night_sky_white_clouds

*when people think my aro-ness is the result of my depression and anxiety disorders*

- Fictional stories. I had dropped tens of novels for romance being the main plot. Whenever there was fluff, I used to feel so bored, cringy and confused...like it's one of the weirdest things I've ever known, I couldn't find the point of it's setting, just my mind repeating things like, "what is this? And what are they kissing for?". Then there were reviews, praising how good the main couple were, how good the author was at writing fluff and so on. After experiencing this type of alienation for multiple times, I thought probably I'm somehow different. - Reading about crushes and mistakening it for my swishes and squishes. Later I realized not only did I not experience any crush, I couldn't even understand what is it exactly. I still don't get romance. - My attitude towards relationship was always: I don't want it. I don't feel like I'm secretly desiring for it. I don't feel like I need it. As long as I have my besties, it's enough. I have fantasized about marrying my besties and living with them. I even want to have a male bestie....but not at all as a romantic partner. Then I realized just how many of my peers fantasize about an ideal romantic partner and get excited about it like it's their dream...this made me re-question my orientation. - Looking back at my childhood and early teens, I feel like something is off. I always ignored things about romance, typical marriage and love. 1. I didn't realize it's existence is real till I read about it in novels. 2. I didn't know it cuz I never felt it. 3. I naturally didn't understand the hype about it. 4. I am still in the process to fully digest the fact that romance is a real thing. - Knowing about aromanticism. The more I read about it, the more I felt connected.

Perhaps my perception of the World itself? I haven't been in relationships, I didn't get any confessions too and I somehow had been in an environment where I didn't get exposed to romance enough for me to notice. Probably because of this reason, my journey to self-discovery started with knowing the existence of romance, which I couldn't ever imagine, it seemed so unfamiliar and peculiar. I have to add this side to my image of humans in my mind....I'm still in the process of digesting it. I keep trying to find traces of those emotions and stimulations in myself to understand them despite knowing I can't really do that. I read romantic stories, hear my friends and others talk about it, express their feelings......everything about it feels so foreign, out of place. I have already accepted romance but when it comes to grounding myself in this reality, I'm still far from from it. I think this is the biggest difference I have, and probably many other aros too.

1. Non-human aro (An emotional one ^^) 2. Actually aromantic (yeah, of course) 3. Cups (description felt scarily accurate ) 4. Aroallo flag (yes but also no)

This is when I was in an identity crisis regarding my aro-ness. My friend recommended me a romantic story, the isekai plot felt interesting, so I picked it up. When I reached halfway through, I couldn't wait to smash my phone into pieces. But I forced myself to read for three reasons: 1. My friend might feel bad, since she doesn't really initiate these type of things most of the time 2. I wanted to know where the plot twist leads the story to and 3. I thought I could find reason for why did I want to smash my phone. The story was wholesome, ngl. No toxicity. But it felt like an eternity to complete it. I was so frustrated, anxious, bored and confused and more anxious not knowing why was I frustrated and anxious, I even cried. Later I asked my friend what did she like about the story. She said it was so cute, fluffy and wholesome, the main leads' dynamic and relationship made her crave for a similar relationship too. Then I dared to guess, probably I'm romance-repulsed? I was frustrated probably because I couldn't understand it nor could find any meaning in it? Maybe I'm genuinely an aro....? Haha, the story is such a memorable memory, I don't dare read it again.

I too feel like it. I'm sex and romance-repulsed. You can probably guess what kind of reactions I get regarding romance and sex. Sometimes I feel bad for it, they are not something to feel nauseous about, but I do, most of the times. My thoughts are also similar to my reactions. But if you ask my opinion on romance, I would say, "it is what it is. It exists for a reason, and I just am not familiar with it." A neutral or a positively inclined response. I still have some clarity. It doesn't change the facts. I'm born this way. Me being this way doesn't mean anything. As long as I have some clarity, my reactions, fears etc don't matter. I don't have to feel guilty for what I'm, not when there are so many people like me and especially when everyone is "evil" in that sense. It's good you let your guilt out through crying, but you can't just get stuck there for your lifetime, right? Understand yourself, empathize with yourself, it's the only way to make peace. And the thing about sex without love, it's not like both are bound to be in pair all the time, that's not a Universal law (what about animals?), it's our brain that thinks it is right that way, so when we have something against that idea, our brain automatically states "something is out of order here". We just have to edit the idea, it takes time but it's probably worth the result we get.

The foremost thing you need is not romance but probably some relaxation. You said all these things, you felt them, but you too know they aren't true. Don't be hard on yourself, it isn't worth anything. Try to accept your anxiety and OCD just as they are. Then get therapy. Relax, calm your mind. When your mind is calm, you can clearly feel what you feel deep down, you see yourself with more clarity. Nothing is more important than treating yourself well right now. I understand your fear and frustration but really, no one is happy and jolly, you too know it. There's nothing to hate about you relying on your friend too much. All these things are just what you think, they aren't true. ROMANCE CAN'T CURE A **** AND YOU AREN'T MISSING ANYTHING, YOU'RE JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, COMPLETE. Your mom is not right either. (to be honest, "you'll find the one some day" is of the sentences I hate the most, for just how much of an absolute bulls*** it is) It's not like all the allos in relationships are mature, infact maturity isn't about it at all, right? Right. You're anxious. Very anxious. And anxiety is no joke, it makes us believe in things that we know aren't true, perhaps sometimes we even want to surrender to anxiety and just believe in what it says and probably do so. But it's still fine, it's still not late, anxiety still can't stop you from getting out of fear and negativity, you can still treat yourself better, you can still get better, you can still become more joyful, more mature, more clear headed, more strong and more independent, without the need of a peck of romance. You want to be happy without doing something you don't want to, right? It's completely possible!! You can do it! And your post is like a journal, you can get some clarity about yourself when you read it while your mind is calm. When you are in your worst state like when you wrote this post, try to write your thoughts etc anywhere, private or public. I think reading them after you calm down will definitely help you, it personally helped me. Thanks for the post, I really mean it ^^

My mom is a sucker of romance and horror. I had been long since exposed to romantic movies. (perhaps not so explicit and fluffy) I always knew something was up with certain parts of the movies, like I was missing something, but dunno if I chose to not care, I completely ignored those parts till puberty. Looking back now, there's not a single incident where I had a peck of curiosity or interest regarding romantic movies in my childhood. And I never understood why my mom was so eager about my marriage since I was little either. After I got into high-school, I finally heard all the gossip about my classmates getting in relationships, kissing each other etc through my close friend. It felt so weird to imagine! (It still does. I just can't imagine my classmates doing all that stuff, much less cheering for them) I used to wonder, "What do they come to school for?? I'm already exhausted with studying but they could squeeze time out of this busy curriculum for something that seems so meaningless and weird?!" Though I couldn't care less about it after. And I'm sure, if it weren't for my friend, I would have never realized anything. After entering into college, I accidentally came across BL content. (Just incase, BL means Boys' Love, basically content about homosexual 'romancsex') that was when I knew there's something called sex and it's real, not just a fictional thing created for entertainment, and there is something like attraction, which I didn't understand at all!! I remembered all the things I heard about marriage, children, love between husband and wife and started to get very anxious. All the stuff about everyone finding their "one and only" through love before marriage or after marriage made me anxious. "Should I also have to marry like my parents? Will I also fall in love.....do all that stuff? But I don't want to....." I asked my parents if they also felt attraction towards each other, if I should also be like them. They said, "You'll understand when you find the one, come to age blah blah" but I didn’t even wanna understand anything! I didn't wanna get involved in all these things, and since I didn't know why did I feel like that, I became even more anxious. Fortunately, within a year after, just like in BL's case, I came across asexuality and aromantism. After reading through the basic information, I got so relieved, I laughed like a mad girl for a while. I was hyped for a week afterwards, the more I read about them, the more I felt like I'm one of those people, and there's nothing wrong with me. I don't have to force myself into any relationship if I don't want to. And I finally knew why do I react in certain ways towards romance and sex. Its been a few months since I knew about aros and aces, and allos too. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. After sorting out my state, I realized all the anxiety, rage, cringe I felt reading romantic stories, themes, love tringles etc, is just me being repulsed to it. The reason I ignored these things in childhood is because, they neither made sense to me nor could I watch them. Since these things were very foreign to me, I had a time where I was genuinely curious as to know what these things are. When I finally knew, I naturally lost interest by the time. At that time I thought this interest was because I too liked them like everyone else around me but now I know, I am literally repulsed by them most of the time. So yeah, this is basically my story in short. Just felt like sharing ^-^

I can't stress enough how much I can relate to this.

•"Does that kind of thing really exist? What if you're making this up as an excuse because you're afraid of intimacy?" (Though I have the fear, I don't feel like I'm making this up) •"It's alright, everything will be fine one day" (when I find "the one" apparently)" •"I understand what you meant by not getting attracted to anybody but you still can't be sure you'll be the same, what if you experience it one day?" (This makes me weirdly uncomfortable somehow) •"Are you planning on living alone for the rest of your life?! What's wrong with you??! You will regret this decision as you get old!!" (...whatever)

This is me questioning. Might I be an aro if I kinda understand romance but don't really understand it? I understand why people do some really impulsive things out of love, why do they act the way they do and all but in the end, it feels like I didn't really understand it but just tried to understand in an abstract way. Like how I, a teenager kinda can understand how does it feel to lose a child, despite having no such experience. I neither had any crushes nor relationships.