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Cassiopeia

Early signs that you were aro

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2 hours ago, Chronos said:

You people, at what age more or less you just said "f*** it" and stopped waiting for "the right one"?

Not too long ago actually. I think I was probably almost 18 when I finally thought that I was aro. I actually thought I was grey-romantic for a while simply because I thought that I would eventually meet the one. Society can be pretty annoying can't it?

 

EDIT: I think another tipping point for me was that monogamy just doesn't sit with me. I could never be with just one other person.

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8 hours ago, Chronos said:

You people, at what age more or less you just said "f*** it" and stopped waiting for "the right one"?

I don't think I ever cared about the whole thing all that much, but I suppose at 19 or 20 was the last time I went through a phase of bothering about the going out with people thing.

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9 hours ago, Chronos said:

You people, at what age more or less you just said "f*** it" and stopped waiting for "the right one"?

14

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11 hours ago, Chronos said:

You people, at what age more or less you just said "f*** it" and stopped waiting for "the right one"?

tw

Spoiler

 

It wasn't really like that, more like examining the facts and connecting the dots.

Many of the things that I have felt, made no sense at all on their own. Like why the hell do I dislike kissing? Am I not really gay? I find them hot, they turn me on, we are emotionally close, but kissing them just feels... mechanical? Why can't I sit through a PG rated romantic movie, when I have no problem with hardcore porn or horror? I do enjoy cheesy, kitschy sci fi, why do I find even well written, well acted romance off putting?

I was about 22-24 when I found the term aromantic and things started to make sense, but I was so afraid of not being able to connect with others as a result. It still scares me, as I don't really have a role model or example front of me that would give me an idea of what my life will be when I'm 50 or 60 years old. I had some very dark periods in my life when I was convinced that I do not want to live past the age of 35, because I did not see the point at all. The scary thing was, that this whole suicidal mindset was a calculated thing.

So instead of saying "f*** it" and not waiting for "the right one" anymore, I accepted the fact that I would be unhappy if I forced myself into a loveless marriage just because I do not see any alternative, and instead I decided to try to find/create my own path.

 

/tw

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Thanks for all the answers. I asked mostly because I just found out about aromanticism and finally started thinking about it, and the first thing the two friends I talked about it said was "Maybe you just didn't find the right one yet". That, unsurprisingly, got me thinking even more.

Now that I am in college I live in a kinda big city, but I'm from a small backwater one. And the chief reason I wanted to get out of there (even out of that state) was to try and find someone(s) I could identify with, talk to and form some kind of bond. I have always been a loner, but it doesn't mean I don't want someone to talk to. I have to admit as well that I was hoping to find "the right one". I believed one reason that I never had felt attracted to anyone was maybe because the sampling pool was too narrow.

For better or worse I have abandoned those ideas by now.

 

@Cassiopeia: Thanks for taking time to write. I do believe it's more complicated then that for most people. More like a process. I was just tired and didn't know how to bring up the topic.

 

@Edit: forgot to say, I'm 22 now.

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On 12-6-2016 at 0:04 AM, Chronos said:

 

 

 

You people, at what age more or less you just said "f*** it" and stopped waiting for "the right one"?

 

23. Before that I thought for a long time that I was a late bloomer, and then spent a year or so going "I *might* be aro buuuuut who knows" and then got sick of that and literally went 'f*ck it, I'm just gonna call it what it is now.' xD

 

This is not to say that I ever bothered TRYING to find the "right one". I have never dated. I have never even considered it. I have, to be completely honest, never even HOPED to fall in love or anything like that. So when you look at it like that, I never *did* wait for "the right one". My form of "waiting" was literally just me not wanting to be wrong about being aro. That was all. xD

 

So depending on how you see it the answer is either '23' or 'waiting for the right one? Why would I wanna do that' xD

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This is less about being aro and more about being agender, but those two are really very intertwined for me. Since I don't see myself as a certain gender, I don't see others as certain genders. Does that apply to some of you a- or genderflux people out there, too?

 

Spoiler

When I was little, I remember not wanting to be a "girl" at all, but I didn't want to be a boy either. I guess in the end, I just didn't want to be perceived as weak or precious and I didn't want to be anything, anyone had to "protect". I remember distinctly saying to myself that I didn't want to be boy or girl, but just "me", doing "me-stuff".  So I joined the soccer team, got mad at a boy who called me girly and got in a fist-fight. I refused to wear dresses or skirts, got kicked out of ballet because I kept goofing around all the time. Most importantly though I stopped crying about pretty much anything. So much so, that I actually couldn't cry about anything for a rather long time =\ I did it, so people wouldn't put me in a gendered-box. I did that because I wanted to be perceived as me, rather than "a little girl" and it kind of helped. By behaving outside of the norm, people remembered my name rather then my gender.... And all of this was before I entered elementary school. 

 

I also remember always disliking kids and babys xD" The idea of marriage seemed to be a weird concept. I always admired couples, who were more like live-in friends without any children, who never got married(early aro dreams showing? xD ). Other than that I simple never cared. A friend of mine used to make up guys she could date and pretended they were real( 4th or 5th grade). Wrote letters and all to convince me and I just pretended with her, because it seemed like a fun game. She even created one for me and I just played along, because why not. It didn't really mean anything anyway and she seemed to have fun xD
That was it though. I knew of the concept, but I never really felt pressured to enter a relationship during my school years, so I simple watched my friends being all conscious about it. Like the pretend letter-game, it just never seemed like something that really, truly involved me. They had their little games and I just pretended with them. Which is probably why it took so long for me to figure out that I really need to define myself and figure out that I'm Aro =\  

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When I was in 4th grade in elementary school, I used to hang out with a boy sitting next to me in the class (we had a fixed seat) 

 

Now I know he had a crush on me back then, and the other girls in class probably saw that too, so they were like 'Ooh you two get along so well, do you like him?'

 

I didn't know what 'like someone romantically' or 'crush' felt like, so I just thought 'Yeah maybe he's my crush?'  

(I assumed, getting along so well with him meant that I liked him, therefore him becoming my 'crush':facepalm:)

 

I even tried to test myself if I felt those butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling when I thought of him.

Afterall, I chose him to be my crush :facepalm::facepalm: 

 

Anyways, nothing happened in my stomach, so I figured it didn't work that way, and life went on. 

 

I still don't know what having a crush feels like, so I guess that was just little-me being me xD

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On 11/06/2016 at 11:04 PM, Chronos said:

You people, at what age more or less you just said "f*** it" and stopped waiting for "the right one"?

The concept never made any sense to me. I'm unsure I ever started looking for "THE ONE(tm)".

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To begin with, it's barely possible to find the most compatible human out of 7 billion. Finding for a top-0.001% human in terms of compatibility would be a more practical goal, but it's not mandatory either :icecream:

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On 12/06/2016 at 7:54 AM, RedNeko said:

I don't think I ever cared about the whole thing all that much, but I suppose at 19 or 20 was the last time I went through a phase of bothering about the going out with people thing.

TBH to me the activity of "dating" or "going out with PEOPLE" actually still sounds attractive. However the idea of doing so to get  a monogamous romantic relationship sounds more like a "booby prize".
I like (and enjoy) human company a lot of the time, even though I tend to suck at it.
The idea of doing something, with one or more people, where's a good chance of some physical (or sexual) intimacy sounds quite awesome. Especially when combined with a strong QP bond.
A friend even described me as "hedonistic" recently.

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On 12/06/2016 at 10:15 AM, Cassiopeia said:

 

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It wasn't really like that, more like examining the facts and connecting the dots.

Many of the things that I have felt, made no sense at all on their own. Like why the hell do I dislike kissing? Am I not really gay? I find them hot, they turn me on, we are emotionally close, but kissing them just feels... mechanical?

Conversely I really enjoy kissing and physical affection. So long as it is romance free.
A non-romantic emotional connection makes things even better, whereas romance "poisons" the experience.
Best explanation I can come up with.

 

On 12/06/2016 at 10:15 AM, Cassiopeia said:

 

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I was about 22-24 when I found the term aromantic and things started to make sense, but I was so afraid of not being able to connect with others as a result. It still scares me, as I don't really have a role model or example front of me that would give me an idea of what my life will be when I'm 50 or 60 years old.

I am rather older. Would really like to have (and have had) some sort of role model since I've often found things really difficult and often still feel I have no clue what I am doing. Basically trying to make stuff up as I go along thinking "this is just crazy!" and "where do I even start?"

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I was never repulsed by romanticism, but I was never interested in it either. I understood it, I just did not have a desire to participate. I could understand I was this way, since around high school when everyone was discussing the latest gossip about who was in what relationships. I have had people ask me why I never dated, and I always told that that I was busy studying and such. 

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On 13/06/2016 at 8:14 PM, Mark said:

The concept never made any sense to me. I'm unsure I ever started looking for "THE ONE(tm)".

 

Same.

That said, in a romantic sense only. Since I was little, I always had these dreams about one very special friend, a life companion, but it never was romantic in nature (imagining it as something romantic was rather repulsive). This is the reason why I tried dating, because I always knew that people don't want this kind of companionship if it isn't romantic, and the few exceptions are too rare to expect a miracle (that was before Internet somewhat solved the problem though).

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7 hours ago, Rising Sun said:

That said, in a romantic sense only. Since I was little, I always had these dreams about one very special friend, a life companion, but it never was romantic in nature

I simply never felt this way. My feelings have always been in the direction of wanting the companionship of people.

That someone would specifically want to do anything with only one person is utterly baffling to me. 

 

Part of the reason I found the concept of polyamoury interesting. Though the common 'polynormative' varient with its hierarchicays, complex rules and "couple first" isn't for me at all

8 hours ago, Dareyth said:

I was never repulsed by romanticism, but I was never interested in it either. I understood it, I just did not have a desire to participate. I could understand I was this way, since around high school when everyone was discussing the latest gossip about who was in what relationships. I have had people ask me why I never dated, and I always told that that I was busy studying and such. 

 

Certainly at that age I was uninterested in romance or exclusivity. But interested in affection and sex.

The other huge barrier was gender role expectations and my being a shy person also  a far better fit for the traditional "female" roles when it comes to dating.

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When I was a little kid, all the girls in my classes spoke about getting married as if it was a foregone conclusion.  They were going to get married, naturally.  And they had these idealized, romanticized dreams about their perfect wedding, the dress they'd wear, where the ceremony would be held, etc. 

I was more like the boys, who, whenever asked if they'd get married, usually said something like "Ew!  No way!" 

I knew I never wanted to get married all the way back in nursery school (~ three years old).  That never changed, growing up.  When I was asked what I wanted to do with my life, my plans always involved me living alone, in contrast to all of my female friends, for whom marriage was really important, and even my guy friends, who seemed to see marriage as just something you did when you got older and as a way to get sex fairly regularly.

 

I wasn't romance-repulsed, but I definitely viewed books and movies with romantic plots very critically.  A lot of the stories my friends considered 'oh so very romantic!!!' seemed coercive, abusive, stalkerish, creepy, or poorly thought out... like 'Romeo and Juliet', for instance.. that wasn't a love story!  That was a 'two horny teenagers acting stupid' story!  Or 'Wuthering Heights' - Heathcliff wasn't a romantic brooding figure!  He was a jerk!  Yet most of the girls in my classes practically swooned over those stories.  Crazy.  I just couldn't relate at all.

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22 hours ago, Rising Sun said:

That said, in a romantic sense only. Since I was little, I always had these dreams about one very special friend, a life companion, but it never was romantic in nature (imagining it as something romantic was rather repulsive). This is the reason why I tried dating, because I always knew that people don't want this kind of companionship if it isn't romantic, and the few exceptions are too rare to expect a miracle (that was before Internet somewhat solved the problem though)

 

That's kind of true for me, too. I have hoped for a companion in life, but I never even knew that that companion could be non-romantic. I plainly didn't even know that romantic attraction could be separated from sexual attraction. So I actually did believe for quite some, that I had to find the ONE(tm), with whom it'd feel right. I never could get myself to date though. Even back when I didn't know I was aro. it was just to appalling. 

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1 hour ago, UncommonNonsense said:

'Romeo and Juliet', for instance.. that wasn't a love story!  That was a 'two horny teenagers acting stupid' story!

Yes yes yes yes yes I know right! What were the ages? 14&16? 11&13? Blah I had it as my Shakespeare piece in English Lit. I'd've much rather done much ado about 'much ado about nothing' instead of a suicide and testosterone mope-fest!

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I once heard my Dad give my Mom a romantic compliment and I told Dad later that if anyone ever said that to me I'd punch them.

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3 hours ago, UncommonNonsense said:

When I was a little kid, all the girls in my classes spoke about getting married as if it was a foregone conclusion.  They were going to get married, naturally.  And they had these idealized, romanticized dreams about their perfect wedding, the dress they'd wear, where the ceremony would be held, etc. 

I was more like the boys, who, whenever asked if they'd get married, usually said something like "Ew!  No way!" 

I knew I never wanted to get married all the way back in nursery school (~ three years old).  That never changed, growing up.  When I was asked what I wanted to do with my life, my plans always involved me living alone, in contrast to all of my female friends, for whom marriage was really important, and even my guy friends, who seemed to see marriage as just something you did when you got older and as a way to get sex fairly regularly.

I find it interesting how so many aro people knew they didn't want to get married as children. However we are told effectively that we will "grow out of it"..

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This is long because I have three separate aro moments that lead into each other...

 

1: At a really young age I decided I didn't want to get married, and the oh-so-familiar adult response all the way up to my early teen years was that I would "grow out of it" or change my mind when I met "the right one" and "felt the spark." I guess this sort of ingrained in me the idea that the reason I wasn't feeling anything was because I hadn't met "the right one" yet, and when I met him, I would be able to feel what everyone else felt.

 

2. (This moment is a lot more embarrassing to think about now but I'm sure you guys will understand) In high school, I was paranoid that the guys I knew might approach me out of the blue one day and ask me out or something and I wanted to be prepared ahead of time, so I would regularly sit myself down and analyze my feelings towards the guys I knew to see if I had a crush on any of them. It wasn't until later that I was informed that people who feel romantic attraction don't actually need to sit down and go over it: they automatically know. 14/15/16 year old me didn't know that at the time, but oh well. :$ This was Young Me actively trying to be prepared to meet "the right one."

 

3. And then finally in the last couple years of high school I had an intense squish on this guy friend in my year. Later I would realize that I just aggressively wanted to be his friend, but at the time I thought it was my first real crush ("the right one" to fix me and make me feel something, is what I assumed was happening). I liked his company and I liked talking to him and stuff. I guess I thought back then that was what romantic interest was. Problem was this: one of my closest female friends had an actual crush on him at the same time and was rejected, and this guy apparently was interested in me to some degree. I backed off for her sake (and I'm fairly certain she never found out the guy was interested in me), but boy howdy that situation could have needlessly ruined a friendship. So awkward to think about now...

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I rarely had anything I called a crush... and I was so disinterested in them too lol. I'd often just let it fade away, because I could tell they were in such a different circle of friends, that I just wasn't interested. I'd stay within my own friend group instead. 

 

when I actually got to a point I was interested in dating... even then I was just too laid-back. I always just thought it was because I wanted them to chase after me. but then, I was a terrible flirt, and sometimes didn't even notice the people I knew were interested in me xD

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Early sign: 'Fries before guys' was your motto, even though you use the term 'chips' in Australia, not 'fries'.

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when I was in highschool, this one girl was chatting with me in the hallway for a few weeks, I was starting to think about her as a cool friend I rarely see. one day she asked me, "when are you going to ask me out!" and I was so startled! I don't think I even responded... I think she got nervous after a few seconds and said something else that I was able to comprehend :facepalm:

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On 12 June 2016 at 6:04 AM, Chronos said:

So, you are a writer @Rising Sun?

What do you like to write about?

 

You people, at what age more or less you just said "f*** it" and stopped waiting for "the right one"?

It took me until I was 17 to realise the whole thing was pointless. Just before I realised I was aro ace, I had just gotten out of my second relationship and had sort of promised myself to lay off relationships for the foreseeable future, because regardless of what was "wrong with me" I just wanted to be happy and relationships weren't doing that for me.

 

Shortly after that I came across the community and all of the feelings that had been bubbling up in me for the past couple of years had been put into words (such as romance/sex repulsed, sensual attraction, platonic attraction etc)

------

My favourite signs that I was aro were when I was a kid.

 

In kindy (so around 5) I had this "boyfriend", except for some reason I felt uneasy at everyone else calling him that. To me we were just best friends, even though we kissed sometimes. It was definitely a QPR though haha

 

I had another best friend through primary school and this unease of everyone calling us boyfriend and girlfriend had turned into lowkey anger, except it pissed him off too so I didn't think anything of it.

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