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About ApeironStella

  • Birthday November 30

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    My mindscape
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    Translator (Eng<=>Tr)

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  1. I ended up buying a copy of Alice Oseman's Loveless (it wasn't available in my country before on Kindle) and I just started reading it.

    I hate how my kneejerk reaction to seeing a canon aroace protag in a story and seeing the hints to her identity even from the start with how relatable her experience is- that there is a chapter titled "Aromantic Asexual" later on makes me feel dread due to being around for the all the "ace diskhorse" shit as I was a teen newly learning about being an ace and aro at the time, that how much of their bs I internalized and don't even realize having internalized it until I see anyone seriously tackle these identities seriously in fiction.

    I hate that I feel guilt, embarrassment, that I have the comments on how pointless and unnecessary it is to write about something like that, that it is all just some fake exaggeration and that it is a story no one would want to read, that it is catering to just some egoistical snowflake wannabes going over in my mind the entire time before I need to take a break.

    I hate that I can't simply enjoy aspec media without these sorts of feelings coming to front of my mind and sending me down a rabbit hole of internalized aphobia/self hatred I never even realized I had to address and was there as a consequence of those years, despite how much I crave stories like that and to see that representation, given all the comments on "stealing representation/resources" arguments over the years made their dent on me on the topic...

    Sorry for a downer vent, I just hate everything about what went down at that time and I don't think I ever will forgive the people who actively flamed that fire by sock puppet accounts etc- despite not wanting to wish ill on anyone, I despise it all and the harm they caused to me and many others.

    1. PancakeSnake


      ah yea i can imagine >:/ the whole dISkhOrsE a few years ago really sucked, and im glad i managed to mostly stay away from it...

      you got this tho!! and dont forget that us fellow Evil Resource StealersTM (meant humorously ofc haha) got your back! ^_^ xD

      i hope you like the book btw! i was planning to maybe read it myself too :)

    2. alto



  2. The questions on romantic attractions leaves a lot to be desired, yeah. Even with asexuality, as an aego, I am only comfortable imagining/thinking about sexual stuff when it doesn't involve me, so even the kissing question stumped me because my answer would be more along the lines of "I'm probably uncomfortable if it is a movie and tired of stuff like that being showed in movies but chiller if drawn characters and it sounds very unsanitary to kiss people so I really don't want anything beyond maybe a peck at most if anything", etc, etc. My results were 42% aroace, 33% demi bc I guess saying "I'm not into it but if I ever seriously did something romantic/sexual I would probs trust someone I'm close to to try it with" translates to that here, 17% alloaro (the wording of that result comes really close to "maybe you are not aro after all" and almost has the aroallophobia lurking underneath and I hope it's just me reading into things) 8% alloallo, 0% alloace. Kinda funny how I'm likelier to be alloallo than alloace apparently
  3. If it's not in a space where I know there are other queer people who knows about the terms and/or has familarity with the community in some way, I just tend to give answers with some humor to them usually (Ie. now that I'm 22, when my aunt on dad's side keeps talking about how I surely have an interest in someone, I gleefully inform her that nope, I am not, and if pressed on if I don't want a boyfriend, my answer is usually a "what use would I even have for a boyfriend? I don't need one, so I'll pass" etc) since I've always been a bit of an odd ball and on both sides of the family, I'm not the only one who's not into relationship stuff/early settler since said aunt's daughters for example are closing to their fourties too. I did mention about it to my mom and I'm not sure whether she thinks I'm a lesbian at this point or not bc my go to with her is throwing her off with a "so what if I ended up with another woman instead?" and at this point, she is just "Well, I guess I would just have to live with that, then." so 😋 And I think being autistic also plays a bit of a hand in that too, as while I was never officially diagnosed, I was always the youngest and "weird" cousin one way or the another, talking about my hyper interests they would say were childish and I would grown out of (while instead I'm very much planning to work in those fields as a translator now lol) and more of the loner type who got good grades/was the "smart kid", so I think that also plays a bit of a hand in lack of pressure from family overall since I still have the 'excuse of' studying for post graduate stuff. (And I'm lucky enough to live closer to mom's side of the family than dad's as former probs just assumes that like their daughters who focused on their studies and found partners at work, I'm just focusing on getting my own shit together before settling down with someone than latter's extremely patriarchal expectations.) With friends, if the topic comes up and I tend to say it and I don't hide my confusion about romantic and sexual attraction if the topic goes there, but that's really only applicable for people I meet irl bc I never really hide I'm aro online, and don't use any accounts linked to family/people who aren't in my inner circles so.
  4. khfdhfdkjfd I shouldn't be this absurdly happy but I am now that small keychain plushie of my hyperfixation character/rp character over last year or so arrived...

    Normally, I don't really get as many fandom stuff, but I made an exception for this given the year so I deserve something nice fuck it

    1. NotHeartless


      Yes, you do. Sounds really neat B|.

  5. A lot of this is a big mood, especially breakups with "romantic partners" being far less impactful than long time early teen years friendship breakups hitting far harder. (In fact, I similarly had a guy I dated when he confessed more out of curiousity and wanting to see if I would develop those feelings back, and when he got afraid of how chill I was about the possible commitment side of things and wanted to break up, I was more or less just "yeah cool, figured as much" and got felt far worse that my bestfriend at the time got really sad and angry on my behalf than about the break up itself lol) And some people just do look good, yeah. It's the good old "you admire a Monet painting but you don't want to have sex with it" but applied to romantic side of things too. Especially the "A best friend that you were comfortable with being close to (as in: living with, calling "partner"). Someone to travel with, talk to, share bills with. Basically a person to just walk through life with. None of that cringe-y stuff you see on TV." part, which was weird to my highschool friends when I mentioned that's how I saw myself ever being a thing with anyone. Also, since I didn't see this part being responded to, it is essentially a catch all umbrella term for people who have brains function differently compared to what is considered "normal" by social norms, ie. the most common example given is people with ADHD/people on Autism spectrum but it also applies to personality disorders/people with mental health issues as well. From my experience, there are a lot of aro (and/or ace and/or nb) autistic people, though it doesn't necessarily mean all autistic people are at least one of them. I didn't see stuff like that being brought up much on AVEN for what little time I was on there ages ago, but I see aspie community fairly involved in aro groups, really. I hope this wasn't an unnecessary addition since you already decided to use the label, just wanted to add some additional context for the last part and chime in that a lot of your experience sounds familiar to me?
  6. Sadly the "you'll change your mind" continues into adulthood too, at least in my experience. But yeah, that's a whole another can of topic how you are expected to "change your mind" on that even if you've been firm on your lack of desire for marriage (and/or having kids, thanks heteronormativity). And well... Friend groups doesn't necessarily have to do with sexuality, I would say? It would be also linked to what interests you had and other things that might play a factor in who you "got along with" (Ie. as someone on autistic spectrum, I always had one female friend I would latch onto and learn to emulate the attitude of while as an aro, I definitely did not feel at home with most other "normal" girls) so that's only something you can answer by thinking back and keeping an eye out for if you have feelings for same gender? That's also a possibility, of course. And like @nonmercisays, I actually do like romance in fiction too- Or rather, in my case I often like writing it for the drama and emotional hurt/comfort chance that brings, as well as fandom spaces are so shaped by people's preferences in ships that I essentially tend to find two characters I'm interested in exploring the characters of enough and find someone who is also down to spend months hyperfixating over them with me if I'm lucky, and focus on it, so I would say there are definitely aros who can enjoy it and/or be actively curious about what romantic feelings even are like my confused teen self lol Also on the topic of attraction to the same gender- that's always a bit funny of a topic to me, mainly because while I was identifying as pan, two out of three people I online dated were girls I very much cared about and thought were amazing people, but once I actually started to date with them, it didn't... feel as natural to do nice things for them? As in, I was talking about making music sheet origami roses to one for being a musician, bc I like making origami gifts for friends, with no real romantic intention behind it besides knowing she liked that sort of cheesy romance stuff a lot, and when we were "officially" dating, I found it felt really forced and... wrong in a way I can't quite explain. That and also my "asking out" to her was asking her how crushes even feel and if what I felt for her was a crush bc I had coined the term "admiration crush" without knowing squish was a thing to essentially describe it as "short intense bursts where I really get obsessed with wanting to get close to one person bc I think so highly of them and want to be close and important to them, however it fades once I'm close enough without a desire for 'more'." so. Also I'm glad it was some help 💚
  7. I think it was somewhere around either late highschool or early uni? Might be early uni actually, but it's hard to tell because I had a long time I considered myself pan, then panromantic demisexual, then ace, then aroace. It has to be at least 3-4 years by now given I definitely had known it about a year at least before I switched to my current tumblr blog. And on the topic of how early is too early with labeling yourself as aro, I would say pay attention to how your view of romance might differ from your peers, and if their description of crush fits for you? Because I sure do remember thinking friends mentioned celebrity crushes as in celebrities they admired/really liked rather than having genuine romantic feelings for (Ie. as a teen I really liked David Tennant bc I would be so down to go to adventures with 10th Doctor and what I saw of him personally gave me some older brotherly/fatherly vibes than making me desire him doing romantic coded stuff with me) and even for younger celebrities I had "crushes" on, it was similarly me admiring their personality and having more of a feeling of "I would like to be comforted by this person/I would be so down to hear their opinions on XYZ/go to adventures with them" etc. That, and I never got why people treat marriage of convenience as a bad thing, because most would often describe it as "you wouldn't marry a friend, would you?" and I was always just "Why wouldn't I? Why would I want to marry someone I'm not good friends with first and foremost? Isn't all healthy marriages based on two good friends deciding to live together (with implied sexual content in between [because that's what's expected in marriages right])?" And honestly, whether you are on the spectrum or not, it's not something that would harm to try out as a label if you feel it fits currently. If it starts to not fit, you can simply take whatever label that seems to fit better in the future- easier said than done, I know, but I would say by 12 I had classmates going on about their crushes and girls around me being into Twilight etc at the time while I didn't really find it romantic and mostly boring, so I would say it's worth giving it a try as a label if you find you relate to experiences of other aros to see if it feels right.
  8. How do you even respond when an allo bff talks about how their death would have "little impact" on you when you clearly know it wouldn't and that they are just wenting about wanting a partner but like... that shit hurts to hear, like thanks for telling me my love for you always will be second best and that at most I will have is a second rate love from others when I've been trying to unlearn amatonormativity for years to not feel alone

    1. Neir


      (Not sure if this was a rhetorical question so forgive me if you're not looking for an answer and are just venting!)
      This is something that's happened to me quite a bit as well and it's always so hurtful. Often times, especially for people with low self-esteem, people have the assumption in their heads that friends aren't allowed to be close or have strong love for one another. 1000% amatonormativity, as you've said, and it's taken me a while to articulate this to my friends (especially because I haven't used "amatonormativity"). However, after enough persistence, I've had friends really realize and understand that they mean a lot to me. It has often not been about friends not believing in my love, but rather about their own self-esteem and being convinced others don't really love them because they are unworthy of it. My heart goes out to you and I really hope this person didn't really mean that your love is second-rate but rather has their own issues that caused things to come out that way.

  9. At this point if Avocado man isn't aroace I will eat my nonexistent hat This entire post puts it better than I could: https://ririruby.tumblr.com/post/167837460432/tumblr-ver-of-my-aroace-amami-receipts-thread-on He even has aro color scheme given his hair often looks almost green come on-
  10. Now that I see the marriage topic, I remembered that as a kid, only reason I was interested in getting married was because I realized how much money was put into that one day and that while in the country I live in it was done in a lot more conventional way, but people in especially American/Western movies doing stuff like bursting out of cakes, some other shenanigans happening during the party, it suddenly turning to a musical etc so I was just "swinging down from a rope with a long fluffy sweet dress and kicking some infiltrator butt and maybe pulling a musical number in a party that is based around my favourite series/themed after things I like, and since this is some "once in a life time event" I could rationalize it to my parents like "you would pay just the same if we did it conventional way, this is once in life let me have this"? That sounded fucking sweet to me. Like, the fact that it was supposed to be a tender and romantic and emotional thing was the least of my concerns, and the groom was something I didn't think much about because ever since I was younger, I have always been of the opinion that "If I ever marry someone that honestly would be a bff who I adore the personality/way of thinking/someone I respect as a person and enjoy spending my time with and knew for a good long time, and if they asked for marriage sure, only thing that would change is that sex would be added to stuff we do, I guess" way, so my assumption was that if I was ever marrying someone, they would be the type to enjoy that sort of party/'quirky' stuff too so it would be pulling a giant fun party with a bff, surrounded by friends who enjoy that with us as well. And of course, I would do something like making bunny ears behind his head as we take the wedding pic or smth because of course it would not be complete without me pulling an annoying, childish trollish thing. (Now that I think about it, most ""romantic"" type domestic scenarios I could think of often had more of a dynamic of "annoying lil sister type with an exasperated yet loving older sibling-ish friend type of relationship even when I was thinking I was/my OC was crushing on a canon character. Like, there would be some random stealing kiss moment, because of course there had to be one if they were a couple!, but honestly it was more in a way of "Ha! Caught you off guard!" way than any sappy, truly emotional and tender thing? The latter type of scenarios never sat right with me/always made me feel uncomfortable and I would often end up imagining it turning to something funnier/some funny background event happening to disturb it, so huh. I think I always just felt uncomfortable with my character actually being romantically involved with other character despite other character being a character I really love/admire/want to pinch the cheeks of and felt genuine connection to/affection towards but the point was that I would want to be involved with that character in a platonic manner than romantic and/or sexual. Even my "celebrity crushes" were all "I admire this person so much that I would love to meet them and for them to be an older sister/brother figure who mentors me/be people I can learn from and earn the respect of as well, I would be so happy if they ever found me admirable too" way. Before I knew about squishes, I used to call those "admiration crushes", as anytime I had that with a friend I was getting closer towards, it just ended up going away the moment we became a "couple", and often times, even without that after a while it always fades once I know that friend well enough to be good friends- once I am someone close to them and the bond I so strongly desired is accomplished and I know that I have a place in their life and vice versa. I still care about them a lot, but not as actively waiting for their responses, if that makes sense. Though, honestly I often almost always only talk about common interests with people so at least half of that eagerness is eagerness to be able to talk about that story/topic we are both so into, with someone who is genuinely as into the thing as I am, wanting to share tha experience with someone, than a romantical/sexual interest? But ye.)
  11. Oooh, that's a great idea 💚 Haven't replied to past ones, but since yesterday's was apparently about favourite aesthetic: Anything with pastel purple, especially stuff that involves holy trio of pastel pink-purple-blue (plus space aesthetic in general). I just have a thing for soft/airy vibes. (as if my profile picture/cover pic isn't a hint enough on that lmao. That artist's colour choices/shading and in general vibe and more subtle and/or obvious meaning that ties back to the characters while keeping the image taken just during a scene of movement yet actually rather still and sort of empty yet not quite empty, peaceful almost after-lifey vibe, that hazy airy vibe I adore so much.) For today's: I love my family because being an only child who grew up moving around a lot, they were the only constant people in my life growing up, and I sincerely do feel like they both did try their best to raise me to their capabilities and they even now still do. I love how my mother always tried to answer my questions logically as a kid, instead of ever getting angry at me for asking some hard questions, and admitted if she didn't know something herself as well and said she would research about it and let me know the result, I am so so grateful to her for teaching me how to learn and question things so young and never being an "authority" figure in my life in the sense that she was someone I ever had to be afraid of, and to this day, can have some hours long proper discussions on various topics with, but also being able to be equally goofy and doing silly things with her because her soul is sometimes honestly younger than mine. My favourite moments with her is usually when we are just trolling each other or watching/reading some series together, or having a nice talk with her. For my father, for being someone who almost always has a smile on his face and being not above doing some silly things if he thinks it would cheer me up as a kid, for showing me how to interact with people better as well since he is someone who is rather good at human connections, for showing me that there truly are people on this world that does something kind for some random stranger just because they are the type of person who shares what they got even if its not much, for sharing hours on end with me on some silly atari or computer game which we played again and again until we memorized and had our strategies set for certain stages, that one night when I was in the 2nd grade or so, we were playing Lode Runner, and it was like 4 AM when we finally get to end of that game for once, I was barely awake at the time that I hazily remember him saying we reached the end of it. And also, I love both of them for dealing with a honestly rather trouble making child like me without ever resorting to violence and rarely losing their temper with me, instead using empathy and reasoning so that I would learn taking responsibility for my actions and how they effect others early on. And for rarely ever forcing me on any major decision, leaving it to me to choose if I wanted to pursue further education or work or what I want to study, never pressuring me to put my grades above my happiness/health, saying it was ultimately my choice what I did with my life. (Which is ironically why I never had much need for being "rebellious"- I personally do want to study further and learn more, and do keep an eye on my own grades, because it is something I personally care about.) For my friends, for being there for me when I needed them most, for being there as I was (and am) growing up and maturing further, for calling me out on my bs when I got unreasonable, for calming me down when I freaked out, for trusting me with their own share of secrets and problems, for sharing so many fictional universes with me, for losing ourselves in the story we write, getting so in synch with each other that we keep stealing words from each other's mouth constantly, for broken friendships teaching me how to not act in certain situations and how to handle such things, that conflict between you and your friend isn't a reason for instantly assuming that friendship is irrepairable and that it is sometimes okay and necessary, that some bonds are worth the risk and the worth the effort, for showing me that I have qualities worthy of offering them to the world and encouraging me while I doubt myself, for considering me a friend in the first place, for everything. I'm sorry this got rather long, I just have a lot I appreciate about them all that this would get even longer if I didn't stop myself- they are all lovely people deserving of all the love world has to offer and I'm kind of feeling rather sentimental/mushy rn whoops-
  12. I would say if it becomes a thing, it definitely should be in a specific subforum, as there are romance-repulsed aros as well? I can see logic in both allowing a subforum like that to exist and vice versa, but since personally I would have no use for it, so long as it doesn't become such a major part of the forum that it revolves around people just looking for partners, it sounds fine to me? It would need a good monitoring by the admins/mods due to age/what content are post publicly etc like Jot-Aro said, though. I mean, I come here to most often when I'm sick of amatonormativity in daily life, so that's why I wouldn't want the main focus to shift away that much personally, but it definitely can be good for people who are looking for QPRs/Grey/Demi/Arospec people who are not at the extreme end of the spectrum, so a subforum if wanted by said Arospecs can work?
  13. Oh. Okay, I just saw this and makes sense with your other questions then. Agreed with others on this thread, you can't be a sexual abuser/predator if you respect it when other people don't give a consent, and you are open about what you are looking for while approaching someone. Being trans and/or alloaro isn't inherently predatory, and if people you are surrounded by is pushing down that TERF/RadFem bullshit on you, then it is likely for better to limit your interactions with them as much as you can. I'm sorry you were abused in such a way as a kid, and I hope you are able to avoid people who abused you, but their abuse doesn't define you or make you something inherently broken/dirty/an abuser- the fact that you actually worry that you might be abusing someone even while trying your damn best to avoid that sounds to me like regardless of the abuse you went through, you still have your heart in the right place. And of course, if that label makes you feel more comfortable with yourself, then that's how you identify yourself as, end of the line. Just please know that there is nothing wrong with being alloaro either, and that you are always welcomed here as others have said 💚
  14. Okay so... Let me get this straight(lol)... You base your identity around being seen as the "weird, loner, smart, gifted one" and also use the "smartness factor" as a bargaining chip when you want to try to get a sexual partner, and also worry that acting as such is going against your "smart loner lonely mysterious kuudere TM" aura so that it might end up "nullifying your weirdness, which you see as a core part of yourself and don't want to be 'nullified'"? I'm sorry if this comes out harsh, as I sincerely don't mean any harm with this, but this whole thing comes off as being rather insecure with who you are and seeing some traits you have as a person as certain labels you cling to, which I can understand being a thing (especially in high school years/teenager years since I mean I had that phase too, like many others) and that question here really is that asking for confirmation that your self image of being someone gifted/special/weird/loner is still valid despite that going against how people who are seeking for sexual engagement is seen, since sexual attraction is something "shallow and not intellectual at all" by public view? There is nothing inherently "profound and deep" about being asexual on its own, it is simply related to one's sexual attraction levels- and sure, you can argue that what people might find "sexy" is bound to change with level of education/level of knowledge you have on human nature related areas, and I would agree that it probably has a hand or two in that, but aside from that, not really. You can be allosexual and have a great level of intelligence in any sort of area/gifted in one type of intelligence (not just typical math/logical intelligence- which also honestly is a whole another topic because you can be gifted in one area and absolutely suck in another, which is honestly human nature) or you can be someone who is not "gifted" in any kind of way but still be asexual. On "society being boring" topic, I truly do feel like that's something my teenage self would say because at the time I felt like no one really was aware of how messed up the world or humanity are, thinking I'm fooling people by acting different and weird and quirky but also knowing "how to manipulate people bc I'm so smart", so it is a sentiment I can sympathize with, but also a mindset that I find is rather unhealthy. People aren't that stupid, and just because you have different interests from them/neurodiversity doesn't mean you are any better or worse from them. You are you, and of course, you are the one who can decide what label fits your tendencies the best, but you don't have to be the "smartest, most aware, most calculative, always a step forward everyone else" to matter. That is not to say I think you are someone not as intelligent as you claim to be, you very well might be and if so, that's great that this is something you are aware of and can take pride in. This is just saying that, that is not your only value as a human being and that you don't have to clutch those labels to feel like you can only matter when you are acting accordingly to those labels- if you do feel sexual attraction/want to have sex, that doesn't mean this makes you any less "deep and mystical and intellectual", that just means that you simply feel sexual attraction. If you don't feel it, then that's okay too! It is not something that means you are broken in some way that you have to cover it with like "asexuals are deeper and more profound anyway" reasoning, is all I'm trying to say. I hope that I really didn't cross any borders here, and I apologize if I did so. I can delete this/ask a mod for this to be deleted if this is going against any of the rules or you feel discomfortable with this, I just wanted to chime in because given your other topic I've seen as well, that's what I personally picked up, and of course since I'm a random person on the internet I might have gotten this completely wrong- in which case, as I said, I will take back what I said.
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