Mell

Thank you so much for the response Apex, I really resonate with everything you said, these things are difficult to come to terms with. Its so hard not to feel lonely and not to demand oneself to be more sexual because that is what is expected us/gives us some sense of worth in society. And you make such a great point about how people seeing me as proof of those stereotypes would be a huge red flag. Thankfully my allo friends have been great about it so far but that would be a good sign not to be around someone who thought like that, whew!

Hey y'all! I hope that everyone has been having a great holiday season, whichever ones you celebrate during this time. I started really coming to terms with being aro about this time a year ago (even though there have been signs most of my life) and coming to terms with being ace just this summer. While I am so relieved to have language for my experiences, thankful to have talked with some really cool people online, and also am proud of my identity, I have felt an overwhelming sense of grief and sadness about being aro/ace as well. I always pictured myself being able to fall in love eventually and enjoy having sex with people, both of which are proving themselves to be untrue for me. I think maybe its because society puts such an emphasis on romance and sex and because I expected it to happen to me for so long that I am feeling this way, and now I am having to grapple with the fact that these things probably won't happen. It's also hard having friends talk about these things and feeling left out, and trying to imagine what the rest of my life will look like as most of them start to partner up. I struggle to talk about these feelings because I don't want to paint being aro or ace as a bad thing, they are both beautiful and amazing identities, it is just taking me some time to really feel that for myself. I know that there's already a lot of perceptions of ace/aro people as sad and miserable and missing out on life so I don't want to feed into that but also want to cope with my feelings. I wanted to know if any of you have had a similar experience to this one and/or have any advice for giving myself the space to feel/work through these emotions while also being proud of my identity. Sending love to everyone during this holiday season!

That is so valid and thank you for sharing! It is cool that you are taking the time to question your feelings and what you want. I have never been in this situation before but I would say that communication is key. Maybe sit with your feelings for awhile until you're more sure about what you want and talk to her about it? Wishing you luck

I think this book has appeared on this page before but I just finished reading Loveless by Alice Oseman! I absolutely loved it, would recommend, 1000/10. Its about a girl going to college and coming to terms with being aro/ace. I related to her experiences a lot and it made me feel very seen.

This has been said multiple times and I love that this is a recurring theme, but I love that I am able to channel all of my love into my platonic and familial relationships, I think it makes them feel so much more special to me. I have so much love for my friends and family that it is overwhelming in the best way and that has always sustained me. Before I knew I was aro I always had this feeling that nothing was missing, in the sense that nothing was missing in not being in romantic relationships, there was no void to be filled. In time I realized I was aro and didn't want/couldn't experience that type of love anyway. Now I know that what I really want is to channel more of my love into familial and platonic relationships, the love I thought I would experience in romantic ones. Since realizing I was aro I have only felt closer to the people in my life and have only wanted to be more affectionate with them and then those relationships have only become more fulfilling.

I am so happy to hear that you have come out as aro and poly, that is huge! And I am sorry to hear about the breakup but I am proud of you for being true to yourself and I'm sure it will be right for the both of you in the long run. You deserve kindness to yourself and these things are most definitely not your fault! Having your own needs met is so important. Coming out as aro and voicing your boundaries is not easy but it is so crucial in showing love to yourself and others, so congrats on taking that step:) Thankfully my best friend and I are in a really good place in general and I came out to her as aro and she totally understood. She even told me that she had suspected it herself because of the way I had been acting within the relationship, but wanted me to be able to come to terms with it on my own, which was very validating to hear. I wish you all the luck in your future relationships in whatever form they may be in!

Ok these are some weird ones but I am akoi or lithromantic, meaning I get crushes on people and enjoy romance in theory but the attraction fades/I am repulsed by it when it is reciprocated. I feel pretty similarly with sex/sexual attraction as well. While I'm guessing these weren't intended to be aro/ace songs, "Adore you" by Harry Styles and "Somebody Else" by the 1975 encapsulate these feelings for me. In adore you Harry says: "You don't have to say you love me, you don't have to say nothing, you don't have to say you're mine" and then later "Just let me adore you." These lyrics really capture how I feel when I have a crush, I may want to adore someone and be affectionate towards them or think about being with them, but don't want them to say they love me or that they are mine. Similarly in "Somebody Else" they say "I don't want your body but I hate to think about you with somebody else." While deep down I know I don't want romance, and rarely want sex, I still get jealous when people I have feelings for are with somebody else, and have a hard time letting go of the fantasy of being together, even if I don't want it in reality.

Hi Nyusik, I really resonated with your post, thank you for sharing. I experience romance (or lack-thereof) very similarly to you in that I can have strong crushes on people or enjoy consuming romantic media but as soon as I am in a romantic situation or feel that someone reciprocates those feelings towards me I get super uncomfortable and repulsed and the attraction fades completely. I actually tried to get into a romantic relationship with my very best friend about a year ago because I felt what I thought were a rush of romantic feelings for her, but the more she reciprocated those feelings the more uncomfortable I got, and just 3 days later I didn't feel anything anymore and had to end things. Luckily we are very close again but it caused a huge rift in our relationship and I didn't have the vocabulary to explain to her or our close friends what the hell happened. It literally felt like I was on the way to falling in love with her but I just got progressively more and more numb. After that I really started questioning whether I was aromantic and I thought back to crushes I had in the past and got the same feeling, the thought of any of them reciprocating romance made me uncomfortable, regardless of the individual. I'm not sure if you have found or heard of the label "lithromantic" but it fits this exact description. I found the label and starting looking into it about half a year ago which helped me a bit, but it's still hard. It almost feels worse to me in a way to be able to have a crush but be repulsed by romance when it's reciprocated because it feels like a taste of what I could have if I were alloromantic but I know deep down it won't work out. Its painful for sure and I haven't seen many aroaces talk about this but I feel like I've had to allow myself to go through a grieving process of realizing I may never really experience romance, which feels dramatic to say but it really has brought a lot of sadness to me. I also am proud of who I am at the same time but I'm still working towards that pride for sure. Similarly to you, I also feel like being lithromantic makes it a lot easier for me to get in my head and question whether I'm not really aromantic and if this fading attraction is due to anxiety or attachment issues (I don't have BPD or serious trauma at all so definitely a different experience there, but I can understand how you feel). While I am also just coming to terms with this myself and am still learning, my best advice to you would be to listen to your gut and to know that you are not broken. If a romantic relationship doesn't feel right to you after a certain point that is completely okay, even if it is hard and frustrating and you wish it could work out. There is nothing wrong with you at all, you are not alone, there are other people who experience this sort of fading attraction or repulsion upon reciprocation, like myself. I totally understand wanting to be "normal" as well as that's how I feel currently too, it sucks sometimes! While I have moments of pride about being aromantic and am trying to embrace that more, it is hard. I am also coming to you with my experience and you may find that yours is not the same, that opening up your relationship with your girlfriend will help, that you are polyamorous, or whatever you discover about yourself. Whether you are lithromantic or not you are completely valid and not alone!!! <3

Welcome Mar! I am also a nonbinary lesbian on the aro/ace spectrum, cool to see another person who identifies similarly:)

Hey @anzu2snow , I am also a reform Jew and was so happy to see this post! I totally agree that there is a lot of amatonormativity and heteronormativity in Jewish communities. While I haven't experienced a lot of that because my temple was pretty progressive and I grew up apart from my Jewish side of the family, there really is a trope about finding a "Nice Jewish Boy" or girl, which is both amanormative and also of course is also excluding gender non conforming Jews. I like what you said about how we are taught to question everything and I'm not sure if you relate to this but I feel like that has influenced the amount I have questioned my romantic, sexual, and gender identities throughout my life. It feels like something I was taught to do instead of just accepting the gender I was assigned with or settling in romantic relationships when I don't want them. This is not to say that Jewish communities can't still pressure you to be in romantic relationships, but I am thankful for the way Judaism has taught me to question everything and how I can apply that to my identity.

Hey y'all! Just wondering if anyone has found any aro podcasts or any podcast episodes about aromanticism, or asexuality for that matter! I find that podcasts are very comforting for me in hearing people's experiences that are similar to mine but haven't been able to find any about aromanticism

I'm so sorry about this, that sounds really hard. There is absolutely heart break in friendships and we don't talk about or validate it enough. I remember drifting away from my best friend in high school and while a very different experience it was so painful, you're not alone!

I think the biggest one for me is thinking back to all the times I felt terrible about not being in a relationship but that feeling never came from genuinely wanting one but for somehow feeling like I was "less than" because I hadn't dated anyone. I started feeling this way in early high school and only started feeling less bad about it a couple years ago (I'm now 22) but that was even before I realized I was aro, I thought it just wasn't my time yet to date. Now I realize I don't even want to! Lmao how the turn tables

@Leia Williams thank you Leia! It can be really confusing I totally relate to that. And I really understand not telling certain people or questioning whether you should even tell them. I've been thinking about that in terms of my parents because even though they were very supportive when I came out as queer I'm not sure they would even think aromanticism or asexuality is even real and they would probably need a lot of time to accept it.

Hi everyone! I am 22, nonbinary, and identified as queer/eventually a lesbian for some time and while I still identify with those labels in some ways I am thinking I am likely aromantic and possibly asexual. It is very confusing because I feel very much in a grey area in terms of sexuality and romance. I have had serious crushes on people and felt strong sexual attraction, but the idea of attraction being reciprocated, especially romantic attraction, makes me very uncomfortable and makes the attraction I felt completely fade away. I found the term "lithromantic" and I am not sure if any of you identify with that but I think it fits for me. I have questioned many times whether this feeling could be due to avoidant attachment or fear of intimacy, but I am very close and secure with friends and family so don't think that's the case. Lately I've been feeling very scared and lonely about likely being aro and have had a hard time bringing it up to talk about with friends, so if anyone relates to this or wants to talk about it I would love that :)