Scoop

You get cut off there haha or was that a typo?

Same! It just made good sense, monogamy has always baffled me. Polyamory and aromanticism create the same sort of freeing feeling in me. I have this book on my bedside table and have been meaning to read it for months. It looks really interesting, I've just been after fiction lately. You liked it?

I recently saw someone saying that so much of asexual advocacy is "we still feel romantic attraction" and so much of aromantic advocacy is "we still feel sexual attraction". Their point overall was that aspec advocacy needs to talk more about other types of attraction, but that's beside my point. As an alloaro, I personally feel that us saying we can still feel sexual attraction isn’t the same as aces saying we can still feel romantic attraction. This is a feeling and not something I can put into a real argument. I would say that in terms of aros there are less alloaros and in terms of aces there are more alloaces so it's unlikely they're coming from the same place. Except it's the same statement in the end, isn’t it? Are the results possibly the same too? I don't think so. I doubt anyone is going to start assuming all aros feel sexual attraction anytime soon, if ever. If anything my real question is where lmao. Where can I find this space where aros are talking significantly about sexual attraction? Bc I want in haha Anyway I was curious what others thought of the comparison and equivalence. Is it accurate? Is it something aros should be concerned about? Do you know of any decent alloaro spaces? ?

I'm really interested in the topic you've picked, I fucking love reading and shit abouts aros is even better. How long do these calls typically last? If I'm converting correctly then this one is at 10pm for me haha

I definitely do the same thing. It's fucking fun to joke around like this. My friends often say shit like we're all in a polycule, we're all married, etc. Marriage and relationships are shorthand for "this is my most important person" so I find it lovely when people say, with humour, that they can see me/us in the position. If it's even slightly real tho, then it's too much haha. I couldn’t explain the difference other than the expectation maybe? There's no expectation in a joke, just good fun. I don’t know if I do it bc I want to belong? I don’t think so. (Lmao as I'm writing this my friend just said we're dating). We say a lot of shit. Either way, it's a nice way to express yourself!

I want more bi friends and to be around more bi people. The obvious solution to that is to go somewhere more bisexual people hang out. It's not happening IRL which leaves online platforms. I've heard some okay things about Amino (??) and they have a specific bisexual app too. So I'm leaning toward that lmao seeing as I have negative feelings towards tumblr, twitter, reddit and what else is there anyway? The reason I'm rambling like this is I've never been in a space that is specifically for an identity of mine that isn't aromantic and I want to know if anyone else has! I guess I've decided I'll make it clear I'm bisexual and aro? I have no idea how that'll go down in a place that solely for one thing. I'm only in aro spaces online or IRL my friend group is a mix of identities, plus everyone is way more chill offline lmao. Anyone else hanging out in spaces for their other identities, are you out as aro there, and do you find it worthwhile?

I found this in a more recent article in May 2020: No IDing as aro in this piece when it would make sense to. I don't want to speculate on a person's sexuality and there's conflicting info here so I wouldn't confidently say he's aromantic. Here's the article. It's an interesting read, Sumney is really fucking good with words. Be warned tho you need to turn ad block off to access it and when you do you get a million ads lmao

I'm really surprised a decent amount of people said they don’t care whether aro rep is allo or not. Aroace rep and aroallo rep are often significantly different. If I take aro out of the equation for example, I relate way more to my allo friends than I do my alloace friends. Also if being aro is considering by a majority of people as inherently aroace then no matter what people feel about the situation, it straight up is erasure. The definition of aromantic doesn’t mention sexuality and yet there are dozens of aros - myself included - who have had people assume they're ace when what they said is: "I am aromantic". Saying all that tho I personally don't feel erasured by aroaces lmao. Interesting question haha. You've got me asking myself what do I feel vs what do I think.

She doesn’t ID as aro anymore according to this piece she wrote about Moses Sumney. She is great tho.

There's some examples here: My QPR. It won't answer all your questions, but definitely some of them!

I did the same thing haha. I remember reading "aromantic means you lack romantic attraction" and not connecting that to "hey you've never liked anyone ever". When I first learnt about it - I think I was also around 19 - there was so little information beyond that. Then two years later I think?? I read some story with an aro character explaining what aromantic meant and was like as an experience and suddenly I could relate. For those two years I was IDing as panromantic. For the classic reason lots of aros do lol "I feel the same way about everyone therefore it's all and not nothing". There’s just no room in any narratives for no attraction or no romance. It would have been nice to know sooner bc panromantic is such an inaccurate description of me. I would have known myself and what I wanted out of life sooner.

AUREA has pamphlets that you might find useful and Officially Divinity on YouTube has a great video called What is Aromantic? Good luck!

Have you heard of the Aromantic and Asexual Characters Database? It tells you who a person is and how much screen time they get so you know what you're signing up for. My personal rec would be the Dead Nation series. The aro(ace) character is the rival turned eventual friend in the first book and in the second she gets the share POV. It’s such a good fucking story, I can't recommend it enough. There’s also The Last 8 which I JUST found out has a sequel while looking for a link for you omg. The MC is bisexual and aro. Another fantasy setting. I should say lots of people die in all of these books I'm recommending you and they have heavy themes and questionable morals at times. I like that kind of thing haha. The Murderbot Diaries has 6 books in its series and is all about saving people and coming together. It's beautiful and fucking funny. The MC is aro and ace and romance is only mentioned in passing the whole series. Idk if you care about this sort of thing but none of the characters say they are aromantic in the text. They all say "romance isn’t for me" in various ways, multiple times, and act like it. Which I appreciate. There are probably more and I hope other people add to this list. The character database is v cool but it’s a lot of text I struggle to compute and nothing beats a personal review.

100%. The problems being aro removes me from vastly outweigh any problems being aro causes me imo. Plus I like being alone lmao, I like being solely in charge of agency and not having to confer with anyone to make decisions.

This is a cool idea! Especially the bit about pre-agreed upon topics. I'd love to talk about aro books with other aros! The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project (TAAAP) is currently doing something similar with their Pride Chats - a bit more formally though I think. What you have in mind sounds chill. They'd probably be good people to get in contact with if you have any questions about arranging this kind of thing.

Your anecdotes read like a lot of "I like romance and affection" and "eh romance probably isn't for me" and they can both be true at the same time. Being aromantic means to not feel romantic attraction at all, much, rarely, unpredictably, just - differently than is the norm. If that's true for you and the label is useful, then you're aromantic. In terms of comparing yourself, a lot of what you said resonated with me. Romance in fiction is cool, I'm good at putting myself in other people's shoes so relationship emotions make sense, physical affection is nice af, romance doesn't exist until someone else brings it up, and since its not a thing then I have no strong feelings about it one way or another. I can't say I've ever thought about what kind of impressions aromantics give off and it's interesting that this is what you've found! This is a really great place to talk to aros about your experiences (and other cool shit too) so I'd say you're in the right place haha

I need to know romance is coming and then they have to meet my expectations. If I'm picking up a sci-fi novel say and there's going to be romance in it then it has to be secondary to the plot. The story can't divert off into a romance, that's not what I signed up for. If I'm reading a romance novel however then the characters have to be well written and just generally respect each other. They do have to do something different though, something new. We've all seen the same romance a fucking thousand times. If I'm reading a romance then you really have to work to keep my interest. I guess plot is my priority when it comes to books and to romance haha

I can't comment on Tapas so here will do. I really fucking love the use of colour in the first episode, I would have thought greyscale would be kind of distant, but the scene feels really warm. The shape of your characters are so appealing, v nice to look at. Baz's cats are the best thing about the comic, hands down. I am curious about what kind of world they live in if the cats can be taken out and about and into places of work haha - and how do I get there btw??? Bruise is my favourite episode so far. The relatability, the dramatic faces at the end, the way you wrote the dialogue (both the word choices and the placement of the words) gives the scene a lot of movement. Do you have a consistent update schedule? Otherwise I'll just check in at random probably.

This is a great piece of writing that I recommend everyone read: https://asexualagenda.wordpress.com/2020/09/24/the-allo-aro-intersection-matters/. It's very interesting and offers a perspective on the past, present, and future of a-spec relations. There's some history in there too that does offer an answer and back up what some of you have been saying, specifically here:

I wrote a big long paragraph about people confusing asexuality and aromanticism, but ykno what I'm tired of talking about asexuality lol so I'll focus on the lighter part of this discussion: Lmao @Queasy_Attention that's so fucking funny. When they say "why tf did you buy me aro merch??" I'll say "oh umm right hmmm, to remind you of me ??"

Lol I'm not done! It's always a point of pride? Or celebration, or a goddamn compliment too y'know? They're saying: "We're asexual! That's so fucking cool!" and I have to be like "no, we aren't asexual. I'm aromantic!" Siri, why do my asexual friends believe that aromanticism is a subset of asexuality when my queer allo friends who only interact with aro and ace identities through our friend group understand the distinction and separation?

I would like to personally challenge my non-aro ace friends to stop thinking that I, a non-ace aro, am like them and share their interests. I don't understand, they know I'm not ace?? And you'd think bc of their orientations they'd know that aro and ace aren't the same thing and yet?? No, I will write sex in my fiction thank you very much. No, strangely when I was brainstorming what word to put on the back of my jean jacket "ACE" didn't make the list. No, the ace pin you bought me isn't a good gift and no matter how embarrassed you are rn blurting "its close enough" doesn't work in your defence. Like?? I get that they want to share shit and relate to me, we're friends. And I get that despite being able to feel romantic attraction none of them are really all that involved in romance atm so I guess they conflate the two in their minds, but also, why do I have to go through this. Think for a second? Stop including me in your ace shit? Its funny, but you never include anyone else in the group who isn't ace in these ace-centric thoughts. Fuck the look on their faces every time, they catch themselves before I've even said anything and realise the mistake they've made. Yeah, you forgot my identity again. Nice job. This post sounds so bitter and that's bc its a rant lmao, my friends are great otherwise. It is ironic tho that all my queer allo friends are better with my aro identity than my ace friends.

I adore umbrella terms like queer and alloaro that are an identity and a community all in one! I also prefer to speak in general sentences like idk "my friend and I are fucking" rather than saying we're friends with benefits or fuckbuddies lmao. So whenever I come across a word that I personally don't find useful I don't really retain it and it's definition. I tend to miss the need for microlabels and new language being used in the aro community, which is a shame tbh bc there's a lot of nuance in that. Language is created and used for a reason. Luckily definitions can be searched up so I might be bad, but I'm not totally irredeemable

I'm curious about your intro there. I assume a topic you'll be covering is alienation and the like. Having your aroace character as non-human explicitly states the disconnect without words. Do you plan on showing an equivalent disconnect to humanity for your aroallo character? You've also mentioned that the aroallo character is outgoing, likely to partner, and well liked in comparison to your aroace character. I'm getting a slight implication that the aroallo character is ""better"" at being human and therefore, based on your description, arguably better at navigating how romance is an intrinsic part of the world [EDIT: and less effected by this problem than aroaces.] Would you agree that's how this is shaping up? You haven’t given too much information so I could be reading something that isn’t there. Particularly when you've said little about your aroace chararcter and with your aroallo character that they're bad at reading people and social cues. I would say it's difficult to find depth in relationships as an aroallo person. Most of your friends are likely looking for romance which means you aren’t their priority. Sexual relationships, if you can find them at all, are either shallow and physical alone or, as it's been said above, the step before your graduate into the more desirable romantic relationship. And how do your create a family if you don't have a partner to then have kids with? Etc. The idea that your aroallo character is well liked but not well known would be a cool thing to explore. I like your enthusiasm and premise so far! Plus androids are always a win. And getting people involved now is a great way to advertise smart thinking haha.

That sounds like a really spooky world and a cool as main character. I bet those airships are talked about lovingly and I'd read it just for that alone! I wanted to talk a bit more about this: I feel the same way. When I first meet someone I know whether I'm attracted to them or not right off the bat, then as I get to know them my attraction will either grow or fade depending on whether I like them as a person. It's like their personality either enhances the attraction or kills it lol. This probably isn't a uniquely alloaro feeling, I would assume alloromantic people are more likely to overlook flaws/incompatibilities bc of amatonormativity whereas we don't believe in those same stakes. In terms of how I experience attraction to different genders I find that for women and nonbinary people it's more of a flat feeling of yes or no when I see them whereas for men I will have that feeling and find myself thinking like 'he's hot' or 'i like the shape of him'. What I think this means is that I'm much more comfortable/experienced when I comes to conceptualising my attraction to men, which isn't surprising with this heteronormative world. Its only later once I get to know women and nonbinary people that I find my attraction takes form in words and sentences. That isn't too say I couldn't string a sentence together for women and nb people in the beginning, I'd just have to think about it unlike for men where its comes easily. I also find that being aro and queer means a lot of lies of omission. I cannot say I'm attracted to a man without (straight) people assuming I want to date him and I then need to explain why I don't want to date him and potentially also why I don't date in general. So I don't say I'm attracted to the man/any men. And in my experience as a woman not talking about men makes people assume you're a lesbian and people like to drop comments, usually teasing ones sure, but they also put me on the spot. Every time that's happened I find myself thinking not "should I come out?" but "/how/ should I come out?" And I freeze. I'm not telling straight people I'm aro, I'm not interested in becoming a teacher or a lesson or a debate. I could tell them I'm bi, but I don't ID as bi so that feels wrong to say. I could rightfully tell them I'm queer but unfortunately, straight people tend to hear queer and think gay. So I don't come out and I don't talk about being attracted to people and its an imperfect solution. I do wish I could talk more freely about my attraction to people but I'd have to jump through so many hoops first and have the same conversations so many times, I'm just not sure it's worth it for whatever boring response straight people would come up with. There's another conversation here about the majority of my friends being lesbians and/or asexuals and how I feel like I'm imposing on them when I talk about being sexually attracted to men, but that disinterest is much easier to swallow than anything straight people would throw at me. I am thinking about it now actually and its all cool and good for them to talk about men being in love with men from media. Is the difference there that the men are abstract as in fictional, only interested in other men, and/or distanced and I'm their queer "just like them" friend suddenly talking about sex with men? Hmmm. Also for me I found when I was younger if I was attracted to a person and realised I didn't want to date them then I assumed I wasn't actually attracted to them at all. Because romance and sex are the same you know! *sigh* It's so easy to doubt your attraction.