Queasy_Attention

I fluctuate how I feel about romance, both in real life and in media. Sometimes I like rereading my favorite romance novels and looking up fanfiction for some queerbaited couple in the latest TV show. Sometimes I think about doing stereotypically romantic things for my friends or people I think are attractive. And sometimes I can't stand reading about couples, or seeing people hold hands and kiss, or thinking about doing any of that for myself. Sometimes it's even a mix of both. The consistent through-line is that I don't want a traditional romantic relationship, and I never have, no matter how much I told myself I did.

My first aro HC (though I wasn't super aware of it at the time) was Merlin from Kingsman! I shipped Hartwin really badly and loved having Merlin as their best friend who was also aro. He was the shoulder to cry on, and the comforting mattress with no springs attached (ayyyyyy geddit). Aro Merlin will always have a place in my heart.

@Whistle Thank you for the extremely detailed reply, it was a wonderful read! The bit about having something that feels stronger than most other friendships rings pretty true for me. I've experienced this several times by now. I feel platonic attraction very intensely-- I have a slightly abnormal perspective and reaction to making friends; it's always been really hard for me to connect with other people because as a young kid I didn't know how to identify or control my mental struggles, so even now as an adult I'm very intimidated by others and finding friends is a challenge-- which means when I do find friends I get very excited and nervous. That manifests itself in very romantic-crush-stereotypical impulses and behaviors, which makes it kind of a challenge to figure out whether or not I actually feel romantic attraction at the time. But I do feel that Close and Important feeling with a few select friends that I don't feel with others. I've been struggling with how to define it, because when I look at it objectively it seems like a combination of strong platonic and strong physical attraction-- and then in real-time it feels like something else that I just don't feel around other people. It's definitely not the desire for a romantic relationship in any capacity, though, and I can at least be confident about that. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I might just not know what it is and that's fine-- it's still just a little frustrating and confusing to feel these conflicting things, like having indescribable feelings around someone and also a strong averse reaction to the idea of an actual relationship with them (or anyone, for that matter.) Your last paragraph really hit, and that's the headspace I aspire to find. I want to make peace with myself and find a balance between the things I know for sure and the things I might never know. Thank you again for your response!! @JustVibin' Ooh this sounds like what I went through when I was figuring out I was bi. It was exactly what you're describing, building up evidence and checking in with myself to see if the label still seemed like the right one. After about a year of it still fitting I decided to keep it and now that's what I tell people I am. I wanted to use that same process for my aromantic identity, but it's a little harder. The evidence itself is a little more nebulous and undefined than straight-up sexuality. Romantic attraction is so hard to describe, which makes it really hard to figure out if you don't feel it (or if you're grey or some other label that boils down to "well yes, but actually no".) I think it still works, it's just taking a lot more effort to dig through the details than my sexuality did. Thank you for your reply! @nonmerci Thank you for the response! I had a slightly different experience; I never wanted a wedding and I figured out pretty quickly that the traditional romantic ideals that most others subscribe to weren't really for me. That's been pretty consistent, and I'm really confident that I don't want a relationship and more than likely never have-- and to that extent, finding the aro community has been really cool and helpful because I don't know many other people in real life who share my aversion to relationships. It's been wonderful to see others who also throw out the societal norms surrounding relationships-- even within the queer community, celebrating LGBT relationships, it's mostly about relationships. I can't always relate to that. But here, I can relate to a lot more people who share the same impulses and experiences that I do! I just struggle with wondering if I feel romantic attraction or not. I don't believe I do-- though there are times when I feel something for people that I don't always know how to define. I'm pretty sure it's platonic and physical attraction- but in the moment it feels like I have a real honest-to-god crush. You hit the nail on the head with the last bit- I do feel that fear. I'm also kind of ashamed of it. I don't want to look down on anyone for finding a label (however hyper-specific) if it makes them feel more comfortable with themselves, or helps them find a community of like-minded people. I also don't want to label myself that specifically. Those two facts butt heads a little.

After years of experience I can now ride the bi-cycle ("I'm definitely bi", "wait no maybe I'm totally gay", "wait no actually am I just straight and pretending?", "shit no definitely still bi", etc etc) with ease. But I think I need training wheels for the aro equivalent, jeez. I'm falling off and scraping my knees over here. Being an aroallo with a nice side of mental illness makes for a rough learning curve... I keep questioning my feelings and wondering if I'm just convincing myself I'm aro because I think it sounds cool or I want another identity-- because I do experience a lot of emotions and impulses that could easily be mistaken for romantic attraction. The good news is that if I take the time to meditate on it and figure out how I feel and what I really want, I come up with the same answers: I feel very strong physical and platonic attraction for people, and those both manifest in certain ways because of my past experiences and relationships-- and no, I don't want a romantic relationship. The bad news is that I have to meditate on it every time it comes up (at least for now-- it's only been about three months since I seriously investigated the possibility I was aromantic.) I want to trust myself, I want to be able to just trust that whatever I feel is some combination of emotions and attractions that have nothing to do with romantic intent, but I'm not yet in the place to do that. I still have to investigate and analyze all my feelings to stop from second guessing myself and worrying that I'm lying to myself, etc etc etc. I guess this is kind of just a vent, but I'm curious to hear stories from people who have been confident with their identities for a long time, particularly people my age (23) or older. What's it like to know you're aro and have that as a consistent through-line in your life? Did you go through long periods of doubt? Do you still doubt yourself? How do you work through that?

Aaaah hi! I relate to so much of this stuff! I'm 23 and just figured some things out two months ago, I think I'm still in the "calling myself grey aro for safety" phase lol! Nice to meet you, glad to hear you're in a better place now

What's up!!! Nice to meetcha! I feel you hard on the "figuring out my mental health stuff made me fine with not being in a relationship" thing

I wish there was a forum for exclusively adult users? I'm all for inclusivity and making safe spaces for minors or people who are just uncomfortable with NSFW content-- and I also wish there was a place to post about whatever, without worrying about upsetting an underage audience. Maybe a room with a blanket warning that whatever people post or talk about in that room might be NSFW/potentially upsetting/generally adult content? An aroallo forum within that where users can reference NSFW topics?

I'm bi and super open about it, which contrasts a lot with how I feel about my aroallo identity. It feels less like an orientation and more like a specific label that applies to a strong part of my personality that I'm only now beginning to understand-- not to say that's a universal truth for everyone, that's just how it feels personally! I don't feel the desire to openly tell people about my personal view on relationships and romantic attraction. I'm honestly dealing with this right now. I have a tentative thing going on with a girl at my work. We've both agreed that we weren't in a good place for an actual relationship right now (when we did, I hadn't yet realized I was aro), but we're still open to a physical relationship (in theory-- thanks, covid) and we flirt a lot at work. So, naturally, my other coworkers tease me about it. I'm fine with that-- but one of them, though he's super sweet, keeps asking me what the deal is with us. I told him we're not in a relationship and not going to be, and he asked me why. I ended up just telling him "I don't want to," which worked pretty well. In terms of outside people who aren't in any sort of close relationship with me, no, I don't think I'd come out to them unprompted, maybe even if they asked me about it. However, I'm thinking about telling the girl from my work-- because if she has feelings for me, then it wouldn't be fair to enter into any kind of relationship without being honest with her about how I feel. I think it's just a case-by-case basis.

Hey I'm super new to this party but honestly-- I've toiled and hemmed and hawwed over what romantic attraction is supposed to be, since literally no one can give me a solid definition (as opposed to sexual attraction, which is pretty easily described and physically experienced) but, like, honestly? This is a pretty solid definition. I've felt a lot of things for people, and they've been really confusing feelings because they fit the standards for romantic attraction. I like people a lot, I tend to worship people if I think they're cool, I get nervous around people I like, I find people attractive and get giggly when I do, I give people I like gifts, I go out of my way to spend time with them or help them out, and I spend time alone thinking about them if I like them or think they're attractive-- And none of those feelings or impulses are the result or or result in a desire for a romantic relationship with someone. That's the bottom line, and that's helped me out a lot when trying to figure out my identity. I'm sorry, I know this is more of a personal comment than a constructive one in terms of pinning down a definition like the rest of yall, but I just wanted to chip in my two cents.

YMBAI you grew up thinking that romantic attraction was just platonic attraction + sexual attraction, not a unique type of attraction on its own.

I used to (and still) write aro characters without realizing it. I write fanfic, and I have a habit of playing characters as aro-- so they were actively repulsed by romance or PDA. They still cared about their friends, and often times they'd still be invested in the main characters' relationships, even though they found it kinda gross. Didn't realize that was just me, writing a self-insert with every other character. *shrug emoji* I think it's really interesting how aromanticism can manifest in different people's experiences with their media. Like, even though I like writing characters that are romance-phobic to the point of comedy, I'm super into shipping and relationships when I'm into them (sometimes relationships in media really rub me the wrong way, but if they're done right I get pretty invested). But like Quinoa above me, some people are just like "nope!"

I'd totally write an essay! Purple prose here we coooooommmme Would you rather always have to wear shirts two sizes too small, or pants three sizes too big?

Thanks!! I mean, I'll take ice cream any day any time. And hey, you can totally bake ice cream. Glad to be here!

Hi all! I'm Queasy 🌈 I'm a bi aroallo! I'm 23, and I like peach vodka, baking, and sordid fanfic. She/her/they/whatevs I'll try to squish my identity journey down to a couple paragraphs-- I've known I was bi since I was about 15. When I was maybe 18 or so, I realized I liked writing characters who were aro, though I didn't know that "aromantic" was a word. The concept of someone being really averse to traditional romance while still maintaining close friends and being sexually active without guilt really struck something in me, but I wasn't yet in a place to investigate that part of myself. I went through two big relationships, one when I was 20, one when I was 21/22. Both ended pretty badly. I found a good therapist, figured out my mental health stuff (that's putting it pretty simply lol) and now here I am, one year later! I re-investigated myself, found r/aromantic on reddit, and two months later found a new identity. I experience really strong platonic attraction (for various childhood-memory reasons), and when it's put together with physical attraction, it feels very intense! I get "crushes" on people often: sometimes it's just platonic, sometimes it's just physical, and sometimes it's both! It was really freeing to be able to identify what that feeling actually was, and also identify the lack of any actual romantic attraction or interest in a romantic relationship. I don't know if I'd want a lifelong QPR, but I do fantasize about having a really good friend who'd be ~open~ to things with no strings or expectations. I swing back and forth with liking romance in my media. On one hand, I get super into cheesy romance novels, both good and bad. Pride & Prejudice stands on the same shelf as Kidnapped by the Pirate, and both give me equal joy. I devour fanfiction, both sap and trash. On the other hand, sometimes TV/movie/book relationships rub me completely the wrong way. Still not sure why I vibe with some but not others, but that'll just be another part of my journey! (The most important part, obviously.) Anyway hi all! Talk to me about movie soundtracks, good baking recipes, your favorite/least favorite literary trope, or your favorite dating sim! (Don't judge, I like 'em.)