momokoala

The "friendzoning people is bad" mentality is real. ack. I am only just now having the self-respect and courage to reject people. I actually isolated myself for a while just because I knew that I couldn't handle "friendzoning" someone without feeling like the scum of the earth. I am also in a relationship and feel the same way. We have only been super serious for about 4-5 months. Before that we were kind of on and off, casual FWB for 2 years. Every day I feel less and less like myself. He is awesome and I appreciate him as a person and I feel connected to him, but this is not a good dynamic for me and I don't want to be the type of person who just stays in a relationship because it is convenient or because I fear hurting the other person.

My "crushes" were actually just admiration, but I expressed it similarly to allo-romantic girls because I figured they felt the same way and that's how you are suppose to express admiration. For instance, I thought it was so cool that Justin Bieber went from being a YouTube singer to being signed to a record label and becoming globally known. I was a Youtuber myself and saw his accomplishments as something to aspire to. I put his posters on my walls because other girls had posters of people on their walls, and I thought it was because of similar sentiment. Recently, I became super intrigued in the work of Space X and Tesla. I started listening to interviews of Elon Musk and started to develop a crush. THAT'S when I realized I mix up admiration and crushes. Once I was aware of the correlation, I was so embarrassed and realized that is definitely something I need to start distinguishing between. Could you imagine if I continued into the STEM field and started having crushes on well-educated professors? That is a line I'm not trying to accidentally cross due to my own emotional ineptitude. Also, it makes sense why I have stumbled into relationships with the people I have. I always admired them for one characteristic or another and wanted to channel in their energy.

I am still confused about my orientation, however for a while I have been really thinking I am aro. Looking back to my childhood, I do have a couple early signs. 1) It could be because I was raised by a single mom, but I never wanted to marry or have my own kids. 2) I always thought that being in love was a burden to your potential success or could become a crutch in general (the latter probably stemmed from action movies where the villain would capture the protagonists loved ones to manipulate them). 3) When I was 13, I had a crush on one of my friends, but when he said "I love you" or spoke romantically I got really grossed out. I did not like that he changed how he behaved around me and did not understand why we could not just act like super close friends. 4) I got into an online relationship when I was 14 which lasted about 3 years. That could have been a way to have a relationship like I thought I should, yet have some predetermined distance. 5) When I was 18 I started "dating" IRL and I was very confused because I had different pursuers who I liked equally. I became so emotionally overwhelmed because I wanted them both in my life and did not understand why romantic restrictions were making it so I had to pick one and kick the other out. I tried just being friends with both, but it got so awkward and weird. I felt like I was torturing them or something. However, after that, I kind of just accepted that's what people do and went with it. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time now accepting that I am aro, because for the past 3 years (I'm 21) I just mimicked what was expected of me which makes me pretty romantically experienced. Since I was a kid I always thought love would cure the world, so I always felt like I loved everyone. I cared deeply for people and I think I needed people to care deeply for me due to some childhood trauma, but now that I have grown up a bit more and am able to love myself, I realize the love was not romantic nor do I feel comfortable being in a situation where someone completely depends on me for emotional support. I know friends support each other all the time, but it is scary to me to think someone would function less efficiently or happily if I were not present and vice versa.