Queen of Spades

I don’t really understand the sense of all those over-the-top metaphors when expressing your love for someone. “Her eyes make the stars look like they’re not shining.” ”Take my breath away.” Huh? o.O

Alterous attraction is complex and also still not as commonly known as other types, which is why I was thinking that sharing this experience could be helpful in terms of insight. This is how I feel it, at least, so here we go. When I was 17, I used to spend a lot of time on a translation website as I’ve always had a thing for languages. One day, a woman living in my country but in a different town approached me on the chat. She would initiate conversations on a regular basis until we grew close enough to see each other as friends. Months went by and our friendship flourished. I found myself trusting her more than I trusted some friends in real life and she would also share her worries and trouble with me, so it was mutual. I remember how I could hardly wait for another chat with her. How much I enjoyed talking to her about this and that, how I could truly be myself, knowing she would never judge me. I remember how, when I was 18, I would feel a sting in my heart whenever she would refer to some IRL friend of hers as her best friend, as I wished so badly she felt the same way about me. At the same time, I would also feel uneasy and sad somehow when she would mention going on a date with some guy. More time went by, and sensual attraction came into picture as well. I started daydreaming about cuddling with her, holding her hand, sleeping by her side. I craved to be held in her embrace. It was then that I knew what I felt for her was going beyond normal friendship. I was 19 and would dream about a scenario where we are each other’s number one, spending quality time, but also sharing these moments of affection on a regular basis. Later, she confessed to me that in 30 years of life, she had never felt comfortable to become that intimate with a guy - with the idea of sex, that is. She also shared some more insight which made me realise she was asexual. Since I’m not sexually attracted to women at all, it would have worked perfectly between us if… if I were what she was looking for. But I knew that I was not because she was heteroromantic, so what a guy could give her would probably make my kind of love pale into insignificance in her eyes. (she was complaining she dated guy X but felt no spark, and how she wished she felt the flame of love again, and, well, I was like “huh?”). It was hard for me to comprehend - if the sex part is off the list, but we have this strong bond, and we can talk about anything, and we have physical (non-sexual) affection, what more could she want? My aromantic brain can’t process it, so yeah. The idea is, I never confessed my feelings because I knew she wanted a man. So if I couldn’t have her as my significant other, I would settle for us being best friends and cherish it. She then had a boyfriend who in the end cheated on her and she was heartbroken. Later, she told me about some nasty experiences on dating sites and it killed me inside, I couldn’t help thinking “Why is she after those assholes, why isn’t she with me instead? I would always respect her and I love her so much, I give her the affection and appreciation she is looking for”. Yet, I never had the courage to tell her, so I kept all the fantasies to myself and cherished her friendship. We had formed such a strong bond and I thought that nothing could break it. But time would prove me wrong, so wrong… She promised me she would never turn her back on me. She would tell me how much she cared for me. And yet… it all ended in a heartbreak for me because she abandoned me in a most unexpected way. I was 21.

What are the things you feel uncomfortable with exactly? Do you mean classical romantic stuff such as candlelit dinners, dates that are clearly different from hangouts or simply spending quality time, Valentine’s day etc.? I need to understand your situation better before I try to answer.

Not once did we hear about the typical alloromantic person who is trapped in a toxic relationship because the abuser manipulates them emotionally by having them feed on the hope that it is either just a phase or that they will eventually understand that what they’ve been doing is wrong and will therefore change. The classical scenario where the abuser promises they will never do those harmful things again and claim how much they care about their partner and how devastated they are without them. What if I told you, based on my own experience, that being aromantic doesn’t grant you immunity to falling into such a dangerous trap? Many years ago, there were dark times for me. Not only had I gone through two heartbreaks at the age of 21 (the first one based on a rejection which came as a shock because I hadn’t expected it, the second one, which happened much later, involved abandonment and was very nasty), but life also decided to give me a hard blow friendship-wise, namely people I had used to trust leaving one by one. My broken heart started healing in a most unexpected way: it all started the day I discovered my passion for chess. I started taking classes at a local club and participating in tournaments on a regular basis. It was at the beginning of 2019 that I met this man from Germany at a tournament. He was temporarily living in my country, but in a different city, as part of some cultural exchange programme. We were paired against each other at some round, so we talked. I was fascinated because I like the German language a lot and both me and him shared the passion for chess. We became friends on facebook and a few months after that tournament, he contacted me and we started talking. It felt nice chatting to him and I felt blessed for having a new friend. He visited my city once again several days later and we met in person to play chess, only for me to find out that he was smitten with me. Now, I do want a relationship with someone, but the attraction I experience is alterous as opposed to romantic. However, as far as this man was concerned, I could never, ever have dreamt myself having alterous and/or sexual feelings for him because there was one major issue: he was 48, while I was only 23. I explained to him gently that he was way too old for me, but that I would never say no to a friendship and he understood. Or so it seemed… Fortunately, if I may say so, all the encounters happened online via chat. The first red flag showed the day he was angry with me for wanting to travel to a chess festival with my club colleagues rather than with him. He told me some hurtful things which brought me to tears. I was emotionally vulnerable at the time because I had fewer than average friends left and there was some void and the idea of losing his friendship saddened me deeply. He apologised soon after and I forgave him. In the meanwhile, he was fortunately due to leave my country and find another school to teach in another city. Despite my having made it clear I didn’t want a relationship with him, he was desperate to find a job in my country, even in my town if possible. I prayed that he wouldn’t find it and God listened. So he went back to Germany. Several weeks later, he did something very unsettling. When talking to some friend of his, he referred to me as his girlfriend despite the fact that I’d made it clear I didn’t want a relationship with him. When I confronted him about using this title without my consent, he flew into a rage and a few days later, I also learnt that he’d got drunk that night because of me. He apologized and swore he would never act like that again and I forgave him again. Part of me wanted to help him, or better said, felt it was my duty to. Why? Because I know exactly how much rejection hurts. (I’m not going to elaborate on how I dealt with it in a mature and rational way at 21 unlike him at 48) I hoped that by offering my friendship, I would help him heal, but I was wrong. After that incident, he would often act in a passive-aggressive way and put pressure on me, until the day I broke down and told him to get the hell out of my life. And so he did, he blocked me and I could sigh in relief, but a week later, he sent me a text, telling me how he realised that any form of connection would be better than losing me altogether. As you have guessed, I believed that this time he had changed, only to get burnt again. He would make passive-aggressive comments again and again: “You love your cat but not me. You are shallow because you like grinning beach boys in their 20s.” Furthermore, he put more pressure on me, trying to persuade me into liking him by showing me examples of celebrity couples with a significant age gap. And then, several days into 2020, I finally realised what I should have known many months before: he would never accept the fact that I didn’t reciprocate his feelings. Thus reads my last message to him: “Alright… I’ve tried everything to make this friendship work, but you can’t seem to understand that I have no interest in you relationship-wise. I’ve given you countless chances and it was all in vain. I wish you all the best, but I have to block you.” _______________________________________________________________________________ Aftermath: There was this little boy who competed in chess tournaments with me and who resembled that man in terms of appearance. I was unable to look that kid in the eye halfway through 2020, but I got over it eventually as I held on to the voice of reason, like a mantra: That child didn’t choose to look like him. It’s not his fault. I was talking on the phone with a very close friend of mine in 2021, when I suddenly got a text message. When I saw his name on the screen, my flesh turned to ice. I had forgotten that he had my phone number, too, which is why I hadn’t blocked him there. My friend helped me calm down quickly and then I blocked that phone number straight away. However, there is one place I cannot block him out of: my nightmares. Some were about his managing to contact me, as if hacking through my blocking, while others are about much nastier encounters. After all these years, albeit on a much less regular basis, I have them even now. I find myself unsettled by as little as coming across his name randomly in a chess database. What’s more, I struggle to prevent my subconscious from taking the better of me because it seems like whenever a guy expresses interest in me, all that part of me sees deep down is the man from 2019… In conclusion, aromantics can be manipulated and lead down a spiral of toxicity as well. I am grateful to all those who have read my story until the end and I hope they’ve learnt the right lesson out of it, namely cutting all contact with any toxic person as soon as the first red flag is in sight. Do not make the same mistakes as I did because waiting too long may mean you will never be truly free from that person. Their presence is gone, but the nasty memories and the trauma remain.

The classical couple holding hands over a candlelit dinner table while gazing into each other’s eyes with that lovestruck expression. I mean, why can’t I instead just cuddle my partner in the comfort of my house or rest my head on his/her shoulder on a bench in a park at 3 p.m.?

Since I am demisexual, I was thinking a compare-and-contrast approach would be helpful in providing some clearer insight. For more than 99% of the guys, how I feel about the idea of even kissing them on the lips varies from slightly averse if I happen to be aesthetically attracted to them to extremely repulsed if I totally dislike the way they look. If the guy happens to be part of the other less than 1%, on the other hand, everything feels right. Kissing and sharing intimate touches appeals to me as opposed to freaking me out. I fantasize about physical intimacy specifically with him and I crave to feel his body pressed against mine.

Well, I don’t think her philosophy is “spouse first”, but rather “spouse ONLY”. None of my other friends displayed this kind of behaviour, although they do have romantic partners. I did confront her about it and she threw something along the lines “you’ve never really been in love so you don’t get it”. Furthermore, she married this guy when we were 20 and for a while, she gave no sign that she is willing to drift away from everyone else. But then this bullshit - and of course, my 22nd birthday was the last time we talked because the following months she hadn’t contacted me (or the other woman, for that matter) once, which is why it was easy for me to realise where this was going. I don’t know, I might have been too asshole-ish but I wasn’t really sure what else to do.

So I used to be friends with this woman whom I met in high-school. When we were in college, she fell head over heels in love with some guy in her year and they got married. Everything was fine for a while, as far as our friendship was concerned. However, I was celebrating my 22nd birthday with her and a mutual friend, when she suddenly got a phone call from her husband. The guy was apparently feeling lonely in her absence and missing her like crazy (although they lived together, wtf) and she was acting like this was the most natural thing in the world (which kinda reminded me of the type of people who abandon everyone after finding their supposed soulmate *cough*), therefore I decided to delete her from my life a few months later (I simply unfriended her without any explanation). I did it out of pride, as in “I know where this is going, but I’m not going to let you be the first one to cut ties, I’ll snatch this opportunity before you do it yourself.” Thoughts?

a green rose :D

1. You're right - my wording was wrong and I am sorry. I didn't mean to hurt or erase asexual people. 2. Dating a person doesn't necessarily mean you're also in a romantic relationship with them, right? Isn't it just like hanging out in order to get to know them better? In any case, what I meant is that I can't wrap my head around situations where someone claims they love their romantic partner with all their heart, and then they repeat the exact same words to someone else only a brief while later.. I mean, if you truly loved the person you've just broken up with, can you really come to love someone new in a matter of weeks, or even days? Aren't you supposed to be devastated?

No need to mention that people who have had many sexual partners throughout their lifetime are generally labelled as promiscuous, sluttish and whatnot. While these labels are justified in certain cases (e.g. cheating, leading people on, you name it), it is the other side to the coin that I want to point out to. We are humans and sex is a need. Finding a partner for a committed relationship, on the other hand, is not as easy. Therefore, I see nothing wrong with a single person who sleeps sporadically with various people (as long as they treat them with respect, of course) and then settle to sleeping with their significant other only as soon as they find one. I mean, are they supposed to be abstinent for as long as it takes them to find a right person to be in a relationship with? However, everyone seems to distrust such persons from the start: "they've slept with many people before, they're sluts, etc." - but to me, it seems they're oblivious to the real red flag, which I want to talk about. What about persons who have had multiple romantic (not necessarily sexual) partners in the past? I know a woman who throughout one year had no less than 4 boyfriends. It is these kind of people that one should be aware of. It is clear that such people are shallow if they are able to switch their (self-proclaimed) love from one person to another this quickly. It means they don't really know what they want, and if you risk dating them, it'll only be a matter of time (1-2 years at best) until they dump you, too.

The question I have is once again out of pure curiosity. Why are romantic attraction and the desire to have children connected? More specifically, I am talking about the following scenario: Person X is alloromantic and also dreams of becoming a parent. They find someone with whom they fall in love, they get married and have one or more children together. At some point, their marriage goes downhill and they get divorced. A while after, X finds a new love and remarries. If X's desire to be a parent has already been fulfilled, (and provided their new spouse also has children of their own), why is there this strong desire for them to have children with the new spouse, too, and why do they grow to prefer the new children over the ones they have with their ex?

professional chess player <3

When thinking of aromanticism and all the misconceptions associated with it, the first to pop into our minds would undoubtedly be the classic, ignorant "aromantic people can't feel love". This issue has been discussed countless times so far, and a bunch of sound arguments have been lain on the table in order to show that this bullshit is not true. Unfortunately, this misconception is not the only one of its level. The other one, somewhat less talked about, is that "aromantic people are happy to be single". While this applies indeed to quite a few of us, it is far from being a general rule. I know a person who is a regular heteromantic, yet she said she doesn't envisage herself sharing her life with a partner. Then why wouldn't the reverse be true as well? There are aromantic people who seek a relationship which might look like a typical romantic one from the outside, but this does not make their aromanticism less valid. I am one of them. One of my biggest wishes is to find someone to share my life with. The kind of relationship I seek does have some elements which are traditionally considered romantic (more specifically, the intimacy: kissing, cuddling, holding hands, etc.). And yes, like many people, I feel this need to be someone's number one. "But how is this different from romantic attraction??", many may ask. Well, I'll tell you how. I never walk around the streets, spot a random guy, and think "YOU". It's this spark thing that I'm alienated from. And the dating/flirting thing. And the so-called butterflies in the stomach. And the idea of falling. Because I don't *fall* in love, I walk into it. And when I do, my feelings are strong. Different from normal friendship, but nor are they romantic in nature because like I said, I don't get over the moon and stuff. And if the feelings are not reciprocated, I respect it. But this doesn't mean I don't suffer. On the contrary, I am devastated. And as my feelings are not the result of a chemical attraction, the pain always remains. And I fear that I might never find what I seek.

Thank you for your insight! I know very well it's not my fault that I'm not comfortable having a relationship with someone who, mind you, is 25 years older than me. I just wish I hadn't trusted him. It's not the first time that I get burnt.