Gingerplume

I've been very open lately any time it comes up in conversation (and it has done so a lot at work recently, with two people in the office getting married soonish and two other new colleagues here getting to know everyone) that I don't have the emotional energy for a relationship, I like being alone, I don't find most people compelling in that way, I don't like receiving attention and grand gestures, etc etc, and actually... people do seem to accept it without further questioning. I've had a couple of people misinterpret it as me being shy or ~afraid to love~, but they get set straight (heh) as soon as I realize their wires are crossed. My closest friends are all a-spec themselves so they're totally unmoved. My close family is just my widowed gran and divorced mum, so for the most part I think they think I'm saving myself a lot of heartache. Maybe some of my colleagues privately think I'm closeted-gay or tragically broken or just mean, but as long as they don't hassle me about it, who cares? I never formally 'come out' as anything to anyone anymore because honestly, people forget, or they now know on one level but just carry on assuming things because they're too preprogrammed with the hetero script. I rarely use the terms aromantic, because nobody will know what that is, or asexual, because although I find more people know that one these days, it doesn't actually describe me and I'm not interested in giving acquaintances a whole oreintation dictionary about my personal sexual mores. People generally aren't rude enough to outright ask more about that. It's interesting (read: depressing) to me how saying to people "I'm not really interested in that, I'm too busy with other stuff" usually gets a better response than "I'm [x]sexual". People see the latter as a political thing which highlights difference and might threaten them, and the former as just an odd foible.

This is such an interesting thread. Personally, I don't quite experience instant sexual attraction, but close to it. I need to see/hear someone 'in motion' a little bit to provoke my interest. Spending an hour or two 'with' someone (whether that's literally in conversation/activities with them as themselves, or watching someone performing on a stage or screen- I work on-off in theatre) is usually enough to know whether I have a desire for them on a physical level. Sometimes I need a day or two to sort of stew on it, but often I'll know after that first meeting. What exactly attracts me to someone is a question I wrestle with 24/7. I tend to just throw up my hands and call it 'charisma'. I don't have a type as such; it's all in the way someone just *is*. It's a particular attitude and sense of humour, combined with a particular expressiveness of features. Sexual attraction itself, for me, feels like being hungry/greedy for a specific food. It's distracting, you keep thinking of the act and you can almost taste/feel it. You want to skip out on whatever you're supposed to be doing and indulge in it regardless of whether it's entirely healthy. There are, uh, physiological arousal reactions which I won't trouble you all with graphic details of, though I will say at its most intense I've felt brief headaches from it! (But I suspect that's just a stress/frustration response I have due to being a naturally stressy person, and not necessarily a common experience.) Actions I categorise as sexual are overt sex acts, any kind of physical contact in states of undress or intimate settings like a bed, and kissing anywhere other than cheek/nose/forehead. These are the things I feel compulsion to do with people I'm sexually attracted to. I categorise 'safe for work' contact, like kissing, cuddling on the couch or holding hands in the street, as tokens of romantic attraction- and I virtually never feel an urge to do these. If I was going to imagine or do those it would be because my sex partner wanted them on a sensual level, not because they're part of my desires. Sensual attraction for me is moot- I don't want to do sensual things with people I'm not sexually into. The emotional level is a bit less clear-cut. I need to spend non-sex time with sexual partners as a trust- and bond-maintaining thing, just like you need to spend time and do fun stuff with any close friend. In a fully romantic relationship, I feel like those bonding acts are usually used as an unspoken method of escalating the relationship towards spending more and more time together and eventually life-combining. For me, they're maintenance, not escalation. That's something I just need to be very communicative about with partners.

When I was about 13, I actually made a schoolfriend cry because I was so vehement that I would never get married. I never said that she shouldn't, just that I didn't want to! She was just that upset by the thought of me being forever alone and unloved and tragic. We were at a church school and she was a big believer, so the possibility that there were other ways to be outside of hetero-mono-romo-wedlock weren't quite on her radar. I laughed at her, which I guess was a little unkind, but it was pretty funny. Now she's married with a mortgage and a dog, so I don't think I did any lasting corruptive damage.

So many reasons, some of which have already been covered here. Overpopulation, cost, passing on hereditary health problems, can't see myself being close enough with someone to raise a kid with them healthily... I also have serious phobia issues around pregnancy and birth; just sitting too near a pregnant woman on the train can put me into a cold sweat and nausea, so who knows how that would play out if I had to do it myself. I also just... outright don't like kids, awful as it may sound. I find them very frustrating and nonsensical. They're needy and tactile. And sure, that's not their fault! It's not like they do it to piss me off. They're just tiny and vulnerable and need intense care. But in much the same way that I wouldn't buy an exotic pet I didn't have the physical resources to care for right, I'm not gonna create a tiny human that I don't have the patience and calmness to deal with. I know people say "oh but it's different when it's your own", but combined with all the above concerns, that's just not incentive enough for me. If, through some absolutely wild happenstances, I ever found myself willing and able to care full-time long-term for a child, I'd rather adopt one in need. The care system here is grim, and older and nonwhite care kids are stigmatised as hell and left at the bottom of the heap when would-be parents come calling.

I'm pretty touch-averse, even with platonic friends or family. I don't like anything that feels too... encircling, if that makes sense? I don't even like to be hugged when I'm upset, though I will do it (awkwardly, with too much space between bodies) if a friend is sad. I don't mind short kisses in a sexual context but 'making out' for more than a couple of seconds feels boring at best and smothering/oppressive at worst. I also find that the lighter the touch, the more irritating it feels. Anyone else get this? Brushing legs with a stranger on the bus makes me want to scream. I've mildly offended co-workers many times by whipping my hand back at the speed of light if we reach for the same thing and brush fingers. I do believe my aversion to kissing and cuddling is an a-spec thing, but the sensory trouble with platonic touch I think is just me being wired up unusually.