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Queen of Spades

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About Queen of Spades

  • Birthday 03/25/1996

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    aromantic (bi-alterous)
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  1. 1. You're right - my wording was wrong and I am sorry. I didn't mean to hurt or erase asexual people. 2. Dating a person doesn't necessarily mean you're also in a romantic relationship with them, right? Isn't it just like hanging out in order to get to know them better? In any case, what I meant is that I can't wrap my head around situations where someone claims they love their romantic partner with all their heart, and then they repeat the exact same words to someone else only a brief while later.. I mean, if you truly loved the person you've just broken up with, can you really come to love someone new in a matter of weeks, or even days? Aren't you supposed to be devastated?
  2. No need to mention that people who have had many sexual partners throughout their lifetime are generally labelled as promiscuous, sluttish and whatnot. While these labels are justified in certain cases (e.g. cheating, leading people on, you name it), it is the other side to the coin that I want to point out to. We are humans and sex is a need. Finding a partner for a committed relationship, on the other hand, is not as easy. Therefore, I see nothing wrong with a single person who sleeps sporadically with various people (as long as they treat them with respect, of course) and then settle to sleeping with their significant other only as soon as they find one. I mean, are they supposed to be abstinent for as long as it takes them to find a right person to be in a relationship with? However, everyone seems to distrust such persons from the start: "they've slept with many people before, they're sluts, etc." - but to me, it seems they're oblivious to the real red flag, which I want to talk about. What about persons who have had multiple romantic (not necessarily sexual) partners in the past? I know a woman who throughout one year had no less than 4 boyfriends. It is these kind of people that one should be aware of. It is clear that such people are shallow if they are able to switch their (self-proclaimed) love from one person to another this quickly. It means they don't really know what they want, and if you risk dating them, it'll only be a matter of time (1-2 years at best) until they dump you, too.
  3. The question I have is once again out of pure curiosity. Why are romantic attraction and the desire to have children connected? More specifically, I am talking about the following scenario: Person X is alloromantic and also dreams of becoming a parent. They find someone with whom they fall in love, they get married and have one or more children together. At some point, their marriage goes downhill and they get divorced. A while after, X finds a new love and remarries. If X's desire to be a parent has already been fulfilled, (and provided their new spouse also has children of their own), why is there this strong desire for them to have children with the new spouse, too, and why do they grow to prefer the new children over the ones they have with their ex?
  4. When thinking of aromanticism and all the misconceptions associated with it, the first to pop into our minds would undoubtedly be the classic, ignorant "aromantic people can't feel love". This issue has been discussed countless times so far, and a bunch of sound arguments have been lain on the table in order to show that this bullshit is not true. Unfortunately, this misconception is not the only one of its level. The other one, somewhat less talked about, is that "aromantic people are happy to be single". While this applies indeed to quite a few of us, it is far from being a general rule. I know a person who is a regular heteromantic, yet she said she doesn't envisage herself sharing her life with a partner. Then why wouldn't the reverse be true as well? There are aromantic people who seek a relationship which might look like a typical romantic one from the outside, but this does not make their aromanticism less valid. I am one of them. One of my biggest wishes is to find someone to share my life with. The kind of relationship I seek does have some elements which are traditionally considered romantic (more specifically, the intimacy: kissing, cuddling, holding hands, etc.). And yes, like many people, I feel this need to be someone's number one. "But how is this different from romantic attraction??", many may ask. Well, I'll tell you how. I never walk around the streets, spot a random guy, and think "YOU". It's this spark thing that I'm alienated from. And the dating/flirting thing. And the so-called butterflies in the stomach. And the idea of falling. Because I don't *fall* in love, I walk into it. And when I do, my feelings are strong. Different from normal friendship, but nor are they romantic in nature because like I said, I don't get over the moon and stuff. And if the feelings are not reciprocated, I respect it. But this doesn't mean I don't suffer. On the contrary, I am devastated. And as my feelings are not the result of a chemical attraction, the pain always remains. And I fear that I might never find what I seek.
  5. Thank you for your insight! I know very well it's not my fault that I'm not comfortable having a relationship with someone who, mind you, is 25 years older than me. I just wish I hadn't trusted him. It's not the first time that I get burnt.
  6. Hi, guys… Today I want to share a story, hoping to let off some steam. Also, I am rather confused after all that happened and I don’t know what I should do in the future, should similar things occur… I met this man back in January on a chess tournament. He is a teacher and he was in my country (different town than mine) as part of some program that involved teaching abroad for a year or so. We kept in touch after than tournament (became friends on facebook). Back in April, he once again approached me on the chat, and we had a very long conversation. We talked about this and that, played some online chess. A few days later we met up in my hometown to play some “real life” chess. But then, it happened – he confessed liking me (like a crush)… Now, I DO wish to have a life partner (whether he is aromantic or not), even if I am aromantic myself – but as many of you know, I need time to get to know the person, my kind of love is born out of friendship (the queerplatonic/alterous type and all). However, there is a serious reason why I could never consider this man as potential life partner: he is 48, while I am only 23, and well, I just…can’t. I explained to him that I could not do it because of the age gap, but told him I would really like us to stay friends, which was the truth. I really thought it could work, as we both speak German (he is a native speaker, I just like the language a lot), as we both share this great passion for chess… He seemed to understand it.. Everything was good for a while – we talked and played chess, like friends do… We did have two fights – he started them as it was hard for him to face the fact that I didn’t reciprocate…but then he apologized, saying it was not easy for him… We had a serious talk, and he promised no more fights… He told me my friendship meant a lot to him…and I believed him… But last night, he showed his true colours. We were having a normal conversation, and at some point, he told me: “My friend asked me what I’m doing. I said ‘chatting with my girlfriend’ “. Well, it seemed that despite my making it clear right from the start that we are friends and nothing else, he still somehow…insisted? I told him gently “I thought that we discussed…”, and then he got upset. He said some hurtful things, trying to imply I was a jerk for not reciprocating and so on, and chose to put an end to it. I wished him all the best. He never appreciated the honest friendship I offered him… He lied to me… He deceived me… He broke his promise…and my trust. Now I feel somewhat empty, somewhat anxious, too. What did he want from me? Why did he lie to me? Why didn’t he tell me from the start? Why did I trust him? What does this mean? If anyone ever gets a crush on me again, is it already a red flag? Should I run?
  7. Well, I actually don't want her to break the bond with Y. All I want is get her to accept that me and Y are not right for each other and that she has to stop trying to drag me into their game. I am comfortable with chatting with Y on a messenger group where at least another person is present. But I can't handle hanging with her in real life.
  8. Yes, you definitely can. Sensual attraction is a type of attraction separate from the romantic one. Just because you want to cuddle, hug, and hold a person's hand, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have a crush on them.
  9. Today I'm going to share a story involving me and 2 other girls. It all started about 11 years ago, when I met and befriended X. Me and her had lots of thigs in common back then, so we became best friends in a matter of months. Everything was great, we would laugh and talk about stuff, we would hang out and have a lot of fun. When we were teenagers, we took part in a piano contest (a common hobby that we shared) and she'd got a higher award than I had. That went to her head and she started changing her attitude towards me in that she became arrogant and started thinking way too highly of herself. One year later, my piano playing skills had improved fantastically. Needless to say she became jealous of me and she started putting me down, saying that I play like shit and the like. One day I'd had enough and decided to cut her dead with no explanation. I stopped answering her texts and calls. Several months later, she showed up at my piano class with a letter of apology and a cute drawing, and I forgave her. In the meanwhile, however, she had met another girl, let's just say Y, and the two had lots of things in common. X got me in touch with Y, and for a while, we were like a BFF trio. One day, however, I realised that me and X were no longer best friends, since she had slowly started...replacing me. She would only tag Y in bestfriend-related memes/posts and so on. I tried to live with it. 4 years ago I came out to Y about being aromantic and demisexual (I was afraid of telling X because her religion is strict - no sex before marriage & so on). Y forced me to tell X, too.. I did, and her reaction hurt me to no end... I decided I didn't want to be friends with her anymore... But several months later I had forgiven her and tried to accept that she had been just brainwashed... But after all that, another issue had occurred: as I said, the two of them were BFFs, while their friendship with me was at a lower level. The two of them shared things with each other I didn't know about, and so on. For this reason, hanging out with both of them at the same time didn't feel right anymore. They would spend quite a bit of time without me anyways. But whenever I tried to invite either of them anywhere, she would INSIST on our hanging as a trio, which made me feel uneasy. I started doubting whether they even saw me as their friend at all and started growing apart from them. They noticed that and confronted me about it, and last year I managed to persuade them into agreeing to celebrate my birthday individually (one day for X, another day for Y). Things between me and X were right, but Y was pushy about certain stuff (blaming me for avoiding people I didn't feel comfortable around anymore and stuff). Me and Y would burn each other, she would feel offended by my joke attempts, although she roasts people a lot. Sometimes I would exaggerate, changing her nickname on messenger, and she removed me from the chat group. About 6 months ago she did that and I spammed her facebook profile with pusheen stickers as revenge :p. She blocked me and hasn't unblocked ke to this day. But now comes the interesting part: I was like "well, if she won't unblock me, that's it - i'm fine without her" she used to remind me of things beloging in the past which made me uncomfortable talking to her, so her blocking me for good seemed great. But this summer X complained to me about Y ignoring her for her boyfriend and stated that this is why she forgot to unblock me. As you know, this kind of people disgust me to no end. But a few weeks ago I joined this chat group, where X and Y are also present. (unforunately we can see each other's messages in groups despite her having blocked me). She started roasting me again. Like nothing had happened. I decided to ignore her, hoping she would leave me alone, but she didn't, and one day I'd had enough and decided to give it to her straight. Of course she started reminding me of things I had done in the past and refused to leave me alone, so I took it one step further and shared some personal pictures of her (in which she was frowning and making faces), hoping she would get so angry as to leave me alone for good. But X intervened and blamed ME for having a shitty attitude towards Y, defending her. I tried to explain to her that while she might tolerate people who ignore their friends for their romances, this is a hard limit for me... but to no avail. She can't seem to accept the fact that me and Y are not right for each other and she insisted she needed a functional trio. The 2 talk 24/7, have each other's passwords, if X knows someone, then Y knows him/her, too, and the other way round - a relationship which, to me, does not seem healthy AT ALL. And it seems that if one befriends either of them, then it is MANDATORY that s/he is friends with the other, too! I don't want to be dragged into this... I told X I would start chatting with Y on our group again, but only for the former's sake. I feel like I'm in deep shit... I don't know how to open X's eyes and make her realise her relationship with Y isn't healthy at all and that the latter might be having a negative influence on her. Sometimes I just want to walk away from both of them and leave them to their weird relationship. But on the other hand, I wish X could understand that our friendship is just fine and that it should not be affected by Y, and that the BFF trio does not exist anymore... I just don't want Y in my life, I feel nothing for her, she is no friend of mine.
  10. It is needless to say that I would never give a chance for a (queerplatonic) relationship to someone who is the unhealthy type of alloromantic (e.g. possessive, clingy, etc.). I have nonetheless realised that I could not even accept being friends with someone who falls into this category. People who ignore everyone else once they get into a relationship make me just want to spit them in the eye. Also, there's this girl I've been friends with since high-school. She got married back in 2016 (all of a sudden). I remember her saying that she wouldn't accept the idea of her husband hanging, talking and laughing with another woman. When I hung out with her and another high-school friend of ours this year, her husband would call her (mind you, he did know where she was and with whom), asking her "how much longer are you staying?", coming up the following reason: feeling lonely, missing her. Really? They live in the same fucking house! She obviously finds such an approach perfectly normal. Given that, I don't think I really want to hang with her anymore. I've been growing apart from her. I don't like such people. Am I the only one?
  11. To me, a QPR is a committed monogamous relationship to which no specific "rules" are tied. It can include living together, sharing your life, being affectionate towards each other (like sensual acts such as holding hands, kissing, cuddling), whether there's sex or not. The squish to me is the desire to have such a relationship with someone, as it is based on feelings which are different from normal friendship, yet not romantic in nature.
  12. If sexual orientation were a choice, everyone would choose to be straight because this would be the easiest way to avoid any kind of prejudice in this regard.

    #me1 #heteronormativity0 #checkmate

    1. Tagor


      actually, I would choose to be asexual as in my opinion it would make being aromantic easier

  13. "Falling in love" is a phrase describing romantic attraction at its deepest, while a crush is on the mild side of the romantic spectrum. There are countless articles which hightlight the difference between being "in love" with someone (a.k.a. romantically attracted - the butterflies, the head-over-heels sensation, the exaggerated longing, the racing heart) and loving them truly (which is about FEELINGS, borne in the SOUL, and thus, no attraction or chemicals). Therefore, I would say aromantics can't fall in love, but demiromantics can, after knowing someone to some degree, while grey-romantics might fall in love under certain circumstances. In a healthy long-term relationship, the one and only difference between a romantic person and an aromantic one, is that while both of them now love their partner deeply, the former used to be IN LOVE with their partner sometime in the past, while the latter did not.
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