Sexual attraction as felt by aros

[omitef]

@Mark That doesn't surprise me. Romance is treated as the ultimate attraction, the superior, must-have attraction--because apparently unless you desire someone romantically, you don't truly desire them at all. Because apparently, romance is the only acceptable emotion you can have if you want to be intimate with someone. Of course sexual attraction isn't considered as important. Because sexual attraction, that's just physical, right? There's no emotional component involved with sex. At all. /sarcasm

[Untamed Heart]

I don't really understand why it's so hard for some people to grasp that some people really don't feel romantic and sexual attraction for people of a single (or both) gender at once (OK, I do, it's mostly amatonormativity/heteronormativity lol). Pretty sure a lot of allos have felt that way about someone, even if they don't recognise it the same way we do. I am just speculating, though, but I don't think it's inconceivable that someone who normally experiences both sexual/romantic attraction at the same time, for people of the same gender at least, can experience only one or the other towards the odd person, whereas that would be the norm for a varioriented person. 

[Ace of Amethysts]

On 21/02/2017 at 7:51 AM, omitef said:

@Mark That doesn't surprise me. Romance is treated as the ultimate attraction, the superior, must-have attraction--because apparently unless you desire someone romantically, you don't truly desire them at all. Because apparently, romance is the only acceptable emotion you can have if you want to be intimate with someone. Of course sexual attraction isn't considered as important. Because sexual attraction, that's just physical, right? There's no emotional component involved with sex. At all. /sarcasm

This post makes me feel terrible for some reason.

[Ettina]

On 2/21/2017 at 4:55 AM, Mark said:

I once encountered someone who insisted that all bisexuals must be biromantic. But, curiously, not that all biromantics must be bisexual.
Effectively claiming that sexual attraction must be associated with romantic attraction.

Ironically, the most common type of split attraction (at least according to the one and only study I've found) is heteroromantic bisexual. 

[DeltaAro]

It's really interesting how much the split attraction model is becoming vindicated (I feel for heteroromantic homosexuals or homoromantic heterosexuals, they probably don't have it easy).

 

I was skeptical about the split attraction model first, too, but it is more easily to accept if we notice how effortlessly the brain manages to give us a mix of different inputs/sensations/feelings/etc. which then seem totally unified to us in normal circumstances.

 

For example, persons with normal eyesight are not consciously aware that they have light-intensity-receptors (rods) and colored-light-receptors (RGB cones) in their retina. When the light becomes dimmer, it's not like abruptly switching to black and white vision, no, we gradually shift to black and white vision. The “split-color-vison model” only becomes apparent if something goes wrong or we do a special experiment, like seeing chimerical colors, that can only be explained by this model.

[Queen of Spades]

I've only been sexually attracted to one boy so far. To me, it happens gradually. At first it was all about thoughts and fantasies. My mind started wandering about, if you know what I mean, Then as time passed, my body started reacting when I thought about him, too. The thought of being intimate with him is such a turn-on. This is how it works in my case. I have a strong desire for us to be skin against skin, to explore his body, and have him explore mine, and to feel his body as close to mine as possible in every way. 

[Gingerplume]

This is such an interesting thread. Personally, I don't quite experience instant sexual attraction, but close to it. I need to see/hear someone 'in motion' a little bit to provoke my interest. Spending an hour or two 'with' someone (whether that's literally in conversation/activities with them as themselves, or watching someone performing on a stage or screen- I work on-off in theatre) is usually enough to know whether I have a desire for them on a physical level. Sometimes I need a day or two to sort of stew on it, but often I'll know after that first meeting.

 

What exactly attracts me to someone is a question I wrestle with 24/7. I tend to just throw up my hands and call it 'charisma'. I don't have a type as such; it's all in the way someone just *is*. It's a particular attitude and sense of humour, combined with a particular expressiveness of features.

 

Sexual attraction itself, for me, feels like being hungry/greedy for a specific food. It's distracting, you keep thinking of the act and you can almost taste/feel it. You want to skip out on whatever you're supposed to be doing and indulge in it regardless of whether it's entirely healthy. There are, uh, physiological arousal reactions which I won't trouble you all with graphic details of, though I will say at its most intense I've felt brief headaches from it! (But I suspect that's just a stress/frustration response I have due to being a naturally stressy person, and not necessarily a common experience.)

 

Actions I categorise as sexual are overt sex acts, any kind of physical contact in states of undress or intimate settings like a bed, and kissing anywhere other than cheek/nose/forehead. These are the things I feel compulsion to do with people I'm sexually attracted to. I categorise 'safe for work' contact, like kissing, cuddling on the couch or holding hands in the street, as tokens of romantic attraction- and I virtually never feel an urge to do these. If I was going to imagine or do those it would be because my sex partner wanted them on a sensual level, not because they're part of my desires. Sensual attraction for me is moot- I don't want to do sensual things with people I'm not sexually into.

 

The emotional level is a bit less clear-cut. I need to spend non-sex time with sexual partners as a trust- and bond-maintaining thing, just like you need to spend time and do fun stuff with any close friend. In a fully romantic relationship, I feel like those bonding acts are usually used as an unspoken method of escalating the relationship towards spending more and more time together and eventually life-combining. For me, they're maintenance, not escalation. That's something I just need to be very communicative about with partners.

[aro_elise]

Well, you've come to the right person.  It seriously freaks me out when people see a connection between romantic and sexual attraction, or are able to have a simultaneously romantic and sexual relationship.  Of course the concept of romantic attraction in general is bizarre, but...anyway.  Yeah, a lot of it's based on looks.  As someone else said, I can find lots of people aesthetically attractive (including girls), and the entirety of the much smaller group I find sexually attractive is within the male part of the former group.  I don't know how to explain to aces what makes these particular people sexually attractive to me, but I know they tend to share some common traits.  See, I'm emo trash, so I go for that whole look, you know what I'm talking about.  I have a pretty specific type, but it can vary a little.  Some things which can add to my attraction to someone are their personality/behaviour--let me clarify, I don't conflate platonic attraction with sexual either; though they can be simultaneously present, they're unrelated--I mean if I find something hot about the way they act.  Similarly, interests/talents, like how I find so many band members hot.  As for how it manifests, sometimes I do just think 'he's hot, I want to make out with him/fuck him,' but even then, I'm not really, like, thinking about it; it's more of a feeling.  Now, I may sound like the stereotypical misconception, you know, very sexual, all about hooking up, but if anything I might be less sexual than the average person, and I'm actually virgin, by the strict definition.  My strong friendships are among the most important things in my life, not to mention that I enjoy my own company; sexual attraction and interaction is just something kinda fun, really not a big deal.          

[NullVector]

On 2017-6-17 at 11:39 AM, Gingerplume said:

 

The emotional level is a bit less clear-cut. I need to spend non-sex time with sexual partners as a trust- and bond-maintaining thing, just like you need to spend time and do fun stuff with any close friend. In a fully romantic relationship, I feel like those bonding acts are usually used as an unspoken method of escalating the relationship towards spending more and more time together and eventually life-combining. For me, they're maintenance, not escalation. That's something I just need to be very communicative about with partners.

 

I'd like to communicate something similar, I think ('life-combining' *shudders*) How successful have your communications been in the past? (or is this post more hypothetical? all of mine are, lol). Is it something that partners struggle to "get" in your experience? Or have you had some positive experiences with being communicative like this?

[DeltaAro]

On 6/29/2017 at 0:27 PM, aro_elise said:

Now, I may sound like the stereotypical misconception, you know, very sexual, all about hooking up, no emotions, but if anything I'm less sexual than the average person, and I'm actually virgin, by the strict definition. 

Yes, it just seems this way. As mentioned in the first post of this thread:

On 6/20/2016 at 2:17 AM, paporomantic said:

It would be useful to read about what happens specifically in aro (gray)sexuals' minds when they're attracted sexually because, in their case, there's no romantic 'noise' and it's easier to discern raw sexual attraction.

raw doesn't mean strong... though they're usually confused with each other.

On 6/17/2017 at 0:39 PM, Gingerplume said:

The emotional level is a bit less clear-cut. I need to spend non-sex time with sexual partners as a trust- and bond-maintaining thing, just like you need to spend time and do fun stuff with any close friend. In a fully romantic relationship, I feel like those bonding acts are usually used as an unspoken method of escalating the relationship towards spending more and more time together and eventually life-combining. For me, they're maintenance, not escalation. That's something I just need to be very communicative about with partners.

It sounds you're like one of the few people here who don't have any problems to maintain those relationships. I have problems to even begin one. I surely don't want to hit on my friends. Last time I had sex was with a complete stranger and everything went so fast that it felt quite weird to suggest “to meet again”...

[Apathetic Echidna]

I have a bit of trouble separating aesthetic, sensual and sexual attraction, and as they are sort of tied together for me I have started using the term aesthetic appreciation where most people use aesthetic attraction as I feel it fits my experience better.  Whatever it is, it is very instantaneous. When I meet someone for the first time it is either there or it is not (I have only had it happen 3 times in my life so far out of the hundreds of people I have met). I don't really notice a sexual component at first, maybe because the other attractions overwhelm it for awhile or I experience responsive sexual attraction. Don't know, there are so few instances of it happening it is kindof insufficient data to produce conclusions.   

[SamwiseLovesLife]

3 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

I have a bit of trouble separating aesthetic, sensual and sexual attraction, and as they are sort of tied together for me I have started using the term aesthetic appreciation where most people use aesthetic attraction as I feel it fits my experience better.  Whatever it is, it is very instantaneous. When I meet someone for the first time it is either there or it is not

I relate to this but for me it can be gradual, growing due to fondness for the peson and such. I often feel sensual attraction for friends the more I get to know them, wanting to have skin to skin contact and be close to them physically

[briesplease]

So far I'm very heterosexual and VERY aromantic so my sexual attraction is usually aesthetically tied. I usually immediately know I'm sexually attracted and move to initiate a sexual interaction (Seems aggressive, but it's more casual, consenting, and context appropriate than I described and not very frequent.). These feelings aren't usually tied, or followed by any romantic desires, but maybe more sexual ones lol. I do tend to have sexual desires for the same person for a long time. 

 

My sexual attraction is more physical than say my sensual desires to caress or cuddle my friends which develop with time from a want to show I care physically. and the way I FEEL is very different when experiencing these.

[eatingcroutons]

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Edited September 1, 2021 by eatingcroutons

[Costati]

So here's my really really long novel about my sexual attraction. Because it's something that I figured out basically last week so really new and something that is really really complicated (that's why it took me a ton of tiiiime) so if you're interest in a random person's weird and complicated sexual attraction hope you'll enjoy. If not, I really don't blame you. I probably wouldn't read that for someone else either. It was still therapeutic for me to write it

I realized really recently that I'm not allo heterosexual like I thought all my life. It's something that I've always been sure about because I have a really higher libido than average and has always been really obsessed with sex. Especially since I'm 100% aro, I think I was really overcompensating because what I thought was sexual attraction was the only one I could feel (except platonic but I've really overcompensated on that too I was obsessed with having a best friend it was borderline creepy). I never felt aesthetic attraction which I thought was just me being not superficial. Before I realized that it's not that at all since being superficial would be only liking someone for their looks when feeling aesthetic attraction is just recognizing that someone looks in a way that we find artistically beautiful. I never did. It can be weird to imagine but to me everyone looks not the same but just really plain. What I feel are vibes which is not like charisma at all. It's what I call emotional and intellectual attraction. I need to say that I'm precocious and that makes me really really good at feeling emphatically what others people are feeling and understanding their proccessus of thought and reflexions. That creates two other forms of attraction for me. I can be attracted to someone if I sense they share an intense set of emotions that I'm close to. Mostly sadness if they share a sadness that seems similar to the one I can feel sometimes I feel like I could easily connect emotionally to them and that makes me want to be close to them and share deep personal problems about my life or just things that could trigger a really emotional moment (even if it's with a stranger. It's never us crying it's just that I feel other emotions even it's unconscious and it connects with mine. There's not even the need to be talking it's just being in sync emotionally). I also feel intellectual attraction which is something that officially exist I think. Anyway if it doesn't it's an attraction I feel so it clearly exists to me and that's what matters. It's when I'm instinctively perceptive enough to truly understand how a person process of thoughts and dealing with emotion or just dealing with everything seems like they're really unique and interesting person (they don't have to be in sync to me aaaat all compared to emotional attraction) I feel like I can have deep philosophical conversations with them or just really learn a lot from their experiences and create a really special bond that if associate to platonic attraction can create a really great relationship even stronger than friendship (especially if it's paired with emotional attraction that's like the ultimate combination). It doesn't have to be tho. I don't want to be friends with everyone I feel intellectually attracted to. A lot of times they have really shitty personalities but that's what's really attractive. Because they're people that are really don't necessarily like or have anything in common with me. But they expose to me another point of view of things and push me to challenge myself and be more aware of nuances in life. 

When it concerns sexual attraction it's really complicated to me and mostly really really new (which is why it's so complicated I think). Because yeah it hit me like 1 month ago I think that I was really not attracted to people. I've discovered that I'm Androcupiosexual (which is a combination of androsexual and cupiosexual I guess it doesn't technically officially exists but it makes sense to me and it's my label so I'm pretty sure I'm that). Which mean that I'm sexually attracted to male (androsexual) and that even if I'm not sexually attracted to people I want to have sexual relationships. I'm sexually attracted to male bodies but never to people which made me think I was heterosexual and then I listened to what heterosexual people had to say about being sexually attracted to people and that's not me because they're sexually attracted to peooople. They can have fantasies about people because it's these person in particular that they can want. It's something that I never felt. I've tried before to format myself to have celebrity crushes and fantasies because everyone had them. I realized pretty soon that I'd better focus on the sexual part of that than on the romantic part because obviously it didn't seem interesting at all to me to have a celebrity crush to marry me and take me on dates but sexual relationship yeah it could be fun to imagine. Like I said I've always been obsessed and interested by sex. But even if I was interested in the idea because it seems fun and I had some celebrities in mind that I felt I could get along with because I felt intellectually or emotionally attracted to (it's easy to tell when they're artists like actors or singers) and that's like really TMI but I've never felt turned on by thinking about them. Thinking about scenarios where I had sex yeah that's super cool super great but I just thought about sex and eventually about bodies because that's what turned me on at the end of the day. I never thought someone was hot because I actually don't get sexually attracted to people and the fact that I don't feel either aesthetic attraction makes it worst. Btw so you can imagine because I feel like it's weird to imagine since I've never met anyone else ever in my life that didn't fell aesthetic attraction. When I say I'm attracted to male bodies that's like every one. Someone with a muscular body do not seem more appealing in any way than someone with a bigger body and a bit of tummy fat. It's the same level of attraction to both. Which takes it back to Cupiosexual because I want sexual relationships. I would love to have a qpp I could have sex with because I think it's something really fun and that I don't really mind. Which I feel is what's cupio is. "I don't mind" that's the key. It's not something that I crave for (I mean my libido sometimes but not really me). It's not something that I'll actively searched for and in the end it wouldn't bother me at all to live the rest of my life only being with myself on that part. It's not something that I need as opposed to friendship, emotional and intellectual connections (I feel lonely, ununderstood and useless without these types of relationships/encounters) but it's something that I don't mind. If a friend that I'm close to wants to have sex with me well yeah okay why not. (not my best friend tho that would be really weird and creepy to me) If it's good for them sure, it'll be probably neutral for me (better with someone with a male's body that's for sure but I still don't care that much). Because these type of relationships interest me. I don't need to have another form of attraction to have sexual interactions with someone (for me that is platonic, emotional or intellectual) but I can't have sexual interactions with someone if I am deeply unattracted to them with another form of attraction. In order it's Intellectual is the most important, then emotional than platonic. I think I could have sex with someone that is really repulsive to me platonically/friendshiply (because platonically seems like neutral to me when friendshiply is more positive so you get it) but I really don't think I could if they're emotionally or intellectually repulsive to me. I think it could balanced itself tho like I probably could if I'm super super super intellectually attracted to them but they're really emotionally repulsive to me. (because intellectual attraction is the most important one to me) 

[NullVector]

On 5/23/2018 at 12:04 AM, eatingcroutons said:

I know I'm replying to some really old posts here but this thread was a really interesting read, and I had thoughts, so!

This thread is badass, so please feel no guilt for bringing it back! ?

 

On 5/23/2018 at 12:04 AM, eatingcroutons said:

but pushing yourself outside your comfort zone is definitely a good way to start.

Haha, you have identified my Kryptonite! (well, that and probably some latent shyness/self-esteem issues). But thanks for the insightful advice and I will try to take it!

[Elz]

Cool thread! 

 

I think I only really find people attractive when I'm already horny. I never get distracted because someone's attractive, but I will find certain people more attractive if I'm actively looking for a sexual partner? 

 

Of course this is also tied up with the fact that I'm pretty sure I have some level of prosopagnosia (faceblindness) , and I have to have known someone for a while before their face sticks in my mind well enough that I'm even able to find them attractive. And if by this point I've discovered I don't like them as a person, I'm not going to find them attractive. 

 

So I only find people attractive when I'm horny, I've known them for a while, and we're reasonably friendly and get along and even then I don't find most people attractive, or find anyone distractingly attractive. 

[NotHeartless]

I didn't understand my sexual attraction for a long time and couldn't put into words if and when I've felt it.
I always had a physical response to visual stimulation (with porn or comics rated R) and a noticeable libido. And I always enjoyed masturbation.
But when it came to people in real life, most of the time I felt nothing. If I imagined a naked girl or guy standing in front of me I only felt indifference.
The first time I had sex it was most of all because I was curious. Sometimes it felt mediocre, sometimes pretty good.
I enjoy seeing and hearing the reactions to the things I do the most. And the more I think of it, the more I assume I have voyeuristic tendencies
(though I wouldn't go out and spy on people).
I enjoy being touched too but not so much as the former.

And after all these years I now come to understand - the only people I can feel (as described in the thread) raw, sexual hunger for are people who I'm close to.
In my case: friends. Not all of them, all the time. But definitely some.
This striked me as odd. I'm odd.
I don't love anyone romantically but still would fuck my friends (if they want to).
Yeah I don't think anyone can understand it besides some other aros and maybe demisexuals.
Sometimes I wish I could go over to two of my male friends and just say "Hey, I had a hot dream of you and me last night" and they would just answer "Nice, tell me about it".
But it's just socially unacceptable - especially because the "aromantic experience" includes seeing many of your friends getting into a relationship, getting married, having kids.
And I only wish for someone that would want to hang out with me once or twice a week, who likes me (platonically), wants to talk and wants to satisfy sexual needs together, have fun.
No wonder I wished I was ace (or not aro). But I'm not. The dreams, the hot feeling I got nearby one of my friends, the detailed fantasy in my head speak a clear language.
Being allosexual would help too, then I could get it on with strangers. But there needs to be some kind of trust and understanding and otherwise I just don't feel sexual attraction, for like 80% of the time.
Sorry for the whining I needed to get this out of my head. It was a hell of a ride. And it's difficult to admit I'm feeling what I'm feeling since it's embarrassing.
So in conclusion I only feel sexual attraction for people I'm somewhat emotionally close to. Guess it could mean I'm demi but still don't want to put myself in that category.
And there are times when I see strangers where I think Damn, he/she's so good-looking. Or where I wonder what the person might be like between the sheets.

[BlueKumul]

I'm rather sensitive with visual attraction. Looking at an attractive girl feels addictive. I'm especially interested in the belly and waist, seeing a girl's navel feels strangely intimate. Touch can also trigger a sexual desire, especially if it's soft, delicate touch. Having my sexual fantasies and desires accepted by people close to me is also enticing.

 

I've sometimes had sexual dreams about women I don't find attractive IRL, but I don't understand why.

[Blake]

This has been an excellent thread to read. Gonna try to revive it. I am aro and the way I experience sexual attraction is kinda weird. I want to feel connected to the other person, can't be a random person. After having a connection, my next step is to just talk about life and our experiences of life. That is it, after that if we both want sex then so be it, but I need to know that the person I would be having sex wants to share they life. Dinner? Sure, just two person eating and having fun. Kisses? Eh, i don't feel anything by it, it's just swapping saliva with someone else. Hand holding? Only to share heat and not freeze my hands.

Before a sex partner i want a friend. Someone I can have fun without the romance, because it's just so weird the things done in the name of love. Like having at least a sliver of control is not hard. The thing is, people want to feel loved, but the only kind of love that they believe exist is romantic one. I love my friends just because they are my friends, no romance involved, I love they have X things in them, be it a hot body, an open mind, or that we like a lot of the same things.

A personal experience: Just us hanging out and enjoying some dinner, and watching series. And I ask normally if they wanna bang. Casually, cuz is not a big fuss. We just shut down whatever we were doing and just bang. Nothing more, another activity we are doing together, and no romo involved. That is the kind of relationship im down for. The sad thing is that now we graduate, so we are going away each one of us, but we gonna mantain communication (i really hope so).

So yeah, my case is very rare i think, but i see sex just as another fun thing to do, and i found others who see it like that. In this relationship i am the only aro, the others are alloromantics but they respect me and treat me as an equal in the weird thing we have, we all have the same position, a partner in crime. ^^ Hope you guys enjoyed my monologue.

[Tarantulapaws]

I've been curious about how other aros had a tendency to feel myself. For me personally it's a bit of a toss up. To put it simply, upon inspection now, I don't define my sexual attraction as something I need other people around to feel- (Edit again: what I mean here is that I am in a mood for no reason in particular and certaintly not because of a person) and while I don't define myself as ace anymore, it's a little different apparently. Or at least, from what I'm reading from other people here. That's not to say I'm not attracted to other people, though. Just that I'm less interested.  Maybe it's just the lack of romantic component in my attractions, or something else. I don't know. There is also the aesthetic factor in it, because I can find people attractive and prefer to appearance of one person over someone else.

Over all, as much as we can split up attractions, I have a hard time doing that myself... Even when there is no strictly "romantic" attraction.

 

Edit: Aaaaand I never answered your questions!!! Uh as far as brain processes go, it's a goal set beside me finding something aesthetically pleasing about another person. Example being that I find vampires pretty neat because I think fangs are cool. I'm coincidentally also really attracted to characters like that in the media I watch. From there it's a downhill spiral.

[Tarantulapaws]

On 11/16/2018 at 4:44 AM, the-probable-aro said:

Cool thread! 

 

I think I only really find people attractive when I'm already horny. I never get distracted because someone's attractive, but I will find certain people more attractive if I'm actively looking for a sexual partner? 

 

Of course this is also tied up with the fact that I'm pretty sure I have some level of prosopagnosia (faceblindness) , and I have to have known someone for a while before their face sticks in my mind well enough that I'm even able to find them attractive. And if by this point I've discovered I don't like them as a person, I'm not going to find them attractive. 

 

So I only find people attractive when I'm horny, I've known them for a while, and we're reasonably friendly and get along and even then I don't find most people attractive, or find anyone distractingly attractive. 

 

I... actually experience real similar. Down to the good possibility of faceblindness and even losing interest in people you don't have respect for. I'm honestly a little shocked and it's making me wonder if my neurodivergencies are somehow working with my sexual orientation. In any case, it's just really cool to read that someone experiences similar.

[Qim]

Sexual attraction is a mystery to me. I know I'm not asexual, but not sure I'm allosexual either.

I can see someone and think they're hot/sexy, I can see the sex appeal other people may have and understand and appreciate erotism, but I rarely see a person and think "I'd f*ck them". I'm also completely indifferent about sex; I'm not repulsed by it, but I can live without it, it's unimportant to me.

[Blake]

On 5/23/2020 at 11:33 PM, Qim said:

I'm also completely indifferent about sex; I'm not repulsed by it, but I can live without it, it's unimportant to me.

^ I think this is very important for people to understand. That there are people that just...can live without having sex and enjoy life jusst the same way anyone else does. (Bit of a rant here) It is so annoying that people think they are entitled to know parts of my life just cuz they can. It is my life, and I do whatever they (insert bad word) I want with it. It by no means affect your life so shut the (insert  bad word) up and leave me alone. If I am having sex, it is my business who I am having it with. If I am not having it, it is still my business.  Right now, it has been over a year the last time I had sex, and I haven't died nor I think I am losing anything important in life. (end rant) Like Quim said, it is unimportant to me. Maybe I will have it in the future, but that is up to me and the other part who would be involved to decide.

Also I would like to add (this is more of intersection between sexual attraction and meds), for those of us who take meds: antidepressants; anxiolytics; antipsychotics. They do affect how we feel sexual attraction. I do not have a study that correlates them specifically, but from my personal experience I can speak. Getting aroused was easy before being on meds (I could focus on an image and maybe I could start getting in the mood), after I started taking them, my libido is 10km below ground (I had to really put effort in it and the outcome was so little that I just got tired and stopped trying). When changing meds, my cleaning weeks (1-2 week of not taking meds so I can change from one antidepressant to the other) I got my libido back, and then it dropped again 2 days after starting new med. And the combination of meds, is not something pretty but I am fine with it since it keeps me alive. So I guess that what I'm saying is that doctors don't tell you about the secondary effect of basically losing your libido when taking meds, and it may lead on taking life from a different perspective. It is not bad, not having sexual attraction, it just means that we can conquer the world easier :3 (also that we are dragons)

Edit: I forgot to mention why it happens. Ok, a bit of anatomy and science. If you  have a male body, the penis gets it's erection because of the increased blood flow, so what the meds do here is (not every drug is exactly the same way but the concept is similar) regulate your blood flow and levels of some neurotransmitters (serotonin) and hormones (dopamine). So when you think an image that makes you aroused, your brain see it and treats the rise of blood pressure as something that should not happen so it kinda blocks it, but since it can only block some and not all, you still get an effect, but not the one that originally could have happened. For the female body is basically the same effect, but the blood pressure doesn't play a huge role, what plays the role is that the brain blocks rises of dopamine levels, and this leads to the brain shutting the body of arousal. So yeah, this is a lot more complex but this is somewhat the gist of what is happening

Edited June 5, 2020 by Blake

[chairdesklamp]

I wasn't gonna comment since I'm also ace (under the "does not experience" definition. If cupiosexual is a word, that's where I sit because I can enjoy the act under specific conditions of "I feel safe with this guy, he is not ableist, fatphobic, is not after the money I don't even have a lot of/is not using me for a meal ticket, is not looking for an Asian body to colonise, is not transphobic, does not hate the hearing impaired, does not One Drop Rule me to whatever's currently convenient, does not see my being an immigrant or non-native speaker as a prooooooblem, does not express any other racism, respects me being Buddhist, being in social work, and is anti-bigotry in general" which, really, this is America. It's like asking for a ski resort in Miami) 

But @NotHeartless's description, limit the partner to male and the hugging and cuddling stuff, turn way up (no kissing, though. Never liked that beyond peck on the cheek) and that's exactly what I want. In two partners would be great, but, skiing in Miami. So, in the end, I get a lot of aroallo pain. And of course, we've been so pushed out of things like having groups at LGBT centres thanks to amatonormative respectability politics (which there's a lot of weirdness and arophobia around NSA/ONS) we're all islands. 

Also, @NotHeartless how do you call what you want? Because the read I get off QPRs is not like that. You're the first not-me person I've seen express that. How do you frame the wanting the relationship part of it? I'm leaning towards homoalterous for myself, but I'm pretty darn new to shucking my amatonormative brainwashing and realising "romantic attraction is it's own thing, not they expressed interest and I'm lonely and not repulsed by them so that must be compatibility" or "nice and I really enjoy their company, and this doesn't feel familial and we're both single and are compatible in orientation and other criteria, also their looks/hygiene/etc are not repulsive. This must be romantic and sexual attraction"

I used to skate by on "don't like mushy stuff" for romantic, also. 

Sorry if I'm glutting up the thread since I can't speak to the topic at hand. Just, never seen anyone else say some of these things ever. And I'm losing my hair and starting to wrinkle, so first time ever for a good few decades of life, here.