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Everything posted by Blake

  1. My advice? Do not leave. At the bare minimum you should know your partner for at least 2 years. Moving in with someone is a wild card for both. You don't know what's gonna happen, or how both will react to the change. Also, you have kids. Yes they may not call you mother but that doesn't make you less of one. Those kids do not owe you anything, but you brought them into this world, that makes you have some responsibility in their lives. Actions have consequences, you gave birth so at the very least if they need you, you should be there for them. I am not telling you to be physically there, but on phone calls, or video chat. Let them know that if they need you, you will respond. I will say it again, 1 year is not enough time to know someone. If you move in, you will alienate yourself from the first safety net, your family; and second safety net, your friends. This means that if poop hits the fan, you would have none or very few people. This makes it harder for you to get up on your feets again. If you want to distance from your family, do so, but do not cut both your fam and friends. Always have a back up plan, a friend, a therapist, someone who can serve as link or a safety net that you can cushion your fall, if you do. Be prepared for the worst, because is better to be the crazy survivalist with nuclear shelter than being the roasted corpse in the house when a nuclear warhead falls down.
  2. Lots of food for me. Dont have to eat things i dont like Key lime pie only for me All coffee for me ^^ Don't have to meet extended family and be awkward Cheap vacations and one day planning at most Can hang more with friends Basically not having to take care of someone thats not me. I dont take usual bs when ppl tell me they where late. Your partner doesnt work for you nor are you tied to them, be on time or dont come at all. ^ me only thinking on partner related stuff but is 2am and insomnia is annoying Can speak my mind, if i want something I do it or get it. No romance triangles (based on geometry at least one is queer if we are attracted to each other.) Romantic movies now are comedy I enjoy horror movies more since few romance when someone is following you with an axe
  3. My aro moment was when watching Brave with family and everyone sided with the mother and I was the only one that defended Merida till the last. Only disney princess that gives me full aroace vibes and fave so far. My family couldnt understand why Merida didnt want to be queen and also only thought Merida didnt want to marry for selfish reasons. I can understand not understanding the character, but imposing your views on the worlds is wanting people to be like you, and we all unique.
  4. Ask yourself, do you want to be with this person? If the answer is no, talk with them and say that you want to be very good friends with them and you enjoy spending time with them but thats it. Yes it would be kind of rejection but if you don't want to be with them you have to voice it or the situation can be misunderstood and you may lose a friend. If the answer is yes/maybe, see if you can know for certain they have a crush on you or not, ask them questions about if they are seeing someone at the moment, what do they think about queer people (this is to know if they would be in a qpr or a relationship with someone queer/or if they are heavily influenced by heteronormativity). Ask them about themselves, to see if they are self centered or not. Know them better, evaluate them and you will find their reasons if they have or not. This is what I would do, and have done in the past. I like to know who am I really speaking to, and if its worth my time listening to them (if they have something to say that isn't blatantly racist or derrogatory).
  5. I won't enter much into feelings since those vary from person to person. What I will say is that boundaries should exist in every relationship, romantic/platonic/etc. If something doesnt feel right, say it and look for a substitute. If you want space, say it. Ice cream craving? Go ahead and say it and maybe you'll get lucky ^^. If you question what you are, then do it all the way. Dissect ypur thoughts, feelings. Why you feel that way, was it because of someone said it? An action someone did?. Is there a correlation between your past relationships that have a common variable (besides you as a person). Why did your past relstionships failed? Did they blame you or did you blame yourself? And so on. Ask yourself questions and try to look for the possibilities. Only you hold the answers, we can help you by relating our stories but thats about it. My past relationship blamed me for the breakup, and I take the blame because I knew that there wasn't a future the way things went. Maybe I could have modified myself and save it, but i didn't because changing who I am is not something I will do for anyone. You either take me whole or nothing at all. I can do happy mediums on some things, but if you want to change my core, that ain't gonna happen. This is to say that you should be yourself, do not let anyone define who you are as an individual. If someone wants you, they will make you see it, and if not, then why be with someone that doesn't appreciate you?
  6. Im a bit late to the thread but if you still here and questioning I will give you my feedback on the matters. This is a complex and multi level issue. One thing does affect another but not entirely. By this I mean that you are questioning your identity and that is fine, however in that questioning you have to take into account that you are dealing with more problems that will affect you. I will take it from the top, First paragraph is important: acceptance. So your mother did not accept your identity, this means that you may want to conform to what she wants you to be, thus you question if you are or not aromantic. This is based on human connections, you want to connect with people so you mold yourself into what they expect you to be. One of the things that make queer people seem radical while they are not. Society is telling them to mold themselves but we ain't having none of that bs. It is a real problem and one that affects each on a different matter. Second paragraph: You can be aro and still want a relationship. Aromantic means that you have few or none romantic attraction. Nothing more nor less. So yes, you can want a qpr, a normal relationship, and still be aro or aro-spec. With those aside, let me tell you that if you want answers, you have to ask ghe hard questions and analyze the responses. 1. Why do I want to be in a relationship with this person. Is it because I like them for what they bring me or is it because I like something they have? You may want to be in a relationship because you feel a connection toward that person, but so you can be because you like how she treats you. This is a complex question, one that you have to dig. 2. Why did my previous relationships didn't worked? Was it because of the circumstances, me, them, both, family? Really, would you fixing the circumstances would made a difference? 3. Do I want to be in a relationship because society tells me I need to be in one to have a meaningful life? Because it allows me to have sex without shaming me for having it? Do I want to be in a relationship because that is what my family wants of me? Now, a crush and a squish are different. Did you made yourself feel those emotions/feelings or was it involuntary? Did you wanted that person for what they are or for what they can be? Was it because at your age that was what people where talking and you wanted to be part of it? My last thoughts, do not focus on micro-labels. Labels are as good as you make them be. If you think your aro or aro-spec. Use that label and later think in the specifics. Micro-labels where made to pinpoint the exacts words to describe the experience, not to tie you down. Hope this helps and may you find answers.
  7. I know for sure that I haven't experienced romantic attraction. My reactions to someone "confessing" their feelings to me is more close to the description of a panic attack than anything else. I don't like feeling tied down to anything, I like to spend time with people but not for long. I didnt read the whole thread but have the gist of it. I don't feel I am missing out on anything by my lack of attraction. It is what it is, and I see it as something that makes me, me. I see and hear too many stories about unhappy relationships so I don't want to be one of them. If by any chance I find someone that we both can tolerate each other and enjoy each others company 70% times,and want to be in a qpr with sex very rarely or never, I would do it. We both could see the world and be ourselves and just be happy. But if it doesn't happen, I'll do it alone and thats it. I don't need anyone to complete me, that is an heteronormative and amatonormative concept and I will not be part of it.
  8. True. I have 5 dogs and love them all. TPBM loves pasta and seafood
  9. Hello there ^^ welcome and yay on discovering your identity. I am aro too, for now idk really if I want to be in a qpr or not cuz personal reasons but I believe that you'll find yours :3 I love spooky films too, my reasons being few romance in it so I can enjoy the plot more.
  10. Hello, welcome and enjoy your stay. If you say you want to mingle with us, you are more than welcome ^^. Just reading is fine, and any further questions, feel free to ask. Here some key lime pie and coffee for you stay (insert pastry and coffee)
  11. This is only something that you can know for sure, since they where two separate people, and both (as far as I understand) you reciprocated their feelings, it now questions the motives. 1. You did it involuntarily or 2. You did what was socially acceptable to do/ you did what society tells you to do in that situation. Ask yourself, why you did it? Did you felt something while doing it? You may have done it to make them feel appreciated even though you did not felt something by doing it. You do actions, that doesn't mean that you will get something in return for doing them.
  12. Hello there, I would say first that having butterflies can also mean that you where anxious of what could happen with that person. Another thing is that you have to think, "Do I feel like this because I like the person" or "Do I feel like this because that is what everyone around me says they are feeling". Those two are different since you can make yourself have a crush/squish but that doesn't mean it is an actual one since as dar as I know, having either is more of an involuntary feeling. To me is sounds like squishes coupled with a bit of anxiety to what the other person would react or say. I can be wrong since only you know yourself, but that is what I thought. Hope it helps and anything else ask away ^^
  13. Hi there anon, I will say first and foremost that this forum is not made to treat any kind of issues that are not a-spec. Most of us do not study medicine or psychology, so at best we can advice, nothing more than that. What you feeling is valid, no one can tell you otherwise. In my opinion, you are obsessed with this persons, and I believe that there is nothing one should obsess about, but that is me. You cannot let anxiety rule your life, it is terrifying to confront your anxiety but it is something you should do if you want to have it under control. Look for a therapist, speak about how you feel with them, and they will be able to help you. If you are a minor, tell you parents that you want to see a therapist for your own health. You don't have to explain much to them if you do not want ofc, that is up to you. As for a coping strategy, speak to them and try to make a conversation. See how you feel and do it as much as possible, remember that we are all people with autonomy, so it is ok to be rejected, just do not let it be all your life or your experience. If they don't want to talk, look for someone that wants, there are over 8-9 billion people, not everyone wants to talk, but some do.
  14. This is what I was looking for, your opinion, and you gave it. Thanks a lot, anybody else is welcome to comment. I want to collect all data from sources first before making a decision, but thanks a lot @Ashe.. I know that whatever I choose, it will be well researched and I will make sure to have a group of people to help me along the way, I will be making all decisions but in this topic, I will ask for help because is something I know I cannot do alone.
  15. I didn't like holding hands. My hands are mine and constantly holding someones hand made them sweaty and then I had a sweaty hand and it was awkward to say to give me back my hand to wipe it up and try to hold hands again. Because now we are not holding hands and resuming the activity seems redundant since the same results will happen. But my ex-partner liked it and I did not wanted to smash their expectations. It was after breaking up and some months later than I realized I was aro, but at that moment I felt guilt for not comforming with what was expected of me in a relationship by society's standards.
  16. You might be aro if your family in law comes to visit and they all speak about how hard their partners or relationships are and your response is: divorce and be happy alone.
  17. As an aroace here, I can tell you that having sex and masturbating do not define who you are. You can be ace and still enjoy sex. Same with masturbation, those are actions done by you. Being asexual, is part of your identity. It means that you have small or zero sexual attraction. You can have sex and it feels good because it releases endorphins, not because the act was good. It is up to you to decide but yes, you can be ace or in the ace spectrum and enjoy sex and madturbation. What I would say is speak with your partner and let them know. Communication is key, since you have a kid together and you are with your partner. I hope you can find a happy medium, and do not get discouraged. You can make your relationship work and embrace your ace identity if you want. Because being in a relationship and then finding out your ace-spec isn't the end of that relationship, it is up to you and your partner to figure out the next steps. Cheers and trust in yourself.
  18. -TW: Tough talk- Ok everyone who is reading this, this will be a long post, but I finally am in a good place to have this conversation. I know full well that I am aro and ace, no doubt in my mind at all. So my sexual and romantic identity are check. Now, my gender identity has always been a conversation that I avoided having with myself. This is my safe space and I trust everyone here enough to ask for advice. First, I know that I am the only one with the answer, but that doesn't mean I want to know outside opinions so I can deconstruct it and get to my own conclusions. I am a scientist and I believe in experimentation Second, I have age majority so I can see a therapist (which I will do when I find one that is trustworthy and have expertise in queer clients). This means for me that I have a household to go, or I can find one if things don't go the way I want them to go. Third, I am looking for a job that pays me well for having a bachelor degree so I can get money for my masters, so currently unemployed but not for long since I put my grown up pants on and will begin looking for jobs tomorrow 8am. Now for the issue at hand: my gender identity. I don't love myself, I don't love my body since I had 12 years, and I am now on mid twenties. That is a little over half my life not loving what I see in the mirror. However, I tried to remedy it by doing excercises, taking martial arts, running 5km daily. It helped, i got fit, i could see myself in a mirror at least or when bathing. But the thing was that I wasn't satisfied. I yearned to be in a female body, have boobs, a vagina, uterus, long hair, use makeup. But I couldn't. I could not have those things at 12 years old. The reason was my father and the culture I was raised in. It ingrained in me that I was a man. That being a women was being inferior. I won't speak of my childhood more, just that it wasn't an ideal environment for me to be myself. So I chose to not be myself and be what my parents (my father in particular) wanted me to be. Just like that, I repressed a part of me. It was in order to survive in the environment I was being raised. The other option was to embrace myself and let all hell break out and maybe be disown at 15 years old and be in the streets. Idk, that is the route I did not choose so I can only speculate. The point being that I shut down myself to act like the person my family wanted me to be. Now, at 22-23 I realized I was aro and at 24 that I was ace. My gender identity was "men" till 18 and when I went to college I started opening myself more to labels and chose androgynous. The reason being that I did not feel like a man, but also I could not be a women, cuz I wasn't born one. (I know that this is a simplistic way of thinking but it was what I thought at the moment) I knew I wasn't really a man. I could not be a women, so that left me with the middle (if we see it as binary), and for a while that worked out. But now, after having some time outside of the influences of my parents (9 months) I began working out with my gender identity. The thing is that I do not know if I should say I am transgender. For fear of giving bad stereotypes, or realizing I wasn't and if I started speaking about it and then I said I wasn't ot would be hell for me cuz then everything will be said that I was "in a phase; I would grow out of it; etc" and that is not the purpose. I want to be 1000% sure before speaking it out loud to anyone close to me. I want to be confident, and speak with facts, with hard boiled truth without a grain of clumsiness. I will see a therapist and speak about this in the near future, but I want advice on how to know if I would be trans or not. This leads to the second issue: Because I do not like the binary at all, I would be non-binary trans, and that is something I have zero experience with. So anyone who can tell me how that would work and I can explain it without recurring to the internet I will be grateful. I would be amab: assigned male at birth. If anything. So I would be an aroace non-binary trans??? Idk... I don't want to speak it to anyone for fear of rejection. I am begging to shave all days to see if I can make my shadow beard dissapear naturally. I am letting my hair be shoulder lenght. Will buy some makeup to put my face more androgynous or even maybe femenine. I will surely experiment with myself since I am now in a good environment, but I wanted to know the opinions from anyone here. Thanks for reading and o/ <---(this is a waving person)
  19. Thanks everyone for your insight and sorry for being absent this months. Been dealing with some personal stuff but now I am back.
  20. Hi Milo, welcome to the forum and glad you are finding yourself. Like you, I did identified as pansexual for the same reasons, but later I discovered I was ace. Everyone has their own unique experience when it comes to discovering themselves, and coming to terms with it is great ^^ If you have any questions, just ask away and be happy in this safe space. Cheers and here some pie and coffee to celebrate your coming (Insert tasty key lime pie and coffee)
  21. I am in your same boat, but slightly ahead. I graduated and now am entering into another step of my life. I want to pursue grad studies so it is not like I will leave college, but some of my close friends are entering into professional life so it is happening. It is very scary, because amatonormativity is very real even if allos do not see it or are not conscious of it. My words of encouragement are that, even though it's scary as hell, it is a natural process that would have happened even if you weren't aro. People move on with their life, but that doesn't mean its all over. It is up to you to determine if you want to continue to cultivate the bonds you have formed. Each week, try to make them do one activity together. Even if you aren't physically close, a call or playing an online game together helps a lot. My friends and I separate 2-3 hours per Friday or Sunday to see anime or series. You can do something like that, and customize it to your groups of friends. Maybe it will be hard, and some may give up on it, but don't let it put you down. Continue to try, and it isn't like you will not meet new people in this new step of your life ^^ new people are scary but you may find great friends within them. Changes will happen, and it is good to be prepared for them, but don't let it stress you out too much. Talk with your friends, and together come with a plan. I believe is possible, even with allos. Make them see that friendship is just as fulfilling as relationships, because both are valid and there is no hierarchy.
  22. Hi Valerie, I am a bit late to the thread but if you wanted a bit of advice I will gladly give it. From what you said, I think you are within the aro-spec. Nevertheless, your romantic attraction is very valid and important. From what I perceive, you want initial connection but once you connect, it fades. From this lithro or aro are the labels I would think of. However, when you said that you see it as a chore to continue with the relationship I would say that it may be from another source. Let me explain my thoughts on this by giving myself as an example, I did things because it was what society stipulated had to be done for a relationship, not what I wanted to do genuinely. Therefore, because I didn't really wanted to do it I saw it as work. This may happen to you too, at least is my belief. Try to search and be with someone that wants the same as you and put rules in the relationship. Be at ease, and stand your ground and what you believe. Search what you want, and do not go for less. Be a happy lesbian ^^. And if you change the ToR (Terms of relationship) then inform the new terms. See it as business transaction, you give and you receive. No romo if you dont want. Yes sex if you want. No cuddles, yes hand holding, etc. Hope it helps, peace and out :3
  23. Blake

    Life is...

    Life is a series of event that we quantify in the concept of time inside this universe
  24. I want to go by they/them but I am deeply afraid of society and how it would treat me. My family too, because they don't know I am queer (and don't want them to know for the time being). But if given the chance I would use they->she->him (in order of comfyness to me) I don't like societal rules of defining gender since it is people telling me what I am. Doesn't impact my life in a big enough way that I would go out of my way to explain to everyone why I want the change.
  25. I am aroace, with aro being a really important part of my identity. However, it doesn't really conflict with my gender identity since I don't identify neither as male or female but as androgynous. I feel that there is not enough representation for queer characters in the current media, and less about minorities inside that umbrella. I want to identify with someone inside movies, series or just anybody that embraces their queer or non binary identity without relating it to sexual or romantic themes. I understand that one issue in the representation is that "it wouldn't sell; it is boring" so you do not hear in media things that aren't "juicy". That is one problem, or that people criticize without knowing all details. I for one abide for the rule that people should mind their business, so I am against the idea of reading about celebrities life if they do not give their consent. Sorry if I went off topic, yeah my aroness and aceness don't affect much my identity as a person, because I am unique and so are everyone else, so I am cool with the idea of everyone being themselves and we care for everyone equally.
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