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DeMorgan

Romantic Attraction

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I'd rather say that exclusivity is more a monogamous trait, and jealousy a monogamous romantic trait in particular.

Anyway, when I want someone to be my committed best friend, and I want to be their committed best friend as well, with a connection between us that's stronger than the connection that person may have with their romantic partner, I think that's a desire for exclusivity. Not jealousy, but still some kind of exclusivity, in a way.

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If you look for "romantic attraction" on this page, I think it sums it up quite well:

 

https://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/identity-attraction-relationship-terms/

 

Quote

romantic attraction – Romantic attraction is a subjective feeling that has no universally applicable definition. It is can only be known and recognized through first hand experience. Romantic attraction is traditionally thought of as the motivation to pair-bond with someone in the context of a romantic relationship, but pair-bonding can also take place between two people who love each other nonromantically. (And for polyamorous individuals, romantic attraction isn’t restricted to a single relationship at a time.) Romantic attraction may create the desire to “date” or to marry, to be in an emotionally intimate relationship that is either closed or highly exclusive, to demonstrate one’s feelings using stereotypically romantic gestures, to engage in frequent physical or verbal affection, etc. Romantic attraction is often characterized as producing feelings of excitement, wonder, intense interest or fascination, jealousy or possessiveness, intense happiness (euphoria) for no reason or simply at the thought or sight of the other person, etc. Other commonly reported symptoms include persistent and intrusive thoughts about the romantic interest, which can reach a point of obsessive thinking, and grandiose fantasies involving the expression of one’s romantic interest/love to the other person. It is important to acknowledge, however, that sometimes features of “romantic” attraction/love can also happen in a platonic relationship or characterize platonic feelings/love.

James Park, an existential philosopher and author, attempted to define romantic attraction/love in a small book breaking it down into 26 points. The online version may be found here.

It is worth noting that even within romantic-sexual relationships, romantic attraction can be temporary even while love survives it. In long-term romantic-sexual or romantic-nonsexual partnerships, romantic attraction usually changes or branches off into emotional attraction

 

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That does seem pretty comprehensive.

 

Also, I find it amusing that the way it's written makes it seem like a listing of diagnostic criteria xD

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I think there might be some universal feeling of "romantic attraction" however the response to said attraction might be different (culturally, personally, etc) which is what "romance" is.

 

As a romantic individual, I had what I considered my first crush in 5th grade. It was a kid I played Pokémon cards with. I just wanted to play Pokémon cards with him. But when I saw him playing Pokémon with his friends or other people, I got oddly upset. I didn't wail or throw a tantrum or anything...but it was just a solemn feeling. A rather sad reminder that I wasn't the only person he wanted to play Pokémon with. My thought process about him back then was pretty much "I want to play Pokémon with him forever".

 

Fastforward to age 16, I got into my second relationship (not counting my first because I don't think I really loved her). He was a guy that was into the same things as me and also enjoyed making art. It was a squish at first; I really wanted to get to know him as a friend and just spend a lot of time with him. And we did become friends! We talked to each other on a daily basis and joke around a lot. For me, this squish developed into a crush when I realized he was the only person I'd ever think about. I'd wake up thinking about him, wondering if he was waking up too, go about my business thinking about him, wondering what he was doing and hoping his day was going well, and go to bed thinking about him, hoping he has a great night and wondering if he's been thinking about me too. I would agree with some of the past comments that it's an obsessive feeling.

 

I think this is also different from a squish in the sense that whenever this boy joked about us "being cute together" or complemented me I quickly became flustered and at a loss for words. If someone I only liked platonically did this to me, I wouldn't have responded the same way.

 

If anything I said needs further elaboration or if any has any questions about (how I feel) romantic attraction feel free to ask me. I'll try to think up clear and concise responses. :)

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I know that this is a very personal answer and that there are probably exceptions to any rule on Earth... But other than jealousy, the other way I easily identify a crush is physical attraction. I find my crush really handsome and attractive, I feel anxious and very excited (some kind of extreme restlessness, as if I had an infinite amount of energy) when I'm around him, and I desire to touch him. It isn't necessarily sexual by nature, it's a link between sensual attraction and emotional connection. I want to use very sensual touch to connect emotionally, whereas I don't need more than friendly touch like hugs with a squish.

For me at least, other than jealousy and sensual desire, there isn't any fundamental difference between a crush and a squish. The crush adds a strong sensual dimension that wouldn't exist otherwise ( = sensual and aesthetic attraction, and sometimes sexual attraction, basically), which makes it something quite passionate.

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Yeah, I'm different. I don't like being touched by anyone, and it takes a great deal of trust and closeness for me to work up the ability to allow someone to touch me. However I know I'm experiencing romantic attraction when I get that desire for that person whom I feel the attraction toward to give me all (or at least the majority) of their attention.

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A definition would certainly be hard to agree upon. Most likely a group as big as this (i.e. more than 3 people) wouldn't be able to agree to nearly any definition.

 

Or as i like to put it - is cheesecake a cake?

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I really like OP's definition but I can't think of a definition for a romantic relationship, but I also feel like it's kind of unnecessary?

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When my arospec friends and I were asked about the aromantic spectrum, one of us just eventually said "You gotta have something where you just go 'nah.'"

On 6/3/2016 at 6:58 AM, aussiekirkland said:

I really like OP's definition but I can't think of a definition for a romantic relationship, but I also feel like it's kind of unnecessary?

A relationship in which both people are romantically attracted to one another and act on that attraction?

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2 hours ago, morallygayro said:

A relationship in which both people are romantically attracted to one another and act on that attraction?

That definition doesn't work when you think about all the aromantic people who have been in romantic relationships and aren't romantically attracted to their partner.

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7 hours ago, aussiekirkland said:

That definition doesn't work when you think about all the aromantic people who have been in romantic relationships and aren't romantically attracted to their partner.

I've heard the term platoniromantic for that.

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That's a great term if the people in the relationship choose to define it as platoniromantic (I can certainly see the appeal). 

 

What I was referring to was when someone gets into a relationship with someone they're not attracted to (often out of guilt, but in this context from being a confused aromantic) wouldn't it still be romantic for the people in it?

 

If it weren't romantic simply because /both/ parties weren't romantically attracted to each other then why would so many aros experience romance repulsion from this sort of unrequited relationship?

 

In the end this is just another example of language we use in the aromantic community which is super vague and undefinable :P

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I've seen platoniromantic used as a term to describe someone who can't tell the difference between romantic and platonic attraction, but never to describe a relationship

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On 4/26/2016 at 1:36 AM, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

James Park, an existential philosopher and author, attempted to define romantic attraction/love in a small book breaking it down into 26 points. The online version may be found here.

 

OMG, James Park is my hero! I score 90-95 on his test, but I totally share his negative view on 'romantic love' (limerence, in preciser scientific terms). I don't think that having experienced limerence makes one (grey-)romantic; conscious longing to have such an experience once again (or continue it with the current 'loved one') is necessary to make such a conclusion, imho.

 

In short, a romantic is someone who would like to be 'in love' (limerent), an aro is someone who would hate it.

 

Also, I adore it that he classifies rational mate-selection as non-romantic :aropride:

 

A corollary is that I pity romantics just like drug addicts :D

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44 minutes ago, aroMa(n)tisse said:

 

OMG, James Park is my hero! I score 90-95 on his test, but I totally share his negative view on 'romantic love' (limerence, in preciser scientific terms). I don't think that having experienced limerence makes one (grey-)romantic; conscious longing to have such an experience once again (or continue it with the current 'loved one') is necessary to make such a conclusion, imho.

 

In short, a romantic is someone who would like to be 'in love' (limerent), an aro is someone who would hate it.

 

Also, I adore it that he classifies rational mate-selection as non-romantic :aropride:

 

A corollary is that I pity romantics just like drug addicts :D

I had a look after seeing your response to James Park and it's very interesting. I don't think I wholey agree, he seems a little harsh to me. The test is fun though, I scored 8 on it :). I think I'll show it to my sister some time and see what she thinks.

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Just now, RedNeko said:

The test is fun though, I scored 8 on it :).

 

Did you measure your current feelings or did you apply the test to the most intense feelings you've ever had? I did the latter. If you did do too, congrats on being much more predisposed to happiness than me :aropride: The score of my current feelings is way lower, lol.

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Just now, aroMa(n)tisse said:

 

Did you measure your current feelings or did you apply the test to the most intense feelings you've ever had? I did the latter. If you did do too, congrats on being much more predisposed to happiness than me :aropride: The score of my current feelings is way lower, lol.

It's applied to the only time I've ever been in a romantic relationship. If it was applied to the present it would be maybe 3? Because I have a very active and intense imagination. I'm curious, what would your score be these days?

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3 minutes ago, RedNeko said:

I'm curious, what would your score be these days?

 

Do you want me to apply it to my attitude to my, erm, currently most preferred person? I'm not even sure whom to give this title :D

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1 minute ago, aroMa(n)tisse said:

 

Do you want me to apply it to my attitude to my, erm, most preferred person? I'm not even sure whom to give this title.

Oh, I don't really care about how you apply it. My current 3 comes purely from day dreaming and doesn't refer to a particular person. But don't feel you have to give me a response just because I asked if you can't be bothered or whatever :D

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28 minutes ago, aroMa(n)tisse said:

 

Did you measure your current feelings or did you apply the test to the most intense feelings you've ever had? I did the latter. If you did do too, congrats on being much more predisposed to happiness than me :aropride: The score of my current feelings is way lower, lol.

I had a quick read and it was the most foreign thing I'd ever read. I am definitely very aromantic! Haha :aropride:

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11 minutes ago, aroMa(n)tisse said:

@aussiekirkland You've made me feel broken, haha. Well, I've always known that I am, but I'm repairing myself gradually :aropride:

Aw I'm sorry! I meant the link to the love test haha very strange stuff

 

I'm glad :arolove:

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