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Cereal Tendencies

Aromantic Confessions

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I actually do understand your friend to a degree, but I also think looking for practical reasons to dump someone can be a sign that you're not truly invested in them anyway. Driving a few hours to see someone can actually cause a strain on the feelings you have for someone - amplifying any uncertainty, and obviously not everyone can deal with a long distance relationship, especially if they need/prefer to have face to face contact and all the trimmings to go with that.

I didn't mind driving the 19 miles to my ex's house when I was with him last year, but everyone has a different 'threshold' I guess? One of my exes complained about having to drive about that same distance to come and see me a couple of times, and again when he was breaking up with me.

I'm on the fence over the money part - I agree it can make things easier in practical terms, but I'm not sure it should be a deciding factor in whether or not to date someone. What if they lose their job or their hours get cut? Will you (general you) dump them even if you still really like them?

As for the lack of relationships being just another day in the office, I'm definitely with you on that!

 

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9 minutes ago, Untamed Heart said:

I'm on the fence over the money part - I agree it can make things easier in practical terms, but I'm not sure it should be a deciding factor in whether or not to date someone. What if they lose their job or their hours get cut? Will you (general you) dump them even if you still really like them?

Usually it's about how much they can earn, not how much they are earning at any given point. But how much they are earning right now is a simple proxy for how much they can earn when you're first trying to get to know someone.

 

But I also feel like how much you earn is often used as a proxy for how 'successful' someone is. People want to be in a relationship with someone at least as well of as they are. Which feels strange to me personally.

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16 hours ago, Bardock said:

She even turned down dating a guy she was really  into because he lived too far away, which was few hours drive. And when I snapped about this, she mentioned about the drive getting there and back, being exhausted and the longer distance relationship was a no-go.

I've never understood stuff like this either. Makes me think she wasn't really that into him in the first place.

 

I also don't get why people have shallow requirements for relationships, like money or looks etc. If they have those requirements, it makes it look like they're just using the person.

 

I tend to avoid talking/listening to people who whine about relationships though. It's bad for my sanity.

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Honestly when my friends bring up the topic of relationships, I usually just go off on my most messiest break up and all of them coo over how awful it must have felt having my heartbroken when really I was complaining on how I can't escape the break up (the person I dated does not leave my life no matter how hard I tried) and start a clean slate as an aromantic person. But at least if I feel like talking about that would be better than to explain the entire aro lexicon.

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I confess during college my friend was quite 'surprised' to find that I'd never dated anyone at all....it was a little annoying but I realise that he couldn't have thought I was "too ugly" or anything, unless of course it was all an act, so maybe in a way that was like a compliment.

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I feel  that just because I am Aromantic but allosexual people will think that all I care about is sex and that I’m only using people for just that.... they will probably write me off as some kind of ‘emotionless whore’ (I am a cis female) for having a sexual attraction to men rather than wanting a romantic relationship as ‘all women do is desire romance’

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I only recently broke up with my girlfriend because I realised I was aromantic. We were extremely close friends before she asked me out so everyone was sure we would never break up (so was I tbh). So when we did break up everyone kept asking us why. I told her that I was aromantic because we're so close so I knew she would understand, but I was scared to tell anyone else because most of them already make fun of me for identifying as pansexual instead of bisexual so I felt like they would call me a "special snowflake". I didn't know how to say that I realised I didn't love her romantically or that I realised I didn't love her the way she loved me without sounding like a jerk so I just told them it was complicated. They've stopped asking me now but it was really stressful when we first broke up...

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I actually have two confessions!

1. It's hard for me to be like happy for my romantic friends when they enter romantic relationships because I guess in my head it's just not that big of a deal. Like you kissed someone what do you want me to do throw a party??? Like I know it makes them happy but why so much?? But then if they break up with their partner and they're sad, then I feel bad. I never interfere with people's relationships (obviously that's pretty messed up, but I don't help them either.) but in my head, I'm always like "meh I don't really care."

2. I'm actually really good at giving advice on romantic relationships because I have such an outward view of them it's easy to make them simple to find solutions for (most of the time.)

20 hours ago, Abster said:

I feel  that just because I am Aromantic but allosexual people will think that all I care about is sex and that I’m only using people for just that.... they will probably write me off as some kind of ‘emotionless whore’ (I am a cis female) for having a sexual attraction to men rather than wanting a romantic relationship as ‘all women do is desire romance’

This has actually happened to me before, I came out to one of my close friends as aro, (She's very romantic) and she asked me if I just have one night stands all the time or something. There's nothing wrong with that, but the way she said it she sounded so disgusted. It sucks when this happens, but you'll know who you can talk to about this stuff when you come out! I don't really talk to her about being aro because I know how she'll react. If you feel safe around the person and you're ready to come out then you should go ahead and do it. Usually, the worst that can happen is that it will cause a temporary roadblock on your friendship. If they make a really big deal out of it then they probably aren't a really good friend.

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8 minutes ago, IsyKix said:

I'm actually really good at giving advice on romantic relationships because I have such an outward view of them it's easy to make them simple to find solutions for (most of the time.)

Same here! Apparently when you are in love, you are suddenly blinded from the most obvious solution that is in front of them.

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3 hours ago, IsyKix said:

2. I'm actually really good at giving advice on romantic relationships because I have such an outward view of them it's easy to make them simple to find solutions for (most of the time.)

 

Yeah, I get this a lot, too, so much that I got voluntold to start a discussion group about it.  I've been running that discussion group for almost 4 years now.

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6 hours ago, IsyKix said:

1. It's hard for me to be like happy for my romantic friends when they enter romantic relationships because I guess in my head it's just not that big of a deal. Like you kissed someone what do you want me to do throw a party??? Like I know it makes them happy but why so much??

Consider what can happen when someone has an "in a relationship" status of FaceBook.

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I recently ordered a new bed and I got a wider than I really need because I feel it's embarrassing to have a single bed at my age :D:P I'm not planning to share it with anyone and don't really need any wider than a 90 but I got a 120 (going with the SI units, sorry Americans but inches are stupid). So now I have a wider bed for no practical use. Well, on the plus side I have space for my reading pad and phone next to me on the bed, instead of having to place them all the way over at my night stand.

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On 4/2/2018 at 9:39 PM, IsyKix said:

I'm actually really good at giving advice on romantic relationships because I have such an outward view of them it's easy to make them simple to find solutions for (most of the time.)

 

Me too which seems to put me in good company here. I have had a friend tell me because I'm good at looking at them objectively.

Really, I only know two pieces of advice to give:

1) Talk to them about it.

2) Break up with them.

 

In any interpersonal relationship, if you're past the point where talking can help, it's pretty much over.

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On 4/4/2018 at 3:15 AM, Holmbo said:

Well, on the plus side I have space for my reading pad and phone next to me on the bed, instead of having to place them all the way over at my night stand.

after seeing all those phones bursting into flames on the News has made me a bit paranoid of my phone being near me when I sleep. 

 

I still sleep on a small single bed, but I think I can get away with it indefinitely because it is a fancy iron frame with bed-knobs. The harsh truth is I will probably always have more tender feelings towards my overly fancy bed than anyone who might want to share a bed with me.   

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One of my friends literally got into a love triangle and she came to ask me for advice, and I was just inwardly wondering why it was such a big deal and why she felt she needed romance because I was a stupid aromantic who didn’t understand how aromantic I was

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I've written love poems. MANY of them.

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On 4/2/2018 at 7:22 AM, Abster said:

I feel  that just because I am Aromantic but allosexual people will think that all I care about is sex and that I’m only using people for just that.... they will probably write me off as some kind of ‘emotionless whore’ (I am a cis female) for having a sexual attraction to men rather than wanting a romantic relationship as ‘all women do is desire romance’

It even isn't only in conversations with allosexual people. When I posted my situation in the aromantic subforum of the german branch of AVEN(as it is the only german forum dealing with aromanticism) I got a similar reaction.

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I just realized that the reason I never understood how people could question their sexuality outside of possibly being acespec is that most people wrap their sexuality with their romanticism. Here I was thinking "just find porn and figure it out??" Still don't know exactly what goes on in allosexual brains when questioning but at least now I know there's a reason it takes a while for people to figure it out beyond society going "you can't be and shouldn't be anything other than straight and cis"

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