Early signs that you were aro

[f.-]

well, when i was younger people started developing crushes and during sleepovers we would share them and stuff, but i never had a crush ever so i sort of just picked a random guy in the class. after that everyone shipped us together all the time and it was a very uncomfortable experience for both of us because he liked someone else. as i got older i always had a burning rage for couples or something idk. i never liked romance stories, books, shows and movies. as a kid i always closed my eyes during a kissing scene but now that im more mature i dont do that anymore but it still makes me uncomfy. i dont understand how love works. i dont even understand how someone could find someone else hot or attractive? is it only me?

sorry if i made any mistakes english is not my first language <3

[Whirl]

Whenever we'd play fuck, marry, kill (or kiss, marry, kill when we were younger) I'd always think about my answers very logically and seriously. I thought about income and temperament when choosing who to marry and about how much the person I'd kill would be missed or if the world would be any better with them gone. My friends, who just wanted to know who I had a crush on, were dissapointed, but in my mind I was winning the game. 

[TheNothingFairy]

Hey! Uh, I'm still figuring it out, but I've never had a crush, I have absolutely no interest in dating, and I don't think that I have ever experienced romantic attraction ever. I also get annoyed and irritated for no reason it seems whenever characters find "their true love", it's weird. I just don't understand it.    

[Lupin-]

Ooh, I've got some. (Coming back up here to say, oh man, this got a bit out of hand, I didn't realize I had so many examples...)

I've also never had a crush, didn't get the idea of "celebrity crushes", etc. I once got asked who my first crush was and I said, after a moment of consideration, that I liked the flea off A Monster in Paris. I dunno if anyone else has ever seen that movie (if not: movie about a flea (in Paris!!) that gets turned big in some kinda accidental science experiment. It turns out the thing has great musical talent. Yeah. It's a good movie but I don't know what was going on either). I don't know why I picked it. I think my instinct was to just treat the whole situation as a joke. That flea did have some pretty dapper outfits to be fair.

Then I had some guy tell me when I was 11 that he thought I was pretty and he liked me. I was just like yeah, right, sure you do, and told him something along the lines of "dude, we're 11. What are we even gonna do if we start dating? Go to Tesco while our parents wait outside?" He cornered me in cooking class a while after that and asked me AGAIN if I'd go out with him, which I said no to, and then after that, he started being mean to me. Real charming fella.

I forced myself to have a crush on Sirius Black from Harry Potter despite knowing at the back of my mind that I just thought he was a neat character.

I stated outright to my best friend at the time (12 years old) that people couldn't have "real" crushes in primary school, because they were too young to know what love was (I assumed it was a conscious decision).

I was also the kinda person not to get why people didn't just break up. I would always be like "told you so" (mentally, not verbally, thank God) when relationships ended. Or if someone was sad, I wouldn't get it, because surely if whoever it was broke up with you then they're not the "right person" anyway. My aforementioned best friend had a rocky relationship and subsequently broke up with their online girlfriend, and then came to me afterward all miserable, saying it was all their fault, and how they felt so guilty. I was just like man, she wasn't that great of a girlfriend, who cares that she's gone? Good riddance.

Before this, Best Friend would constantly slide "X just flirted with me 😳", "I flirted back with X", "She called me cute OwO", my girlfriend this, my girlfriend that, etc. into conversations. Logically speaking, of course they'd assume they could tell their best friend about their relationships. I mean, who better? But I was just so disinterested and annoyed whenever it got brought up. I feel kinda bad now looking back on it.

OK, final thing, I swear I'm almost done: I never understood the way that people instantly changed their mannerisms and habits after getting into a relationship. This was one of the things that made me skeptical that anyone was really experiencing crushes, and not just putting it on because that's what everyone else did. For example, people I knew would get into a relationship, and where before they'd hold normal online conversations, now every chat message HAD to be followed by a heart emoji, or an "ily/ilysm". Or they would instantly set their phone background to their partner's face. I sat next to a girl in my Year 9 science class (12/13) who printed out her gf's Instagram profile picture (speaking of, why is it always Instagram???) and inserted it into a keyring on her schoolbag, which she would then continuously take out to look at. Even now I'm not sure whether that's normal crushing behavior or whether it's weird even by alloromantic standards.

[Whirl]

28 minutes ago, Lupin- said:

I once got asked who my first crush was and I said, after a moment of consideration, that I liked the flea off A Monster in Paris. I dunno if anyone else has ever seen that movie (if not: movie about a flea (in Paris!!) that gets turned big in some kinda accidental science experiment. It turns out the thing has great musical talent. Yeah. It's a good movie but I don't know what was going on either).

omg I remember that movie! For some reason our music teacher would play it to us in class (instead of, y'know, teaching music). And I agree, it's pretty good. The music is really nice

30 minutes ago, Lupin- said:

That flea did have some pretty dapper outfits to be fair.

True!! I want to have that flea's style jajaja 

[AromanticAardvark]

I used to draw pictures of my wedding when I was little (specifically, my dress and my cake). Whenever anyone asked who I was going to be married to, I always said my friends (or me)

[Karasu]

When I was in primary school, my classmates all had crushes on boys. I just didn't understand what they found so great about them, they always annoyed me. It wasn't really any different at secondary school. There was one boy every year who everyone had a crush on. For me, it was just stupid excitement for nothing. But somehow I also wanted to belong, to have a crush on someone. When a new boy came along in my last year at school, I chose him as my crush. I did my best to pine for him, just like my friends used to pine for their crushes. I really thought, wow, I finally like someone! But now, I think I was just wishing I had a crush, just to belong.

[whatistheromance]

Literally the Jaiden video aromantic story was just my life slightly out of order

[Goofylittlecoffeeaddict]

3 hours ago, whatistheromance said:

Literally the Jaiden video aromantic story was just my life slightly out of order

YESSSS

I didn't start looking into aromanticism or asexuality until I saw that video

[Debbie Fan]

I had a very nice roommate, who was also one of my best friends, got extremely sad when her boyfriend had to go to another country (more chances for his own career). One day she went back to the dorm crying, but I pretended sleeping, bc I didn't know how to comfort her. Tbh I didn't really understand why a couple must stay together to maintain their relationship. At that time I thought her boyfriend's decision was nothing wrong, cuz life is not all about romance. Actually I thought it was my roommate's fault to try to bind her boyfriend in the same place with her. But I couldn't tell her because that would definitely hurt her feelings. It was only some years later when someone else told me that people in romantic relationship had the desire for physical contact that I understood why my roommate was so sad back then  - I think that's one very obvious sign that I'm aro.

Some other signs: when I see couples cuddling on the streets I feel extremely uncomfortable and just look away - basically every time. The same for TV drama and movies - the romantic scenes makes me so annoyed. I get more annoyed when people keep on asking me about my own relationships without noticing that I get discomfort already. I remember very clearly that I got very angry when a girl in the party said to me "wish you find a boyfriend quickly too" (almost everyone in that party had a boyfriend/girlfriend except me). I knew she was just trying to be friendly, but I felt so offended and looked down upon. Why I was assumed to be anxious for not having a boyfriend? 

One last sign: I remember two roommates told me that I was "different" when talking about relationships. The first one was 2 or 3 years ago, who said "Most people are inclined to find a romantic partner, otherwise they feel lonely. Not everyone is as tough as you are when living alone." The second was just a couple of months ago, who said "Your values for relationships are so different from the tradition". 

Actually I didn't notice they were signs of being aro at those moment. But looking back now, it was so obvious that people who knew me well made it explicit into the word "different". They just fit so well with the notion of aromanticism.

 

 

[Storm369]

I thought that my friends were just being stupid when they were in relationships and had problems and didn't just break up.

One of my friends came to me for advice when we were in 7th grade and said that she wanted her first kiss to be the boyfriend she had at the time and I didn't get why she'd want to kiss another living breathing person she wasn't emotionally close to in any way, barely knew as a person and my advice was just no.

Since I was like 8, I said I didn't want a relationship because after the whole big thing where people made it official, I thought there was nothing worth being in a relationship for and all the feelings for each other just faded away.

I never had a celeb crush and thought the idea of them was stupid.

I'm not sure if this qualifies as aro, but if I saw a picture of someone and thought they were attractive, seeing it repeatedly just made me stop thinking they looked good and they just looked like people. Mostly the same irl, with the minor exception of two people.

I generally have no problem with physical touch, but if it wasn't someone I actual have a squish/crush on (depending on the day for me) or a close friend then them touching me in ways that are completely normal for a lot of people who are just friends made me want to push them away, run away screaming and vomit.

I was happier to hear that everyone was scared of me than to hear that someone had a crush on me.

 

[Neon]

I recently realized that I didn't even realize that people felt romantic attraction until 7th grade when it was mentioned in class. And even then, I don't think I accepted it until I accepted I was aro.

[Isa1116]

When I was like grade 5 a girl in my class  put me in a romantic ship with my best friend. Honestly, I was kinda mad, almost disgusted. (I promise I'm not homophobic). I was asking myself why I was bothered by being shiped with a girl (ig 10 year old me didn't notice they hated being shiped with the boys just as much lol) and I thought I was being homophobic so I didn't say anything. Then I thought maybe I felt weird because I actually liked my friend in that way and I was denying feelings! I wasn’t. I was denying being lgbt+ though. Eventually I got over it and in 7th grade I learned I was aroace. :)

[night_sky_white_clouds]

My mom is a sucker of romance and horror. I had been long since exposed to romantic movies. (perhaps not so explicit and fluffy) I always knew something was up with certain parts of the movies, like I was missing something, but dunno if I chose to not care, I completely ignored those parts till puberty. Looking back now, there's not a single incident where I had a peck of curiosity or interest regarding romantic movies in my childhood. And I never understood why my mom was so eager about my marriage since I was little either.

 

After I got into high-school, I finally heard all the gossip about my classmates getting in relationships, kissing each other etc through my close friend. It felt so weird to imagine! (It still does. I just can't imagine my classmates doing all that stuff, much less cheering for them) I used to wonder, "What do they come to school for?? I'm already exhausted with studying but they could squeeze time out of this busy curriculum for something that seems so meaningless and weird?!" Though I couldn't care less about it after. And I'm sure, if it weren't for my friend, I would have never realized anything. 

 

After entering into college, I accidentally came across BL content. (Just incase, BL means Boys' Love, basically content about homosexual 'romancsex') that was when I knew there's something called sex and it's real, not just a fictional thing created for entertainment, and there is something like attraction, which I didn't understand at all!! I remembered all the things I heard about marriage, children, love between husband and wife and started to get very anxious. All the stuff about everyone finding their "one and only" through love before marriage or after marriage made me anxious. "Should I also have to marry like my parents? Will I also fall in love.....do all that stuff? But I don't want to....." I asked my parents if they also felt attraction towards each other, if I should also be like them. They said, "You'll understand when you find the one, come to age blah blah" but I didn’t even wanna understand anything! I didn't wanna get involved in all these things, and since I didn't know why did I feel like that, I became even more anxious.

 

Fortunately, within a year after, just like in BL's case, I came across asexuality and aromantism. After reading through the basic information, I got so relieved, I laughed like a mad girl for a while. I was hyped for a week afterwards, the more I read about them, the more I felt like I'm one of those people, and there's nothing wrong with me. I don't have to force myself into any relationship if I don't want to. And I finally knew why do I react in certain ways towards romance and sex. Its been a few months since I knew about aros and aces, and allos too. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. 

 

After sorting out my state, I realized all the anxiety, rage, cringe I felt reading romantic stories, themes, love tringles etc, is just me being repulsed to it. The reason I ignored these things in childhood is because, they neither made sense to me nor could I watch them. Since these things were very foreign to me, I had a time where I was genuinely curious as to know what these things are. When I finally knew, I naturally lost interest by the time. At that time I thought this interest was because I too liked them like everyone else around me but now I know, I am literally repulsed by them most of the time. 

So yeah, this is basically my story in short. Just felt like sharing ^-^

Edited December 28, 2022 by night_sky_white_clouds

[Guest BlackCatLove]

On 5/15/2016 at 8:00 AM, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

I didn't figure this all out until I was 37, so I'd be the wrong person to ask.

 

I guess never being interested in dating would be the biggest sign. But, the lack of a feeling doesn't really smack you in the face as much as the presence of a feeling does.

This made me laugh because I am currently 37 and just now questioning whether or not I’m aromantic 😝 Maybe it’s a lucky number lol

[ContentAro]

On 1/11/2023 at 3:24 PM, Guest BlackCatLove said:

This made me laugh because I am currently 37 and just now questioning whether or not I’m aromantic 😝 Maybe it’s a lucky number lol

That was the age it finally started to sink in for me too 🙂

[Procrastinating]

When I was in 4th grade, some kid asked me what I liked in a guy. 

I didn't know what to say, I didn't even realize I was supposed to like guys yet. I definitely didn't like guys, so I didn't know what to say I liked. So I made something up, and said long arms. 

I got really made fun of for that one....

When I was a kid, someone asked me who my crush was. When I said I didn't have one, they said, "Everyone has a crush" so I picked one at random. 
I thought this is how all crushes work. You just pick them. 
It was only like last year that I realized, most people don't pick their crushes. I really thought...everyone was like that. 

[whatistheromance]

5 hours ago, Procrastinating said:

When I was in 4th grade, some kid asked me what I liked in a guy. 

I didn't know what to say, I didn't even realize I was supposed to like guys yet. I definitely didn't like guys, so I didn't know what to say I liked. So I made something up, and said long arms. 

I got really made fun of for that one....

When I was a kid, someone asked me who my crush was. When I said I didn't have one, they said, "Everyone has a crush" so I picked one at random. 
I thought this is how all crushes work. You just pick them. 
It was only like last year that I realized, most people don't pick their crushes. I really thought...everyone was like that. 

same tbh

[Themathlover]

I've already posted a lot of stuff about that where I try to summarize the best I can my thoughts about it. Honestly, I don't want to write three paragraphs concerning it again 😁. If you wish, you can go seeing where I posted about it on my profile.

To answer the question, one of the infinite early signs I was aro-spec was thinking crushes were people you craved sex with. It's only while discussing it with a friend a few months ago on WhatsApp that I discovered it was about romantic love mainly. Actually, as I said many times under other topics, romance has never been a unique thing to me. I've always conceived of romance as a sort of combination of strong friendship and sex, so, when I grew up and realized not everyone who felt romantic love wanted to have sex, it took part in my confusion and the beginning of my reflecting process about aromanticism. It turned out I'm quoiromantic, and now, everything is brighter in my mind. It helps a lot to put words on your feelings (or lack of feelings), then, you better understand situations you had lived years ago and it finally makes sense when linked with others ! 

[Lunar Nova]

me all throughout middle school (6th grade-8th grade) wondering if I was weird for not having a crush, while everyone else was dating someone, or had a crush on someone already.

[Rather be Reading]

Ranging from earliest to latest (note: some of these are more ace things) - 

-always thought it was statistically improbable that so many people find people who reciprocate their attraction.

-in 6th grade, when I heard a friend of mine had gone on a date, I did my best to defend her against what was obviously untrue slander (she would never do such a terrible thing!), and was horrified to discover it was the truth. 

-I got really annoyed once more of my friends started dating because it was making my life unnecessarily complicated

-started loathing reading about romance in books because it's all mushy and overdramatic (and surely unrealistic?)

-got my one, singular crush (the legitimacy of which is questionable) on a close friend, and despite feeling jealous of his girlfriend, was glad he didn't like me back so he wouldn't ask me out, because then I'd have to lie and tell him I didn't like him. 

-crush(?) broke up with his girlfriend and I tried (and failed) to convince him to still invite her sit with us because I missed her and didn't understand why he suddenly hated her so much. 

-thought jedi not being allowed to date was perfectly reasonable and they should just A.) not fall in love or B.) happily ignore their feelings, because as I had clearly experienced, it's not that hard.

-struggled for a very long to understand how alloaces can still fall in love, because I thought a romantic partner was just a friend you thought was hot. (still a little fuzzy on how that works, but now I get that it's because romantics feel something I don't.)

-gay friend tried to get me to talk about cute boys with him, and despite being "straight", I had no idea what counted as a cute boy. 

-a friend (the former crush, actually),  jokingly told me, after a rather personal game of truth or dare at a party, that I'm "pretty fucking asexual for a straight person".....probably should have been a hint but I didn't begin to question for another year or so. 

Edited March 10, 2023 by Rather be Reading

[alto]

well, when I thought about boys, I always thought about relationship potential in terms of how long I had known them.  I concluded, as a young teen, that my best cis-male friend (my best trans male friend was in love with someone else) would make the best boyfriend because I had known him from childhood.  I shudder to think about what that match would have been like now (he's become a bit of a jerk)

[Keith]

The most important sign that I've missed, was me being very logical while thinking about my romantic attraction. I used to think it was something that regular alloromantic people struggle with as well. I had this mindset for a very long time. I guess I've never thought that it might not be an universal experience, because I've always been logical when it came to my feelings (although I think reached a whole new level of being 'logical towards my own feelings' there... Once a friend of mine asked me 'who do you think would've been the best match for you?', and I genuinely calculated how long would my relationship with each person last).

Also I've never been drawn to the idea of romance. I mean I thought it was cute (the healthy romancy, obviously), but I think that the only reason I even cared about it, was the idea of being close with someone. Like, being able to trust someone so much, that you'd be willing to spend the rest of your life with them, or just being able to open up - to be completely honest.

(P.S. I'm so sorry if I made any grammar mistakes! I hope that I made myself understood, though!!)

[The Aro Mando Echo]

On 3/20/2023 at 1:49 PM, Keith said:

Also I've never been drawn to the idea of romance. I mean I thought it was cute (the healthy romancy, obviously), but I think that the only reason I even cared about it, was the idea of being close with someone. Like, being able to trust someone so much, that you'd be willing to spend the rest of your life with them, or just being able to open up - to be completely honest.

THIS. 

I actually had to do research and discover that apparently love is a feeling and not just someone being compatible or choosing someone else based on different factors. Like when people "can't help falling in love"?? I get so confused sometimes.. 

[Ace_of_Spades]

When I was in primary and elementary school, my parents would tell me that when I was older, I would have to have a boyfriend and get married. I insisted that this would never happen - I would stay single forever and have 50 dogs instead. While I've given up on my childhood dream to have 50 dogs, obviously the "stay single forever" still stands (at age 26).