as "sexuals" and "sexual people". I've had far too many bad experiences of people using that sort of language to describe me. My sexual orientation is complicated! But the one thing I can be 100% certain about my sexuality is that I am allo. My understanding is that it is one of several terms for queer used in one part of one French-speaking country. The two words developed independently, and any speaker of both French and English will be familiar with the concept of faux amis. So I'm not sure quite what "problem" this creates. Personally I've had far more instances where if I just say I'm aro, people assume I'm also ace. To get to the actual point of this thread: I don't often have occasion to identify as just "allosexual" by itself, but "alloaro" is a very important term to me, which I use all the time - and which explicitly includes my allosexual identity. Edit: Sorry the quotes from the OP are out of order here but it's fucking impossible to rearrange them on mobile.

Yeah, my understanding is that a "queerplatonic relationship" is not defined by any particular kind of attraction that the people involved may or may not feel. Rather, it's a relationship that is not a romantic relationship, but which the people involved have chosen to call something other than a friendship, because they don't believe "friendship" would accurately describe the relationship either.

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You may be interested in these results from a survey that went around late last year - there are definitely more of us out here who identify as aro and poly! I feel like a key commonality between aro and poly attitudes is pushing back against the amatonormative narrative that we must all prioritise a single romantic relationship over all other relationships in our lives. Before I identified as aro I definitely knew I didn't want to be in an exclusive relationship of any kind, and I know at least one other person on Discord who identified as poly before they knew being aro was a thing.

Don't try to soften your response in a way that might give them false hope. You really need to be clear and direct. Far, far too much of society teaches us to treat a "no" as a "try harder", and you don't want to give them an inch that they'll try to run a mile with. Don't make excuses like, "I've got other stuff going on in my life right now." Tell them some variation of, "I'm sorry, but I don't feel the same way and I'm not interested in that kind of relationship with you." Practise some alternative phrasings if it helps! But whatever happens, do not give in to the urge to equivocate. Something I also find helpful: Tell them that if they need some time to get over their feelings, you'll understand if they need space. But also tell them that if and when they feel comfortable continuing your existing friendship, without expecting anything more, you still care about them as a friend and you'll be there.

Yeah, I'm not really sure I can give a good answer based on the OP alone. Some thoughts on the specific points, though: "i caught my mom and a guy kissing": To be honest, if it's her house, it's not unreasonable for her to kiss people in it. "she tried to trick me into thinking he had already left like two hours before": This seems like a strange thing to do, unless there's prior history and context, and I'm not sure what to make of it without knowing the prior history and context. "she was drinking at the time": Is there a reason you mentioned this? Was it causing some kind of problem in particular? "i’ve made it clear how uncomfortable i am with men in the house even if i knew them": As others have said this may be a point where you and your mother need to compromise. Perhaps agree on some ground rules about prior warning when someone's going to be visiting the house, and about areas that are off-limits to guests. "she crossed the line": Again I feel like there's prior history and context here that I'm missing. What is the "line" that you agreed on with your mum?

When I was your age I definitely felt the way you do about romance, crushes, and romantic movies - and I now definitely identify as aro. So I think it's really fantastic that you're aware "aromantic" is a thing a person can be. I just felt like a weirdo through most of high school 😅 That said, you may "turn out to be" alloromantic, you may not, and both of those things are totally okay! More generally my advice to you would be: Regardless of how you identify, your personal boundaries are important and other people should respect them. If you're uncomfortable watching romantic scenes in movies when other people are in the room, that's a boundary you're allowed to enforce, end of story. Don't feel pressure to definitively pin down exactly how you feel with a label, if you're not sure what fits you best. You've got plenty of time to explore who you are. Conversely: Don't be afraid to identify with a label if you're not 100% sure whether it's "right" for you. I promise you even adults are never 100% sure of anything, and that's fine. Likewise: Don't worry about whether you're "[identity] enough" to identify as a given identity. If it feels right to you to identify that way, you're allowed. The way you describe yourself now doesn't have to be the way you describe yourself forever. It's fine to identify in the way that makes most sense to you now, without knowing if you'll feel the same way forever. I'm not sure what kind of "advice" exactly you're looking for but I hope that helps...!

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For myself, I don't want verbal or physical affection directed my way in real life - I absolutely cannot stand pet names, and am not generally interested in kissing or other physical affection outside of sexual situations. For my friends, I love seeing them being affectionate with their partners - it makes me happy to see them happy. In fiction, I have very little interest in stories where the focus or the purpose is about characters falling in love and getting together. I also get exasperated by stories where characters "fall in love" with little more pretext than the old Avril Lavigne justification. But I do enjoy stories where romantic feelings make things complicated or messy or painful in interesting ways. Where romantic feelings are unrequited, or where characters are attracted to people who would be *terrible* for them, or where falling in love makes life more difficult for everyone involved. In that sense I "ship" literally anything and everything that I think would make for an interesting story.

Have you met your friend's partner? Are they part of your social circle? If not, I highly recommend making a conscious effort to build a relationship with them. I see so, so many people on these forums terrified that when their friends get into romantic relationships, they'll lose a friend. Whenever my friends get into romantic relationships, I see that as an opportunity to make a new friend. The vast majority of the time, if a good friend of mine likes someone enough to start a romantic relationship with them, I'm probably also gonna get along with that person. People in (healthy) romantic relationships still have friends and other people they love outside of their romantic relationships. Make the effort to become part of your friend and her partner's social circle. Make the effort to include her partner in yours! And chances are you'll end up with more people in your life, not fewer.

Here's something I read the other day which you may find helpful: You can definitely be bisexual regardless of what actual sexual experiences you've had. But you might find it less stressful to worry less about figuring out RIGHT NOW what label best applies to you, and instead give yourself time and space to see what sorts of attractions you experience (or don't experience).

In my experience, "friends with benefits" usually means someone you have a sexual but not a romantic relationship with. My understanding of "platonic dating" would be more like, setting an evening aside to spend with one of your best friends to go out for dinner and a movie because you like spending time with them.

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