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Everything posted by arolectriclady

  1. At middle school dances, I loved to fawn over the couples who were slow dancing but I absolutely did not want to be involved in a slow dance myself πŸ˜‚
  2. Thank you, @Cee Fox ! Just to get a topic going I thought I'd share this post I made on Tumblr about the marriage of two famous Bollywood celebrities and how that impacts me as an aro of South Asian descent. I feel like each poc community has distinct, deep-set attitudes toward marriage and these are my thoughts on those in the South Asian community.
  3. I have avoided romcoms ever since realizing I was aro but recently I watched the Netflix movie "To All the Boys I've Ever Loved" with my sister because it looked cute and fun plus the lead was an Asian American actress. I enjoyed the movie but the fact that the lead character was quite pressured to finally get a boyfriend after years of pining and admiring from afar made me sad. They connected dating to her personal development. According to the story, dating and having a boyfriend made her a bolder and more confident person. But the thing is, you do not need a romantic relationship to push you out of your comfort zone and grow. That idea is so harmful and yes like you said @aro_elise so connected to heteronormativity as well.
  4. Just wondering if there are any other Asian American or Asian aros on here. What's your experience been like? For me, my parents are pretty liberal compared to other Asian parents. As a woman, I did not grow up with the pressure to get married nor were my parents super strict about dating. Their openness actually made me wonder what was stopping me from pursuing romance since I did not have them to blame for "holding me back."
  5. Hi, I was wondering if Arocalypse could have an Intersectionality forum. AVEN has one and it is obviously open to aros as well but the posts are mostly skewed toward ace people. I was hoping to connect with other aros of color and I think an Intersectionality forum would help with that. People could also talk about how their aro-ness connects with other aspects of their life.
  6. Idk if this is more related to non-monogamy/relationship anarchy but part of me has no idea why cheating is such a big deal. Like...people are going to feel attracted to other people even while in a relationship! Idk what the big deal is! Why can't the couple just acknowledge that it might happen and if it does just talk it out? Or maybe open the relationship? It would be unreasonable to tell your friends to only spend quality time and have heart-to-hearts with you...how is a romantic relationship any different? *Throws hands up in air* I don't get it.
  7. I loved romcoms and romantic movies growing up, but I do think they can instill problematic ideas about gender and relationships. I think we can enjoy these movies but at the same time acknowledge that they are not and should not apply to real life. I really appreciated this video because so many of these tropes caused me to believe I was not aro but rather just one of those "independent women who needed to be worn down." The whole "no means yes" concept was pretty harmful to me too as an aro person because I thought I wanted romance "deep down." Can anyone else attest to being dangerously misguided by these tropes?
  8. Cannot empathize with dating small talk and as a result, I feel annoyed or left out lmao Social anxiety around straight men because I am afraid they will pursue or view me romantically. I genuinely feel myself relax when a guy I am socializing with is either gay/bi/pan or in a relationship because in my mind that marks him as "safe." Like you said, @Holmbo , I do not always feel uncomfortable talking about my long-term life plans as a single/non amorous person Choosing not to open up about being aro because people will look at me with pity or convince me I am just jaded or shy and need to find the right person I feel I can tackle a lot of these social snags through cultivating more confidence and self-compassion for myself, as well as pride in being aro. But yeah social skills and situations are just difficult when people have little knowledge about ace and aro identities. One upside though is having representation. I came out as aroace to my friend this past weekend and it was a more efficient and less stressful conversation because I could refer to Todd from Bojack Horseman (my friend and I both watch the show). Todd had elaborated in one episode about ace & aro and how the two identities are not mutually exclusive. Having well-executed references or characters in the media makes communicating so much easier because the other person will understand it more quickly and it does not have to be this Big Thing.
  9. I watched the movie "Little Manhattan" on the plane when I was younger and I was uncomfortable throughout the whole thing but ESPECIALLY when they held hands. The girl took her hand away IN ORDER TO WIPE HER SWEAT and then held the boy's hand again. Ugh I thought it was so gross and honestly I have never been into hand holding because I do not see the point like your hands get warm and sweaty as if they are telling you to let go and set them free lmao
  10. I would feel thrown off and disoriented whenever a close friend of mine expressed an interest and/or desire to date either in the present or distant future. I assumed because I feel so connected to these friends on a variety of other levels that they would share my attitude to relationships. But instead, there seemed to be this break in our commonality.
  11. When I was growing up and starting to learn about romantic relationships, I hated the thought of getting to know someone and then eventually having to break up with them. That just sounded so sad and like a complete waste of time. What was the point if it is likely you will break up anyway? I guess that was an early sign that I prefer long-term close friendships and that I do not experience the romantic attraction people feel that "make it all worth it." Because if you think about it, without the romantic attraction component, romo relationships sound pretty miserable and pointless.
  12. Any aros in the DC, Maryland, and Virginia area? There is an asexual meetup group here and some aros are members but I thought I would reach out on here as well
  13. From what I have read, squishes can feel a lot like crushes (nerves, wanting to be liked back, etc). I have experienced these feelings for people, so once I realized I was aroace I figured these experiences were squishes. But then I realized the objects of these squishes were either straight guys or queer girls/enbys. In other words, people who have the capacity to be attracted to me (a cis girl). I have never "squished" on a straight girl before and this pattern got me thinking about compulsory sexual and romo attraction. I appreciate people aesthetically and/or admire personality and sense of humor. When these feelings were directed to a guy or a queer girl/enby) I assumed they constituted a crush. I like...inserted their sexuality into mine, if that makes sense? My brain would go, "Oh. I like him as a person and find him interesting and fun to talk to. Guess I must be straight then." Or if I knew a girl or enby was queer, I would have the same thought process and assume I was bisexual. And then I would get really stressed. Romo people view crushes as stressful too but it seems more like an excitement kind of stress. As in, the foundation of their anxious feelings is romantic attraction, which has largely been described to me a positive, thrilling experience in spite of its pitfalls. Whereas my stress comprised of dread at the fact that I had to date them since that was the "logical" next step. Then I learned about squishes and figured that is what they were. But now that I think about it, I think I just wanted these people as friends and then gave myself anxiety over them because I thought they were crushes. I would feel pressured to date them just because I liked them just as platonically and aesthetically as I liked my straight girlfriends or even straight women in general. There was never anything "more." I just felt like there had to be because amatonormativity and compulsory sexuality are powerful forces. Anyways, I do not think this is how romo or sexual attraction works. Like, straight dudes fall for gay women. Straight girls can fall for gay guys. Gay women fall or straight women. Gay men fall for straight dudes. Whereas in my aroace case (lol rhyme), I literally had no agency and just assumed another person's attraction/orientation to be my own as well. These are just reflections on past experiences that happened before I knew I was aroace. Now that I know my orientation, I think time will tell. Maybe I will have a squish! They sound fun. But if I never get one then that's okay too. I'm happy with the love I feel for my friends and family.
  14. When I would experience what I thought was a crush and they got a boyfriend or girlfriend, I would not feel jealous. I would feel kind of sad/bummed, but there was no desire to be their romantic partner or take their romantic partner's place. Idk I guess an early sign was that dating was just never something I considered when I harbored a crush. If my crush started dating I just felt confused. Like, is that what I was supposed to do this entire time? Lol no thanksssss Looking back I think I got squishes on people I wanted to spend time with and get to know better. If they got a partner, I felt like I could no longer pursue a close friendship because they were already spending a lot of their quality time with someone else. Idk I feel like we live in a weird culture where you cannot become close friends with someone in a relationship because it would appear as a "threat" to their romantic relationship or something?
  15. Of course! If it qualifies as sensual attraction for you, then that is what it is. I think we have the right to define our own boundaries when it comes to this stuff, rather than have them defined under the limiting binary of "romantic" vs "platonic."
  16. Sounds to me that would still be a squish that has an element of sensual attraction? For more of a breakdown of that you can check out the bottom of this post http://cupcakearrow.tumblr.com/acearothings
  17. Wow. I just want to say a huge thank-you to each person who responded. Each reply managed to address a different angle of what I have been struggling with, and I noticed I have felt more at peace in the last view days than I have in a while. I think it had to do with reading this thread. Obviously there are going to be good days and bad days, but it empowers me to know I am not alone and that we have more in common with one another than we might think. ❀️😌
  18. Hi guys 😊 I have scoured the internet for posts about being aroace and many of them have helped immensely, but not a lot of them addressed this particular element of the experience. So I figured I would take a stab at articulating it here in hopes that other aroaces (or honestly any a- or arospec people) can empathize and provide advice. I discovered ace and aro identities after my first attempts at dating. I was 22 years old and still had never dated or kissed anyone, so I felt like it was about time to address it. When I found a couple of people who seemed interested in me, I went forward with it because I thought they were genuinely cool, attractive people and I was flattered. But I felt incredibly uncomfortable with anything non-platonic and could not even bring myself to kiss or hold hands. I decided to look into asexuality and aromanticism because it felt like there was something more to my discomfort beyond just nerves and inexperience. And...bam. My world basically exploded. I realized my "crushes" were really just squishes. My "attraction" was purely deeply platonic and aesthetic. Basically, I thought I was on the same page as everyone else, but it turns out I am clearly not since the way I experience attraction is fundamentally different. I proceeded to have a breakdown because I felt alienated from my friends and family. I felt cut off from these emotions people actually feel. Sexual and romantic attraction is a real, powerful experience and not just something you see in books and media and find entertaining. Dating and sex are not just obligations or activities people do for fun in order to say they did it. They are experiences that derive from an attraction that stems from within, rather than from external pressures. My question(s): How do you move forward with this realization? How do you accept and embrace these parts of your identity without exaggerating how it makes you different? Inversely, how do you uphold the validity of your struggles as an aspec or arospec person when it seems like both straight people, as well as gay and bi people, do not understand? I know these are not simple questions, but honestly, ANY form of feedback, advice, and/or narrative would really help me regain a sense of balance.
  19. Thanks for starting up this thread! As a writer who has always been drawn to beauty in art, music, and nature, I find myself experiencing a similar type of attraction to people. I find lots of people fascinating or even beautiful on an aesthetic level, and sometimes I get nervous around people whose appearance I aesthetically admire. I just find them so beautiful and cool. Kind of like how there is a popular boy or girl in class who is aesthetically attractive and confident, and everyone admires them in a way. Or like seeing a fairy or magical creature who invokes a sense of awe. Given how I do view the world through an aesthetic lens, this type of attraction also factor into my squishes, which is why I thought they were crushes. That is why I identified as bisexual for a while. But I know not everyone approaches attraction in this way, and since I am a cisgender feminine woman I think sometimes my squishes on straight men or gay women produce anxiety because I do not want my behavior to be interpreted romantically or sexually, even if it does seem like that since I do behave affectionately and exhibit an interest in them. I guess for a while my only frame of reference was romance I misread my aesthetic attraction as romantic. Now that I have access to aromanticism and asexuality as orientations (I am aroace), I know my feelings are aesthetic and/or platonic, and those attractions can be pretty strong. But idk I think I internalized the notion that strong feelings are always somehow romantic because that is how they are often construed.
  20. I also recently discovered I am aro (LOL I like the amount of "very"s you guys usedβ€”it pretty accurately describes the feeling of taking all of this in) and I found out when I tried dating one of my squishes and WOW it just did not feel right and I had no idea why. But finding out about the different types of attraction really helped! I think admiration and aesthetics are strong forces of attraction that often get mistaken for romantic. Here are some helpful posts about squishes: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=squish http://theasexualityblog.tumblr.com/post/138663700030/squishes-vs-crushes-how-theyre-similar-yet-very https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/41362-crush-vs-squish/ https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/23290-squish/ LOL I feel like I am pretty passionate about the topic of squishes because they were the ONE THING that held me back from identifying as either aro or ace because I was all like, "No! I still feel attracted to certain people!" but then I actually thought about the particulars of my attraction and I was like oh....these really are not "crushes" at all. Also as I mentioned I tried dating one of my squishes because that is what I thought I was supposed to do, and it caused me a lot of anxiety, stress, guilt, and confusion. So yeah, squish awareness is important! Not all attraction has a sexual and/or romantic component! I think people of all orientations experience squishes to some degree
  21. Before I knew I was aro, my "crushes" would take up a lot of my mental capacity because I did not have the language to describe my end goal. I knew I was drawn to a particular person, but the thought of doing anything romantic or sexual (I'm aroace) with them just did not compute. So my crushes actually gave me a lot of anxiety because I had no idea what I was feeling. But something clicked when I discovered the word "squish." Some aros and aces do not prefer the term, but for me it really helps communicate an intense platonic attraction and admiration that is similar yet fundamentally different from a crush. Similarities (based on how I have heard people describe crushes): My squish becomes kind of a hobby. I fangirl over them. I admire them aesthetically. I am curious about their thoughts. I wish to be around them. I care about what they think of me. I feel a general sense of happiness that they exist in the world. I like to bask in their presence. Differences: Dating? Sex? No thanks. I would just like to be close friends. I am not jealous when they date other people - I just would like to make sure I can still spend time with them. Now that I think about it, my squishes resemble celebrity crushes without the romantic and sexual attraction lmaooo. Or they make me feel the same excitement I experience when I see a cute dog. I think that is also why I like the term "squish" bc I just want to squish them because they make me happy! It can also feel like admiring a painting that you find beautiful, and that resonates with you for some reason. As for describing squishes to non-aces and aros, I usually begin my describing the ways my squishes are similar to crushes. It helps when you start with an experience they understand. Then I get into what makes a squish different. Metaphors (like celebrity crushes, cute animals, and paintings lol) can also work well.
  22. I remember watching the Friends episode where Rachel goes on dates with herself and finding that idea incredibly appealing and refreshing. Of course, the plot eventually revealed she was actually miserable and in denial the entire time πŸ™„
  23. Hi guys! This article is not explicitly related to aromanticism, but I found this distinction super helpful as a way to understand how my behavior in potentially or explicitly romantic situations was an alert to genuine, deep-seated discomfort rather than just part of the nerves anyone (especially an inexperienced person) undergoes while dating. I think knowing the difference between these two sensations (excitement, or "butterflies" and anxiety, or "ugly butterflies") is really important for aros who attempt dating and maybe mistake their "ugly butterflies" for romantic attraction.
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