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About sunny

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  • Birthday 03/03/1998

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  • Name
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    homoalterous aro
  • Gender
    trans masc
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    forest somewhere
  • Occupation
    sky watcher

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  1. CW: Medication, Talk of Sexual Intimacy, Unhealthy Relationships with Sexual Intimacy I have a couple friends where the lines between romantic and platonic are fairly blurred. (I'm gonna keep the language light here, for reference, but it's not particularly a FWB situation, but we've never called it a QPR either.) One such is someone I hold very dear to me, we'll call them T. I've known T a little under a year, and we've always had this sort of dynamic between us. They're allo, and after stating the boundaries I have we've come to a mutual comforted medium. We talk openly and revisit bou
  2. QPRs like this are entirely possible. I have people I know long distance who I engage with in a number of "inherently romantic" ways, but it wasn't without in depth conversations and a constant reiteration of boundaries and ensuring that they also know they can get their romantic affection elsewhere. I didn't get anywhere without the emotional labor and patience of sitting down and explaining myself, and making sure the people I love are also satisfied in the state of our QPR. I don't think we've put a name on it, but I don't think we need to. It's worked for us this long so-- but that's my st
  3. Lately I've realized that my definition of platonic and romantic is a little skewed. I'm not entirely sure what defines one or the other for me (frankly I have a hard time seeing a line at all, I don't necessarily think there is one. Let me rephrase, because I'm having a hard time iterating it: What defines that point where a situation potentially dips into the romantic? For me I can't label it as an action specifically, while certain things (kissing, namely) dip more into the "romantic" side of things, I find the emotions behind whatever actions drastically change the context. I don't th
  4. hey there. you can like or not like anything that's romantic coded and still ID as aro. i have friends where we talk about kissing or cuddling, and despite being ace i still engage sexually with those people. sure, it's a bit confusing, but i've found being forthright and setting boundaries still makes those relationships possible. i still say i love you, because love to me isn't inherently romantic or platonic, but i mean it all the same. to rephrase: people often assume romantic attraction and platonic attraction are separate. i had a friend once describe it to me as a venn diagram
  5. as someone who has a weird mix of both- they can absolutely be connected. in personal experiences i've never felt entirely... good about sex. while i experience sexual attraction, and the feelings that follow, i have such a hard time with the follow through of enjoying an actual encounter. i don't think i ever have, despite the fact that in certain times, i want it. the notion of being in a romantic relationship and engaging with that person sexually completely repulses me. when i think of a romantic relationship, having to wrestle with the implications following a romantic relationship (
  6. i'm very much in the boat of touch that's labeled "with who i want/ when i decide" and I feel that's ridiculously common. sometimes i go whole weeks without wanting to touch someone, and tasks of being hugged or brushed up against make me tense and uncomfortable- even if i know the person. at the same time, i often go without touch at all, not receiving for a few weeks only to be painfully aware of it. hugs are something i treasure, and things as simple as leaning up against someone can be so nice. kisses are a bit more particular. i often vacillate between being okay with them and
  7. this isn't a contest, this is about exploring and discussing the ways multiple people in the same community go through life individually. the ways i use the word love and care are unique to me, and comparing them with other experiences has more consequences than merit. could we as a collective stray away from comparison? all of this is a spectrum. we don't need to be pitting ourselves against one another.
  8. As an aro/ace mess of a human being, it's extremely rare that I get a overflowing platonic fondness for someone. I recently found the word "alterous" and it's been pretty eye opening for my own sake. I definitely lean toward the light that I'd likely stay with one qpr or something-akin-to-such for as long as we found it amicable. However, I don't see much of anything like that for myself. I have people I care deeply about who live very far away from me, so while we care in the ways we naturally do for one another, there's nothing... necessarily concrete in it. I simply trust those people to be
  9. These are all thoughts that you're 100% allowed to have (I know I've felt all of this ) and I like pressing that first. That being said, I think not feeling loved, and the sort of "loss of value" from not feeling loved, comes from a struggle within the self to not see your inherent worth. It's hard to equate worth to yourself (you're talking to the King of it, pal) if we don't connect it to other people, but when we establish other's inherent value, we have to equate that to ourselves. people are whole without other people loving them. you are also whole without being loved. you do
  10. That definitely resonates. There's a privilege that often goes unchecked with alloromantics, that they're a "norm" and how they feel should be obvious but it isn't to a lot of it. I think there's a link to getting frustrated when aro folk ask questions, because I feel that also plays into it. I mean, how many times have I asked my mom what love feels like? My friends? My siblings? How long did I keep asking after getting answers like you'll know it when you feel it, you just know, and don't you know already? I feel like aromantics often turn away from empathizing with the struggles
  11. This is a really interesting topic, actually. I'm going to focus mainly on 1-to-1 empathy with someone who isn't your partner. I don't think we lack empathy for allos in general, I think it has to do with us practicing empathy on a regular basis. I think it has to do a lot with who we surrounded ourselves with how they interacted with us. I can only talk about myself here, so that's what I'll do: I was always the friend (and am, still, honestly) that gets approached when someone needs romantic advice. Why? Beats me. I'm a neutral party, mostly, and I've made my mistakes. I guess I
  12. I always think I'm careful about picking my friends. I worry so much about being over-dramatic about "standards," but I know I've neglected giving myself any at all and just sort of "take what I can get." I think it boils down to self-worth, in allowing yourself the space to need/want things out of a friendship. But I hear you, taking time in building the right connections is so important.
  13. this is something that I'm struggling with now. i'll keep details light but reading this i think gave me an awareness we didn't have before. i am in a situation where i am confronting directly the problems that the other person doesn't wish to. i know it's not going to end well, and perhaps explicitly stating that it's okay if they aren't equipped to be vulnerable with me in response might make things easier. it's not going to be a pretty outcome anyways, but i think that might soften the blow. i haven't found the proper words to say "hey, i love you, but you lack the emotional intent and grow
  14. Most recently on one of my papers, we had an assignment where we "dated ourselves" and took ourselves out on a date. food and an activity, right? i had fun, but I wrote in there that i wasn't a romantic person. and the paper was supposed to be analytical, so my grader put "why?" underneath it. I ended up laughing because, golly, that's a page or two on itself. I often just say that I don't experience romantic attraction, instead of saying aromantic. It skips a step, but it was so weird that this was a... wildly unheard of phrase. my grader genuinely was confused by what i meant.
  15. I think I'd be comfortable with the right person sharing a bed, but either a house by myself or a house with 2-3 people I consider close friends, or potentially qprs could be really fun imo.
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