Anybody Indifferent to Romance?

[SkyWorld]

I've always considered myself indifferent to romance. I'm not repulsed by it, but I'm also not "head-over-heels" for it. In regards to the media, it's like a hit or miss for me. I either like it or I don't. It's very much 50-50 for me. Some of it can be super annoying and cliche, and some that I think is actually done pretty well and I enjoy watching/reading it.

 

Though, on a more personal note, I can say that this is one of the main reasons (if not the main reason) why I don't identify with any romantic orientation at all. It's not that I'm confused, but just so that I can be more honest with myself. Aromantic is actually the word that best describes me, however being romance indifferent made me worry that I wasn't "aromantic enough".

 

I actually don't think I would mind being in a romantic relationship, though I don't really seek it out. I don't really care much for it and I really do think a QPR would be best for me. When it comes down to it, I just want that companionship. Since I'm indifferent to romance, I don't think I would mind giving it a chance and I don't see why not.

 

Though what concerns me is that it probably wouldn't be the best relationship to have if someone is way more invested in a relationship than I am, when I just have this "go with the flow" attitude. I'd give it a chance, but I suspect it might be mostly one-side... and mostly likely not coming from my end...

 

Yes, some may argue that this doesn't "invalidate" me, but really it's not for others that I choose not to identify with a romantic orientation. I choose so because, like I said, I just want to be more honest with myself and not worry if I'm "aromantic enough".

 

Anyways, anybody indifferent to romance?

[LunarSeas]

I think in the past, I've felt romantic feelings, but they don't seem to hang around long. Or they come and go. I'm not repulsed, but at this point...I think I'm tired? 

 

Like, maybe I could have a companion in the future, but I'm also mostly indifferent to any romance happening. If I have a negative feeling about it, it's just that I'm tired. I'd rather have a FWB or something like that. 

[Saaaro]

I'm pretty indifferent to romance. Before realising I was aro I was in two long term fairly serious romantic relationships. And I didn't hate it, it was just kinda, meh. I never wanted to spend as much time with my partners as they did with me and that lead to a pretty not great dynamic where I would resent them for being clingy and they would resent me for being too withdrawn. So yeah, in my experience the one sidedness isn't great. Especially when you're not aware of your own identity/why it's happening, let alone in a position to explain it.

But you're not alone in not being romance repulsed =).

 

P.S. Your use of "companionship" reminded me of this article which is a pretty good read.

[Lume]

Hum, I don't know whether I could call myself romance indifferent. Generally, I tend to feel like you:

Quote

 In regards to the media, it's like a hit or miss for me. I either like it or I don't. It's very much 50-50 for me. Some of it can be super annoying and cliche, and some that I think is actually done pretty well and I enjoy watching/reading it.

Sometimes, there is this OTP I really sympathize with, and I can be happy and sad for/with them. But of the time, I have the impression that "romance" in the media is some sort of compulsory exercise: the hero(ine) HAS to be romantically involved, that's just how thing go. That's totally annoying, and I am completely indifferent to that (or even repulsed). This "50-50" (although it's more like 70-30 in my case) depends somewhat whether the romance is a cliché or whether it has some surprise. For instance, I tend to sympathise more with same-gender couples. But that's not always the case, though. 

But as much as it may be "indifference" on the average, it's not general indifference, for I really can enjoy good romance, and like to imagine stories with romantic content. 

 

On the other hand, for myself, I don't want to be romantically involved. Maybe it's not repulsion altogether, but it's certainly not a case of "I don't mind", either. So, maybe you could call it indifference with regard to the fact that romance palys no role in my life choices...

 

Gosh, this harmless term of "indifference" is quite complicated!

[Dodgypotato]

I can relate well to what you've said. I'm romance indifferent as well, though leaning on the side of, "I don't want romance in my life." I would like companionship, but I think romance would be a bit too suffocating for me. QPR sounds better.

[Cassiopeia]

Is this something like the concept of sex positive ace but for aromanticism? I think that's what its called. Is it?

[Mark]

Whilst I'm mostly "meh" there are things like mushiness and clinginess which I dislike.

One thing which definitely does repulse me is someone wanting exclusivity (of any kind) with me.

[Nai]

10 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

Is this something like the concept of sex positive ace but for aromanticism? I think that's what its called. Is it?

There's generally 3 types in regards to sex:

• sex positive
• sex indifferent
• sex repulsed

I'm sex indifferent myself. Don't care about it either way. I think the same concept can be applied to romance though, so...

• romance positive
• romance indifferent
• romance repulsed

I'm guessing? I suppose I'd be romance indifferent or romance positive in that regard.

[owl]

I think I'm more romance indifferent than anything else. I'm pretty repulsed by PDA but I'm fine with romance in tv shows, books... 

[pearl]

I think I am romance indifferent as I am more kind of like "I don't feel romance but I can fake it if need be." So I could do the romance stuff but it wouldn't be genuine. 

[Cassiopeia]

Oh, okay. I guess I'm a mix of romance indifferent and romance repulsed depending on the context.

[omitef]

4 hours ago, Nai said:

There's generally 3 types in regards to sex:

• sex positive
• sex indifferent
• sex repulsed

I'm sex indifferent myself. Don't care about it either way. I think the same concept can be applied to romance though, so...

• romance positive
• romance indifferent
• romance repulsed

I'm guessing? I suppose I'd be romance indifferent or romance positive in that regard.

 

That's actually what I was about to say--you beat me to it! Haha.

 

From what I've seen in this forum, I agree that aromanticism is a spectrum, kind of like asexuality. Personally, as someone who's lithromantic, I'm generally romance-positive until my crush starts reciprocating, which will make me romance-repulsed. But I've noticed that my attitudes towards romance can change drastically depending on my relationships with other people. Before I became passionate friends with my squish, I was quite romance-positive, and even convinced that I could "suppress" my romance-repulsion "for the right person." But then after I became passionate friends with my squish, I became completely romance-indifferent. Romance just seemed so unnecessary, and even absurd, now that I was such good friends with her. It's probably one of the best results I could've gotten from life.

[SkyWorld]

In regards to the "positive" and "repulsion" part, I think it depends on how exactly people define it, since it's another one of those words.

 

Some people may consider "positive" as "favorable". Which is one of the reasons why I don't say that I'm sex positive because people may assume that I'm sex favorite, when I'm really sex repulsed. But I may consider myself sex positive in the fact that as long as the people involved are consenting and it's legal and safe, then they are more than welcome to do what they please (I just would like to be spared the details).

 

Anyways, about the whole romance thing. I agree the whole mushy stuff doesn't really appeal to me. Well, maybe I would give cuddling a shot. Some of the traditional romantic stuff just seems pretty boring... Though like I said, it's really the companionship that greatly appeals to me. Which is why, yes, I'd prefer a QPR, I "suppose" I wouldn't mind it from a romantic relationship. I don't know, I'm just very "meh" about romance. 

 

21 hours ago, Saaaro said:

P.S. Your use of "companionship" reminding me of this article which is a pretty good read.

 

I read it and I'm glad I did. I thought it was very interesting

[Nylese]

Some of the topics on this forum have made me think about how I've always easily been indifferent to romance in media (which is like, all of any type of media), but then it devastates me when all I can do is sit through conversations my friends have about romantic love. My favorite music genre is R&B and I ship fictional couples all the time. I should probably be thankful not everything crushes my soul in that same way.

[PhysicsOwl]

23 hours ago, Nai said:

There's generally 3 types in regards to sex:

• sex positive
• sex indifferent
• sex repulsed

Not to be pedantic, but there's a difference between general attitude towards sex and personal attitudes to sex, so this terminology isn't what's usually used for personal attitudes.. Sex positive is usually used as the opposite of sex negative, and means someone who encourages everyone to have sex in whatever way they want as long as its safe and consensual (ie sex positive feminism). For personal attitudes towards sex, people usually use sex favorable. Also some people use sex averse as another point in the spectrum for people who don't want sex but aren't actively repulsed by it. But we can use the equivalents for romance for sure. 

[Nai]

1 minute ago, PhysicsOwl said:

Not to be pedantic, but there's a difference between general attitude towards sex and personal attitudes to sex, so this terminology isn't what's usually used for personal attitudes.. Sex positive is usually used as the opposite of sex negative, and means someone who encourages everyone to have sex in whatever way they want as long as its safe and consensual (ie sex positive feminism). For personal attitudes towards sex, people usually use sex favorable. Also some people use sex averse as another point in the spectrum for people who don't want sex but aren't actively repulsed by it. But we can use the equivalents for romance for sure. 

I've seen the two terms used interchangeably, in my own experience. I don't use it very frequently because I rarely ever talk about it, haha. But if favorable is the more accurate or correct term, then that is the term that I meant to use.  

[EveryZig]

I definitely feel pretty indifferent to romance. I am not interested in it myself, but I can't think of a time I was particularly bothered by other people doing it (though that might be due to not paying all that much attention to the social activity of other people). In fiction I also don't really mind romance, and sometimes find it kind of cute (and the same goes for shipping). I guess my general opinion of romance is that I don't see myself doing it, but I find it ok as a spectator sport.

[Confirmed Bachelor]

I'm indifferent about romance. I have no feelings one way or the other about it other than I have no desire for it. 

[Holmbo]

I have no problem with fictional romance. I don't mind it as subplot of stories and can even enjoy it if it's done well.

But in real life I think I'm slightly romance repulsed. When someone expresses romantic interest in me they most often seem possessive and impersonal to me.

[UncommonNonsense]

I'm indifferent to romance, generally.  I do find it difficult to understand (which may be more an autistic thing than an aro thing), and some of it's tropes bother me because so many are anti-feminist, abusive, or unhealthy (ie. possessiveness, pursuing a person after they have expressed disinterest, the happy ending being that the woman is so exhausted by the man's relentless pursuit and unwanted 'romantic' gestures that she gives in and agrees to date/have sex with him) , but I'm not repulsed by it in the way that I'm repulsed by sex.  Maybe more that I find certain specific romantic behaviours repulsive rather than the entire... er.. genre?  Theme?  Don't know what exactly to call it.  
I don't mind reading some romantic stories (hell, one of my most favourite stories is a romantic/gothic one that has a few of the tropes that usually bother me, but they don't in this story) if it is done well, and I can see the point of romantic subplots in many stories.  The ones that bother me are the type where it's very overblown (Most romance novels), the romantic subplot is just kind of shoehorned in without purpose beyond giving fan service (thanks for that term, anime), or the romantic tropes used offend me (anti-feminist, violent, possessive, coercive, etc).

IRL, well, I avoid relationships, so it doesn't come up often.  But so much of romantic dating seems scripted and almost... impersonal.  You kiss by x date, you buy/get roses by y date, you have sex by z date.  And the things you do on dates are also scripted, and seem to happen regardless of the interests/personalities of the people involved.  It's coffee, then a movie. then dinner at a fancy place, etc.  Maybe the people would rather do something else... but certain activities are more romantically coded, so that's what they do.  So, while I don't find this stuff repulsive, I do find it boring.  Totally Yawnsville, man.  

 

[SoulWolf]

On 25 October 2016 at 5:11 AM, UncommonNonsense said:

But so much of romantic dating seems scripted and almost... impersonal.  You kiss by x date, you buy/get roses by y date, you have sex by z date.  And the things you do on dates are also scripted, and seem to happen regardless of the interests/personalities of the people involved.  It's coffee, then a movie. then dinner at a fancy place, etc. 

Do real human beings actually follow this script in real life though? I've always seen this stuff on TV shows and movies, and just assumed that actual real people don't really behave that way. I mean, I don't know any who do... but then I don't really pay attention to the type of people who probably would, if such people exist... or maybe that's just a US thing?

[UncommonNonsense]

8 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

Do real human beings actually follow this script in real life though? I've always seen this stuff on TV shows and movies, and just assumed that actual real people don't really behave that way. I mean, I don't know any who do... but then I don't really pay attention to the type of people who probably would, if such people exist... or maybe that's just a US thing?

 

Well, I'm ace, aro, and sex-repulsed, so yeah, I no longer date, but this was very much the way it was when I was in HS and Uni, and the few times I've given dating a try in the last decade, that's the way it's been in my experience.  The activities for romance-coded interactions are strangely limited.  Granted, there seem to be a lot more options for daters who want to break free of the script now, and that is awesome!  Young people seem to be more in favour of the 'Just Hanging Out Together' date, which I think is pretty great - it costs nothing and seems like a good way to really get to know the person you're dating.  There are now businesses offering things like pottery instruction dates, roller skating dates, brewery tour dates, and other less-typical options for couples, but these are still rare and it takes much more effort to set them up than your standard movie date. 

I suspect this is why the typical, standard, scripted dating options still thrive.  They're strongly romance-coded, but they don't take a lot of thought to set up and do right, and they have an easily followed pattern of escalation - coffee date, then movie date, then dinner-and-movie date, then fancier restaurant date, etc.  Plus, the first few of these dating options are less expensive, appealing to someone who would rather not sink a lot of cash into a relationship until they get some idea of whether that relationship has the potential to be long-lasting... or at least go in the direction they want it to.  

 

 

[Mark]

On 25/10/2016 at 4:11 AM, UncommonNonsense said:

But so much of romantic dating seems scripted and almost... impersonal.  You kiss by x date, you buy/get roses by y date, you have sex by z date.  And the things you do on dates are also scripted, and seem to happen regardless of the interests/personalities of the people involved.  It's coffee, then a movie. then dinner at a fancy place, etc.  Maybe the people would rather do something else... but certain activities are more romantically coded, so that's what they do.  So, while I don't find this stuff repulsive, I do find it boring.  Totally Yawnsville, man.  

This is somewhat how I see romantic relationships, especially after I discovered that the "relationship escalator" is an actual thing...
I also have some big issues around gender role assumptions in respect of "dating".
 

6 hours ago, UncommonNonsense said:

Well, I'm ace, aro, and sex-repulsed, so yeah, I no longer date, but this was very much the way it was when I was in HS and Uni, and the few times I've given dating a try in the last decade, that's the way it's been in my experience.  The activities for romance-coded interactions are strangely limited.  Granted, there seem to be a lot more options for daters who want to break free of the script now, and that is awesome!  Young people seem to be more in favour of the 'Just Hanging Out Together' date, which I think is pretty great - it costs nothing and seems like a good way to really get to know the person you're dating.  There are now businesses offering things like pottery instruction dates, roller skating dates, brewery tour dates, and other less-typical options for couples, but these are still rare and it takes much more effort to set them up than your standard movie date.

Don't really get why these sorts of things have to be for couples.
As for movies seems far more fun to go with some friends who are interested in seeing the film

 

[cute kitty Meow! Mewo!]

I kind of like romance, but kind of hate it too. does this count as indifference? hehe... 

[aussiekirkland]

On 25/10/2016 at 2:03 AM, Holmbo said:

I have no problem with fictional romance. I don't mind it as subplot of stories and can even enjoy it if it's done well.

But in real life I think I'm slightly romance repulsed. When someone expresses romantic interest in me they most often seem possessive and impersonal to me.

I'm much the same. I enjoy shipping and well written romantic subplots in moderation but I get mildly uncomfortable when other people talk about romance, and extremely so when it's about me.