Would you advise a romantically-oriented friend to date an aromantic person?

[UncommonNonsense]

Here's a question, folks. 

 

Let's say you have a best friend who you do not/cannot date (for whatever reason - maybe they're not attracted to people of your gender).  You want the best for this person because you care about them an awful lot. 

You're aro.  You accept yourself and your identity, and you're not overly conflicted about being aro. 

 

Your best friend meets another aro person and is interested in this person.  You don't know the person your friend is pursuing. 

 

Would you advise your friend that they should date an aromantic person, knowing that your friend is romantically-oriented?  Or would you tell your friend to give up on this particular relationship?  Would the gender and orientation of your friend make a difference?  Would it make a difference to you if the aromantic person your friend likes is asexual or allosexual?

 

 

[Louis On Air]

I think it's up to the aromatic person; if they're dating someone then they obviously want somewhat to try it out.

[Cassiopeia]

I'd tell my friend a bit about what they can expect, how aro people in general experience the world, what it feels like, about romance repulsion, QPRs, etc. 

Every aro person is different, so my aro experience isn't neccessarily the same as this other person's. What I'd like is quite different from what other aros would choose, so its important to prepare them for different scenarios.

 

Its most likely that this aro person will not be open to dating them, but perhaps would be into something else. 

Does 'interested' mean your friend has a crush on them, or in love with them? Would they be interested only in dating this other aro, or are they more open minded?

If they don't get exactly what they expected, would they loose interest?

 

The other person's sexuality definitely matters, because its a factor in relationships. I'm not sure how much you told your friend already, but a bit of info would not hurt. I'd ask their opinon on poly things, just in case. 

 

Also, I'd say this other aro person is quite fortunate to have someone else around to educate your friend.

Most allo people who pursue aros have just no idea, and especially if they aren't getting the conventional 'yes' or 'no' messages, they get angry and confused. To many of them a 'yes, but not that' sounds like you are playing with them, lying, or wasting their time. You can save them a lot of awkwardness, misunderstandings and dissappointmet.

But no, I would not tell them to give up. Just to keep an open mind.

[Mark]

On 15/11/2016 at 6:28 AM, UncommonNonsense said:

Let's say you have a best friend who you do not/cannot date (for whatever reason - maybe they're not attracted to people of your gender).  You want the best for this person because you care about them an awful lot. 

You're aro.  You accept yourself and your identity, and you're not overly conflicted about being aro. 

 

Your best friend meets another aro person and is interested in this person.  You don't know the person your friend is pursuing. 

 

Would you advise your friend that they should date an aromantic person, knowing that your friend is romantically-oriented?  Or would you tell your friend to give up on this particular relationship?  Would the gender and orientation of your friend make a difference?  Would it make a difference to you if the aromantic person your friend likes is asexual or allosexual?

I don't think that there is a simple answer to this..
At least some allos are capable of being in Queer Platonic Relationships. (Even multiple concurrent QPRs.)

Some obvious issues include:
The allo trying to push romance on the aro.
The aro might think that they need to accept romance or try to "act romantic" in order for relationship to happen/continue.
The allo needing to understand that whilst the aro might like some romantic coded things they may dislike (or be repulsed) by others.
The allo might feel they are not with the aro or doing things together enough.
The aro might feel that they are with the allo or doing things together too much.
The allo might abandon the aro for a romantic relationship or the aro might fear this happening.
Things may be more difficult if the allo has lots of experience with dating other allos

There's also likely to be social and peer pressures on both the allo and aro. With the nature of these pressures depending on their (assumed) gender and sexual orientation.

To add a further complication someone's sensual, aesthetic, platonic and queer platonic orientations need not coincide with either their sexual or romantic orientation. (A somewhat contrived example would be someone who will cuddle with anyone; only kiss cis gendered people and only have sex with women.)

Both of them would need to be clear about what they actually want from the relationship.

[shotinthehand]

I think by definiton, dating an aromantic person doesn't work. Dating is romantic, and you're romantic friend wants a relationship from their crush that their crush can't give them. The gender of your friend and the genders your friend is romantically attracted are irrelevant and so is the sexual orientation of the aromantic crush. None of that plays a factor in the reality that an aromantic person can't give someone who is crushing on them the relationship they want (unless it's a lithromantic person who's crushing but I don't think that's the situation). Sorry that this post is a little curt; I need to go to bed because it's late in Germany and I have school tomorrow. 

[cute kitty Meow! Mewo!]

I wouldn't "recommend it" like if they asked directly, hey aro person, is it gonna work out if I date this other aro person? then I'd say, it's up to the individual, worth asking them if they're up to it. but generally speaking I'd expect any mixed relationship to be difficult and wouldn't go out of my way to recommend asking someone out. 

[Confirmed Bachelor]

I wouldn't recommend anyone date anyone else ever

[cute kitty Meow! Mewo!]

lol actually... I've only ever recomended people break up. I'm always biting my tongue 'cause that's all I'd say to most people, something like they say "ugh my datefriend likes chocolate but I hate it" and I go "you should obv break up. not worth!"

[Confirmed Bachelor]

13 hours ago, cute kitty Meow! Mewo! said:

lol actually... I've only ever recomended people break up. I'm always biting my tongue 'cause that's all I'd say to most people, something like they say "ugh my datefriend likes chocolate but I hate it" and I go "you should obv break up. not worth!"

 

Yeah most couples I know do nothing but complain about the other. I honestly don't know why so many people stay together for what seems to me as convenience. 

[cute kitty Meow! Mewo!]

I don't really understand it at all. but that might have to do with my asocial confusion in general. 

[Natkat]

I think it depends on the aro person and the alloromantics expectations. 

if the alloromantic had an expectations of well... "real romantic relationship" that was really high, then I would probably say it as it was that that wouldnt happent. also if I knew the aro person was happy single and liked that lifestyle I would be clear saying there wouldnt be a chance for a relationships cause I knew the person didnt do that.

 

however aros are different, some do like relationships just not the romantic kinds, and some can even comprimize with alloromantics who feel romantic feelings for them even if they dont feel anything romantic themself.

 

so.. lets say I dont know the person I would rather try to limit the alloromantics expectations but stay openmined and say they shouldnt nessesarry expect them to be super romantic but instead ask the aro person what they are or arnt interesteed in. 

 

[Philbo Wiseroot]

I tend to stay out of giving advice that specifically pertains to romantic relationships. I'm happy to give general relationship advice though (like talking to people if they're having problems). So, no I wouldn't, but only because I wouldn't recommend that a person date anyone.

 

Also, 200 posts! 

[Ettina]

It very much depends. Are they romance repulsed, or romance favourable/indifferent?   

[Holmbo]

I don't think I'd give any advice. Just explain to them what aromanticism entails and perhaps help them reflect over what they'd want from a date/relationship with that person.

[Saber_Wing]

Absolutely not. As an aromantic person myself, I know that dating someone who is romantic is a disaster. I just don't see how it could work on either side. Neither of them would be getting what they needed from each other. 

 

That being said, I do agree with what others have said -- it would be up to the two people involved. I think it's an awful idea, but hey. I always think dating anyone ever is an awful idea 

[Mezzo Forte]

Based on my past relationships with romantics, I would probably at least give a strong disclaimer about what to expect. I hesitate to advise against it without full context, but I would definitely encourage dialogue between the two people beforehand.

 

It was really obvious that I didn't feel the same things that my partners were in relationships, and that was something that actively pained some of them. I felt so much guilt in the process too, as I didn't know I was aro and wanted so desperately to make my friends happy and fall in love with them. Now I know that it's better to turn down someone you're not interested in than to drag them through a relationship where they don't feel loved back.

[RASHAAN]

It's unnessary and untruthful to do that, like a romantic partner and aromatic can chill but if a romantic partner starts to feel anything it gets awkward so like I think that should get addressed as soon as the topic gets brought up.. 

[Mark]

12 hours ago, RASHAAN said:

It's unnessary and untruthful to do that, like a romantic partner and aromatic can chill but if a romantic partner starts to feel anything it gets awkward so like I think that should get addressed as soon as the topic gets brought up.. 

Which might be more an issue to the romantic person if they don't experience reciprocation of anything romantic.
It could also be a problem if the aromantic person feels non-romantic/QP/etc attraction towards the romantic person.

[breaddd]

I would probably just advise the friend to not get their hopes up, and to just talk to the aro person (whom we do not know). Usually every social problem can be talked out? And if it can't idek what do to.

[Apathetic Echidna]

On 15/11/2016 at 4:58 PM, UncommonNonsense said:

Your best friend meets another aro person and is interested in this person

Explain aromantic to your friend then prep them for rejection, because the way I see it the aro object of affection is quite likely to flat out reject or be repulsed by romantic advances. 

If the aro also decided to get into the relationship I would then drill my friend on consent. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you can hold hands, hug, kiss or snuggle freely, and one time consent does not make it a free for all. 

So yes, I guess I would be grudgingly supportive, but vocally pessimistic. 

[James White]

I suppose it would be alright as long as they know what to expect. For someone to "date" me would be theoretically fine as long as they tread lightly around my romance repulsion. That's a big if, but I'm not opposed to trying it out of curiosity. 

[Lex Barringer]

On November 15, 2016 at 12:28 AM, UncommonNonsense said:

Here's a question, folks. 

 

Let's say you have a best friend who you do not/cannot date (for whatever reason - maybe they're not attracted to people of your gender).  You want the best for this person because you care about them an awful lot. 

You're aro.  You accept yourself and your identity, and you're not overly conflicted about being aro. 

 

Your best friend meets another aro person and is interested in this person.  You don't know the person your friend is pursuing. 

 

Would you advise your friend that they should date an aromantic person, knowing that your friend is romantically-oriented?  Or would you tell your friend to give up on this particular relationship?  Would the gender and orientation of your friend make a difference?  Would it make a difference to you if the aromantic person your friend likes is asexual or allosexual?

 

 

 

It's up to the people starting up a relationship together, how they're going to navigate these waters. A person on the outside of this dynamic shouldn't be the interfering or advising, that will just look like romantic jealousy and rivalry to the romantic person. It's just best to stay out of it. I know my answer is a bit harsh but I'm also looking at it from past experiences and psychology, too. 

 

[DeMorgan]

On 10/5/2017 at 1:24 PM, Lex Barringer said:

 

It's up to the people starting up a relationship together, how they're going to navigate these waters. A person on the outside of this dynamic shouldn't be the interfering or advising, that will just look like romantic jealousy and rivalry to the romantic person. It's just best to stay out of it. I know my answer is a bit harsh but I'm also looking at it from past experiences and psychology, too. 

 

 

I entirely agree, and furthermore believe this principle extends to the proper treatment of all potential relationships.  One shouldn't advise a friend to date another, just as they shouldn't advise them to not.  People ought to make their own decisions regarding such things whether it is to the pride of their friends or their embarrassment.

[Lex Barringer]

On 10/12/2017 at 11:04 PM, DeMorgan said:

 

I entirely agree, and furthermore believe this principle extends to the proper treatment of all potential relationships.  One shouldn't advise a friend to date another, just as they shouldn't advise them to not.  People ought to make their own decisions regarding such things whether it is to the pride of their friends or their embarrassment.

 

My point exactly and couldn't have said it any better.

[Mirrorreaper]

I would advise ANYONE to talk to the person their interested in in ANY sort of relationship about expectations/needs/desires. 

Im married and got married before I knew the word aro(no kidding i legit decided to go for it cause "wow he doesnt annoy me as much as other people"(I was a teenager)) and Im now out with him and did some polyam dating for a while before deciding it super wasnt for me. The thing is, there was no honeymoon period or like losing interest romantically or anything like that so in some ways I am a loyal and devoted partner for LIFE. It's all about perspective and the individuals.

 

But really i think we need to teach people to communicate our expectations.

 

As a baby aro i was obsessed with "oathtaking" and made friends when they passed a certain threshold of closeness sign a handwritten oath based on medieval chivalry and Even turned down a friend who wanted to sign with me(Ive relaxed a LOT since then but it does speak to my aroness and my openness toward speaking about expectations regardless of romantic Orientation).