NotHeartless

Uh, that's really cool. I wish you the best for your ambitions and hopefully, you will never have "friends" again who don't accept you for who you are in your life. I dealt with this kind of people too. It can mess with your mental health and it's not easy to trust again.

@Nessa I understand the struggle of making (new) friends. I'm younger than you, but it certainly isn't an age thing. In my age (late 20s) people tend to settle down, get married, etc. which isn't a great phase, especially when you're aro but still desire to feel a deeper connection with others (just not on a romantic basis). Greetings to France btw, I'm your friendly neighbor from Germany. The land in which being aromantic is just as unknown. Je ne peux pas parler français...alors que j'adore la langue. Eh bien, peut-être un peu mais c'est rouillé. 😅

Oh that's interesting, I've never seen or thought about this connection. I personally don't think too highly about MBTI but I did take the test just a few days ago to compare my result to a friend of mine (who is INFP). I'm INFJ.

Hello Tallow and welcome to the forums! To answer your question: yes, I get intense squishes sometimes wich I mistook for crushes. I then do feel a bit nervous around them, most notably I get really excited. I get excited when I talk to them or they message me and I love to spend my time with them. I don't desire to be exclusive with them though, it's just really a hype when I meet someone I like and find interesting. :)

Yes, I do deal with anxiety though it was worse when I was a teen. I had severe social anxiety back then (most people made me afraid just by knowing they are there), while nowadays I can function without going into "flight mode". I kind of beat my anxiety when I confronted myself again and again and again with certain situations. It definitely wasn't easy and even now, not everything of it is completely gone. I can be quite social, actually (when I want to be). I'm also prone to overthinking and I always hated to do oral presentations *urgh*. You are all not alone.

I agree with OP. Also, it speaks for itself when people say "oh, you don't have this and that problem, you have it so much easier than me". It's disgusting to outweigh personal suffering like that. It's completely invalidating and no one deserves it. Shows me as well people can't imagine the downsides of being aroace or ace/aro but there certainly are (greetings to my crushing loneliness) - just like with every orientation.

and the very next day, you gave it away 🥺. I'd feel kinda offended, lol.

Hi and welcome to the forums, Rowan! Hope you have a great time here :).

I came across the term asexual when I was 15 (I now realize how lucky I was because asexuality was even lesser known back then. No, I'm not a dinosaur 😄). I had the chance to talk to other teens online who felt very similar to myself. I did have some sexual experience at one point but it never changed the feeling that I felt different and that people I was in a relationship with (or tried to be with) felt kind of different than me. They wanted and desired me on a level I was hardly able to imagine or process. I didn't initiated sex and it wasn't important to me. I felt indifferent towards it (still do) and the "strongest attraction" I do experience is aesthetic and sensual attraction (which I thought for the longest time was "sexual attraction" because I didn't know better). I wasn't disgusted by sex, but bored with it - besides in fiction, esp. books, where I do can enjoy it if it's well written. On a rational level, I kinda do understand why people like it and that it feels good but I wouldn't be sad if I never would have sex again. I don't care about it. Aromanticism came later because even the asexual community I hung out online didn't really use the term by the time. There were plenty of people who didn't feel the need for romance in their life but there were also people who had a partner or wanted children, etc. I understood I felt different when I sat down and talked to someone who had a crush on me and attempted building a relationship with me. I realized I felt different towards this person but couldn't describe it. For the longest time, I liked the idea of romance. But, as with sex, in real life and directed towards me, it isn't appealing. If I made an attempt at a romantic relationship, I wanted to go back to being friends again/being "just friends" shortly after because it always felt better. More natural to me but I still didn't get why. One fine day I discovered the English AVEN forums and was introduced to the term aromanticism and that people do feel this way and that's okay. The years before, I always thought of myself as strange and that there was something wrong with me. I then realized what I tought were crushes were actually squishes. I "only" love people platonically, not romantically. Years later and a good amount of therapy later, I finally accepted it's just the way I am and that it's not childhood trauma or a so called avoidant attachement style (what I thought for some time too). I do form strong and lasting bonds with others, but they are on the platonic side. This kind of connection makes me the happiest and most fulfilled, whereas romantic relationships make me feel uncomfortable and like I'm lying to myself and the other person (a feeling I detest). That's how I figured. I did question myself for a long time and sometimes I still have a few doubts about my orientation(s), but overall I just feel very understood by the ace and aro communities. More than by allo folks which speaks for itself, I think. Edit: to this day, I have zero desire to do anything society seems to label as fulfilling or necessary to achieve happiness in life (marriage, children, owning a house, growing old together with "the one", etc.). I stay away from this circus and I'm happy with my life as it is. I just wish I had more friends. :)

Great work, guys! :)

A bit off-topic maybe, but I love the icons you made! They are all so cute/awesome, and I love frogs in general. Cool idea! 😊

It's just stupid tbh. Why it isn't ever the other way around? When people are in love/have a crush/are in a relationship nobody is sitting there, saying "oh, you'll change your mind with time and don't wanna be with them anymore" or "you'll learn how pointless romantic relationships are" (and no, I do not want to encourage these kind of sayings, either). Because this society and the people within it are following the good ol' narrative of amatonormativity (and allonormativity too) and I'm so done with it. Yes, aromantics may be a minority but still these assumptions are harmful/can be harmful. Really, no one needs expectations. Just let people do and feel what they want as long as no harm is done to others and keep your "wisdom" to yourself. Just because a good chunk of people is doing X it doesn't mean X is right for everyone, automatically.

Sounds like a squish to me, too. Admiring someone, enjoying the time spent with them and want to get to know someone better almost desperately is a squish in my book.

I'd celebrate it. Even though I'm definitely NOT old, being in your late 20s (currently I'm 27) can feel old in this forums. Especially because almost everyone in this age around you is getting married/having kids/having girlfriends, boyfriends and you're just sitting there like "Yeah...what up?"

I don't know it either, just wanted to let you know I have the same "problem" (and do feel stupid for saying it like this because others would be happy to be get this kind of attention...but not me). Can only advice you to not change who you are. People will feel attracted to you regardless because they see in you what they want to see (and because you do probably have some attractive traits, are friendly, funny, open, etc.). The only thing we can do is being very honest and straight, saying "sorry, I don't feel this way about you, I don't want to date you" and to cut them off, if it is needed. I know, the latter sounds harsh but bear with me for a second. I've made the mistake several times to let the other person linger even though they knew I didn't feel the same, even though they knew we were both looking for different things. It's a tactic some people use to get "more" from you regardless or rather they think you will change your mind (🤮); just lived through it recently as of writing this post. If someone doesn't accept and respect your feelings and boundaries, don't let them be part of your life. In general.