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Everything posted by omitef

  1. I've seen cupio content, but I don't remember where? I think on tumblr. It was about a cupio complaining about how people said aros wanting a romo relationship was just internalized arophobia aromisia and how that was BS. I've always felt like a bad aro since realizing I could experience romantic attraction. I hate the fact that I'm attracted to people, because to me, all intimacy is performative. I don't want to spend the rest of my life fulfilling someone else's idealized image of who they think I am. Like...that's what attraction is to me. Flawed logic that should be something I can reason myself out of. (Granted, I'm also autistic so it's been hard for me to understand why [my own] emotions should be treated different than thoughts or beliefs). I'm currently in a romantic relationship with someone, who knew I was aromantic, but was also aware that aromanticism (like asexuality) is a spectrum. So they're super understanding about things. In general I'm fortunate enough that they're not super stereotypical about their romance expectations, and we both give each other a lot of space to live our own lives. One thing that generally bugs me is that people assume romance automatically means possessiveness, coercive hierarchy, being attached at the hip, etc. but it honestly doesn't have to be. There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting any form of intimacy, so long as the practice of it isn't hurting others.
  2. @Ice Queen I meant that everything you said is super relatable. "Since he is not available anymore, abstinence is like second nature to me. I don't even feel the need to... you know." Yeah basically.
  3. Me, pretend I'm too cool for my squish because I know we're incompatible as friends? It's more likely than you think,,, 💀

  4. And fifth (final) section's been posted. Yes, I am a big fan of fucked up plot twists, why do you ask? Good news: I've been invited to talk on my friend's radio show about this short story, and voidpunk, either at the end of July or early August. Will be posting transcript/recording of it here, when it happens.
  5. Fourth section's up. In Soh Ahnu, instead of "I'm in a relationship" we say
  6. Third section's been completed. In Soh Ahnu, instead of "I love you" we say
  7. Shit thanks; I appreciate that. The second section is done, btw
  8. I had an idea that I was musing over in the Arocalypse Discord, about writing a voidpunk fairytale, featuring a civilization of humanoids with a magical conception of relationships and gender. I'm cross-posting the short story here as I work on it. It will have 5 sections, each of which are <= 800 words, and will become progressively shorter as the story continues. I'm extra, made up a super simple language called Soh Ahnu, just for the sake of this story. Will be including translations of words section by section below: The first section is done (pasted below for folks' convenience). The second section is done. CW for misgendering and binary language: Third section is done. Fourth section is done. And this is the fifth and final section.
  9. I'm romance-repulsed but I like soft-romo or, like, super reserved displays of romance, that carry power because the feeling is too strong to be named. I rewatched the first Pirates of the Caribbean a couple years ago, and I really liked Will and Elizabeth's portrayals of intimacy. There's a scene when they get reunited and they just stare into each other's eyes and grin. Wishing all IRL PDA could just be like that.
  10. I'm making Facebook posts about aromanticism (will be updating as days go on). Feel free to share. 0. Breaking down the hierarchy of romance over friendship 1. What is aromanticism? 2. How do aromantic people have relationships?
  11. WELCOME! I'm also 20 and suffering in college
  12. I just got into an open relationship with someone that I'm very romantically attracted to. It feels amazing to be around them, there's just constantly a logical detachment while I'm around them, where I physically and emotionally feel happy, but mentally think that the situation is absolutely ridiculous. I'm intensely aware of the feeling that I've lost control over my own heart. I'm romance-repulsed by my own feelings, and it makes me uncomfortable. But I want to work through the uncomfortable feelings for them.
  13. i found an intellectual fuckbuddy


    we only get together to ruthlessly psychoanalyze, debate, and motivate each other, and that's it


    it's really surreal

    1. shotinthehand



      I know a guy with whom I disagree on a lot of issues but we have a lot of respect for each other as debaters but we don't hang out for other purposes really and one time he gave me a handshake bc I just quipped at his expense savagely. I enjoy our relationship

  14. Had this realization after talking with @Dodecahedron314 on Discord: As someone who just experienced romance for the first time as a greyro, I feel that romance is less about what you do with someone, but more about how you feel with someone. The major difference I've noticed between romantic and platonic feelings is ego. I feel like there's much more ego involved in romance--it's all about how me and my crush can fit into each other's lives. In friendship, I feel my ego is less present. I just want my friend/squish to be happy, not necessarily in a way that's dependent on how we fit into each other's lives. For example, I've noticed that I can have a squish, and not desire a queerplatonic relationship. But when I have a crush, I desire a romantic relationship, and I feel like I won't be satisfied unless I'm in a romantic relationship with my crush. Why is a romantic relationship so desirable in the case of a crush, for me? Because of the benefit of couples privilege. First off, it's socially acceptable to publicly be affectionate with someone, romantically, than platonically. And when I have a crush, I want my affection towards them to be socially recognized and legitimized. But more importantly, I want my crush to recognize and legitimize my affection, specifically through a romantic relationship, because it formally acknowledges that I have a special role in their life. How does this differ from a queerplatonic relationship? Again, lack of ego. My interactions and displays of affection for my queerplatonic partner, are less about us recognizing that we are special to each other, and more about recognizing the specialness of the bond we share. Bonus: How does this differ from a special interest (for my neurodivergent aros)?
  15. Hello, Emily! Welcome to Arocalypse. Have a papo.
  16. For me, it's how much I desire emotional closeness with them, or more negatively, how much stress is involved in trying to make the friendship as great as possible. For people I'm queerplatonic with, I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could spend more time with them, about how I can get to know them better. I will strategize ways to engage with them intimately, to ask them to hang out, and make them happy. There's a strong sense of urgency, and desire for perfectionism involved, which can sometimes result in more stressful interactions. I'll think about our friendship in a long-term sense, and whether I'm ready to commit to be their support for life. For people I'm platonic with, everything is casual. I don't frequently think about how I could spend more time with them--I just seek them out when I feel like hanging out with them, or talking to them. I'm not thinking about the future of our friendship--frankly, it's not something that I care about. There's very little anxiety involved, because I feel like there's less at stake. I'm not planning ahead when it comes to building intimacy, and because I'm not planning ahead, there's no fear of messing up. Disclaimer: This is just my personal view of things. The way I express affection is by treating my relationships like a coding assignment, where I'm striving to write the most elegant code to maximize their happiness, hence the emphasis on perfectionism and planning. If you do not understand relationships within such a formulaic framework, this advice may be completely inapplicable.
  17. Hey, Ryan, It actually sounds like your ex is pretty sure of what she feels? I don't see how explaining that there's nothing wrong with being aromantic would encourage her to marry you. As an aromantic person who's had exit romantic relationships several times, I think what prompted me to leave wasn't insecurity about my aromantic identity, but stress from trying to force myself to do things I didn't want to, to meet the needs of my non-aromantic partner. Your ex said that the only reason she didn't want to marry you was "lack of feeling." Forgive me for being blunt, but what is the purpose of asking more questions here, when she's given you such a clear answer? I don't understand what there is to "work out" between you two--if a person doesn't want to do romantic things with you, because they don't have romantic feelings, shouldn't you just accept how they feel, and stop trying to do romantic things with them? If she doesn't want to marry you, or be in a relationship with you anymore, there's nothing you can do to change that. It's not your fault that she has no feelings for you. It's not that you didn't try hard enough as a partner. Feelings don't follow logic and they're outside our realm of control. But what you can control is how you react to how she feels about you. I know that it's hard to let go of her. But it's going to hurt more if you keep holding onto unrealistic expectations for both of you. And if you're holding onto unrealistic expectations until she shuts you down 100%, then you're just delaying the inevitable. On being aromantic, there are many posts on this site, where people share their experiences of being aro. Medical journals, not so much, but I don't think that scientific research has been very respectful or understanding of the LGBT+ community to start with. I can talk about my experiences with ending relationships as an aromantic person. Maybe they'll help you gain some insight into how she feels. It took me a long time to realize I was aromantic. The first relationship I had, was with a good friend of mine, and I really wanted things to work out. But throughout the entire relationship, I felt like I was just going through the motions. It stressed me out whenever she wanted to hold hands, kiss, or make out with me. At first I thought it was just social anxiety, and after breaking up with her, I made a point of getting into more relationships to build confidence. That was a bad idea. I remember Googling "how to break up with someone" moments after agreeing to be their boyfriend. The entire concept of relationships just felt extremely alienating to me. I knew what a good boyfriend was supposed to do, but I didn't understand why. Yes, you do things with your partner, because you love them, but I never felt anything remotely similar to romantic love during all my past relationships. I felt the stress of an actor onstage, of someone pretending to be a person they are not. I felt the excitement of planning gifts for my partners, of optimizing formulas to make them happy; I was more focused on building those formulas, than I was on building a connection with them. I understood romance theoretically, but not in practice. I eventually stopped trying to force myself into romantic relationships, because I realized I was just doing it for the sake of other people around me. I couldn't muster the courage to say "no" to romantic relationships, until I accepted that I didn't want to be in them. And I bet your ex probably thought the same. I wish you the best of luck in wrestling with your confusion, and in accepting the conclusion of your relationship. I'm sorry that it took something as major as a proposal to end things between you, but with these things, it's better late than never.
  18. Yo Several of us here have also struggled with depression and mental health issues--you're not alone. As someone who also has depression, and done self-harm mysef, I can relate to the stress that you're suffering. I'm so glad that you're reaching out for help, and that you're still trying, even though you're feeling overwhelmed right now. I've made a lot of friends through the Arocalypse Discord chat (invitation link here). We have a ranting channel there, where people often go when they need support. Another online resource (which has been, admittedly, hit-or-miss) is 7 Cups of Tea, which is a free, 24/7 counselling chatroom. I know we don't know each other, but if you ever want to vent or talk about anything, you can PM me anytime.
  19. tfw your romantic orientation is suddenly in questioning mode




    I'm enraged

  20. what if instead of calling ourselves aromantic, we just threw green heart emoji cutouts at everyone /sarcasm my objection to changing "aromantic" is i want my arrow puns
  21. I'm not so sure about that--there are relationship anarchists who do experience romantic attraction, and polyamorous folks who feel very strongly about keeping their relationships non-hierarchical, treating love as abundant, rather than a competition. There's a fine line between pointing out toxic monogamy, and between dictating desire. My best friend is one of the most monogamous people I know, and she openly admits to struggling with romantic jealousy--and we often try to figure out whether her jealousy is coming from a place of insecurity, or legitimate concern. And she helps me check my insecurity-driven lack of trust in my queerplatonic relationships. Even though both of our relationship values and styles are vastly different, we're still able to help each other work through our unhealthy tendencies, without blaming our relationship orientation.
  22. I have really mixed feelings about physical contact. I hate frequent physical contact, and casual physical contact. Physical contact is something that's really special to me, because it's such a psychologically intense experience, which is why I generally only do it with my QPPs. Even then it's something that I have to be in the mood for. I think what I struggle with more though, is how other people perceive my physical intimacy with my QPPs. Currently, both of my QPPs are dating, and to minimize any potential accusations of "emotional cheating" I've preemptively banned myself from all physical intimacy except for occasional hugs, unless they are the ones initiating. I'd love to be more physically intimate with my QPPs, but I am not interested in pursuing my happiness at the expense of their other intimate relationships. "Yeah, but if their partners are so toxic and jealous maybe they shouldn't be dating those partners?" True, but that's something they need to decide for themselves. It doesn't justify me playing homewrecker. Besides, what's "toxic" to an aro often seems to be "necessary" to an allo...and who am I to tell them what their needs are?
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