Early signs that you were aro

[FragileDear]

I remember at one point in high school thinking 'How do people just 'find' each other and know they would want a romantic relationship with that person. What is this so called 'magic' people describe?'

[sunflowerfriend]

1. I had a "crush" (actually a squish) on a guy and I wrote in his yearbook, "You're a cool friend, I hope we can hang out some time soon!" and thought i was being so romantic lol

2. My friend was telling me about her crush on my other (straight, female) friend and how terrible unrequited love is. My first thought was "why is that so bad? you guys are really close friends".

tbh, I sometimes feel bad that I can't really understand it bc I don't really know how to support my friends through it :(( 

Edited May 8, 2021 by sunflowerfriend

[Nessa]

As a kid I wasn't thinking about all this at all. As a teenager in junior high and in highschool I was the only one who wasn't interested in having a boyfriend. I really didn't get why people wanted a relationship so young. I thought that it would maybe change growing up but it didn't.

[roboticanary]

I realise now that whenever I made serious plans for the future I always worked on the assumption that I would be living alone and as self sufficient as I could be. I remember when I first went to university and I was making sure I learnt all the cooking things I wanted before I left, my grandad joked that I should 'just find myself a woman for that'.

This was also a thing when I was first looking for places to live, the thought of having a bit more space incase someone moved in with me just never occured to me and I only found out that was unusual when a friend visited and asked me what I would do if I got a girlfriend. 

When I was at school and wondering what to do with my life I had no problem with moving way across the country or even going abroad. Someone I knew asked me what if I was with someone who wanted to stay local, I shrugged and said I would just leave. He looked at me like I was crazy and I never really understood why.

Each thing on its own didn't seem of any meaning but when I think back on it I did really just not consider the possibility that I would end up in a romantic relationship.

[Finch]

On 5/8/2021 at 2:14 AM, sunflowerfriend said:

2. My friend was telling me about her crush on my other (straight, female) friend and how terrible unrequited love is. My first thought was "why is that so bad? you guys are really close friends".

tbh, I sometimes feel bad that I can't really understand it bc I don't really know how to support my friends through it :(( 

Haha, ain't that a mood :D

I sometimes feel bad because it's difficult for me to understand my friend's relationships too. I try to be there for them and listen to their struggles, and that's usually just what they need.

When it comes to understanding romance though, I actually had to consciously study things like "signs that people like someone" or "why breakups are terrible" and "romantic subtext" and the like because I basically don't have a personal frame of reference when it comes to feeling romantic attraction or being in a relationship. Being aegoromantic helps to sympathize with romantic feelings, but it's still no a substitute for actually being in love with a real person.

[Nessa]

On 5/15/2021 at 1:47 AM, roboticanary said:

I realise now that whenever I made serious plans for the future I always worked on the assumption that I would be living alone and as self sufficient as I could be. I remember when I first went to university and I was making sure I learnt all the cooking things I wanted before I left, my grandad joked that I should 'just find myself a woman for that'.

This was also a thing when I was first looking for places to live, the thought of having a bit more space incase someone moved in with me just never occured to me and I only found out that was unusual when a friend visited and asked me what I would do if I got a girlfriend. 

When I was at school and wondering what to do with my life I had no problem with moving way across the country or even going abroad. Someone I knew asked me what if I was with someone who wanted to stay local, I shrugged and said I would just leave. He looked at me like I was crazy and I never really understood why.

Each thing on its own didn't seem of any meaning but when I think back on it I did really just not consider the possibility that I would end up in a romantic relationship.

I so relate to what you have said. 

I have never imagined myself in a relationship, never occured to me that this could happen. I have always made plans for myself and still do it. 

The thought of someone living with me just don't cross my mind. I really can't picture it. ??‍♀️ 

[PancakeSnake]

something that i think was a very aromantic thing for me to do as a kid (age 10 to 15 ish i think?), was when i would look at my classmates and decide to have a crush on a specific person. this would actually take a bit of effort, funnily enough! for example, if my "crush" said something i found annoying, my "romantic feelings" would weaken quite a bit, and i would have to put real effort into cranking that romantic feelings-meter back up

soooo uuhhh......... it turns out romantic attraction does, in fact, not usually work that way lol. most people don't just "pick a person" to be having a crush on for the next couple of months xD

also, as a kid my ideal living situation as an adult was to live together in one house/apartment/building/etc. with a group of friends rather than for example a spouse haha

[Kallie]

I could never imagine myself marrying someone out of love, marriage has always felt like something I'd have to check off my list to be "a proper adult".

[PissLover2]

When I was in middle school I dated a couple people. All of the relationships ended after a few weeks with us not even talking to each other after the second week. At first in the relationship I would want to hang out with them and possibly do "unsavory" things with them but it never went that far. After the first two weeks of dating I would be completely uninterested in them. I would want nothing to do with them. I just thought I was broken, or a player, something along those lines anyway. Did anyone else have a similar experience to this?  

1 hour ago, Kallie said:

I could never imagine myself marrying someone out of love, marriage has always felt like something I'd have to check off my list to be "a proper adult".

That how I felt aswell. I didn't and still don't want to marry at all. Whenever I was younger I always felt so pressured by all my family and friends to get married when I get older.

[Intergalactic Indigo]

On 6/12/2021 at 2:37 PM, PancakeSnake said:

something that i think was a very aromantic thing for me to do as a kid (age 10 to 15 ish i think?), was when i would look at my classmates and decide to have a crush on a specific person. this would actually take a bit of effort, funnily enough! for example, if my "crush" said something i found annoying, my "romantic feelings" would weaken quite a bit, and i would have to put real effort into cranking that romantic feelings-meter back up

I did this as a kid too! I thought I was supposed to have crushes, so I would choose someone who seemed like a nice person and convince myself that I had romantic feelings for them. I would keep forgetting that I supposedly had a crush on them, and it would take so much mental energy to try to keep up my "romantic feelings."

[GaiGantic]

I remember in elementary school there was this one girl I would be extremely close to, I would talk to her about my messed up home life, fantasize about her, and would want her as a girlfriend then when we did become a couple first day I broke up with her because people on the playground said she was my girlfriend

In highschool I tried to have four romantic relationships and they all failed after two months  because I never felt anything for my significant others except for lust and platonic interest and I only really tried to have romantic relationships because I wanted to be like my peers and I also subconsciously saw it at the time as  gateway to happiness but then whenever I tried it felt suffocating and draining

i remember being in this one particular relationship where I remember wanting to break up with this girl but I didn’t want to make it seem like I used her so I planned to try to stay with her until I had to go to college but I couldn’t take it anymore and I broke up with her a month later 

Edited June 15, 2021 by GaiGantic

[cynthia]

Oh god.

In middle school, when my friends would talk to me about their crushes and tell me stories, I would always make fun of them. I know, I know, I was a douchebag but I really thought they were lying!

I did not believe that kids could feel romantic attraction. So my friend would come to me and start talking about her crush, I would be the know-it-all that I was back then and talk about how what she was feeling at the time was not romantic, she was just trying to grow up fast and act like an adult. We were 11 or 12 back then. Then I would question her about what she felt when she saw him, then I would compare that to what I've seen from books. Sometimes it would match and I would be like, it checks out, you're free to go. But most of the time my poor aro little brain couldn't comprehend what she was saying.

I had a friend that join me sometimes. I don't know why she agreed with me but yeah, she ended up being very alloromantic.  She had a boyfriend at the end of middle school. All my friends did. I lost a soldier that day folks. There was no one else to fight beside me. After that, it only took me one or two years to figure out I was actually aromantic.

[Mell]

I think the biggest one for me is thinking back to all the times I felt terrible about not being in a relationship but that feeling never came from genuinely wanting one but for somehow feeling like I was "less than" because I hadn't dated anyone. I started feeling this way in early high school and only started feeling less bad about it a couple years ago (I'm now 22) but that was even before I realized I was aro, I thought it just wasn't my time yet to date. Now I realize I don't even want to! Lmao how the turn tables

[nonmerci]

When I was in high school, we wrote the play we will play at the end of the year. At some point, we had something about a wedding in it. And I ask "can I play a woman that hate weddings?"

[flyingfish]

I remember that whenever I developed interest in someone, I never was focused on doing romantic things so much as having a deep emotional connection and someone to talk to

Edited September 4, 2021 by flyingfish

[Guest Same lol]

On 3/8/2021 at 7:26 PM, DivineCyst said:

I think that for me it was the thought of crushes and i made one up in like 4th grade and it was a squish i realized once i found out i was aro... whoopsies haha.

Same! I just realised I did this my whole life ? (I’m turning 18 in a month)

[Guest Kagsart]

Em 12/06/2021 às 16:37, PancakeSnake disse:

algo que eu acho que era uma coisa muito aromântica para eu fazer quando criança (idade entre 10 e 15 anos, eu acho?), era quando eu olhava para meus colegas e decidir ter uma queda por uma pessoa específica. isso realmente exigiria um pouco de esforço, curiosamente! por exemplo, se minha "paixão" dissesse algo que eu achasse irritante, meus "sentimentos românticos" enfraqueceriam um pouco, e eu teria que me esforçar muito para aumentar o medidor de sentimentos românticos

muuuuito uuhhh ...... ... Acontece que a atração romântica, na verdade, não costuma funcionar dessa forma lol. a maioria das pessoas não "escolhe uma pessoa" para ter uma queda nos próximos meses xD

além disso, quando criança, minha situação ideal de vida como adulto era viver juntos em uma casa / apartamento / prédio / etc. com um grupo de amigos ao promover de, por exemplo, um cônjuge haha

(I used the translator so if something is wrong it's because of that)

I definitely identified with that, I think since I was very young I thought that to be happy I needed to be in a loving relationship and that it was something natural. dating but in the end it turned out that "dating" was nothing more or less than a great friendship that was titled as a love relationship.

I often found myself ending relationships as if it were nothing and after a while feeling extremely guilty for realizing that even being with that person for months I didn't feel any romantic feelings at all and it bothered me to the extreme because I wanted to have a relationship like other people, i wanted to love someone romantically like other people and it started to become a huge obsession with HAVING to be in a relationship to be "normal".

I've caught myself in conversation with my friends of theirs saying that I dated a lot of people and I said with such disinterest that phrase "I never really felt anything for them" heard I never really liked them it was just something in my head" but even after saying these phrases I was still actively looking for people that I would get along with and that would serve for me to date. In one of these situations I wasn't dating him but the situation somehow felt romantic to other people so much so that one of my classmates asked me if I liked him and I saw it as an "opportunity" and said yes but I DEFINITELY DID NOT FEEL ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.(we ended up dating for a few months) and when it was over I felt very liberated and free because this person was very fond of physical contact and enjoyed doing romantic activities

Even after that I ended up getting into a toxic relationship where I was obsessed with continuing relationships and not being alone and the guy who basically used it against me, after this relationship disaster I stopped and decided to give up, I was tired and honestly didn't feel more need for a relationship with anyone and that's when I discovered arromanticy and I felt wrong (I still feel but this is my thing) maybe that's because I want to have a relationship where I love my partner and be reciprocal but I think I definitely won't have it. 

By the way I love novels and how all the development happens it becomes something fascinating just like magic.

[SirBeastling]

A girl asked me to prom and I absent-mindedly said that wasn't really my thing, as politely as I could. I didn't know I might be aro, then, and I am still questioning.

[Jamie-moon]

I hadn’t find out that I am demiromantic until recently when I looked back at my past and realized that all of my “crushes” was really just gender envy and anxiety. I was never interested into relationships and really didn’t see the point of them and never actively pursue anyone before besides the one with my bf.

Although romance scenes never really bothered me and I founded them entertaining and would actively read romance novels I never understood the point. 

Marriage also never made sense although I liked the idea of not being lonely but  not the romance. 

I only ever been interested into romance and experienced actual romantic feelings is when I developed a strong emotional connection with the person who is now my bf. 

[blueberrydragon]

1. Asking my mom if I could marry my best friend when I was 11. I did this because in my grandparents' house, there was a photo of them at their wedding above some text saying "I married my best friend." which sounded pretty good to me XD 

 2. Whenever I claimed had a "crush", it would either be aesthetic, alterous or platonic attraction. So I usually ended up avoiding my supposed "crush" because my friends would expect me to flirt with them and I didn't really want to...

3. My one attempt at romance failing horribly as I tried to force myself into uncomfy things like marathon hand-holding :/ 

[Arsenic]

On 11/19/2021 at 2:55 AM, Jamie-moon said:

I only ever been interested into romance and experienced actual romantic feelings is when I developed a strong emotional connection with the person who is now my bf. 

Hei, here a question. I thought for some time that I was demiromantic and sometimes I wonder if I am or if I am fully aromantic. How is it to develop romantic feelings suddenly for someone you have known for a lot of time? I mean, how does it feel?

[Guest Lina]

1. I never liked being touched.  Hugs, cuddling, holding hands, ...... just was uncomfortable for me. My family said it was weird and I should go to therapy about it and maybe change. But I never wanted to cause that's just me - take it or leave it.

2. I was annoyed by romance in movies/books especially when there's a love triangle. Like what's so difficult: Just choose one of them or be in a vee. I always preferred different story lines and sometimes just skipped the boring and cringe heartfelt dialogues.

3. Also I never understand when good friends get together. That just complicates a beautiful platonic friendship and the possibility of breaking up and loosing that friend just isn't worth it (to me at least). Also, I never see the signs of flirting and am always surprised and shocked when hearing about new couples. 

4. I feel uncomfortable with public display of affection. And I cannot say "I love you" to people without feeling uncomfortable. Animals, easy no worries. But anyone else, heebie jeebies. 

5. I never had a crush and can't understand how people completely lose themselves when being in love. I always just want to be friends with everyone. When I suspect/find out that someone likes me, I get really anxious and panick. I'm just scared of losing a friend and can't really get my head around the thought of actually dating that person.

6. In highschool I had friends who hadn't had a kiss/relationship either so I didn't feel pressured for finding someone. Thus, I didn't even think about dating anyone until ~18 when my friends and family started asking about my love life. I always said that there's noone I like and it has stayed like that until now. I thought maybe "the One" would come and turn my whole life upside down and "fix" me - well I don't believe that nomore and do not think my feelings need fixing.

Well anyways that's my story. I found out with 21 that there's a whole community feeling the same way. Somehow my experiences are only now validated since there's a term for them and others sharing them. 

[MaxIsCosmic]

the earliest thing I can remember is when my mom was talking about prom and I said "I'm going to go by myself and steal all the pizza" ( I was like 5 at the time )

[Arsenic]

Me at primary school confusing platonic love with having a crush, me at high school confusing aesthetic attraction and gender envy with having a crush, me happily taking about how perfect my future life would be living alone and having a loooottt of pets and plants, me hating seeing stupid romance plots in movies/books/series...

[Bumble_Bee_]

When I was in like middle school I had this boyfriend but I never really had romantic feelings for him, and I look back and realized that that was just aesthetic attraction-