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Cassiopeia

Early signs that you were aro

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When I was about 8 a friend of mine had a crush on a guy, and for some reason she thought that walking around with me on her shoulders would impress him. I thought it was the dumbest thing in the world. First of all, why would that impress him, and second, what were they gonna do, ask their parents to take them on play dates? But okay, whatever, I sat on her shoulders. It didn't help her any.

 

When I was in sixth grade my entire grade went to a camp for a couple of days (it was a small school, there were probably only about 40 people in the grade). One of the teachers went around the girl's cabin and asked every single one of us who we liked, and actually noted it on her iPad. When she got to me, I said I didn't like anyone, and no one believed me. They would not leave me alone until I picked someone to say I had a crush on.

 

My freshman year of high school I thought I had a crush on a guy, although in retrospect it's pretty obvious that I just wasn't used to having a squish or whatever on guys. Anyway, I was excited because I finally didn't have to get all evasive whenever my friends asked me who I liked. Then my best friend at the time asked the guy to a school dance. Everyone was enraged on my behalf, like how could she do that, she knows you like him!! I didn't really think it was that big of a deal. If she liked him, she could have him, it wasn't worth ruining a friendship over.

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I used to think relationships were cool but with any little problem that could arise it felt like too much work. I felt like the only point to dating was to find someone to get married to and I really didn't feel like going through trial-and-error. Turns out people date even without marriage in mind??

 

I would forget about crushes and boyfriends up until someone would ask "who do you have a crush on". It seems like allo people constantly have a crush on someone.

 

I thought I had a crush on this one guy and someone asked if I liked him and I immediately felt embarrassed and repulsed and not in the way that would imply I had a crush on him. 

 

I didn't understand the big deal with crushes because with all my "crushes" I just wanted to impress the person with jokes and stuff. I didn't understand how other people could blush and stutter and mess up.

 

Fictional kisses were cool but whenever I tried to imagine myself kissing someone (even my supposed "crushes" lmao) I got bored and a little disgusted with the fact that people willingly exchange saliva.

 

When I was like 9 I think I actually screamed at the radio for playing the same love songs over and over again because they were so boring.

 

I thought crushes were supposed to just be admired because I didn't understand why people would want to date someone they know they'd be over in like 2 months why even bother? Crushes were just people who were aesthetically attractive or fun to talk to.

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I’m new here. First comment. ^^

Personally, I always found romance interesting— for other people. I like reading romance novels, but for me, it’s pure fiction and wish fulfillment. I could never really connect myself with it. I never liked I idea of getting married and dating made my skin crawl. I had attractions growing up, but they were insignificant and oftentimes I would go years between finding anyone attractive enough to call a “crush”. I still get the feeling every once in a while, but it dies out after not too long. I always wanted to have that romantic attachment, and people always said it would hit me eventually, but yeah, no.

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6 hours ago, eatingcroutons said:

lmfao I was backing up posts from my Tumblr to Dreamwidth and I literally posted this almost a year before I'd ever heard the word "aromantic":

 

CvEy3Ju.png

I relate so much to this too. I never get it. Why a romantic relationship would be the only way to be happy? If you don't like your job, I get that a romantic relationship would be more satisfying, but there must be people who love their job somewhere and think it is important for them...

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@eatingcroutons what was the 'context' you were referring to?

 

I reckon most people (i.e allo-romantics) would find the statement that personal happiness derives exclusively from a romantic relationship to be a bit extreme. But, at the same time, I think they would also find it difficult to envision themselves living a fulfilling life without a romantic relationship being incorporated as a key component of that vision. This is where I think you and I (and others on these forums) are quite different from most people: it's not a key component for us.

 

Thinking in terms of Maslov's hierarchy of needs: I suspect many allo-romantics see romantic relationships as a non-negotiable requirement for meeting their 'belonging/love' related needs adequately. Whereas an aromantic could meet those same needs just fine with friendships and family relationships only.

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On 12/13/2018 at 2:17 PM, NullVector said:

Thinking in terms of Maslov's hierarchy of needs: I suspect many allo-romantics see romantic relationships as a non-negotiable requirement for meeting their 'belonging/love' related needs adequately. Whereas an aromantic could meet those same needs just fine with friendships and family relationships only.

To me the biggest stumbling block is normative concept of 'friendship' almost invariably excludes the sexual and sensual. As well as often being secondary to romance, even for many single allos.

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At middle school dances, I loved to fawn over the couples who were slow dancing but I absolutely did not want to be involved in a slow dance myself 😂 

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I always thought of falling in love and romantic relationships as something funny. My thinking was along the line of: if they want to have sex, why don't they just do it? Why the silly talk about hearts and promises and stuff.

 

At 8 I also wanted to be a priest (Catholic), because they don't have to marry!

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i dated someone in elementary, but there was no love in the relationship from either side. none from me because i don't feel that shit, i just wanted to play with someone and none from him because he turned out to not actually care about my feelings at all. helps (or doesn't help, i guess) that we were in fifth grade.

edit: i just realized this might not exactly count. oh well.

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Around the time when people still had BBM I was in grade 6 and people started getting into relationships by text. Even then I thought it was absolutely ridiculous that 1) that's what they were considering their first relationship and 2) they were so happy to be doing it.

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i remember when i was asked out for the first time, i was mentally doing the math on whether or not i actually liked the guy before saying yes. my sister said it best, most recently: if you have to think about it, the answer is probably no.

 

i've never really felt those strong feelings everyone talks about. i thought everyone was faking it until recently. missed the boat on that, huh? whoops.

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I can't speak on "friends asking if you had a crush" or anything like that, since I had very few lasting friendships throughout school, but I distinctly remember being sick to death of media with any kind of romantic themes by the time I was, like, 14. It was like, there are so many other things to write about... Why is everyone focusing on this weird theme? Growing up in a Christian family, I thought it was like, marriage propaganda. And it wasn't until about a year or two ago that I asked myself, wait, people actually do that? Like in real life? It was a weird experience.

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5 hours ago, yickel said:

 And it wasn't until about a year or two ago that I asked myself, wait, people actually do that? Like in real life? It was a weird experience.

 

literally having this revelation is so strange? like i live with happy parents in a happy marriage, but it still occurs to me regularly like oh people genuinely want this. people aren't just saying it to say it.

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On 12/13/2018 at 2:17 PM, NullVector said:

@eatingcroutons what was the 'context' you were referring to?

 

The context was someone complaining that "narratives often require female characters to choose between professional satisfaction and personal happiness”. This was in response to a broader discussion about whether one specific fictional relationship would have been better if it had been platonic rather than romantic - by "personal happiness" they were explicitly and exclusively referring to romantic relationships. 

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I forget when exactly but some time during middle school, I had met a boy online and I thought it was the greatest thing ever because I loved romances. So naturally we talked and became virtual bf/gf. Then one morning he messaged me “good morning, beautiful” like he always does, but as I read it, bile immediately rose to my throat. I felt this uncomfortable heaviness in my chest that physically weighed me down but also this strong urge to run away; to just physically get away even though he was nowhere near me. I stopped talking to him altogether that day and cried out of anger and confusion. I still like doing him but out of no where I felt disgusted by him trying to romance me even though it was what I wanted and I easily now felt nothing for him. Since then, I’ve been struggling with myself. 

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- as child I pushed certain people of the opposite sex away from me because I was afraid they have a crush on me

- in elementary school people around me had crushes and I was only like Why??? We're too young for this shit.
I also did not understand why one girl who felt heartbroken couldn't just get over the guy she liked because I thought he was an asshole anyway

- the first time I was with someone who liked me romantically I felt like I couldn't care less. My friends were still my top priority

- not being curious about my first kiss but grossed out
Oh and I already knew in elementary I don't want to get married and didn't get the fuss about it

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