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Romantic Attraction

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1 hour ago, aussiekirkland said:

I had a quick read and it was the most foreign thing I'd ever read. I am definitely very aromantic! Haha :aropride:

Yeah xD To be fair, I don't think any single allo would be familar with or experience all the things on that list either.

 

EDIT: To be clear I mean 'one' not 'not in a relationship'

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3 hours ago, aussiekirkland said:

That's a great term if the people in the relationship choose to define it as platoniromantic (I can certainly see the appeal). 

 

What I was referring to was when someone gets into a relationship with someone they're not attracted to (often out of guilt, but in this context from being a confused aromantic) wouldn't it still be romantic for the people in it?

 

If it weren't romantic simply because /both/ parties weren't romantically attracted to each other then why would so many aros experience romance repulsion from this sort of unrequited relationship?

 

In the end this is just another example of language we use in the aromantic community which is super vague and undefinable :P

In that case, yes. If I'd dated a guy in the past because of compulsory heterosexuality and mistaking platonic attraction for romantic, and he was romantically attracted to me, that would be a romantic relationship because we would both consider it romantic and we would both believe we had romantic feelings for one another.

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9 hours ago, aussiekirkland said:

I had a quick read and it was the most foreign thing I'd ever read. I am definitely very aromantic! Haha :aropride:

Same here. But then I actually stopped the test halfway through because I was getting tired of writing too many 'No's on every question.O.o 

So I may or may not have scored more than 10, but I'm pretty sure it's lower than 20. 9_9

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I took the test based on my last intimate partnership and recorded my "yes" answers as "/" and my "no" answers as "\".

My results:

 

 


A. Romantic love arises from pre-existing yearnings.
(4) // \ //
B. Romantic love begins suddenly, creating instant intimacy.
(2) \ / \ / \\\
C. Romantic love is blind.
(1) / \\
D. Romantic love is often one-sided; it loves from afar.
(2) / \\\ /
E. Romantic love watches for small signs of reciprocation.
(2) / \\ / \
F. Romantic love is often uncertain and fearful of rejection; it is exclusive, possessive, and jealous.
(5) \\\\ / \\ / \ ///
G. Romantic love is a fantasy-trip, a prefabricated emotion projected onto others.
(9) //// \ ///// \\
H. Romance creates an illusion of oneness.
(0) \\\
I. Romantic love depends on imagination.
(5) / \ /// \ / \
J. Romance is being in love with love - attempting to actualize a feeling learned from others.
(5) // \ ///
K. Romantic love sometimes depends on manipulation.
(0) \\\\\
L. Romantic love is like watching a movie.
(3) \ / \ // \\
M. Romantic love is an ecstatic feeling.
(11) /// \ /// \ /// \ / \\ / \\
N. Romantic love is an altered state of consciousness.
(4) / \\ / \ //
O. Romantic love sees the beloved as perfect.
(4) / \ ///
P. Romantic love causes violent mood-swings.
(0) \\\\\\
Q. Romantic love causes preoccupation and distraction.
(5) /////
R. Romantic love causes intrusive thinking.
(2) \\\ //
S. Romantic love causes compulsive, neurotic, dependent thoughts and feelings.
(2) \ / \\\ / \\
T. Romantic love is an overwhelming experience.
(7) // \\ // \ / \ //
U. Romantic love is the most important thing in life.
(2) \\ / \\ /
V. Romantic love includes suffering.
(0) \\\\\\\\
W. Near its end, romantic love clings to any shred of hope.
(4) / \ // \ / \
X. Romantic Love is temporary—lasting 18 months to 3 years.
(2) / \ / \
Y. When romantic love is over, it sometimes becomes hatred.
(1) \\\ / \
Z. Romantic love resists analysis.
(0) \\\\\\\

Total: (82)   —You are recovering from being 'in love'
                                       or you were immune to this disease.

 

 

I get the feeling that I'm probably alloromantic, I'm just not as obsessed over it as many other people are.

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On 2016. 06. 07. at 4:29 PM, aussiekirkland said:

I had a quick read and it was the most foreign thing I'd ever read. I am definitely very aromantic! Haha :aropride:

I agree, its strange.

 

I got five on it. (Past experiences included.):D:aropride:

Spoiler

"39. Do I sometimes try to create feelings of love?

  Do I want to believe that my feelings are "true love"?" (Oh yes, I did attempt faking crushes. Welcome to amatonormativity hell.)

 

"59. Does romantic love sometimes seem to be an artificial feeling?" (Well, no offence, but sometimes it does sound like the majority of the population is on drugs or something)

 

"75. Am I trying to reproduce a feeling of love that others have had?" (I guess I did? I mean I tried to create those feelings based on the descriptions of romantic love in the media)

 

"167. Do my love affairs last about two years or less?" (Well if you mean relationships by that, then yes it did. A lot less. We are talking months)

 

"178. When I question whether I am really in love,
         do my doubts threaten my emotional well-being?"
(Internalized hate, anyone? Even the possibility that I have never felt anything such, and the realization that I am repulsed by certain romantic gestures terrified me. It took me years to actually examine my feelings, and accept my identity.)

 

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34 minutes ago, Cassiopeia said:

I agree, its strange.

 

I found the first question seemed sensible then it rapidly headed off into the "Twilight Zone".
With some serious WTF moments.

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On 4/25/2016 at 6:36 PM, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

James Park, an existential philosopher and author, attempted to define romantic attraction/love in a small book breaking it down into 26 points. The online version may be found here.

 

I'm going to co-sign this as a good way to measure romantic attraction (although it seems rather... harsh on romantics): my QPR scored me just 15 despite it being a relationship that a lot of people might see as romantic. :D

 

I sent this to some friends (aro, aro-spec, and allo) and this is what I got:

Romantics: 89, 83, 100

Aro-spectrum: 76, 84, 11

Aromantic (just me :P): 15

 

To add the people on this thread who took it-

Aro-spectrum: 90-95, 82

Aromantic: 8, 0-20, 5

 

So it's definitely measuring something--everyone who took it so far has either gotten over 70 or less than 20, which is a pretty huge divide!

(Interestingly, my aro-spec but mostly-allo qpp got the 11--possibly why our QPR has been so successful despite it being an aro/allo relationship?)

 

I'd be curious in seeing more scores, so if anyone else here is willing to take the test, please do, and post your score please :)

 

----------

 

Current totals (updated as I get more info!)-

Romantics: 89, 83, 100

Aro-spectrum: 76, 84, 11, 75, 82, 82, 12

Aromantic: 15, 8, 0-20, 5, 35, 3, 8, 5

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8 hours ago, Jade said:

I'm going to co-sign this as a good way to measure romantic attraction (although it seems rather... harsh on romantics): my QPR scored me just 15 despite it being a relationship that a lot of people might see as romantic. :D

 

I sent this to some friends (aro, aro-spec, and allo) and this is what I got:

Romantics: 89, 83, 100

Aro-spectrum: 76, 84, 11

Aromantic (just me :P): 15

 

To add the people on this thread who took it-

Aro-spectrum: 90-95, 82

Aromantic: 8, 0-20, 5

 

So it's definitely measuring something--everyone who took it so far has either gotten over 70 or less than 20, which is a pretty huge divide!

(Interestingly, my aro-spec but mostly-allo qpp got the 11--possibly why our QPR has been so successful despite it being an aro/allo relationship?)

 

I'd be curious in seeing more scores, so if anyone else here is willing to take the test, please do, and post your score please :)

I just did the test properly, using the strongest squish I've had (and that I mistook for romantic love). It was really difficult to try and remember how I felt since it was five or so years ago but I got 35, give or take a few, so it definitely wasn't romantic but it was significantly higher than I'd get for any other squish so it was probably accurate. For others I'd probably get around 10 haha

 

Honestly that whole test made me feel sort of repulsed and I'm conflicted over whether I want to do the test for every squish I've had and analyse the results or never touch it again haha

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82. 

Some of the statements in that test really scared me. It sounds like a psychosis, and everything I dislike about romance, much more than the things I actually like about it.

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I got an 8.....

This is seriously scary. If I didn't consider it something natural, I'd say that sounds like addiction and withdrawal symptoms... 

Is this srsly how love feels? This is frightful.

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As I see it, when two people are in reciprocated 'love', their psychoses cancel each other :P much like in a skill game where my blunders aren't punished by an opponent who is similarly weak.

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Yes but, points like these:

 

25. Do I become more obsessive, the less response I get?
170. Once my passion for _____ has passed,
         do I feel an irrational urge to inflict pain, hurt, and harm on him/her?

156. Have I sometimes threatened to kill someone else
         if I did not get my romantic dream?

 

Are legit scary, no matter the cancellation effect, since they involve outsiders and not-interested parties...I guess those are extremes, but they are still creepy. 

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Yes, they're extremes, and those who're sane enough don't score the full 150 points. A pathology is suspected only if the score is >=120.

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True, but every item on the list scores you one point. You could, theoretically, hit all the creep-tastic ones without being 120 or more. As far as psychological test's go, this one is not all that great because it makes little to no distinctions. It measures something alright, but it still has a long way to go. 

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4 minutes ago, Kojote said:

You could, theoretically, hit all the creep-tastic ones without being 120 or more.

 

I'd then most likely hit a lot of non-creepy items as well (those that are the milder versions of the creepy ones that I'd hit).

 

Online tests aren't designed to be 100% accurate anyway (nothing replaces visiting a psychotherapist in person). Several percents of false positives and false negatives are fine for them.

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Sure, but you could still be in the healthy zone. Under this test you can be pathological and still not score over 120. Liking kittens and being a stalker don't cancel out after all xD

All psychological tests hide more than one trait in a test scale, because behavior or feelings are not one-dimensional (as represented in all those questions and groups). They even include false positives  or "liar" detection questions to determine the truthfulness of the person, answering the questions. Some items get more "points" than others and items are usually tested to see if they really measure, what they are supposed to. Which happens way less than one might think, actually xD 

 

Long blabla short: This test measures something, but it still has a long way to go. =) (also still creppy - not love in general, just some of the items make the hair of my neck stand up xD)

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On 6/7/2016 at 10:10 AM, aroMa(n)tisse said:

I don't think that having experienced limerence makes one (grey-)romantic; conscious longing to have such an experience once again (or continue it with the current 'loved one') is necessary to make such a conclusion, imho.

 

In short, a romantic is someone who would like to be 'in love' (limerent), an aro is someone who would hate it.

 

I like you a lot more now, because if true I'd be back to being aro :aropride:. :) But, I stand firm in my stance that aromantics have never even felt a crush or limerence. (I'm going to go take the test now. I skimmed it before but never got a score)

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5 minutes ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

But, I stand firm in my stance that aromantics have never even felt a crush or limerence.

 

From personal experience, same. Not feeling a desire for romance (voluntary or innate) doesn't prevent from having crushes or falling in love. If it did, a lot of persons here would need to switch their identification to fully aromantic (and me among them). I think it's more an indicator of being some kind of grey, or at the very least not very romantic for people who still easily have crushes.

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I got a 12 on the "quiz". However, I feel that a lot of questions are an automatic no if someone has never been in a romantic relationship. That being said, I never really felt any of that in the one I was in.

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@Blue Phoenix Ace Imo, being 'naturally aro' is like being cissexual and being 'functionally aro' (the type of an aro that I described in the post that you quoted) is like being transsexual (post-op). I.e. the difference in appearance and behavior is unnoticeable and it doesn't matter much how one has got the body that one currently has.

 

Speaking of the quiz, I'll need to redo it because I was being too self-loathing when I was filling it out and attributing some psychoses to myself that I had probably never had.

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23 minutes ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

However, I feel that a lot of questions are an automatic no if someone has never been in a romantic relationship.

 

I think people who have never been there are supposed to emulate a hypothetical romantic relationship in their imagination and answer how they would feel if they were 'in love' the way they tend to do (e.g. if they formed a couple with someone they'd have a self-proclaimed 'squish' on).

 

At least that's I was doing. I don't have enough experience to give answers 'proved by the reality' to the questions that discuss being in mutual love because my squishes (or whatever it's called) were never reciprocated; however, I do have a fairly accurate idea of what would have happened if certain girls (whom I had never asked out in reality) had agreed to be my girlfriends.

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So I decided to do the test. It was really difficult because the only person I could base it on was someone who I was really aesthetically attracted to. Otherwise I would have had to do it with my dog in mind, and let's face it, that'd be pretty dumb. Anyway, counting the maybes as a yes, I got a 5. The only definitive yes I actually got was on the one where I thought they were good-looking, because obviously.

 

I was particularly creeped out by the ones about suffering. None of that can be healthy can it?

 

EDIT: Here are my answers. Spoilers because it's really long.

 

A
no
no
no
no
no
B
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
C
no
no
no
D
no
no
no
no
maybe
E
no
no
no
no
no
F
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
G
no
no
i have no clue
what?
no
yes
no
no
what?
no
no clue
um...
no
H
no
what the actual F?
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
i have no idea how to answer
no
J
don't even know what it feels like
what does that mean?
no
no
?
no
K
no
no
didn't even know each other's numbers lol
no
no
L
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
M
no
maybe
no
no
no
no
no
probably
no
no
no
no
that's creepy
is this for real?
no
no
no
no
no
N
no
no
no
no
no
no
don't know how to answer
O
no
no
no
no
no
P
no
no
no
no
no
no
Q
no
no
no
no
no
R
no
no
no
no
no
S
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
T
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
U
no
no
no
no
no
I can't answer that
V
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
W
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
X
no
i did move on, but i was never in love
?
no
Y
no
no
no
no
no
Z
not for me it's not
no, cause it damn well seems like it sometimes
no
why are you asking me?
no
no
no
 

 

 

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55 minutes ago, Rising Sun said:

From personal experience, same. Not feeling a desire for romance (voluntary or innate) doesn't prevent from having crushes or falling in love. If it did, a lot of persons here would need to switch their identification to fully aromantic (and me among them). I think it's more an indicator of being some kind of grey, or at the very least not very romantic for people who still easily have crushes.

Or possibly mistaking squishes for crushes. Non romantic attractions can be strong. If all someone knows is that a crush is a strong attraction centred on someone else that's what they might call the strongest attraction they experience. Even if it's not romantic at all.

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I've redone the test, imagining how I'd behave if my most recent squishy swish* had a crush on me in return (or, for questions talking about unrequited 'love' - how I normally behave when I have swishes).

 

*The feeling is fortunately gone for now but might relapse.

 

 

A. Romantic love arises from pre-existing yearnings.


(1/5) nnnyn
B. Romantic love begins suddenly, creating instant intimacy.
(4/7) yyyynnn
C. Romantic love is blind.
(1/3) nny
D. Romantic love is often one-sided; it loves from afar.
(4/5) yynyy
E. Romantic love watches for small signs of reciprocation.
(3/5) nynyy
F. Romantic love is often uncertain and fearful of rejection; it is exclusive, possessive, and jealous.
(7/12) yyyynnnyyynn
G. Romantic love is a fantasy-trip, a prefabricated emotion projected onto others.
(5/12) ynyynynnnynn
H. Romance creates an illusion of oneness.
(0/3) nnn
I. Romantic love depends on imagination.
(4/8) nynnnyyy
J. Romance is being in love with love - attempting to actualize a feeling learned from others.
(0/6) nnnnnn
K. Romantic love sometimes depends on manipulation.
(1/5) ynnnn
L. Romantic love is like watching a movie.
(0/7) nnnnnnn
M. Romantic love is an ecstatic feeling.
(8/18) yyynyynynnnyynnnnn
N. Romantic love is an altered state of consciousness.
(5/7) nyyynyy
O. Romantic love sees the beloved as perfect.
(3/5) yynny
P. Romantic love causes violent mood-swings.
(3/6) nynyny
Q. Romantic love causes preoccupation and distraction.
(4/5) yyyyn
R. Romantic love causes intrusive thinking.
(3/5) nyyny
S. Romantic love causes compulsive, neurotic, dependent thoughts and feelings.
(4/8) yyynnnny
T. Romantic love is an overwhelming experience.
(7/11) ynynnyynyyy
U. Romantic love is the most important thing in life.
(0/6) nnnnnn
V. Romantic love includes suffering.
(2/8) yynnnnnn
W. Near its end, romantic love clings to any shred of hope.
(1/7) nnynnnn
X. Romantic Love is temporary—lasting 18 months to 3 years.
(3/4) nyyy
Y. When romantic love is over, it sometimes becomes hatred.
(1/5) ynnnn
Z. Romantic love resists analysis.
(1/7) nnynnnn 

Total: (75/180)  — You are recovering from being 'in love'
                                       or you were immune to this disease.

 

So @Jade, my current score of 75 is much better than the previous assessment '90-95' that you recorded :)

 

Don't blame me for giving perhaps contradictory answers to some questions - I'm on melatonin to fall asleep better and so my brain isn't functioning that well.

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