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Lex Barringer

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  1. Well, I avoid women in general now because of my bad experiences. They're logic is, if I'm talking to them, I hitting on them and therefore want a piece of the action. Now, in regards to the guys I know, I just stay quiet if the romo comes up.
  2. I've been running into this a lot, while I can connect with people, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and know it's only a matter of time before the friendship sours because the other party (romantic women) want to take it to the next level and don't give a $h|t about my feelings on the matter, it's as if I don't matter and that I'm there to fulfill their f*cked up fantasies of romance is supposed to be like. They'll hound me for "playing games with their mind", even when I'm not, they're just seeing their own reflection in me. To me, it's really saddening that I can't find anyone either. I'm aromantic hetero-demisexual but I'm now thinking about stating I'm aromantic asexual because people have at least heard of this type of person, they don't believe in demisexuality. When they say that to me, I've retorted to them, "I don't believe in women that can't figure out that I'm not at all like them and just keep it at the friendship level which is where it should have stayed". I can't help it that they're stupid, that's all on them but the unfortunate thing is; I would have figured they could wrap their mind around it, some of them were college educated feminists but alas they only understood it from an alloromantic female pespective and thinking they understand men, when they do not. It's truly terrible that they believe that all men think and act the same. It's funny that the feminists are the romantic types that give me the most pain out of all the hetero-alloromantic women I've met and I erroraneously thought they be more unstanding and accepting of me being different. I've gotten to the point right now, where it's better for to be alone and lonely than put up with any romantic woman's bull$h|t. As I would still be lonely in the friendship because they don't really value my friendship but rather want to own and cage me which as an aromantic, is intolerable. When I speak of finding that special someone, I mean getting a squish and that the other lady or ladies in my life experience the same thing with me but don't become jealous possessive over me as I won't get that way in regards to them. I honestly believe we need to come up with a relationship database that represents all of our differences; how we interact with others and how we see ourselves, come up with an aromantic relationship friend finder website, so we don't have to face lonliness if we don't want to anymore. I know that aromanticism is a lot larger than we think it is, I've met several people that would fall into this category but they haven't articulated themselves as of yet.
  3. Most therapists, psychologists, sociologists and psychiatrists are dealing with a doubly stacked deck. What I mean by that is, they only know and go by what the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM) says on issues that pertain to anything that appears to be in relation to trust issues brought on by your attachment style and other attributes which will lead them to believe you're either; paranoid, suffering from PTSD (a form of psychosis), have Asperger's syndrome, land somewhere in the schizo spectrum (usually schizoid) or are a high functioning individual that has austism / austistic feature but can't be grouped into Asperger's syndrome. Believe me, I've had to train some of these, "idiots". They're always talking about the need for sensitivity training but when it comes to them actually doing it, they're so hesitant, like I'm pulling their teeth.They don't actually realize that what they say without actually thinking it through, is quite harmful, let alone heavily insensitive. Snap decisions should never be made in the social sciences, it is a lot harder to psychoanalyze someone than the current crop of shrinks out there lead on. If they don't go by the manta of following the where the evidence leads them and instead they give you a canned answer without actually engaging their brain, thinking along the lines of the DSM but isn't equivalent of the law to them. It's really hard to find a good shrink, finding one that is also a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and Empath would help you out greatly. They look at the problem from multiple levels at once. As a note to you and anyone else that wants to go see a shrink, don't use their language like; psychosis, psychopath, depression, narcissist, etc. You will be labeled something by them in the industry and yes, word does get around. That also includes calling yourself depressed. Calling yourself sad and out of energy all the time is fine. It may or may not have a medical basis at that point, in which a psychologist / therapist / psychoanalyst can't do anything for you at that point, it's either a plain medical doctor or a psychiatrist can help. As I've stated before chronic depression isn't actually depression, chronic sadness brought on by your memories, emotional loading and negative thoughts, that are reinforced by negative on going events occurring in your life. Real depression can't be treated by anyone but a medical doctor with a degree in psychology or a psychiatrist (since they're a medical doctor, too.), psychologists / therapists / psychoanalysts can't write a prescription. There is one other type of person that can write a prescription though, a licensed DNP or NP (Doctor of Nurse Practitioner or Nurse Practitioner); they're above that of medical or psychiatric RNs (Registered Nurses).
  4. Oh, okay, I'm in agreement with that idea.
  5. I don't know if I should facepalm, cry, rage or laugh about the comment left from that idiot. If it was legal, a hell of a slap upside the head would be in order (perhaps knocking some sense into that person, in the process).
  6. No, actually, I don't think that. Although, I've encountered other aromantics on here that weren't aware of the aesthetic / physical attraction aspect. It's quite common for those of us who have strong over-driving aesthetic attraction to go for what we can't (supposedly) have; a celebrity for example. We have a drive for what we believe is perfection, however, when we actually get to know these people that attraction many times dies down or disappears. I've been involved with some celebrity women but I won't say who, it's not my bag to be name dropping. I'm glad you're well articulated in this area, I wasn't sure if you were polyamorous or not, thanks for putting that out there. I do agree with you on that there are more than one kind of relationship but when I speak to allos (so-called normal woman) they only see the "relationship" as romantic, even though as you said, platonic, familial, etc. When I refer to the ladies I encounter they're so dead set about getting into that fairy tale relationship of romance, that can't see the truth of the matter. It's unfortunate. I've never heard of that band, I'll go find them on YouTube, if they can be found there. A note about celebrities; some are really cool; cooky / wacky and others appear to be really cool but wind up being creeps or worse. They're just people, really, just like you, me and the rest of the people on here. Perhaps, some of them may be aromantics like us as well.
  7. That's perfectly normal, Elise. As you've found out that you're Aromantic but you're for all intents and purpose hetero allosexual (normal bias / hetero-sexual, in other words). There are many orientations that define a person but there are three main ones; romantic, sexual and aesthetic. You know about the first two but probably not the third one. Aesthetic orientation and the associated attraction is the physical appearance of a said individual you're looking at currently. It's entirely possible to be turned on by someone but not have sexual nor romantic feelings for said person, as that does happen. The fact you call this person, "hot" is an indication that your aesthetic attraction is cued up and going forward. Now, you can have sex without a relationship. The word, "relationship" to a romantic partner has heavily emotional loading which means one thing only, romance, without romance there is no relationship. It's either they're a friend or a cringe worthy, "friends with benefits". There's nothing wrong with wanting to be with that person in a physical sense and if you want to have sex but notify that person of your intention if you two should get together, say that it's not a romantic relationship. That way you're in the clear if said person catches the feels for you, as you did all you could do, just short of not having sex with that person. We aromantics define relationships much differently than demiromantics or alloromantic people do. Even if we try to explain it, they'll never understand it, because they're not thinking with logic but emotion. What it sounds like you want is to be physically and sexually exclusive with said partner, as there's nothing wrong with that either. It's a possibility that you aren't allosexual at all, you might be some type of greysexual or demisexual. I went through this phase myself, I figured out that while I find many women hot, it doesn't necessarily mean I want to have a "mutually exclusive relationship" with them, in regards to having sex. However, there are some but I don't discuss it because every time I do, that friendship goes south really fast. I'm more interested in keeping friends rather than just having sex with a couple of them. I'm what is known as a hetero-demisexual. Meaning, I'm straight but there are conditions that must be met before the ability for me to experience sexual attraction to women can occur. Although, it's not always going to happen but it's like the door is unlocked and opened so that it "could" occur. The more screwy thing that's occurred to me is I've tried the hook up sites where you start as friends and almost instantly those women try to smother & cage me into a (romantic) relationship, which is just the opposite of what those web sites were designed for. So, I have given up, I'm not meant to have a partner, because that partner is interested in romance only and not real love (which isn't judgemental). Elise, I wish you the best and hopefully you don't run into the same prejudices that I've come across. Besides, being straight is just your sexual orientation, which has nothing to do with your romantic and aesthetic orientations.
  8. I've been aromantic, well using that word even before it was popularized. I knew what I was when I was 15 and now 42. I came out Aro a long time ago, perhaps that's the reason I don't see it as such a big deal. It did take me awhile to figure out I was hetero-demisexual, though, didn't know until I was 30, just knew there was something a bit off.
  9. About the ICD 10, there is a site to see how the ICD is currently organized, it's functionally configured. http://www.icd10data.com/ICD10CM/Codes/F01-F99 Those are for diagnostic codes themselves, the actual definitions are found elsewhere in the book. At least the book is set up for quick reference and not like a Microsoft software manual. (See this page, that page and if it doesn't work refer to this last page.)
  10. Sure, I see what you're getting at but most people don't go out of their way to say, "Oh, by the way, I'm aromantic", unless someone is hitting on them or making them feel uncomfortable in that certain way that alloromantics are so good at. I guess the easiest way to put this is, don't interject romanticism or aromanticism where it doesn't actually belong or attributable to a given project. Now, let's say there is an anthropological, psychological and sociological study of the various orientations and attractions, including but not limited to; aesthetic, romantic, and sexual; sure by all means put it out there that you're aromantic. There are times when you should say it and times when it's unappropriate or at the very least it'sdown right awkward. Letting people know that you're aromantic at the wrong time or when they're clearly not ready can be a bit off putting and too much of a shock for some. Believe me, I been in all these situations before, in my youth. I made some major social faux pas back then. I got into psychology, psychiatry and sociology later on in life; it wasn't until then that I realized how much I torqued people because of how I was putting myself across. Recognizing people in our popular culture that identify like us is one thing or we think they are by their own public admission, as it's hard to see if it's real or a publicity stunt. Aromantics shouldn't feel they need to synch up to popular culture, just being ourselves can gain noteriety if done correctly. What I'm really talking about it identifying sore spots within your own ego, examining them, figuring out why it hurts, what compels / draws you to associate with popular culture icons that are like us instead of just doing your own thing not caring if what aromanticism and aromantics become a buzzword or not. I do agree that aromanticism should be talked about openly but by not being brash or in popular culture sense because people who actually control it are all about the money. How they can market schlock to you and people like us by rebranding products and services they used on other orientations and segments of population. One of the biggest offenders in this arena is Viacom, as they own M-TV, VH-1, etc.
  11. Searching for celebrities or other notable people that are of the aromantic orientation doesn't really seem like a worthy cause. To those who are celebrities and other notables, should they choose to talk about it, it's one thing but it's not at all about "representing", that's just garbage. Representing is just a boastful way to get in peoples' faces about our orientation, that doesn't actually help us, rather it creates more trouble for us down the line. I look at it as immaturity, in the same light and to the tune of Aromantic Pride parades. I don't feel the need to toot my horn for being aromantic; it just is. Instead of identifying others in the mass media who are of a certain orientation, just let it go, be you're own person. What celebrities say and do in public are often times not what they are behind closed doors. Just be aware of this. Besides, you should use celebrities as your role model anyhow, that's a bad idea, regardless of orientations. They are put under undue stressors and horrible scrutiny, you don't need to add to it by identifying with that person because of their orientation. Be a real person, a real friend, forget about the orientations, go forward. How do I know this information about celebrities? I know several of them, not just in the United States but around the world. They deserve to be treated like human beings and not used for slogans or "representing" a specific cause, etc. will I name drop? No.
  12. Here's the thing why I stopped giving a crap about other peoples' feelings and wants because it was to my detriment, because it causes the endless cycle of internal abuse. 1. I was worrying about how I was going to be perceived. a. People were talking shit about me regardless on how and why I explained myself. 2. I was worrying about how I was going to cope, if I was still living a lie to fit in with the rest of the society. a. They too are still living a lie; society isn't made up of 100% alloromantic & allosexual people. b. They wanted to attack me for being me, it was an unfamiliar mode of operation to them. c. People fear what they don't understand, as they don't want to understand. d. People use anger along with ridicule to attempt to minimize the pseudo-threat to their own false image and operation. 3. Psychology and psychiatry have it wrong stating that low self-esteem and confidence have to do with all forms of depression, including but not limited to chronic depression. a. It's a widely held belief that self-esteem and confidence are one in the same, however, there's no real empirical evidence to support this belief. b. Self-esteem is affected by depression and not the other way around. c. You can have confidence with low self-esteem; they're mutually exclusive of each other, not connected in any way, shape or form. d. Self-esteem's real definition is how you see yourself, your personal image / ego and how your image / ego interacts with other people's image / egos. e. Confidence's real definition is seeing the real person, starting with yourself, throwing your own image / ego aside and addressing others likewise. Confidence is that of your real self, problem is, accessing it and telling your self-esteem to pipe down, watch and listen. f. People with chronic depression have a war with their persona versus their real self. g. The persona / false image / ego, almost always wins. It's painful at first to deal with the truth, that nobody actually cares about you in the form you expect. Because, if everyone else is busy maintaining their image and not being the real person. How can you expect to have any semblance of a real connection with anyone? The answer is; you can't. h. It's better to be alone, rather than to fake your way through life, like so many other people are doing. Having a fake connection with society will get to you sooner or later when you have the epiphany that they're doing the same thing you're doing, when you don't actually get to know the real person behind the mask. i. It's hard to let go of that mask we cling to, we don't want to be hurt anymore. However, this very mask is continually hurting us, as individuals. People with chronic depression have a harder time letting go of the mask because they want what's familiar to them, to be comforted but they don't realize the mask isn't what's actually comfortable, you just think it is. Just remember this; misery loves company. That's one b*tch you should kick to the curb. 4. I've been accused of not understanding other peoples' circumstances or why they do what they do. a. While these are patently false accusations; it doesn't suprise me that others try to play down and justify their actions to me, so they can keep on doing what they're doing. Abusing me and other people; as that's indicative of an emotional immaturity and cognitive disfunction. When they don't want to take responsibility for what they've done, let alone change their behavior, to fix their problems. b. Explaining to people your knowledge base and if you have a background in medicine, psychology, psychiatry and sociology does absolutely no good. For they have not reached out for help and thus refusing your help outright. As an example; You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. 5. I do understand their circumstances and why they do what they do. a. The one thing I won't do; is allow them to hurt or torture me anymore. That is why I get all the wild accusations being thrown my way, people don't want to others to see their wounds and to have the tables turned on them. They want all the positive adulation and supply for which they're don't deserve to begin with, because nothing of what they're doing is original nor real. They want all of the nice attention and / or gifts just for being a fake. That's pretty sad! 6. I figured out that I didn't want to have fake connections with other people and didn't want to be surround by fake people at any level. a. Self discovery was the first part of my journey. Articulating my orientations; who I really am, etc. b. Had to realize that my confirmation bias and ego were way out of whack, had to reel it in and do a hard look / work to fix it. c. As soon as I fixed it, I changed; just as I changed, the fakes in my life started having a problem with it and fought back. d. I didn't fight them; just walked away from those idiots and didn't look back. e. The more I articulate who I am, I realize what type of relationships I want and will take on, which ones I need to avoid, so that I can continue to grow as a person. 7. Chronic depression is actually a misnomer; as it's chronic but not really depression. a. It is chronic mistreatment of your real self. b. It is chronic mistreatment of your cognitive processes. c. Is is chronic mistreatment of your emotions. d. You're stuck in an endless loop in all three areas. e. What is called chronic depression has no medical basis, management nor cure. f. Therefore it's the domain of the mind, psychology and to a wider extent of society, thus sociology comes into play. g. Chronic depression has much in common with neurosis, neutrotic behavior, more specifically a more advanced and masochistic form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) of the Cluster C personality types. h. I need to make the distinction between psychotic and chronic depression, they aren't the same thing, they have completely different modus operandi, as with the causal links are different, too. i. The belief that you need to fit in, in order to be considered worthy, to be considered a friend, to be a human (or more human) is what drives this obsession with perfection, to ironically fit into a role that's less than real. At one level you know this to be a fact but the urge is so strong to have a connection with someone, you subjugate your own real self, to attempt to hold on to what you want so dear; kinship. Your problems flare up because you realize that no matter how hard you try, it's never good enough, you try harder. You get hit harder with the truth of the matter, it's not working. You try even harder after that, the point gets driven home again, even harder. j. Rejection has a sting like no other but what hurts more than rejection from others is rejecting your true self. You don't realize by doing just that, you're hurting yourself twice. Once trying to keep up a false image of yourself for society in general and people you associate with and also not being true to / with yourself. k. Once you realize all of this and begin to fix yourself, other people on the road to recovery will come find you, they want a real friend that knows what it's like to deal with this horrible crud that's named as Chronic Depression. l. To get rid of what's called Chronic Depression is to start being honest with yourself, get a checklist of what you're doing now, bending to other peoples' will to get into / stay in a friendship or relationship (this applies to every orientation, regardless). Look at what's not working, what other people do that are authentic and how they find other authentic people, how they do what they do. More than likely, the more you let the real self out, it will probably match the lists of other real people of what they will deal with and what they won't. Another way to look at it is this; give people clear boundaries and what you expect of them, don't internalize your boundaries in your own head, this also pushes you further into misery. Boundaries, are to be healthy, which are rules of interaction between you and other people, as a said before never to be internalized because of fears of rejection. Yeah, you'll get rejected, however, it's how you deal with that rejection that will be for your better or worse. What I do seems radical because it's so different than what you think and believe now. As you fix your own internal world, your thoughts and beliefs begin to change, too. This is the very thing that the fake people rebel against, it scares them really good, just remember this quote, "There is no knowledge that is not power". Don't be afraid to be your true self, besides you don't want to hang around fakes, you'll realize they're more trouble than they're worth and they'll give you a hell of a headache after awhile.
  13. Right, there are different styles and conditions within the aromantic orientation, easiest way to explain it is that aromanticism is a spectrum. Just as there is romantic repulsion, romantic adversion or romantic indifference, which has to do with the psychological attachments of a given individual, which I prefer to call a "style" or how you a approach a specific situation and how you deal with it. Type type of platonic relationships also have a style associated with it. You're into having a lot of different acquaintances that don't get that deep, which is fine. I'm fine with a lot of friends of acquaintances, too but also have the yearning to be another aromantic woman that just gets me, preferably another hetero-demisexual (not that sex would ever occur, just looking to match up more parameters for compatibility purposes). It's interesting in psychology and psychiatry, they talk about the attachments as one static set of measurements for the entire personality, not giving it a second thought that the attachments can't be generalized for every single transaction or situation a person could / would find themselves in. Personalities are multi-dimensional as are the orientations that help shape them. The one place that lady may find what she's looking for might be on the following site; https://www.not4dating.com I've used this site a handful of times.
  14. Sorry about that, I misconstrued what you were getting at. My apologies on the long winded response, too. Oh, I think I know who you're referring to. She was really sensitive and critical of men in general. I do believe she had many unarticulated reasons for what she was experiencing. In the private messages her nickname was, "ticking time-bomb". I still have my account on asexuality.org, are in the normal forums and AVEN sub-forums but I actually feel really out of place on that website. There is far too much sensitivity and hyper aggression to different orientations to be healthy. However, I haven't logged in almost half a month or more because of these problems.
  15. I've had chronic depression spanning many decades, I had it since I was eight, it never really went away until I really didn't "give a f***" about other peoples' feelings. Despite my training in psychology and psychiatry, it's a different animal when you're dealing with it on a personal basis and peoples' own comfirmation bias is unknown or if they do know about it, they're avoiding examination therein. What that all means is, that I grew tired of, "having to explain myself to others". I no longer do it, my chronic depression disappeared amount instantaneously. The causal link to my depression was that I was never good enough because, I'm not like them, as they call themselves normal. Although, I would correct them and state there is no such thing as normal, only society defines what they consider normal but it doesn't make it right, nor sane. I've always been considered an outcast by society, people making all kinds of crap up about me without an actual thing I did wrong other than not being like them. They believe that what I am is a choice and not an actual orientation. I figured, that vast majoirty of the public are too stupid to figure out the truth of what I am, let alone just let me be, to work on their own problems instead of inventing new ones or starting fights with others. With that being said, you can't argue with idiots, they'll beat you with experience; meaning it's not about what's right, it's what's popular, that wins the argument. Besides, I spent an inordinate amount of time in my youth up until thirty eight years old and tried to fit in; it was all in vain, of course. When someone tears me down, I proceed to use my skills to annihilate my aggressors. Psychoanalyzing their behavior when they don't want it, is the best revenge. The problem these days, people tell you to avoid conflict, that doesn't work anymore. The people in an older generation, that makes sense for those people of their age group but not when you run into people that have malignant narcissism. They keep bugging the crap out of you until you deal with them accordingly. The "grey rock" priniciple works good for individuals that are in between sub-clinical to a clinical case of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD, for short). However, once they are of clinical NPD, they're different beast to deal with. Everyone has narcissism, most of the time, it's healthy or beneficial narcissism. The one thing that I've noticed is that people with a clinical case of NPD tend to have multiple cellphones, tablets and anything they can get that allows them to take photos of themselves, their objects of their desires and mass use of social media. Before this time, NPD was fairly rare in the entire population and when someone was diagnosed, it was even more rare for the cases to be really bad, granted, that did happen. Now, I'm seeing a sharp rise in Cluster B personality types and associated disorders. NPD is a part of the Cluster B diagnosis. The one thing they have in common, they only care about themselves. If you try to pry their masks off that they so carefully put in place to prove to the world they're not ill / sick. You're in for a real fight. However, people that are narcissists hate and I do mean hate people that are different from them, especially if you don't agree with their line of thinking. This is where being aromantic is a blessing and a curse, I can see the narcissist spooling up to screw with me, my emotions don't cloud my thinking, I can see they're trying to use romance and other tactics to bring me under their control. The curse is, that these Cluster Bs know I'm very different than them, it angers and fightens them at the same time. It's like peoples' fear response but on steroids. The so-called normal people aren't normal at all, if they mess with you, they're not emotionally sound, let alone mature enough to understand, that it's not a good idea to do that. You keep doing you, screw what everyone else thinks of you, be a loud and proud aromantic, that's just what you are. Just remember this; nothing real can be challenged. The majority of the masses don't actually believe in what they're saying, they're just parroting a bunch of bullsh*t. Being aromantic doesn't mean you can't find that special someone, it just won't be romantic but in a platonic (friendship) sense. I get the equivalent of a romantic crush in a platonic way, known as a squish. Romantics fall deep in limerance and aromantics fall deep in friendship. Us aromantics are perfectly capable of giving love to others and to receive it, just incompatible with the romance aspect which isn't actually love, anyhow. By the way, the Diagnostic Statistical Manual revision 5 is pretty much a joke, stick with the DSM IV. The 5th revision was designed to help the pharmaceudical industry get their foot in the door further to make more money on phantom disorders and syndromes. The new conditions were created to assist in profit engineering, nothing more. The ICD 10 is quite a bit more accurate and from what I've seen up to this point, ICD 11 will reflect greater accuracy than DSM V is now. Besides the DSM and ICD series of diagnostic manuals are only as good as the practitioner. It's to be used as a reference point but not the end all. There is so much that psychologists, psychiatrists, medical doctors (plain MDs not psychiatrists, like NUPs which are MDs, too) and sociologists have yet to learn about the mind, biochemistry and biophysics. Many act as if they know how to cure everything with a prescription, sorry to say this but that's just managing symptoms, not fixing an actual problem. The social sciences are based on observation. Who's to say that when the observer comes to a conclusion, will be the correct one. I'll be the first to admit this, we're still operating in the dark on a great many subjects but act like we all know what we're talking about when it comes to psychology, psychaitry and medicine. Sure they're has been some remarkable discoveries along the way but it's a travesty to apply the same rules to people who don't comform to pseudo-normalcy (social norms), in need of a clinical diagnosis. Perhaps we've gone too far, I saw videos of what was happening to people in the LGBT community in the 1970s, treating their orientations as psychiatric diseases. Torturing these poor souls; shock therapy, etc. It speaks volumes about my former trade, instead of learning about new stuff, they apply the same old rules to everyone. Of course they'll appear to be sick, if you do that. However, the true psychiatric illness is applying the same old rules to entirely different circumstances, expecting the same result, to make someone sane by doing inhumane things to them. Doing the same thing, over and over again, getting a different result than what's expected, is the very defintion of insanity.
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