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Early signs that you were aro

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On 05/07/2016 at 0:43 PM, MiniChelonia said:

I didn't realise most people visualised their weddings as a kid, or imagined being married in their future. In primary school some girls had made a poll for which guys were most date able, to which my contribution was "no one"    "you can't choose no one or the world will end" "fine, the world ends"

When was the world due to end?

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12 hours ago, Mark said:

When was the world due to end?

This just in: aromantics to blame for the world ending in 2012.

 

I always thought people exaggerated having crushes. Or that, when we were very young, people said just said they had crushes on people they wanted to be friends with.

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Isn't there always someone betting on when the world will end, though? Which seems really stupid to me cos if it does, you can't spend the money you won from being (coincidentally) correct. 

I'm not sure if I mentioned this one, but girls saying I should wear makeup (in middle/high school, when they were basically made to wash it off if a teacher noticed anyway...) so I could "be pretty and get a boyfriend". My response was usually asking when they'd heard me complaining about not having one. 

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I was always weird and had zero social skills, and was always jealous of everyone with a 'best friend'. That was all I ever wanted in relation to other people. Even when I went to college, my main wish was "maybe I'll meet my best friend here"... meanwhile everyone else was chasing entirely different things...

 

I was at my friend's birthday party when I was 16, and people were drinking and stuff, and this one (probably drunk) guy sat next to me and said "what would you do if I kissed you right now?" ... I was like "I will punch you in the face!" :rofl:

My friend was wondering why I was so hostile... I couldn't really figure it out either. Just my natural reaction I guess. :P

 

(Not sure if this one counts) ... When I was very little, I was trying to understand how people got married. I imagined it would work kind of like going up to random people in the street, asking them what language they speak, and if it's the same as yours, then you ask them to marry you... and that's it.

 

 

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There hasn't been that many signs, although I sometimes used to talk with my sister about how annoying it is that such a large percentage of pop songs seem to be about love and romance. I don't mind romantic themes in media and/or works of fiction if it's done well. I might even enjoy it if it's done correctly. But I think few love songs stand out as being creative and interesting lyrics-wise and it's really played out.

 

But I guess the biggest sign was the fact that I've never dated or asked anyone out or wanted to do so. There has been people I've wanted to spend time with, but just as friends. I didn't view the fact that I never wanted to date anyone as a problem. I had always been told that I would become interested in that stuff and find someone I liked eventually when I got older, so I didn't feel in a hurry to get into a relationship. I was certain that I would find the right person and form a happy family and stuff when I was ready to do so. It was not until a couple of years ago that I realized that I probably should be ready by now, but still wasn't, and that's when I started researching asexuality and aromanticism.

 

Only one person has ever asked to be my girlfriend. I was taken by surprise and didn't know what to answer. I don't know how old I was, but I was definitely less than 10 so it was around the time when relationships wasn't so serious anyway. But that's the closest I've ever been to one. I don't even know how many romantic relationships the average person has had at my age.

 

(Edit: Removed some outdated info)

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Let's just say there are many reasons why I've always described myself as "flamboyantly aro", and I have yet to get a surprised reaction from anyone after coming out to them: 

  • When I was a little kid, my mom was apparently 100% certain that I would grow up to be a lesbian, because at one point I'd asked her if it was possible to marry a girl because I didn't like boys. (Her response was "Well...maybe in California?") The part that she didn't realize was that I'd asked this question because 4-year-old me was under the impression that marrying someone just meant that they were your best friend to the point that you wanted to live with them, and 4-year-old me didn't have any male friends, so of course that logically meant that I would wind up marrying a girl, because that's how that works, right? (Of course, the amusing part is that I wound up being in a QPR and will probably move in with my QPP after we both graduate, so maybe 4-year-old Dodec knew what's up after all.) 
  • I had a male best friend in 4th grade, and I couldn't understand why we weren't allowed to have sleepovers at each other's houses like everyone else was allowed to with their best friends. (Sadly, our parents' concern was probably well-founded, considering that friendship ended after he started chasing me around the playground trying to kiss me, which I knew even back then was something I was 100% not okay with. Thankfully, small tomboy Dodec had great stamina after being in tae kwon do for 2 years at that point.) 
  • The argument I still have about once a year with my friend from grade school, regarding someone I knew in 8th grade: "X liked you." "No, he didn't, he hung out with me because I was literally the only person who talked to him and didn't run away when he approached them." "Nope, X definitely liked you."  
  • Sometimes when I was down about not having anyone I could really relate to in early high school, and high school in general just not going anywhere, I would fantasize about meeting my socially-mandated Someone who's Out There for Everyone in college and sitting on a roof and having intellectual conversations and looking at the stars until all hours of the night...and that was *all* we did. Even back when I still thought I was a straight cis girl, my idea of romance contained zero actual romance. 
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1 hour ago, Dodecahedron314 said:

I had a male best friend in 4th grade, and I couldn't understand why we weren't allowed to have sleepovers at each other's houses like everyone else was allowed to with their best friends.

Hah, yeah... I had a similar thing in college, when my first year roommates were driving me CRAZY, so I asked the people in charge if I can swap and be roommates with one of my actual friends (who were all male at the time), and they just looked at me funny. 9_9

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On 5/15/2016 at 3:16 AM, Zemaddog said:

There's also the fact that I really wouldn't even know what to do in a romantic relationship. I  get really uncomfortable with physical contact (except handshakes), so much so that I can't even hug my own grandmother without feeling awkward. I can't imagine how awkward it would be if someone kept trying to be physical with me.

Kinda the opposite of me. I have no interest ever in being in a romantic relationship, but if I consented to it, and actually liked that other person, I guess I would be comfortable in one. But I wouldn't do anything other then high-fives or the occasional hug, I guess. :P 

I can't say I ever showed an immense amount of signs when I was younger...but when I was around 8 years old, I had to fake having a "crush" to fit in with other girls and boys, so there's that. :P 

On 5/15/2016 at 4:19 AM, omitef said:

I don't know if this has more to do with asexuality, but I've always been grossed out or uncomfortable around people doing any sort of public displays of affection. Even if it was just hugging. 

SAME.

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I never imagined my wedding unless pressed by other girls. Then I would just dream up the coolest party I could think of, and I thought white dresses were dumb and boring. Then, as a teen, in a very conservative Christian school, I admitted that I didn't want to marry, ever. No shit, the girl in front of me gasped "but where will you LIVE????"

 

Yeah. 

 

I also had no problems with no attachment sex all through college and young adulthood, so that should have been a clue, hah. But not having a term for what I was for most of my life, it definitely took a while to accept how i am, and some trauma.

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whenever there was something remotely related to romance in a show, I'd always get grossed out (and still do)

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Most of my best friends when I was little were guys. Everyone thought one of my friends and I liked each other because we would always walk home from school together, and someone had claimed they saw us holding hands. This was highly embarrassing to both of us, and people had already been haranguing me about crushes for years, never believing me when I said I didn't have one. Naturally, I told one of the girls in my class (who was notoriously bad at keeping secrets) that I had a crush on another guy, my problems went away overnight.

 

of course, a few years later I found out that that friend did in fact have a crush on me, and I had just assumed he didn't. (I wish I could say this is the only time I've made that mistake, but alas, you all know the struggle)

 

I also remember my mom telling me that my sixth grade teacher had told her he was worried I'd have trouble finding a relationship since I always played football at recess and was friends with the guys in my class, and that they might only think of me as "one of the guys." *sigh* if only that were true.

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When everyone in my age group hit puberty and started noticing people, finding them attractive and wanting boyfriends/girlfriends, and I didn't. I wish I'd heeded my feelings back then and taken them at face value, because that was exactly what they meant. Instead, I eventually noticed how 'weird' I was, tried to change, stayed that way for damn near a decade, before I finally found my way again. I've always had a tendency to complicate things though in my head though, when I don't need to. 

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A few of my classmates started dating back in elementary school and I asked them why they were dating. I never got an actual answer, just things like "well, that's what people do. O.o Why? 

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1.) We read “A Doll's House” by Ibsen in school. What a confusing play, far too much romantic love in it!

I managed to get my teacher quite angry with my... unconventional interpretations.

 

2.) I was known to never “admit” that I had crushes on anybody (I never had them). Then I once made a not so nice remark about a new girl in our class “X is so funny... with her accent. And her silly old-fashioned braids.... who seriously walks around like this? She's like from a Dutch cheese commercial, ok, that would be kinda cute. <chuckle>”

And now my friend started to tease me that I had a crush on her. Yeah, but I didn't and I was extremely annoyed by it.

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Don't know if this is exactly an aro thing, but even back when i was a kid I never liked wearing anything I considered to be revealing (aka shorts) because I felt highly uncomfortable wearing them around people. 

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I also remember having to fake a crush in primary school. (I might have already put this, but the memory still makes me laugh. xD

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On 6/27/2016 at 0:40 AM, hangryeowyn said:

2. (This moment is a lot more embarrassing to think about now but I'm sure you guys will understand) In high school, I was paranoid that the guys I knew might approach me out of the blue one day and ask me out or something and I wanted to be prepared ahead of time, so I would regularly sit myself down and analyze my feelings towards the guys I knew to see if I had a crush on any of them. It wasn't until later that I was informed that people who feel romantic attraction don't actually need to sit down and go over it: they automatically know. 14/15/16 year old me didn't know that at the time, but oh well. :$ This was Young Me actively trying to be prepared to meet "the right one."

 

I actually do this waaaaaaaaayyyyy too often. xD 

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In elementary and middle school I was pretty so a lot of boys asked me out and I never really knew what to say. I would hype myself up, accept and then break up with them when I realised I felt nothing. I remember when I was 13 I did not understand why my boyfriend liked to hold my hand or why everybody was so excited over it. Our one and only kiss was in his room watching cats vs. dogs 2 and I just remember making him to stop like 5 times so I could watch the damn movie and trying to get myself to stop thinking with his tongue in my mouth. I broke up with him pretty quickly and when he showed up at my door with pretentious chocolates I just felt dread.

 

I broke the heart of my first girlfriend when I was like 15 as well because I was the one who asked her out first, and pecked her on the lips first and invited her over to watch lion king but I was just trying so hard to push myself to feel something. Obviously she wasn't happy about the 'it's not you, it's me' cliche. Looking back it's pretty obvious.

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When I was little, even on up through my teens, I would actually say that I hated romance in the media. Romance-based movies never appealed to me, yet my friends were into them. Also, some of those trashy romance novels. I never understood why someone would be into that stuff. It seemed fake. There are rare moments that I like romantic scenes in movies/shows. They have to be done right, and quickly move on afterwards.

 

When my friends would talk about crushes, I think as early as when we were around 10 or 11, it was strange. Everyone seemed to like people a certain way that I didn't. I did have what I called crushes. My friends asked me what I thought about when I saw that crush. I said I would really really like to be best friends with them, get to know them more, and do fun things together (like watch movies, have in-depth discussions, etc.). My friends thought that was weird. They said when they see theirs, they think about kissing, going on what would be considered dates, hugging, and whatever romantic stuff they could think of. I've only had about 4 'crushes' or I guess they would be squishes. I'm 32. So, even that's not much.

 

When I think about having a wedding in the future, I've always just thought about the dress and food. Never the actual partner. It was an excuse to dress up and eat good food. If I do end up being in a qpr in the future, and we have a wedding, I think it'd be cool to take out the romanticized stuff. Like, hug instead of kiss at the end. Have it as an excuse to party, see family and friends, celebrate the relationship, have good food, an excuse to dress up, and more. It might be weird, though.

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7 hours ago, anzu2snow said:

It might be weird, though.

Then celebrate the weirdness! :D

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I had to learn the hard way. I spent many years trying to do the whole dating and relationship thing (I was even married for awhile and have a son). I know now being aro is a huge part of why none of my relationships were successful. I kept thinking I wasn't finding the right one but eventually, I realized I was so much happier when I was single and not in a relationship or worrying about being in one. I was just going along with what society expected of me thinking that was what I was supposed to do in order to be happy. Discovering that I was aro was a real light bulb moment.

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I had fake crushes when I first got sex ed (so heteronormative...). But in retrospect I just followed them around and stared at them, or did weird convoluted attempts to get their attention that were pretty much guaranteed to fail, probably on purpose. It was weird.

Of course the guys I had 'crushes' on were actually guys I thought were nice-looking or had good personality traits.  

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On 2/23/2017 at 2:50 AM, Iamwilliame said:

(I was even married for awhile and have a son).

How did you manage to get that far? Didn't you exhibit some serious cluelessness about romance? And didn't your partner notice your lack of romantic attraction?

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9 hours ago, DeltaV said:

How did you manage to get that far? Didn't you exhibit some serious cluelessness about romance? And didn't your partner notice your lack of romantic attraction?

I liked the companionship and we were close friends but I was always looking for ways to be alone. I was looking for a friend and she was looking for a life partner. Also, I have never been completely ace so there was that part of the relationship that was working. Out of ignorance, I tried to make it all work. And to answer your question, my partner did notice the indifference to romance. She thought she could change me and I thought I could change. Thing is, I didn't really want to change. The day my divorce was final, was one of the happiest days of my life. It wasn't because I hated my ex. It was because I was free to quit pretending.

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I could always tell there was something different about my 'crushes', but I  just brushed it off, because I was used to being different in pretty much every way. I was kind of ignored, after elementary school(in which I was bullied, so being mostly ignored was a welcome change), and the few friends I had weren't really that into romance(I strongly suspect one of them is aroace, the other ones I kind of suspect, but it was just something we didn't talk about it, while she was actively not interested). I also didn't really understand exactly what romance and romantic attraction were, or so I've realized(not that I really understand them now, but I realize I don't understand them).

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