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FaerySilverwings

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About FaerySilverwings

  • Rank
    Newbie
  • Birthday 05/26/1991

Personal Information

  • Name
    Katie
  • Orientation
    Aromantic Asexual
  • Gender
    female
  • Pronouns
    "she"
  • Location
    TN, USA
  • Occupation
    Artist/Glassblower/Writer

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  1. I've only experienced squishes a handful of times, but this is what I can answer of your questions. How did I know it was a squish and not just another friendship? > For me, it's kind of a more urgent draw to be friends with the person. I guess the feeling is best described as "This person is wonderful and it matters to me that they want to be friends with me too"? (And with this, a sensation of "if this person tried to initiate hand-holding or cuddles, I would happily accept") Did I ever feel jealous? >Not really? I get sad if said squish doesn't have time for me and hurt if they end up being closer friends with someone who's mean/aggressive towards me, but I'm not really jealous by nature. Did I want to get over it? >Um... well, back when I initially mistook these feels for crushes? YES. Because it hurt and I didn't understand why and the people in question barely even acknowledged me as existing. Once I found out that "squish" was a thing? It kind of made it okay that the feels I have don't really go away, they just diminish once the person stops being around me and then are stored in the back of my brain for reference. Granted, I have never been in a position where I told someone that I had acquired squish-feels for them, because for the longest time I assumed it was crush-feels (and I'm really romance repulsed and couldn't risk the possibility of ending up in a relationship with them)... and then because I'd rather have them as a friend that I consider special than to potentially mess things up or encourage them to acquire crush-feels for me. Another note: I sort of imprint like a duckling on people (especially teachers/professionals in my field) who validate my existence or abilities in general. Like "wait, you're being genuinely encouraging and validating and nice? I will live up to your approval if it's the last thing I do and follow you to the ends of the earth as your squire." Kind of squish-adjacent, I guess? I have no idea if any of that was helpful for you, but that's what I've figured out of my own experience.
  2. I feel like I need to apologize for starting off with the "QPRs confuse me" statement... What I'd initially meant was more that in some of the Aro circles I've found myself in now, there seems to be this pressure that oh, I'm supposed to want to be in one and be seeking that. (Because a lot of people in those circles seem to be obsessed with finding one, and it hits a lot of the same points that the amatonormative relationship-seeking pressure hits for me personally.) But I'm not sure that I do want that for myself, or that I ever will. commitment of any kind to a single person terrifies me, though... I think it's great that other people have them or find them or can use that label for their situation! I love the fact that people can be however they want to be with their particular person and still say "This is not a romantic relationship" and have it be valid. Because it is. Another way I sometimes feel like a "bad aro": I'm a writer, and I don't actively impose identities on my characters, they just sort of tell me over time who they are and who they like/don't... and I have a ton of them that are deeply romantic creatures (thankfully, that are involved in healthy relationships).
  3. Hello fellow aroace peeps! Out of curiosity, did anyone else here have trouble realizing their identity because they just... didn't get into situations where it would come into play? (For example, I was never around other people my age until I was in uni, so a lot of the "wait, I don't experience what other teenagers seem obsessed about" moments I've heard other aro and ace people describe just didn't happen to me at all.)
  4. I have a whole collection of "wait, this song has always resonated with me and now I know why" things I need to put into a playlist. This is one of the aro type ones I still really like. Any song that starts off with "I will never love you" is a strong aromantic contender for me, really.
  5. Am I doing it wrong if I get a bit weirded out by the (apparent) emphasis on "finding a QPP" in some sections of the aro community? I just want... how do I put this... close friends who'd let me cuddle with them without any serious commitment outside of friendship? and friends in general? (Granted, I've not been aware of my aro-ness long enough to know much about what the community is like)
  6. I'm 29! (... although I think this year shouldn't count, really, for any of us)
  7. I'm originally from Texas! It is a big place. I grew up on a farm in the flat mostly-empty part in the northwestern end of the state (as in "flat enough you can see thunderstorms from almost a hundred miles away"). 78 miles to the nearest actual "big city" (Lubbock, slightly more than that to Amarillo) and 15 to the nearest "town"... so pretty much the middle of nowhere? It's the part of Texas where a lot of the big ranches were back in the day, and there weren't enough people in the county for it to even be considered "rural" (In my childhood geography textbook, there was a map with all the counties color coded so you could see whether they were "urban" or "rural" or whatever... and the one I lived in was genuinely listed as "frontier". And the population has decreased considerably since I lived there...) [and yes, I do introduce myself as being "from Texas" rather than "American" most of the time. 🤠] And then I lived in the UK for the last three years, which was lovely. And now I'm back in the USA in Tennessee, which is where my mother's family was from to begin with (although I'm on the other end of the state from them at the moment)
  8. I'm 29... learned about aromanticism around the same time I finally figured out "for real" that I was asexual. Which... was last month. 🤯 (Granted, I'd first been introduced to asexuality as a concept about five years ago, but for some reason it didn't click that it was a thing and that this was genuinely who and what I was until I had to spend five months alone with my thoughts because of lockdown/quarantine.)
  9. Hello! I'm here lurking... but I'm still learning to be active in online communities. (Sort of constantly fighting with the anxiety regarding conflict and the potential to say something that's taken the wrong way and having people yell at me, if that makes any sense? Or of "I don't know what to say that would be productive or helpful, so I'll just be quiet and observe the dialogue in process")
  10. did someone say "cake"? 🤩
  11. It's really hard for me to figure out what I think of this---partially because I usually don't think of characters in terms of their sexual/romantic identities unless the plot is connected to that. If a plot has nothing to do with the character finding a mate/romantic partner/whatever, then it generally doesn't register with me who they're attracted to because I'm interested in what they're doing in the story. I'm not the sort of person who ships things, either, so unless a romance/relationship is explicitly stated or somehow alluded to, I don't really pick up on subtext aside from "gee, they have a healthy friendship and I can relate to them on that level!". (My brain doesn't default to "everyone is straight until proven otherwise", though, it seems to default to either "everyone is too busy in this story to have time for romance" or I guess... "the character's orientations only exist once they act in a way that indicates sex/romance is part of their story"? because I won't notice or think about it until one of those things happens.) If there's an implied nonspecific representation going on in a story where the character's orientations aren't crucial to the plot, to some extent I like that I can identify with a character one way and other people can identify with them in different ways. (Granted, I generally find myself resonating with the "other" or "strange" or "alien" character in the story regardless of their orientation?) I like the idea of specific representation, and I think there should be more of it! And I think that creators of mainstream media should be able to explicitly say or show those aspects of their characters without being forced to "vague represent" to avoid uproar. (There will be uproar regardless. People like yelling about things.) ... and at the same time I genuinely have a hard time understanding or relating to why people seem to be obsessed with knowing what a character's orientations are, because that doesn't register with me as being a high importance to know unless the character is doing something with/about their orientations. Now, gender identities? Ethnicities? I know I want to see more variety and representation and to have it be part of who the characters are. Those things are a much bigger aspect of a character to my eyes, and it's something that needs to be openly shown as a normal part of who they are. What I know bothers me is when the "representation" in a story boils down to "this character is x!" and that is their entire existence and personality and the only thing that's ever talked about in connection with them. It's kind of the equivalent to me of the thing in a lot of the kids media I grew up with where there was "the girl" in the group whose job was to be "a girl" and was either the "pink-loving-boy-crazy" stereotype or the "not-like-other-girls" one. I like characters that are fully developed characters; I want their orientation to be one aspect of their existence, not the whole thing. (granted, all of this is just my opinion? And I'm the sort of aroace who just... doesn't really notice or seek out information about other people's orientations in real life unless it's something that's a big part of how they present themselves to the world or it's somehow directed at me? It took me forever to figure out my own identity because I didn't know there were words for it and don't relate to the world in a sexual/romantic way at all...) I hope some of that made sense and it wasn't just me rambling...
  12. This. A big part of my "wait, I am aromantic and asexual" realization was looking back at my main characters from my first book and my outright horror at the thought of anyone thinking they needed a love interest (I mean, it's a young woman who never seemed to have romantic desires and a tomcat who are supposed to be saving the multiverse. Why would that need romance??? The girl and the cat are friends and it's part of their protecting-the-world gig that they don't have other attachments getting in the way) ... as well the characters from the world I write with my very-allo-cowriter that I've had the most influence on... who are by majority very clearly hanging out under the aro or ace umbrellas, or both (I mean, seriously, one of the species we have in that series takes a lot of characteristics from how I thought I was in high school and they're by nature demi-romantic/sexual and I didn't even know what that was at the time, and another species seems to have a majority aromantic culture?) ... and then there's the more recent thing I'm working on where my main character is obviously aroace, a lot of the secondary characters are one or the other, and I have yet another species that came out biologically asexual and doesn't have a culture that would lead to romantic stuff in the first place (and features members of that species choosing human "companions" for plot/setting reasons which I have recently figured out could be read as a sort of coworker/QPR kind of thing) My characters knew long before I did. I'm honestly a bit annoyed that they took so long to point it out to me where they were getting all of those traits.
  13. I don't think I've ever experienced anything but squishes, because the "romantic" and/or "sexual" connotations of the crush are just never there for me. Squishes, the few times I've had them, are either a mild "this person is nice and I like being around them and I hope they'll continue to allow me to be friends with them" sort of feeling or a more intense thing like this: This person is wonderful and I find them fascinating I feel valued and safe when I'm with this person I want this person to be my friend so that I can continue being around them I want to spend as much time as I possibly can with this person because I like who I am when I'm around them If this person initiated cuddles or hand-holding I would be very happy to accept I am somewhat terrified of having this person disappear from my life But there's never a sensation of "I want to be in a relationship with this person" and I've never been open with one of my squishes about how I feel about them because I'm terrified they'll see it as a romance-coded thing and that on the off chance they have some sort of more-than-just-friends feeling towards me they'd want to be "in a relationship" with me... (or, y'know, there's that whole "I is an asexual creature" thing, and my squishes thus far have been on allosexual people, so even if I could get myself to the point of being okay with "romantic-coded relationship" things... I know I wouldn't be an appropriate choice of mate for them) ah, the joys of being aroace and occasionally having alterous attractions... I really wish "friends who cuddle" was more generally acceptable, it would make my life much easier.
  14. I think this sounds like it'll be a compelling novel once you start writing it! I'd love to hear more about your actual plot, too. Defeating a nasty queen sounds like an adventure! It also strikes me that this story is more about the journey of self-discovery your character is going through than you realize. There's a difference between the plot of a story and its themes/message, after all. My first suggestion is pretty simple: yes, labels may not be a thing in your setting, but your character doesn't exist in a vacuum. When she makes those realizations, who is she around that she's realizing she's different from? Even if you're not explicitly using the labels, you can describe things she's observing in other people and how that does or does not relate to her experience. She may be coming to the understanding for herself, but why and how she comes to that understanding are an important part of her journey. Likewise, having her feel alone and invalid is going to be an important part of her story, but does the story end with her still feeling like the only person in the world who is aro, ace, or both? As far as not feeling able to include aro allo or allo ace characters to "explain and balance", my suggestion would be that you don't have to have anyone explain to her extensively, but it could be useful towards the end of the story (once she's become more aware of herself) to have her meet or hear about people who could sympathize with her experiences. To be honest, I actually really like the idea of having the note at the end of the book talking about asexuality, aromanticism, and the intersections between them. That could be incredibly empowering for a reader who finds themself deeply sympathizing with this character throughout her journey, especially if you're wanting to avoid actually labeling things in the course of the novel. (It's actually something I might have to borrow for some of my own writing, considering that so many of my characters end up either aro, ace, or both, but their stories aren't about sexuality or romance in theme or plot, so the subject doesn't really come up naturally in the text itself.) I hope some of that helps?
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