Feelings about monogamy.

[Mark]

I though it would be worth asking what people here think about monogamy.

Those who are ace might like to consider social, emotional or structural monogamy.
 

[DaviM703]

I sort of feel like I want a zucchini who is my closest friend, and I'd be open to having just one or more. However, I sort of see the concept of monogamy as like deliberately building a wall to keep everyone else out, which I think people should be allowed to do with their own lives (not an entire country) but I wouldn't do since I want to be available for people who may have similar struggles to me getting close to people and the concept of monogamy seems to tell you to avoid letting anyone other than your one person, especially the same gender as that person, get close really at all which isn't something I agree with.

[nonmerci]

I don't really care about monogamy  (I thought, reading the definition, that I could care about structural monogamy, but then I read the example and... no).

I suppose it is juste me thinking that some kind of connection with a person should not provide you for having the same connection with someone else, if this connection is developping itself. I must be a non-exclusive person.

 

But to be honest, I never thought about it before. Monogamy us just don't sound like a concept that applies to me (that's why I chose "something else"). I just don't see the point in the kind of relationship I have (which are not sexual, not romantic, not queerplatonic...). I have familial and friendly relationships, and I can't see how concepts of monogamy and polygamy are relevant here.

[Holmbo]

Even before I realized I was aro, monogamy seemed strange to me. Why restrict your relationships like that.

I suppose I could see myself having a very unique relationship with someone where we shared some experiences only with each other. But that would have to come naturally.

[AroAnomaly]

On 1/23/2020 at 2:06 AM, Holmbo said:

Even before I realized I was aro, monogamy seemed strange to me. Why restrict your relationships like that.

I suppose I could see myself having a very unique relationship with someone where we shared some experiences only with each other. But that would have to come naturally.

Yeah, that’s what I’ve literally always felt like, even before I questioned my sexuality, long before I realized I was aromantic.

 

 I’m pretty much only interested in poly relationships though. I have two zucchini’s rn and they’re both poly and allo (and dating people) and this seems like my happy place relationship wise.

[Holmbo]

3 hours ago, Fynnlee said:

Yeah, that’s what I’ve literally always felt like, even before I questioned my sexuality, long before I realized I was aromantic.

 

 I’m pretty much only interested in poly relationships though. I have two zucchini’s rn and they’re both poly and allo (and dating people) and this seems like my happy place relationship wise.

How do you find people interested in polly relationships?

[AroAnomaly]

10 hours ago, Holmbo said:

How do you find people interested in polly relationships?

Well, irl it just kind of happens, and a good number of my friends are quietly poly, but rn, it's cause I met them on an LGBTQ thing.

[Ch0c0]

I used to be a hardcore pro-monogamy but I no longer value it as such. After discovering aromanticism and other alternative relationships structures I changed my mind.

 

However I am still afraid of the difficulties in relationships. I guess that they are at least double in polygamic relationships. The more people involved, the more complex the balance. I am curious to see testimonies of people who have tried it.

[aro_elise]

Prefer poly but open to mono.  My ideal relationship would be an open triad, with two guys of course.  But I also love being single.  

[LBMango]

My ideal relationship, for ME, is what I call fractionamory. So, in polyamory, I would be in (possibly) more than one relationship. In fractionamory, I'd be in less than one, but not zero... so, like, 1/2 of a relationship... 

[ClearBlueSea]

I don't understand monogamy at all. It seems restrictive.

[bananaslug]

I grew up in a poly household, and almost everyone in my friend group and religious community is non-monogamous so well I have a strong preference for non-monogamous relationships that's mostly just because it's the relationship model I'm most familiar with 

[sunny]

As an aro/ace mess of a human being, it's extremely rare that I get a overflowing platonic fondness for someone. I recently found the word "alterous" and it's been pretty eye opening for my own sake. I definitely lean toward the light that I'd likely stay with one qpr or something-akin-to-such for as long as we found it amicable. However, I don't see much of anything like that for myself. I have people I care deeply about who live very far away from me, so while we care in the ways we naturally do for one another, there's nothing... necessarily concrete in it. I simply trust those people to be honest and forthright in what they want and need, and for myself to do the same for them.

 

This is a bit long-winded to say: I think one partner would be more than plenty, but should a situation occur where I have more than one special person in my life... I'm not going to shut that door, per say. I'm definitely cautious, that's for certain, and I find those scenarios unlikely, but I care and love in my own way, and I don't want to limit that more than I have to.

[WrenIsNotMyRealName!!]

6 minutes ago, sunny said:

As an aro/ace mess of a human being

 

6 minutes ago, sunny said:

but I care and love in my own way

Imagine if you couldn't even do that.

[sunny]

Just now, WrenIsNotMyRealName!! said:

Imagine if you couldn't even do that.

 

this isn't a contest, this is about exploring and discussing the ways multiple people in the same community go through life individually. the ways i use the word love and care are unique to me, and comparing them with other experiences has more consequences than merit. could we as a collective stray away from comparison? all of this is a spectrum. we don't need to be pitting ourselves against one another.

[WrenIsNotMyRealName!!]

9 minutes ago, sunny said:

this isn't a contest

Did I say I was competing? 

[Apex]

Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with either monogamy or nonmonogamy. Different things work for different people, both can be healthy or unhealthy, etc etc.

 

I have very little relationship experience so I can't say for sure which I'd prefer, but I've entertained the idea of both and am open to both. Usually when I think about being in a relationship though, it's a monogamous one. Forming strong bonds is rare for me, and can take a long time, so it's unlikely that it would happen with multiple people at once. I've also had jealousy issues in the past and there's a chance that would hinder me being in a polyam setup. I also don't feel the need to have more than one partner.

 

But, certain aspects of nonmonogamy are appealing to me. I like the concept of loving and being affectionate with multiple people, and it also seems like it'd be less pressure on me. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't entertained the idea of being someone's second/secondary partner because it might be the most likely way for me to find a QPR.

[LoveIsZaxlebax]

I’m only interested in monogamy, and only sexual monogamy for pragmatic reasons.  Plus social and partial structural monogamy, solely for the sake of enforcing sexual monogamy.  Love has nothing to do with it.  I will not have limited, conditional or shared access to something that I relieve my libido with.

[Apathetic Echidna]

On 1/20/2020 at 10:41 PM, Mark said:

consider social, emotional or structural monogamy.

Thanks so much for the article! I've not seen it broken down that way before, and so easy to understand ?

I answered indifferent in the poll before I read the article, and it is true for sexual, social and structural. But as my pet peev is emotional cheating accusations I cannot see emotional monogamy as anything but limiting and harmful. I'll admit it might work for some people, but then they may probably be alloromantic and I only have a rough theoretical understanding of their bond. Whatever, I don't want that emotional monogamy anywhere near me!

[pigeonhead]

I'd be open to a poly relationship if I liked all parties involved, but due to the fact that likely wouldn't happen I'd prefer to be in a monogamous relationship. I don't have any problem with either structure of relationship, and both have their pros and cons, but due to the fact that I'm demiro a monogamous relationship is more appealing as it'd be highly unlikely that I'd experience romantic attraction to more than one person at once, let alone a single person. However, my ultimate goal would not to be in a romantic relationship, just a QPR. 

[yurihands]

I find it really interesting that between only interested in non monogamy and not caring about either relationship structure, it's still a tie. It's validating to see since it shows that there's no wrong way to be aro, your relationships can be whatever shape and size you want it to be or not be obligated to have those kinds of relationships at all.

[Tagor]

I chose monogamous in the poll as I personally don't think I have the energy to support more than one deep bond with someone else which obviously rules out multiple partners. As a heterosexual romance neutral/positive aro, my current goal is to find a monogamous romantic relationship or QPR, but if it turns out this isn't possible because it turns out I can't fulfil all the needs of my partner I guess I'll have to settle for some sort of polygamous construct.

[John Rando]

I choosed "Open to monogamous relationships, but would prefer non-monogamous relationships" but, actually, I just do not really feel a urge do date at all.

Nevertheless, if I ever romantically/sexually date, it would be someone that would be a trusted friend and that would not require me to have cuddles, romance or sex for the relationship to exist (since I'm not sure I would be okay with it). I think those criterias are harder to find with a monogamous allo (which are the majority of my potential dating pool), since monogamy often comes wit the assuption that every "needs" must be fulfilled by the partner. So I guess my chances of starting a relationship are higher with a poly allo that could find what she lacks outside of the relationship. I guess that would be reassuring for me about the strenght of the relationship as well for the same reason (being aspec is weird isn't it ?). Beside that, I'm not really into creating constraining agreements with others, so I wouldn't push for monogamy even if I were worried of loosing her by letting her do whatever she likes.

I passed my mid 20's without ever considering dating any of my crushes, so even if a poly relationship happened to me, chances are that it would be a monogamous relationship from my side anyway.

Edited May 31, 2020 by John Rando

[SurrealEntity]

For me the nuance is a bit different, I would be perfectly fine having an intimate relationship with only one person, but I want there to be the freedom to include one or more persons, or start new intimate relationships. I just don't want the relationship to be limited to monogamy, if that makes sense? But like, I also don't necessarily need to have multiple partners to feel fulfilled, so I wouldn't consider myself to be poly. Yet it isn't ambiamory either, because I would in no circumstance be okay with a strictly monogamous relationship. It's confusing.

FWY the relationship I'm talking about in this hypothetical context, would be a queerplatonic relationship.