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Holmbo

How are you a bad aro?

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Sometimes one can feel there's one way to be in a community. Are there any ways you feel different or like "you're doing it wrong" about being aro?

(Obviously there's no such thing as a wrong aro but it could be a fun discussion)

Edited by Holmbo

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Am I doing it wrong if I get a bit weirded out by the (apparent) emphasis on "finding a QPP" in some sections of the aro community?

I just want... how do I put this... close friends who'd let me cuddle with them without any serious commitment outside of friendship? and friends in general?

(Granted, I've not been aware of my aro-ness long enough to know much about what the community is like)

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I second the QPP thing. I don't get it. I don't see any difference between how many people describe their ideal QPR and a romantic relationship, and it seems a bit like even around aros I'm still odd for lacking that desire for a committed relationship.

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3 hours ago, Rolo said:

I don't see any difference between how many people describe their ideal QPR and a romantic relationship,

It's funny, because most of the time i can't make the difference between qpr and close friendship 🤷‍♂️ (not saying that qpr is invalid of course, just not a thing i focus on ). 

But yes, i pay almost no mind to qpr because while i respect peoples feelings, qprs and it's importance to peoples, i would simply call it friendship for myself :/ I just think that yeah actually, friends *can* do that too. Personal feelings (even if i DID listen to peoples talk about it. )

Guess there is no "qpr understanding" case in my aro bingo. Which is fine, we all have different relationships !

Edited by Leton.
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I adore umbrella terms like queer and alloaro that are an identity and a community all in one! I also prefer to speak in general sentences like idk "my friend and I are fucking" rather than saying we're friends with benefits or fuckbuddies lmao. So whenever I come across a word that I personally don't find useful I don't really retain it and it's definition. I tend to miss the need for microlabels and new language being used in the aro community, which is a shame tbh bc there's a lot of nuance in that. Language is created and used for a reason. Luckily definitions can be searched up so I might be bad, but I'm not totally irredeemable ;)

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2 hours ago, Leton. said:

It's funny, because most of the time i can't make the difference between qpr and close friendship 🤷‍♂️ (not saying that qpr is invalid of course, just not a thing i focus on ). 

Yeah I get that too. When people are talking about QPRs I'm either thinking "so... you want a romantic relationship under another name" or "so you want a close friend with a fancy label". Each to their own 😄

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1 hour ago, Rolo said:

Yeah I get that too. When people are talking about QPRs I'm either thinking "so... you want a romantic relationship under another name" or "so you want a close friend with a fancy label". Each to their own 😄

As a general rule, i do not like to tell aro in qpr that they "basically have a friendship" or something", as i find it disrespectfull and i don't *have* to understand.  But there is sometime some things surrounding qpr (they have their own "amatonormativity" if it make sense) that i find relevant to say

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I don't have squishes at all.

I can enjoy romance and I even enjoy writing some romantic subplot in my stories (though for some things I feel alienated when I write because I can't relate, like this time when I had to google "how to write a kiss" because I have no idea what it feels like or why people enjoy it).

I am fat, so fall under the "not traditionally attractive enough to have a partner" to dismiss the reasons why I am aromantic.

I'm not invested in things on tumblr and where all the posts about being aro are.

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5 hours ago, Rolo said:

Yeah I get that too. When people are talking about QPRs I'm either thinking "so... you want a romantic relationship under another name" or "so you want a close friend with a fancy label". Each to their own 😄

I think the appeal of QPRs is the exclusivity of it. The whole idea of having your "special someone" to hang out and chill with. That, and I would imagine most people in QPRs wouldn't get into romantic relationships, removing the ever-present fear of losing your BFF because they pay more attention to their romantic partner. That's my theory, anyway. Personally, if I had a close friend who was aro or not interested in relationships, I wouldn't care if it was a QPR or not.

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Ooh, I love the idea of having a crush and getting together with someone, lol! It's the actual relationship part that I really don't want. I adore the butterflies in the stomach and the will-they-won't-they tension and the gossiping with other people about it part. 

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1.Not being completely romance repulsed and/or not being completely aro

2.Trauma/depression-related issues that may have caused my reciprocation-repulsion

3.Occasional sex repulsion (area in which I’m sorta questioning) (I’ve seen a lot of alloallos call aro “just ace but fancier” and like,,,no.)

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I do joke a bit about being allo aro. Or more accurately I joke about being a sleaze sometimes, play up my liking of more casual hookups.

Also I am not up for a fight for more general LGBT+ rights. Not that I won't stand up to abuse, but I don't do much to support the movement. I don't really get involved with local activist groups and (at the moment) I am not in the position to financially support any wider movements.

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As mentioned by a few other users, I'm also not interested in the idea of a QPR. I'm much more interested in having close friends. 

 

Side Note: One of my best friends also isn't interested in the idea of romantic/sexual relationships, so I don't have to worry about him "leaving me for a romantic partner"!

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I'm not very romance repulsed and I actually crave a romantic relationship really strongly. I'm not very content being aro and being without a romantic relationship as a lot of aros tend to be that I've noticed. I really admire aromantics who don't want relationships at all. It would be a lot simpler for me if I felt that way lol but I also feel slightly aliented from parts of the community because I don't share that lack of desire

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1. Having some psychotherapy ongoing on topics that could explain or reinforce aroness. At one point I had to decide that, symptomatic or not, it has been a part of me since my teens so I could identify with it.

2. Not feeling invested in aro community advocacy, while I'm honestly more active in the asexual community even though it is not my primary orientation.

3. Not being fully romance adverse in art or litterature.

 

 

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I guess one way I'm a "bad" aro is that I don't care much for respectability politics or the movement to paint aromanticism as something palatable for everyone else. Some people care a lot about what society thinks and act like it's our responsibility to counteract the idea that we are all cold and loveless, but I think that allos' prejudice is their own problem. We shouldn't have to adjust ourselves and overcompensate with cutesy nonsense just because they lack the ability to view us as humans. Even if we keep insisting that there in fact are many aros who want deep relationships, etc, that does nothing to combat amatonormativity or our dehumanization. I don't think saying that should be something that's upsetting to aros, but apparently it is.

Also, I realize that this sounded really bitter so here's a funky ghost to finish it off: 👻

Edited by Momo
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I feel like I need to apologize for starting off with the "QPRs confuse me" statement...

What I'd initially meant was more that in some of the Aro circles I've found myself in now, there seems to be this pressure that oh, I'm supposed to want to be in one and be seeking that.  (Because a lot of people in those circles seem to be obsessed with finding one, and it hits a lot of the same points that the amatonormative relationship-seeking pressure hits for me personally.) But I'm not sure that I do want that for myself, or that I ever will. commitment of any kind to a single person terrifies me, though...

I think it's great that other people have them or find them or can use that label for their situation! I love the fact that people can be however they want to be with their particular person and still say "This is not a romantic relationship" and have it be valid. Because it is. 

 

Another way I sometimes feel like a "bad aro": I'm a writer, and I don't actively impose identities on my characters, they just sort of tell me over time who they are and who they like/don't... and I have a ton of them that are deeply romantic creatures (thankfully, that are involved in healthy relationships). 

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Another way I'm a "bad aro": amatanormativity doesn't bother me, at all.

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 I'm demiromantic and I want a relationship in the future even though I've never felt really strong romantic feelings for anyone

 

 

Edited by PumpkinMouse

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- I love physical intimacy, kissing, and making out.

- I love seeing other people being romantic with each other IRL, and seeing/reading it in media (as long as it's relevant to the plot)

- Related: no issues with talking about sex.

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I don't have trouble understanding qpr, but I don't relate to the concept of squish and sometimes I feel left out when people put emphasis on it. Like if someone calls people who don't get squishes aplatonic, as if squish is the only type of platonic attraction that counts.

Edited by Holmbo
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14 hours ago, FaerySilverwings said:

Another way I sometimes feel like a "bad aro": I'm a writer, and I don't actively impose identities on my characters, they just sort of tell me over time who they are and who they like/don't... and I have a ton of them that are deeply romantic creatures (thankfully, that are involved in healthy relationships). 

Same. I have some aro or ace character but most of the time they are allo allo. They decide their own orientation, I have no power of that. I still remember how a main character decided to be bi, even if I can only picture her as homophobic and biphobic  (well at least,  she won't stay that way now, she'll learn to accept others).

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