Kojote

Still alive. Still kept busy by live. Almost done with studies though. Once I got a stable home/income/dailyrountine kinda thing going, I'll come back to these.

@Mark Might have been unclear. I meant people are usually like "let's date/try a relationship" with "hook up". So it's romance in mind, not one night stands. It's also not the majority of people who do this. It's just more prevalent with hetero guys. Yes, same here. How people go romance first even though they literally don't know jackshit about the person in question is mind boggling to me. How could someone possibly know that they'd want that person in their life without anything to base that on apart from looks and first impression? Does not compute o__o Another thing I've noticed is that I really can't tell what intentions the person might have, when approaching me. Are they flirting because romance? Or do they wanna hook up? Or are they just friendly in general? So when in doubt, my aro-mind usually aborts the mission Like "nooo, brain calculates a hazy 30-70% chance of romantic intentions do not take risks! abort! abort!"

Oh I so feel you guys there. I've got the gray in front of my sexuality, simply because I'm celibate due to the fact that I don't think it's worth the hassle. I don't technically want to be. I sometimes dream of a circle of poly friends I'd be attracted to without having to commit to anything. Because there sure is a lot of stuff I want to try but my aro-ness sure won't let me. There's also the issue of me, not really being all that attracted to men anymore (at least I thought I used to be more open in this regard, but maybe I never was, I'm not sure. Since I can't really experiment with my sexuality, it's difficult for me to tell). I find it hard to interact with het men sometimes. I love them as friends and I do have a lot of close guy friendships, but there's always this awkwardness whenever I meet a hetero guy that's single for the first time. I just don't trust them not to try the whole "you're single, I'm single let's hook up and see what happens"-routine. Like at all. Maybe it's just me, but I've begun to really notice that a lot of first time interactions with single people can be about potential romantic partners and not about potential friendships/just getting to know the person on a neutral basis. Like why is that? Why is the first activity you do with a person you just met automatically the "first date" and not just "an activity where you get to know each other, no strings attached"? This whole "romance first" stuff really bothers me. I'm not a ONS person either. I'd actually like to trust my partner, but the whole "romance trumps all" routine is like a huge wall my aroness simply won't let me ignore. Maybe I would like to sleep with them, maybe I won't, but this way I'll sure as hell won't ever find out. As for women and NBs, I haven't made the effort of joining LGBT spaces, yet. I'm a bit afraid to, but I might try soon. As far as I've heard, they can be really romance-coded as well, which makes me a bit nervous. Triggering a situation in which somebody I care about get's hurt because I can't reciprocate isn't a situation I ever want to be in again. And that feeling is so strong that it renders my actual sexual orientation irrelevant. Just... to many strings attached.

Yeah that's true, it always depends on the person you're talking to. But, like, I won't deny there are assholes out there, but I always try to presume ignorance over malevolence. Most people just never thought about it and have no idea how to react. That being said, if a person won't stop spouting hurtful nonsense I won't mince my words either.

I do not like the prospect of stuff being intrinsically masculine or feminine at all. I used to be really opposed to all things fem(TM) when I was younger, cause I'm AFAB. No crying, no dresses, no pink, no dolls, no nothing. Still, I used makeup to manage my acne. I shaved because I liked the smoothness of my skin and I had really really really long hair. I liked those things, but I always felt a bit conflicted about them. Over time, I learned that swimming against the stream is still putting the stream in the center of your worldview. Instead of, you know... yourself. So what if I liked shaving or used make up or liked my hair long back when I was little? Why are those female-only anyway? Why should I have to go against all of those things to "prove" that I'm Agender? I should just like and do and have whatever makes me happy. No matter it's fem/masc coding. You want to doll up and party hard to feel good about yourself? That's fine, have a great night~ You really don't wanna bother shaving, hate make up and would rather spend a quite night at home with a good book to feel at peace? You go girl =) Why should one form of self-care be overall superior to another. Society be weird I had (male) friends who'd say stuff like that and I'd always tease back like this: "you'd look so pretty in a dress" "so you like dresses" "yeah" "then why don't you wear it ;D" "wha.. no.. that's..I'd feel awkward" "exactly!" I've also worn suits to formal stuff like weddings before. You get a few side eyes, but overall it's not a big deal. That being said, I have really liberal friends. Most of my hetero cis guy friends have no problem kissing each other or wearing dresses for fun or showing up at a Rocky Horror picture party in a corset! They do tease me about my lack of femininity but in a friendly banter type of way and I usually take it as a compliment

I don't think it's intrinsically a bad thing if people ask "why". I actually like that, since it means that people are curious and want to learn. I mean, there's a huge difference between curiosity and devaluation and I always like to welcome the former =D I'm like Cas, I usually try to find similar experiences they can relate to. Most people have had their fair share of one sided crushes or had someone crush on them one sidedly, so that's always a good start. Another approach is sexuality. Like, just f.exp., if I'm talking to a hetero guy or girl, I can draw comparisons to their same-sex friends/same-sex people in general. They are great right? You really love and cherish them, u might even kiss them, but there sure is a difference between them and your romantic interests. No matter how much they mean to you or how close you are, you just can't see them in that way at all. Now imagine them being in love with you, while knowing you can't reciprocate. Not a nice thought, right? Now imagine that being the case with everyone, not only the sex you're not attracted to. I also like to use the "foreign language" metaphor. The kind of comparison I draw usually depends on the kind of person I'm talking to. The key is to realize that every person on earth had their fair share of aromantic scenarios in life. Not everybody falls in love with everybody. You just have to find them and generalize. Once they get the idea of aromanticism, it's easier to separate sexuality from this. Most people also experience sexual attraction towards people they are not in love with. If they get aromanticism, it's usually enough to tell them that, even though you don't fall in love, you've still got a sex drive.

@aihpen thanks for clarifying =) I took my words from this " Consequently, the distress is not limited to a desire to simply be of the other gender, but may include a desire to be of an al­ternative gender, provided that it differs from the individual’s assigned gender. ", and I paraphrased to much .__. what I wanted to say was, that you really want to be of your expressed gender, which differs from your bio-sex . The keyword for you is "identify", since you don't feel like your pender (get it? pen? gender? hahah I'm sry I'm gonna lshow myself out |D) should necessarily have a label, aka be identified. But you can feel strongly about your gender, even if you don't identify it via label. The key part for gender dysphoria is the strong psychological strain that comes with the discrepancy between your bio and your preferred/experienced gender, no matter which one either of them is. Plus, let's not forget: you can feel the distress of gender discrepancy without "qualifying for gender dysphoria". Gender Dysphoria is not a requirement to not be cis.

I would.... I guess that's what my problem is with all of this. There is a different description everywhere and it's so confusing When in doubt, go with this (Diagnostic criteria under Gender Dysphoria in Adolescents and Adults and Diagnostic Features ). These are the official markers for gender dysphoria used in the newest version of the DSM aka the DSM-V, which is a manual for diagnosing mental issues that were carefully discussed and agreed upon by mental health experts. Just remember that you have to qualify with at least 2 of the markers, they have to persist for more that 6 month and the issue has to follow this: " B. The condition is associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning." (aka strong shit is really a really strong thing) to be diagnosed with dysphoria. (and well, reading the markers is a form of self-diagnosing you'd usually get diagnosed by a health expert after talking to them in sessions). Can I ask why you feel like you wouldn't "qualify" in my paraphrased definition vs. the article? I'm curious and I'd like to know where you draw the blurred line =) Maybe I used bad phrasing and that's why you feel that there's a difference.

You can definitely experience dysphoria if you are not trans. That being said, it's not possible to experience gender dysphoria, if you are cis. I get the feeling that a lot of people seem to forget that "dysphoria" is a strong psychological term to describe a symptom that accompanies anxiety, depression and other negative states of mind and significantly increases the risk for suicide in an individual. It's a strong word. Feeling uncomfortable with certain aspects of your body or your role in society is... well.... normal... Experiencing gender or body dysphoria is listed in the DSM-5. Remember, dysphoria is the opposite of euphoria, it's a negative feeling akin to a "bad high". That's why not all trans people have to feel gender dysphoria. It's a strong feeling that not everybody necessarily has to experience. If somebody knows what their gender is without having to feel this, that's a good thing and they aren't any less trans for it. Cis people can absolutely feel uncomfortable in their bodies, even towards typical gender markers also known as >>experiencing body dysphoria<< (for example you can feel dysphoria for your breast.), but gender dysphoria is a special kind of psychological stress that occurs if your gender identity doesn't match your assigned sex at birth. Soo, disliking your breasts can be a part of gender dysphoria, but it's not the whole thing. For gender dysphoria, you actually have to strongly identify with a gender that's not your bio-sex (the DSM says "the opposite sex", since it's a word used to describe trans experiences, but I'm including NBs). If you are genderflux, these feelings might come and go. Dysphoria is the Umbrella Term. There is Social, Gender, Body etc. Body Dysphoria involves Dysphoria of the Body only (an example is the way people with eating disorders tend to view their bodies...) Gender Dysphoria has Social, Body and more types of Dysphoria under the subject: Gender Identity. Here's a read on Gender Dysphoria and it's markers.

I feel this so much! Part of the reasons why I broke down after realizing that I'm not romantic material was precisely that. How do I know I'm not just to scared to try it? How will I know if I won't regret this later? Can I really be alone for the rest_of_my_life? What if everyone I've ever liked moves on and I'm left alone just because I was to "stubborn" to give it a shot. Make the thing happen with somebody. So what if I felt miserable even considering it, maybe I am just taking the easy way out instead of confronting myself with a serious relationshiptm . Surely I could fake it till I make it, however long that takes. But yeah, in the end it never felt fair to my romantic friends. I knew I didn't love them, even before I became aro and I didn't want them to be my romo-laboratory for experimenting. Specially because I didn't have the words I needed to explain my position back than, but till this day I can't shake the feeling, that I'm just hiding behind a word and could surely love someone, if I just tried harder (whatever that means).

I kind of don't mind, I sometimes have to remind myself to mind, actually. I get mild body dysphoria and I prefer wearing stuff that makes my chest look flat, but over all I have no problem with it. As an artist both in 3D and 2D, I happen to look at a lot of naked (and skinless xD) people for references and study's all the time, so I don't see anything inherently sexual in nudity alone.

That's the most accurate description I've ever heard That's exactly how it feels. "I'm.... not into men..." "She's just very important to me as a person." "I'm sorry I can't see you in that way."

I once said yes to a friend who wanted a "no labels" relationship with me and refused to even meet up with him once, after that (it was via chat, even though we didn't live that far apart). I felt like I just had to say yes because of the whole "you've got to date someone eventually"-stuff and "no labels" sounded better than "definitely in love with me", but I seriously didn't want to see him at all. And I liked the guy as a friend! Fortunately, I had real life excuses, because I needed to prepare for and go to interviews for art colleges at the time. I also told my best friend about it and she strongly opposed (she is demi-sexual/romantic), so I just internalized every excuse she gave me. After returning from one of my interviews I immediately broke it off again, saying I really had no time for a relationship right now and anyway I'd probably be moving soon. I didn't know I was aro back than, but I did know that none of my excuses were really "THE problem", I just made them up so I'd have reasons to refuse, when really there were none at all. We talked it out way later and we're good now. Turns out he really loved me and just thought I'd be more receptive to the "no labels" thing and I could make peace with myself for saying "yes" in the first place and leading him on, even if it wasn't my intention...

Well I honestly didn't care for the most parts. Most of my friends were late bloomers so I never had that much peer pressure. Figuring myself out didn't seem important for a long time. Then I had a time were I went with bi, later pan (after I learned that there's a more inclusive word than "bi") for quite some time... - Pan - of course(!) because little me confused indifference towards gender with hypothetical attraction to all people Once confronted with my inability to love I felt broken, inhuman, cruel, sociopathic and like a scared little prude, which lead me to try ace and demi to find an explanation. That didn't help since they didn't fit, so I never openly used them (And yes, I did discover the word "demi" before "aro". I feel like I've discovered every possible orientation before aro ).

Im listening a lot to Sia's The Greatest and this cover of Take Me To Church The raw emotions help me to stay focused while working.