lonelyace

In America we use the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) to diagnose, well, mental disorders. I don't know if there is an equivalent diagnosis in the ICD which most of the rest of the world uses, but in the DSM there is a disorder called hypoactive sexual desire disorder, which is characterized by a low libido and/or lack of interest in sex. The most recent edition of the DSM has an addendum stating that the diagnosis can't be given if the person identifies as asexual. However, given how asexuality is not super well known by the general public, I worry that there might be people who express worry that they might not be normal to a mental health professional and receive a diagnosis rather than be assured that they are normal and there is a community of people like them. I'm not sure if I think that hypoactive sexual desire disorder should exist as a diagnosis or not. On the one hand I imagine that if a formerly allosexual person suddenly loses interest in sex and is distressed by it, there would be a precedent for getting medical and/or psychological help. On the other hand, I worry that the medicalization of the lower end of the spectrum of human sexual desire is harmful to the asexual community, as I have only ever seen asexuality be discussed as a disorder in clinical or university class settings. Fictional characters who were previously uninterested in sex or romance getting "fixed" over the course of a story. You know the trope of robots or aliens learning romantic love as they become "more human." Or the romance movie trope of people (often women) who are career driven and happily single finding "true happiness" when they fall in love. "ArEn'T yOu WoRriEd aBoUt dYinG aLoNe?" Actually the discourse surrounding asexuality and aromanticism are examples of aphobia in themselves. When people say asexuality and/or aromanticism aren't real and we're making it up to feel special, that's aphobia. When people say that ace and aro people don't belong in the LGBT+ community because we don't face discrimination, that's aphobia.

I found their AllMyLinks Page which includes their twitter and an email address so that gives you two options. Artemis, a journalist. (@thetransjourno) | AllMyLinks This Isn't doxing because its already public information right?

Wow this is so close to my own experiences that its like I could have written it myself. I've had what you're experiencing happen to me not once but twice, and yeah, its rough. Other people I've known in real life have never understood how much it hurts to lose close friends. for my part I don't understand why it doesn't hurt them that much. Maybe its because of the societal focus on romantic relationships. Maybe its an aro thing. I know saying it gets easier doesn't help, but it does. Maybe you'll find great new friends, or maybe you'll learn how to be happy on your own. I know that I have made some great friends on forums like this one, so if you ever want a friend, don't hesitate to send me a private message.

Ah yeah, I totally missed that one. I know that you probably already took the test so it probably won't help you, but I edited my original post to address that issue.

I don't think that I ever really thought of myself as single. I don't think I really have any feelings about the word one way or another, to be honest. I'll probably just continue to not call myself anything really. Someone mentioned Greek and Latin roots,\ so here's a few that could be used to make a new word: "hapl" means single "hen," "mon/mono," "sol," and "uni" mean one "homin" means human "soma" means body "sui" means self "exo" means outside "ego" means self "nihil" means nothing "null" means none "pleb" means people I'm no linguist so I'm really not qualified to say this but hey, all words are made up anyway. If you really wanted to, you could probably mix and match these with each other and/or existing words to create a new one if you really wanted to. Like exorelational (outside of relationships), or haplosomatic (single body/single person).

Hey all, it's been a minute since I've really been active on here, and I feel a little bit bad for soliciting your help, but its too late to turn back now. I have to design a psychological assessment for a class, and given that there's no research about aromanticism, I wanted to try to do something with that. It's really pretty simple; just some questions about comfort levels with different romance coded activities. If anyone wanted to take a few minutes and fill out the survey it'd be super helpful. There are a few questions where I ask about feelings regarding an activity with a close friend or queerplatonic partner. I am aware that these are double barreled questions and that you might have different answers regarding each. My hope is that when you answer those questions, you answer regarding whichever you would feel more comfortable with. I had two reasons for doing this. One is that I know that not all aromantic people are in or want to be in qprs, and the website I used didn't allow for a not applicable option. The second is that I am an undergraduate, and I haven't actually learned anything about how to score these tests yet. I was worried that if I did allow for skippable questions, I wouldn't know how to score the results when there might be a differing numbers of questions being answered (if that sentence made any sense). I was required to use a specific site to make the survey, so here's the link: https://qfreeaccountssjc1.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_bwQreAqrid0SkVU Thanks! Edit #2 The survey is now closed as I do have class deadlines. Thank you so much to everyone who responded. I got way more responses than I expected. I also didn't expect to have so many people telling me that this survey was interesting or helpful in that it made them think about stuff they'd never thought about before. If there's any interest, I can reopen the survey once I've collected my current data. Please let me know if that's something I should do.

False, I don't much like it actually. TPBM watches anime

As long as you're genuinely trying to learn, nothing is a dumb question. Some asexual people do masturbate, some don't. It's all a matter of personal preference. The nerve endings in our genitals do still work, we do still feel it. Being asexual is just about not feeling sexual attraction towards anyone else, that is, not looking at another person and being aroused by or fantasizing about them specifically. Attitudes towards masturbation, as with attitudes towards sex, vary from asexual to asexual.

I fully agree that flexibility is an inherent and important part of qpr's. I think what I meant is that it's new enough that there are no stereotypes or set societal ideas about what a qpr looks like. Because realistically we can also define friendships, best friendships, romantic relationships etc in any way as well. You could platonically kiss your best friend. I personally, as an adult college student engaged in a romantic relationship with an alloromantic person who knew that I was aromantic, but because we defined our romantic relationship as holding hands and hanging out a lot, it worked for both of us. The thing is, people don't often think about breaking out of normative ideas of what one type of relationship involves because these relationship types have set ideals ingrained in society. Those don't exist for qpr's, which aids the ability for qpr's to be whatever the people involved want it to be.

This is interesting to me because I can relate to the confusion as to why people simultaneously say that gender doesn't matter to them and categorize themselves based off of it, but I differ from you in feelings. I've been gendered every which way, female, male, genderless they/them, and all of them felt right. This leaves me confused as to how I am supposed to categorize myself. I feel okay with my assigned gender, and I can function as such, so that makes me female right? But if I'm equally comfortable as male or non binary, does that make me those things too?

Welcome! I'm so happy that you've been able to understand yourself and come to terms with your feelings. I always enjoy hearing other people's stories. Have you considered that you may be whatever the aromantic equivalent of polyamerous is? Since you talked about having sexual and platonic attraction to other people while you were in a relationship, might it be possible that you could have more than one committed friends with benefits situation at a time? By no means is the meant to tell you what you are or how you should feel. I simply think that looking into it could help. If it isn't true about you then no harm done, and if it is then you've learned something new about yourself.

I don't know if I watch Thomas Sanders enough to really qualify as a Fander of not, but I do enjoy his content.

I don't have the knowledge on how to make one but I would definitely be interested if one existed.

Some queerplatonic relationships do involve sexual attraction and some don't. That's what makes qpr's simultaneously beautiful and terrifying. They're such a new concept that there really aren't defined rules and expectations for them. A qpr can be two friends who want to be friends forever. It can be two people who feel like their connection goes beyond friendship but still isn't romantic. It can be a committed friends with benefits type situation. There's really no end to the ways that qpr's can look.

All my life I've been told that I expect too much from friendship. I want too much intimacy. Yes, friends can cuddle sometimes, but they don't walk around holding hands. I want too much honesty. Yes, friends can share feelings but they don't do it that often. I want too much intensity. After all, if I'm willing to move heaven and earth for you, I want you to be willing to do the same for me. I want too much commitment. It isn't normal to be so upset when your best friend says that you aren't their best friend. It isn't normal to plan your entire life with your best friends and actually expect it to be a reality. It isn't normal to be so upset at the prospect of having to leave or lose a friend. After all, friends move on, that's just how it is. But I just feel too intensely. I will clarify that this is only true about a few people. Most friendships that I have follow a normal pattern of what friendship is supposed to look like. But, some people are special. Some people I'm all or nothing for. I always thought that these were normal feelings to have for a best friend, but I've come to realize that what I want from a best friend more closely resembles what most people want from a romance. I want the deep emotional bond and the commitment to being by each other's side through everything. I've never looked at these feelings and thought that they were romantic. When alloromantic people describe their crushes it sounds completely foreign to me. When they say you just know, I'm like, no??? I don't??? But at the same time I want to share my life with these people. I'm too intense for friendship and not enough for romance. I don't really know what kind of relationship structure works best for me. I need structure and labels and verbal affirmations of commitment to be able to function. Maybe a qpr would work if I knew any aromantic people in real life, but the times I've tried it, it's been with allo people. I found that they viewed a qpr as a close friendship, but not a relationship. Maybe I'm a bad aro, maybe I'm a fake, but that's what I want. For it to be a structured, recognized relationship like the ones alloromantic people get to have with each other. It would also be nice to be able to talk about a partner without having to give a vocab lesson and get hit with "so you're just friends" more often then not. I tried dating an alloromantic who knew that I'm aro but didn't care, and I actually wound up scaring her away with my intensity. So basically, it's complicated. I know what I want out of the relationships but I don't see a way to actually get them. I think I'm doing aromanticism wrong.

You sing beautifully but you will never stop singing. It's 24/7 for the rest of your life. I wish I could skip college and just have a degree and career already.

To be non binary is to have a gender that is not 100% male or 100% female. This is about gender identity, not gender expression. You can be very masculine in your presentation and still be a girl, or feminine in presentation and still be a boy. These things are still binary genders because the person is still male or female. Non binary folks have a gender that, as I said before, is not 100% male or 100% female. This can look a lot of different ways. It could be both or neither or or changing. You could feel somewhat but not entirely connected with one gender, or you could feel like something else entirely. I hope this helps explain things.

It seems like most people experience sexual and romantic by your age. I personally knew I was asexual by age 16. It took me a bit longer to realize I was aromantic but that's more because of denial than a lack of early signs. Most aromantic and asexual people can see early signs by puberty, sometimes even before. So if you feel comfortable calling yourself aromantic asexual, do it. Even if it changes in the future, thats okay. It doesn't change how you feel right now.

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When people talk about heartbreak I tend to think about ways that past friends have broken my heart. I don't think that it has to be romantic for it to be heartbreak.

I just came across the term aroflux recently and I’m considering if it’s something that fits for me. I am currently in a romantic relationship and my complex feelings are at times a cause of distress for me. I don’t think that the feelings themselves change. I always remain comfortable performing certain romance coded actions and not others, and my feelings for my girlfriend always have the same intensity. The thing that changes is that sometimes I look at those feelings and they feel romantic, while other times they feel entirely platonic. I have a long history of having no idea what I’m feeling. I know that I have never felt what other people describe when they describe crushes. I know that I am not comfortable with all of the activities that are typically associated with romance. This is enough to lead me to believe that I belong somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. I have trouble though, because during the times when I interpret the feelings as romantic, I feel as though I am betraying the aromantic community, and when the feelings don’t feel romantic, I feel as though I’m betraying my girlfriend. so yeah, now I’m not talking about aroflux as a concept. Just my insecurities. Sorry about that.

I personally have no problem saying girlfriend, but thats a whole can of worms that I don't care to open right now. Perhaps something along the lines of partner/queerplatonic partner/platonic partner would work for you?

I would start by discussing topics related to aromanticism and queerplatonic relationships with her. Tell her what a queerplatonic/zucchini relationship is and why many aromantic people object to terms like "just friends." That way you can gauge her reaction, and see if being your or anyone's zucchini would be something she would be interested in. If she seems receptive to the idea you can ask her if she wants to be your zucchini, and if she doesn't seem receptive you don't even have to ask.

I have suspected that I was aromantic, or at least on the aromantic spectrum for a while now. I've spent my entire life asking others what a crush/romantic attraction is supposed to feel like and getting frustrated at the vague yet common response of "you just know." I don't get butterflies in my stomach whenever I'm around any one person. I don't obsess completely over a person. I don't fantasize about kissing, and since I'm asexual, I don't fantasize about sex either. It all seems very aromantic, and yet I am in continuous denial about the fact that I could be aro. See, I very much value how much others value me, probably too much, but thats another discussion. It is important to me to have a person or people care about me. I don't want a life alone, I want a life with other people. I want somebody(s) that live with me and care about me and want a life with me, not just to be friends who see each other once in a while. It seems to me that the only way to achieve that is via a romantic relationship. I've had queerplatonic relationships before and I never felt like I mattered nearly as much to them as they did/do to me. They've all been both allosexual and alloromantic, so a platonic partnership like I'm offering is just not their end goal. It's a side note. I understand that they need romance and sex in their lives, and I've made peace with the fact that they will and should pursue that with other people. And yet they say things like "I'm forever alone" and put me off for the pursuit of romance. I feel like I am just a placeholder until they can find the "real thing" when I am in a queerplatonic relationship. I am now three years into college and I am in my first romantic relationship aside from a few one off dates. I do really like my girlfriend. There aren't a lot of people that I'm willing to be physically intimate, that is to hold hands and cuddle with, but she is one of them. She's given me the closest thing I've ever felt to whatever the hell butterflies in the stomach are supposed to be. I figured out that she liked me before she actually told me, and it made me really happy. When I heard that she liked someone else I was very upset and even cried. And yet I am not comfortable with using pet names. I am not comfortable with saying I love you; I never have been in any context from familial to platonic to romantic, and I don't know why. I wouldn't know where to begin with romantic gestures like she does for me. I feel like I'm forcing to reciprocate when all I really want to do is just be with her. Another thing that I'm considering is that I still cannot differentiate between romantic and platonic. I know that there are some people that I care about differently than others. People that I more want to be around, want to be more physically intimate with, people that I want to build a life with. But I can't say that it feels inherently romantic. So my relationship with my girlfriend feels more like an expanded friendship than something with a distinctly romantic quality, at least on my part. I worry that entering into a relationship with her is just me going deeper into denial. But for the first time ever, I'm someone's favorite person, and I don't know if I can let go of that. I don't want to hurt her or lead her on. I do really care about her, I just don't know if it's the "right" way. I don't know if I am emotionally capable of letting the relationship go if I don't love her the "right" way, but it also wouldn't be fair of me to keep dating her if that turns out to be true. I don't know what I am, what I feel, or what I should do, and I don't handle not knowing well at all.

I've seen a thread about aromantic symbols but not about aromantic culture in general. So, what are some things that are aromantic culture? So far I have: -arrows/archery -the green heart emoji -the color green -calling out people who ditch their friends to spend all their time with a romantic crush/partner -asking people what crushes feel like just in case this time it makes sense