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Singlehood and aromanticism


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I distinguish aros who desire to be single* and aros who desire a companionship intrinsically. I belong in the former category.

 

* They might still choose to bond for non-platonic (incl. rational) reasons (legal benefits, safer sex and so on).

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I don't really know of there is a link, personally. But I know that I'm much too independent to be in relationships in general, although there have been two exceptions in my life. It's my temper, I love company but I really hate feeling dependent and making others feel dependent, I need freedom and giving it up (even just part of it) is a huge sacrifice I would be willing to do for almost no one. I don't think that there are separate categories, but probably more degrees towards wanting more freedom or more interdependence that sort of look like categories.

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1 hour ago, aroMa(n)tisse said:

I distinguish aros who desire to be single* and aros who desire a companionship intrinsically. I belong in the former category.

 

* They might still choose to bond for non-platonic (incl. rational) reasons (legal benefits, safer sex and so on).

I feel like even when I do want companionship I still think of myself as single. 

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20 minutes ago, Natkat said:

I feel like even when I do want companionship I still think of myself as single. 

 

Well, there are indeed various 'degrees of freedom' spanning a continuum (not even a linear spectrum) like having a common household as opposed to living 'apart together' in the same area or long-distance conversations. In the latter two cases, one remains technically single.

 

Anyway, I've misinterpreted OP's question as usual :facepalm:

 

Solitude and aromanticism aren't equal even in my hypoplatonic case because solitude requires having a household separate from the relatives, whereas aromanticism doesn't.

 

Formally, I'm still not single (because my current habitation is owned by a relative instead of me, my only right for it is the lifelong right of abode), though I'm going to become one next year. And mind that I'm one of those rare individuals who don't feel familial bonding.

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Quite the opposite, actually. Although I do function well as a lone wolf, but the ideal would be a pack, with a good group dynamic and balanced personalities/interests.

 

The concept of being "taken" is is quite weird, I do not want to belong to other people in a possessive sense. But being single doesn't fit either. More like part of a team type of companionship? (Not sure how many would be the ideal team. Could be just two, could be more...the important thing is the dynamic)

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4 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

Quite the opposite, actually. Although I do function well as a lone wolf, but the ideal would be a pack, with a good group dynamic and balanced personalities/interests.

 

The concept of being "taken" is is quite weird, I do not want to belong to other people in a possessive sense. But being single doesn't fit either. More like part of a team type of companionship? (Not sure how many would be the ideal team. Could be just two, could be more...the important thing is the dynamic)

This is basically me. I wouldn't be physically intimate with anyone (cause that just makes me feel super awkward), but living with 2-3 friends would be my ideal situation.

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I don't know if I'd say synonymous, but being single/loner is an important part of my personality and I feel like aromantism is ,in one hand, kinda part of it, in the other hand, a separate factor that emphasize my need for independence and lone time.

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4 hours ago, Ugh... said:

I don't know if I'd say synonymous, but being single/loner is an important part of my personality and I feel like aromantism is ,in one hand, kinda part of it, in the other hand, a separate factor that emphasize my need for independence and lone time.

I'm very much like this.

It's sometimes hard to separate 'wanting to be alone' from my aromanticism. But if I think carefully about it, personality-wise I appreciate having alone time and have a hard time giving it up for whomever there is, so I get the feeling that my aromanticism sort of co-exists inside me and helps me get this 'being by myself' need fulfilled.. ^_^

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On 2016. 06. 12. at 1:40 AM, Zemaddog said:

This is basically me. I wouldn't be physically intimate with anyone (cause that just makes me feel super awkward), but living with 2-3 friends would be my ideal situation.

I thought we were talking about emotional bonds, not physical stuff?

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Just now, Cassiopeia said:

I thought we were talking about emotional bonds, not physical stuff?

I was just stating that any emotional bonds I form probably won't cause me to want me to be physical with anyone.

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Yes, for me, it's the same, just as being asexual belongs here. I know that these three concepts, being single, defining as aromantic and defining as asexual, and you could also add, being celibate and living alone, are distinct, and need to be analytical separated. But humans often refuse to function like that, and since these definitions came to me simoultanously (i.e., I always self-defined as aromantic AND asexual), I am not able to separate them. 

Maybe there's another thing to it: does anyone have a reliable definition for "being aromantic", except for "not feeling romantic attraction"? I know that I do not experience romantic attraction, but I cannot word this feeling except for: even if I like, or love, a person really, really much and look forward to seeing them, I do not want to have a romantic relationship with them. (Additionally, I have discovered that obviously, romantic attraction comes with several corporeal sensations I have never expereinced, either.)

 

I am not aplatonic, though. That means, I value firendships very much and am emotionally atached to them. And, as I said, I sometimes feel very connected to a  person emotionally, which *may* look, on the surface, just like a crush, but isn't. Still, I do not need to be around them much, a few hours several times a moth is enough. But that depends on my mood, as well. 

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I don't really have an identity of being 'single'. Perhaps this is because I didn't realise romance wasn't a game until I was about 18. I identify as aromantic, and asexual, and perhaps agender. But I don't have a feeling of being single or being a solitude person (in relation to whatever).

 

I guess I am an independent person though, if I think about it. I, like @Lume, value friendships a lot. I don't tend to give second chances when someone does something to betray my trust, and the vast majority of my relationships are platonic (the other being family). I wouldn't mind living with a friend, but I would much, much prefer living alone. Perhaps that is connected with my aromanticism. I've never really thought about it I guess. I just thought that I like my space. I can't deal being physically intimate with someone unless I'm extremely close to them emotionally, as I found out when I stayed at a friend's place a few weeks ago. Even her trying to hug me or touch me really got on my nerves after a while. I really need some time alone or I go nuts.

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On 11/06/2016 at 9:32 PM, Cassiopeia said:

Quite the opposite, actually. Although I do function well as a lone wolf, but the ideal would be a pack, with a good group dynamic and balanced personalities/interests.

My idea would more of a  "network" than a "group".

 

On 11/06/2016 at 9:32 PM, Cassiopeia said:

The concept of being "taken" is is quite weird, I do not want to belong to other people in a possessive sense. But being single doesn't fit either.

The term which fits me best is "solo". I want connections with people which are not of the exclusive, bundled, couply type.
 

On 11/06/2016 at 9:32 PM, Cassiopeia said:

 (Not sure how many would be the ideal team. Could be just two, could be more...the important thing is the dynamic)

Exactly. Which is why I find being asked about "ideal partner" or ideal partner numbers to make little sense.

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I'm pretty sure that if I had desired a romantic relationship in my life, I would have had it by now. So, being grey-ro and being single are kind of synonymous to me. I realize there are people out there that are not aromantic and are happily single. I might be quite similar to these types of people.

 

I am fiercely independent. I like some aspects of "codependency" and yet it mostly feels icky to me. I like being able to take care of all my own needs. But which came first? The lack of desire for relationships or the independence? Did my independence grow out of lack of romantic relationships? Or does my independence make me feel repulsed about entering a romantic relationship? Or perhaps there is no cause and effect here?

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On 11.6.2016 at 7:30 PM, Natkat said:

I feel like even when I do want companionship I still think of myself as single. 

Same. I'd like the pack, even on an emotional level (the shared living thing I wrote about), but I'd probably still consider myself single. After all I'd still have my room, my bank account, my job, my space, or as some of you put it: my independence. Sure I'd like to share some stuff, but I'd really fear being to codependent on anyone. 

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I don't know if I'd call it synonymous, but I consider myself single up until the point that people affect the day to day living of my life, in the event we've specifically had a conversation discussing the ramifications of that and come to an agreement on what that means for each of us. Even when that happens, I'm still aro though I may not be "single", but I'm always single unless those very specific things happen, and in terms of my own self I remain a single unit, even if I'm not considered single by popular definition. (I don't even think that makes sense)

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I don't see my being single as synonymous with me being aro, but they are definitely connected somehow.  I am romance-repulsed, so it's likely I'll stay single forever.  I guess I'd be open to a QPR as long as not romance or sex was involved, but it's not really something I'm seeking out.

 

I just want friends really.  Friendship is more than enough to keep me happy :)

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  • 4 months later...

I've been single for my entire life and had 'crush-like infatuations' that I've realized when I started to get older were just me being a complete twit of myself. Never been on a date and never got attracted to guys that easily. Even though I keep telling myself that I'll try going into the dating scene/be in a relationship once I'm done with my studies and started to work, it never ever crossed my mind to prioritize to do both after I graduated. Then there's my predominant repulsion to both romance and sex (despite being gray) after what I went through as a bullying and catfishing victim and my fear of being hurt again and hurting others.

 

So, TMI-ish long story short, yeah. I equate my predominantly repulsed complex gray-aromanticism with my singlehood.

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This is actually a big problem for me.

 

I actively try and make friends, i mainly get along better with females, and most of them end up suggesting dating.  after a while i say sure... but instantly regret it, it doesn't take long at all before they start mentioning how i seem really cold.  i do nice things but just cold....

 

I have a problem with guilt really.

I am way happier and more productive when i am single, but sometimes i want companionship.... but due to how i feel.  it doesn't go well.   so really i would love just a mutual close friendship and that would be enough for me.   but most people don't feel the same way, they want romantic relationships, and even if they don't want one with me, being so close to me would stop them from getting into that type of relationship with someone else.

 

I have dated a lot, but definitely prefer how i am as a person when i am single.

 

I don't tie being aromantic with single,  but i can see how unless you found the right person who felt the same way (another Aro most likely),  being in a relationship is either impossible or very uncomfortable, or just totally undesired.

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I'm a solitary critter, but emotionally, I function better when I live with a relative or close platonic friend (or small group of family/platonic friends).  My depression is not as pronounced, my energy level is higher, I feel physically safer, my tendency toward self-injury diminishes almost to the point of no longer being there, and I am not as effected by autistic inertia when I live in that kind of household.

 

For me, my aromanticism is very tied up with my asexuality, my sex-repulsion, my autism, and my singleness.  It is kind of hard for me to see any one of these things as a separate, distinct entity.  They're all muddled up together, effected profoundly by each other. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I see myself as a lone wolf type. I'm very independent, even though I still live with my parents, and the only people I've really formed strong (platonic) emotional bonds with have been other women.

Unless I get acquainted with - through work or something - or "interested" in a guy, they barely appear on my radar. I don't really gel with men and have never been 'just good friends' with one. I think it could be at least partly to do with my Asperger's - I'm not very social in real life most of the time, prefer being alone or with certain people, and find it hard to make bonds or feel genuinely attached to most others.

So, I know now that romance definitely doesn't work for me (and I don't have much, if any desire to look for it when I'm single either), but I can also see that a QPP would be unlikely to happen for me as well. Maybe there really isn't anything I need from a relationship? I certainly didn't know what it was I wanted or needed from my ex.

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I'm 27 and have always been single. I've never been given grief for it. If anything I've had the opposite, as a handful of people have asked me if I have a partner, replied "I'm not that stupid!" rather jokingly and 99% of the time people laughed.

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