Aromantic Confessions

[Confidential_Con]

I've accidentally insulted a friend of mine by saying that I don't understand why it's a big deal if they don't end up finding a romantic partner eventually. I was supposed to say that of course they'll find someone, there's someone out there for everyone, etc.

[Cassiopeia]

I was always really scared to ID as aro because it sounds so final, so categorical.

Its not just finding it hard to determine the lack of something you never had, but also ruling out the possibility of it. So far  the whole romance thing is so off putting, it sounds unreal, unlikely, but what if I change? What if I wake up one day when I'm old and regret not trying harder, not doing one more year of fake it til you make it?

 

What if people will use my identity to question my relationships in the future? Queer relationships seldom treated as legitimate, and a same sex queerplatonic relationship will be even less. What if me being out and proud will somehow endanger me and the people important to me? Romance is so deeply enbedded into our culture, and it comes with lots of privileges and advantages. It's not easy choosing to be yourself knowing you may pay a high price for that.

(I just rewatched San Junipero with a straight friend and it was such and eye opener)

[Cereal Tendencies]

1 hour ago, Cassiopeia said:

 

I was always really scared to ID as aro because it sounds so final, so categorical.

Its not just finding it hard to determine the lack of something you never had, but also ruling out the possibility of it. So far  the whole romance thing is so off putting, it sounds unreal, unlikely, but what if I change? What if I wake up one day when I'm old and regret not trying harder, not doing one more year of fake it til you make it?

 

I also worry that I'll wake up one day regretting never been in a relationship

I've even considered "testing" it out and just winging it with a relationship before, but I always come up with the conclusion that romantics deserve someone who can actually reciprocate their feelings, instead of a platonic/familial love that they have to put up with

[Cassiopeia]

40 minutes ago, Cereal Tendencies said:

I also worry that I'll wake up one day regretting never been in a relationship

I've even considered "testing" it out and just winging it with a relationship before, but I always come up with the conclusion that romantics deserve someone who can actually reciprocate their feelings, instead of a platonic/familial love that they have to put up with

 

Yes, precisely. And even if your person is okay with you experimenting, as a questioning aro, after how many failed loveless relationships can you be sure? What if the next one will be it but you stopped trying? What if you date for three months, and its all bland and forced but the spark would have been finally there if you stayed together for two more? I remember being in a relationship, and trying to find out the correct number of months that would already qualify as Serious Long Term Relationship™ to know that I have exprerienced the thing. 

What if embracing the lack of romantic feelings is actually keeping me from experiencing them? And feeling broken. Not just as in 'I'm fucked up, something is not working the way it should' but also as 'is this a reaction to a trauma I supressed so much I don't even remember it',  (even though I know there was no trauma, but still, what if...)

 

[cute kitty Meow! Mewo!]

I confess, that one of the main reasons I'm wanting for a companion/partner is, because of how I am restricted in life, and I am afraid that people would either tell me that's codependency or even, say that wanting a partner to make up for my deficits is no different than wanting a "better half" to "become whole" and therefore inherently romantic

most of the reason I want someone as a part of my life is, tho, because it would make housing, food, laundry, and vacationing all a lot more manageable and affordable. Also, social events would be more accessible lol, since there are a lot of things that are awkward if you go to them alone.

[Cereal Tendencies]

13 hours ago, cute kitty Meow! Mewo! said:

I confess, that one of the main reasons I'm wanting for a companion/partner is, because of how I am restricted in life, and I am afraid that people would either tell me that's codependency or even, say that wanting a partner to make up for my deficits is no different than wanting a "better half" to "become whole" and therefore inherently romantic

most of the reason I want someone as a part of my life is, tho, because it would make housing, food, laundry, and vacationing all a lot more manageable and affordable. Also, social events would be more accessible lol, since there are a lot of things that are awkward if you go to them alone.

So true! One of my fears is being in a foreign country, alone and broke

I don't want to be in a relationship, but I also want to travel the world! so frustrating >_<

[Kojote]

17 hours ago, Cereal Tendencies said:

I also worry that I'll wake up one day regretting never been in a relationship

I've even considered "testing" it out and just winging it with a relationship before, but I always come up with the conclusion that romantics deserve someone who can actually reciprocate their feelings, instead of a platonic/familial love that they have to put up with

 

I feel this so much! Part of the reasons why I broke down after realizing that I'm not romantic material was precisely that. How do I know I'm not just to scared to try it? How will I know if I won't regret this later? Can I really be alone for the rest_of_my_life? What if everyone I've ever liked moves on and I'm left alone just because I was to "stubborn" to give it a shot. Make the thing happen with somebody. So what if I felt miserable even considering it, maybe I am just taking the easy way out instead of confronting myself with a serious relationship^tm . Surely I could fake it till I make it, however long that takes.
 

But yeah, in the end it never felt fair to my romantic friends. I knew I didn't love them, even before I became aro and I didn't want them to be my romo-laboratory for experimenting. Specially because I didn't have the words I needed to explain my position back than, but till this day I can't shake the feeling, that I'm just hiding behind a word and could surely love someone, if I just tried harder (whatever that means).

[Untamed Heart]

I'm still haunted by my last relationship, even though it's been over 6 months since I let him go. I never actually loved him and my attraction mostly just kept fading away once we'd got together, to the point where I just couldn't go on seeing him any more. I had ended up trying to fake it to make it in the end, hoping it would somehow, miraculously work, but it was pretty futile, and I was just left feeling sick, guilty, confused (cos I couldn't understand why I didn't love him - he was everything I felt I wanted in a man, wasn't doing anything wrong - and why I'd just ended up feeling the same things as in my past relationships).

I'm totally fine being by myself, I'm not scared of being alone later on either, but it's so difficult when I "like" someone, and even though that's rare for me anyway, I'm dreading it happening again - would I be able to talk myself out of pursuing someone?

[Hey you in the corner]

Untamed Heart, I went through pretty much the same thing. My ex was a really great guy but I just couldn't bring myself to feel anything for him in the way he wanted me to. It was good for me though. I feel so much happier now that I don't feel like I have to get a boyfriend just because that's what people do. This bird is flying solo.

[Untamed Heart]

That really is great to hear, and thanks  I never really got with anyone in the past "just because", more like I was looking for emotional support in what I felt was a rough few years in my life and thought romantic relationships could give me what I wanted (As Seen On TV lol), as I didn't really have any good friends and there were problems in the family. Nothing totally major, but I didn't feel like I could really share how I felt with anyone.

They were all pretty similar experiences, but this time was a bit different and while I still wish it could have worked out for us, I'm glad it happened and I feel a lot different, more free and I understand myself a lot better. I also realise my first relationship, the only one I was truly happy in, was pretty close to being a QPP, as it felt like having a best friend as well as romantic partner, though it was long distance which probably helped in my case.

[aussiekirkland]

@Untamed Heart @Hey you in the corner

I also had a relationship with a really great guy. We had a lot in common and seemed pretty compatible so I couldn't understand why I felt nothing for him even after giving it 9 months. "Fake it till you make it" definitely didn't work in my case.

[Mark]

On 29/11/2016 at 5:54 PM, Cassiopeia said:

I was always really scared to ID as aro because it sounds so final, so categorical.

Its not just finding it hard to determine the lack of something you never had, but also ruling out the possibility of it.

I, still, have mixed feelings.
On one hand "aromantic" is a term which describes me well.
On  the other virtually nobody else has any clue what it means and it describes only what I can't do rather than what I can.
Plenty of times I wish I could be "normal".

 

On 29/11/2016 at 5:54 PM, Cassiopeia said:

What if people will use my identity to question my relationships in the future? Queer relationships seldom treated as legitimate, and a same sex queerplatonic relationship will be even less.

Different sex QP relationships don't tend to be seen as "legitimate" most of the time, either.
 

On 29/11/2016 at 5:54 PM, Cassiopeia said:

Romance is so deeply enbedded into our culture, and it comes with lots of privileges and advantages. It's not easy choosing to be yourself knowing you may pay a high price for that.

Not being yourself can also come with a high price. As can doing nothing because there's a possibility that some day you will change and, magically, want too do those normative things which you've never wanted before...

 

On 29/11/2016 at 8:04 PM, Cassiopeia said:

Yes, precisely. And even if your person is okay with you experimenting, as a questioning aro, after how many failed loveless relationships can you be sure? What if the next one will be it but you stopped trying? What if you date for three months, and its all bland and forced but the spark would have been finally there if you stayed together for two more? I remember being in a relationship, and trying to find out the correct number of months that would already qualify as Serious Long Term Relationship™ to know that I have exprerienced the thing.

I have experimented with romantic relationships, a little. Because that was all I could find, rather than what I actually wanted. About the most I managed was six weeks.
 

On 30/11/2016 at 1:06 PM, Kojote said:

I feel this so much! Part of the reasons why I broke down after realizing that I'm not romantic material was precisely that. How do I know I'm not just to scared to try it? How will I know if I won't regret this later? Can I really be alone for the rest_of_my_life? What if everyone I've ever liked moves on and I'm left alone just because I was to "stubborn" to give it a shot. Make the thing happen with somebody. So what if I felt miserable even considering it, maybe I am just taking the easy way out instead of confronting myself with a serious relationship^tm . Surely I could fake it till I make it, however long that takes.

I also fear being alone. However being in a romantic co-habiting coupley type thing isn't the sort of company and companionship I actually aspire to anyway. Which is a difficult concept to explain in an amantonormative society.

[cute kitty Meow! Mewo!]

I confess I think I might be realizing that.... even now, I am somehow convinced that given time I will finally be ready for a relationship, despite the fact that my entire life I've been constantly telling me "I should put dating off 'til later. I'm not really ready to be someone's partner"

 

I need to just let it go. This girl goes solo!

[Mark]

11 hours ago, cute kitty Meow! Mewo! said:

I confess I think I might be realizing that.... even now, I am somehow convinced that given time I will finally be ready for a relationship, despite the fact that my entire life I've been constantly telling me "I should put dating off 'til later. I'm not really ready to be someone's partner"

It can be difficult working out and expressing what you actually want. Especially when that is non normative and lacking in examples and role models.
You might change your mind or you might not.
 

11 hours ago, cute kitty Meow! Mewo! said:

 need to just let it go. This girl goes solo!

The term "solo" dosn't necessarily mean without interpersonal relationships. Though in several contexts it does mean without being "in a couple".

[Cereal Tendencies]

I find it annoying how if a man remains single, society will leave him alone to be the "miserable bachelor" that he is

 

but if a woman chooses to remain single, she has doomed herself for eternity and will eventually become a crazy cat lady spinster

 

where is the sense in that??

[Mark]

11 hours ago, Cereal Tendencies said:

I find it annoying how if a man remains single, society will leave him alone to be the "miserable bachelor" that he is

 

but if a woman chooses to remain single, she has doomed herself for eternity and will eventually become a crazy cat lady spinster

 

where is the sense in that??

I'm not convinced that "miserable spinster" and "crazy cat gent bachelor" would be any improvement
Kind of depends if you view "miserable" or "crazy" as being the most unflattering adjective.

Maybe a condition of calling anyone a "crazy cat person" should be to offer them a kitten.

[Untamed Heart]

Sounds good to me  

[cute kitty Meow! Mewo!]

I confess that I am more likely to be a chicken owner than a cat owner. or maybe I'll be a cactus owner. if it starts with a c, does it count as a cat?

[Untamed Heart]

Well, they're all (generally) less trouble than human partners. I guess that's partly why crazy cat ladies prefer cats over men?  

[cute kitty Meow! Mewo!]

very true lol. 

 

I just don't like being needed I guess. 

[Dodecahedron314]

@cute kitty Meow! Mewo! Join the crazy cactus person club 

[Holmbo]

On 2016-12-06 at 2:26 PM, Cereal Tendencies said:

I find it annoying how if a man remains single, society will leave him alone to be the "miserable bachelor" that he is

 

but if a woman chooses to remain single, she has doomed herself for eternity and will eventually become a crazy cat lady spinster

 

where is the sense in that??

I've gotten almost the opposite impression. That men who live alone after a certain age are often seen as weird. While women who live alone can be the "fun aunt" or the friend who actually have time to hang out, because she's not busy with husband and kids all the time.

[Cereal Tendencies]

That feeling when you want to marry rich and enjoy life, but then your brain reminds you that you're aro/ace 

[Untamed Heart]

As in, actually keeping the rich husband around for company, not bumping him off and making it look like an accident, so you then become rich and single again? 

[Cereal Tendencies]

...Maybe?