Are you afraid that you will change your mind/ have regrets?

[Holmbo]

I saw this topic come up in the aromantic confessions thread and I found it interesting. Several of you posted that you feel pressure to try being in a relationship to know for sure you want it and fear of changing your mind at some point and regretting not giving it a try sooner. I feel very similar to this, but about sex not romance. With romance I feel totally sure that I have no interest in it and never want it. And I wonder if that is because I didn't know about aromanticism for a long time and so I have had several relationships and always felt unnatural.

 

Do you think that giving "relationships a try" just to have tried it is something worth doing? Or is it just pointless and people should follow their instincts? I feel like no matter how many times I tried sex and didn't really enjoy it that much I'd still think that perhaps next time it would be different. Don't know if that comparison works.

 

Are you afraid of "missing out"?

[Untamed Heart]

I'm kind of the opposite - not that I felt pressured into having them, but I've had a few (lost count but less than 10?) and have decided it's not for me, since I usually end up feeling horrible for no reason and I'm better off by myself anyway. I don't really feel like I'm missing out, but I am kind of afraid someone will come along to change my mind, someone who doesn't make me feel like I want to run for the hills, because I still might not know how to "do" the relationship, if that makes any sense at all. Would feelings be enough to grease the wheels? I have no idea what I would actually want from a romantic partner. I have no needs or cravings that can't already be met by good friends, and I need a lot of space and autonomy.

That said, I think some people do "just know" they don't want romantic relationships, and others probably need the experience to help shape their own self understanding, and to see if that feeling is truly due to a lack of romantic interest or something else. It can be scary to find out you're not what or who you thought you were, but sometimes that can also be liberating and helpful, so if someone felt it would be good to try, fine

I hope that makes sense anyway. 

All that said, the fact that there is this 'push' for people who describe themselves as aromantic/asexual to do those things anyway (instead of people respecting their choices and feelings), because of viewpoints like "everyone needs sex and romance and if you don't you're a freak/I can fix you/stop trying to be special/I want to date you and I'll make you see how utterly fabulous I am and you'd be crazy to not like me back, stop pretending you don't want me" etc creeps me out on so many levels.

[Dodecahedron314]

In all honesty, no. I know that at least for me personally, the concept of being in a romantic relationship just makes absolutely no sense--there's just this sort of mental block to where I can't even comprehend the concept in relation to myself. Not only does it not compute, but I just get a giant, massively squicked-out NOPE whenever I try. Even the realization that I'm technically "in a relationship" (albeit nonromantic) with my QPP kind of threw me for a loop because of how utterly alien the concept is to my plane of existence, and I only really became okay with it when I realized retrospectively that it was just putting a name to a dynamic that had already existed for years. With something like romance where it's entirely this formal Hello Yes We Are Doing The Dating Thing Now And I Am Your Dateperson And You Are Also My Dateperson And We Do Dating-y Things That People Who Are Dating Do, it's just...no. The entire thing just strikes me as massively unnatural and awkward, and it's physically impossible for me to contemplate being in that sort of situation.

[paporomantic]

No, I'm not afraid of missing out on drugs.

[aussiekirkland]

I also didn't know I was aromantic for a long time, so I had no real reason to not give it a go. I was in two romantic relationships during that time and it felt so bad and unnatural I decided to give it a rest for a while, which was shortly before I found aromanticism. So yeah I've already given it a try, and now I'm even less likely to go in with an open mind. My only exception is if I ever feel romantic attraction, then I would try again. I'm still glad it happened though, because now I don't have to worry about "what if".

 

Sex is a bit different and really confusing right now because I've tried 3 times (the key word being try) and even when I was drunk I couldn't go through with it. So now I know I'd never have sex with a guy, but I currently have sexualish feelings for a girl and while I'm not actively seeking anything (apart from sensuality) I'm open enough to say whatever happens happens, unless I get any romantic vibes then I'm gone haha

[Holmbo]

4 hours ago, aussiekirkland said:

Sex is a bit different and really confusing right now because I've tried 3 times (the key word being try) and even when I was drunk I couldn't go through with it. So now I know I'd never have sex with a guy, but I currently have sexualish feelings for a girl and while I'm not actively seeking anything (apart from sensuality) I'm open enough to say whatever happens happens, unless I get any romantic vibes then I'm gone haha

 

I've thought about trying sexual stuff with a girl but I don't know how to express my potential interest
Does this girl show sexual interest in you too?

[NullVector]

17 hours ago, Holmbo said:

Do you think that giving "relationships a try" just to have tried it is something worth doing? Or is it just pointless and people should follow their instincts?

 

Tough question. On the one hand, sure, it makes sense that you wouldn't really know for sure your attitudes to romantic relationships until you'd directly experienced one. I have my instincts and hunches that I'm not inclined towards them, but I wouldn't claim to know for sure (as I've yet to have the direct experience). On the other hand, I'm really wary of stringing someone else along - using another person as a test subject to perform some sort of self-discovery experiment, rather than viewing them as a person with their own authentic needs and desires, different to my own - is kinda shitty IMO. Especially where i feel that it's unlikely we'll ultimately want the same things ('cos I don't think I want the typical things that many girls want: house together, kids, etc. and I don't want to waste their time, stringing them along, with them hoping all the while that I'll change my mind or grow to want those things - particularly at the age I'm at now, where women wanting kids may not have a whole lot of time to waste...).

Basically, I overthink everything horribly and am terrible at making any decision!  Reality is like this giant quantum wave-function  of possibilities laid out before me that I never want to collapse, for fear of getting it into the "wrong" state and not being able to put it back.

 

Also, one thing perhaps worth pointing out is that there can be differences between girls vs. guys in terms of how this "giving relationships a try" thing presents itself in practice. There's a gender normative expectation that men will be the ones initiating the relationship (e.g. by "asking the girl out"). I really don't want to get into the extent to which that difference is socially conditioned vs. innate here, but I do think it exists, to an extent. And to the extent that it does, there's a difference, i think, between being "asked out" as a girl (typically) and going "sure, why not give it a try?" vs. making the decision as a guy (typically) to actively "ask out" the girl. In the latter case, you've made much more of a definite decision in the direction of actively cultivating a romantic relationship. That wave-function has been well and truly collapsed! So it's possible that somebody who is pretty undecided or confused about romantic relationships in general (yet also isn't looking for "casual sex") is far less likely, as a guy, to end up in a situation where they get to give one a try. Maybe  

 

16 hours ago, Dodecahedron314 said:

With something like romance where it's entirely this formal Hello Yes We Are Doing The Dating Thing Now And I Am Your Dateperson And You Are Also My Dateperson And We Do Dating-y Things That People Who Are Dating Do, it's just...no. The entire thing just strikes me as massively unnatural and awkward, and it's physically impossible for me to contemplate being in that sort of situation.

 

Hah. Yeah, I kind of feel that way about dating too. I've never felt strongly motivated enough to try it (and found plenty of excuses to not try it!). Despite my really wanting sex and various forms of intimacy with another (female) person. It's another example of a situation you have to actively put yourself in, too. Dating as a social activity kind of screams to me, given all the amatonormative expectations built up around it "I AM LOOKING FOR A CONVENTIONAL ROMANTIC PARTNER!" A person (male or female, in this case) inclined to go "but wait a minute, am I?" is much less likely to put themselves into that situation.

 

 

17 hours ago, Holmbo said:

Are you afraid of "missing out"?

 

Yes.  But I'm more afraid of badly hurting someone else, to get something I then realise I never wanted in the first place.

[Kojote]

Oh boy, where to even begin. 
So, I've never been in a relationship. Some people were easy to turn down, because I had 0 interest in them to begin with, but others... not so much. I tried really hard to push and rationalize myself into a relationship, but no matter what I told myself, at the end of the day my head just screamed "NOOOOOOO DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS NOOOO PLEASE NO!" in a loop and I wasn't even able to successfully start one  I didn't even know about aromanticism until I was 22/23 and I sure couldn't get myself to give relationships a try at all before that!

 

So no, I have little doubts that I'm aro as fuck even though I never dated and I'm generally comfortable with that. I don't think you have to try, before you're sure. Heteros don't generally have to try to know so why would other orientations have to do that? That being said, I don't relish being "the odd one out" at all.  I do want meaningful connections with people that last a lifetime and aren't inferior to anything else, just because they aren't romantic and we can't be family because of that... I do want to try out sex with a girl I trust not to be in love with me. I do want to cuddle with someone and game and be silly and get in fights with and drink beer in the evening (that someone not necessarily tight down to "one person only")... So I sometimes catch myself thinking that, if romance is the only way I can have someone stay with me, I should maybe just try harder at the THING with the feelings and stuff and maybe if I try hard enough and give it enough shots, maybe one day it'll be enough...

But I'll probably never follow through with that thought... I'm done trying to push myself into relationships I never wanted in the first place. And I sure as hell don't want to use my romantic friends to test something I don't have to put to the test in the first place. A dear friend of mine was in love with me for years, but he was able to move on, find a sweet girl and life the live he wanted. They even have a kid on the way already! Imagine what would have happened if I used him for "testing"... Me, not knowing that I'm aro and confused and self-hating with a distaste for romantic gestures and a phobia for pregnancy. Him, very much a romantic with the whole valentine routine and someone who wanted kids and a domestic life. He, being older than me, already "feeling the clock ticking on his life plans".... We would've royally fucked each other up, so the cost's of testing far outweighs the benefits of saying "I've tried and failed"... at least to me they do... am I even making sense? |D"

 

[aussiekirkland]

6 hours ago, Holmbo said:

 

I've thought about trying sexual stuff with a girl but I don't know how to express my potential interest
Does this girl show sexual interest in you too?

I'm almost certain (thanks to my trusty intuition) but I'm terrified of being wrong, because I've known her for a very long time and we're really close friends.

[mikeman7918]

Lately I have been fearing that my aversion to romance may just be fear.  There is no doubt that I'm afraid of being in a relationship, I just don't know if that's a result of aromanticism, if I'm just mistaking that for aromanticism, or if they are just two unrelated things.  I might be missing out and accidentally using aromanticism as an excuse to avoid stuff that terrifies me but is ultimately good for me.

[DeMorgan]

I feel that someone truly aromantic would never need to choose to not feel as if they want to be in a relationship.

 

1 hour ago, mikeman7918 said:

Lately I have been fearing that my aversion to romance may just be fear.  There is no doubt that I'm afraid of being in a relationship, I just don't know if that's a result of aromanticism, if I'm just mistaking that for aromanticism, or if they are just two unrelated things.  I might be missing out and accidentally using aromanticism as an excuse to avoid stuff that terrifies me but is ultimately good for me.

If you want to investigate whether your aversion is inherent to your personality or caused by other means, I would suggest that you start be examining what exactly you mean by 'aversion'.  Is it a noncomittal indifference, a visceral reaction, or something else entirely?

[Hey you in the corner]

I tried the dating thing. All it did was make me highly annoyed with my ex, which wasn't his fault, and increased my depression. I'm much happier being single. 

[mikeman7918]

5 hours ago, DeMorgan said:

If you want to investigate whether your aversion is inherent to your personality or caused by other means, I would suggest that you start be examining what exactly you mean by 'aversion'.  Is it a noncomittal indifference, a visceral reaction, or something else entirely?

When I was first wondering if I was aromantic the main deciding factor was this one "relationship" was in about 2 years ago (we were never officially a couple).  I am very socially awkward and when I look back on that there are a lot of things that make me cringe.  Eventually she decided to end it and I was actually kind of relieved (which could be because I didn't really open up to her), certainly a big "learning experience".  I was never really attracted to her and I never really felt anything for her, I was mostly just doing what I thought I had to do to be normal.

 

When I think of romance my emotional response is fear, and that was true back then too.  It's hard to tell if I would have any interest in it if that weren't the case.  Because of my various mental disorders I would not be an easy person to be in a relationship with, and I would probably be super paranoid that they are actually just tolerating my existence.  I also think that kissing is gross but that probably has more to do with my asexuality, and I'm kind of touch adverse so I would also most likely hate hugging, hand holding, and cuddling.  If I turn out to not be aromantic then it would take a very special kind of person to want to be with me.

[NullVector]

10 hours ago, mikeman7918 said:

Lately I have been fearing that my aversion to romance may just be fear.  There is no doubt that I'm afraid of being in a relationship, I just don't know if that's a result of aromanticism, if I'm just mistaking that for aromanticism, or if they are just two unrelated things.  I might be missing out and accidentally using aromanticism as an excuse to avoid stuff that terrifies me but is ultimately good for me.

 

I've been wondering the same thing myself, since I stumbled upon the term 'aromantic'. I think you've articulated it really well here  

 

Might be worth considering what aspects of a relationship would make you anxious or afraid? For me, I'm anxious/afraid of having a lot of obligations placed on me. For instance, I like having the freedom to leave my days off work totally open-ended. If I feel like lying in bed all morning and reading philosophy or science fiction books, I can totally do that. But with partners thrown into the mix, and especially kids, tons of other responsibilities would likely come along, making days like that no longer possible. I presume there are other benefits that come along instead, ones that most 'normals' would consider outweigh the things you have to sacrifice? But I guess I've never really seen it that way, so I've never actively tried to get into a relationship; to some extent out of fear that I'd have to give up on some solitary activities that I really value and also just not really feeling intrinsically compelled to try, for whatever reason. I could see myself ending up feeling totally trapped and suffocated and, once other people are involved (and again, especially kids) not really being able to extricate myself from the situation without causing a lot of suffering in the process. If I did end up in a relationship, I reckon it would have to be with someone that gave me a ton of personal autonomy - to the extent that outsiders may not even realise it was a relationship at all . I don't rate my odds of finding someone like that very highly, but who knows?

 

The interesting question for me now is whether or not to try and overcome those fears. I'm not sure if I want to! The fear might be a useful fear - telling me not to participate in an activity that could have negative consequences for my health and happiness (as in, fear of romance could be like a fear of snakes, or tigers, or dark alleyways . Totally rational for self-preservation and not something it would necessarily make sense to overcome). It sounds like you may want to overcome these fears, as you wrote that romance may be "ultimately good for me" . But for me, what is really hard to disentangle here is whether that sense that it would be "good for you" is coming from a deep inner need you actually feel, or from a shit-ton of social conditioning that says you ought to want it and you are BAD and BROKEN if you don't. Only you can answer that! Good luck  

[aussiekirkland]

3 minutes ago, NullVector said:

The fear might be a useful fear - telling me not to participate in an activity that could have negative consequences for my health and happiness (as in, fear of romance could be like a fear of snakes, or tigers, or dark alleyways . Totally rational for self-preservation and not something it would necessarily make sense to overcome).

I can agree with this. I've always had a fear of romance, both before and after pursuing relationships. I initially thought that fear was "butterflies" and nerves but now I understand it was my body telling me not to put myself in that situation.

[NullVector]

22 minutes ago, aussiekirkland said:

I've always had a fear of romance, both before and after pursuing relationships. I initially thought that fear was "butterflies" and nerves but now I understand it was my body telling me not to put myself in that situation.

Oh God yes, I can totally relate to that! 

I remember this one time, it was at our high school 'prom' actually (omg, so cliche!!) and a GIRL asked me to DANCE . And, if I remember right, the whole flight-or-flight adrenaline-dump thing totally kicked in for me, big-time - my body was just screaming ABORT! ABORT! So, yeah, I totally handled that interaction smoothly 

 

I felt really bad abut my reaction afterwards (as well as being surprised and confused by it) 'cos I think I really embarrassed her, and she might have actually liked me  (plus it takes guts for a girl to go against the gender norms and ask a guy - I totally respect that and more girls should do it!). But hey, I was just a stupid awkward kid at the time, so I suppose I can forgive myself (well, now I'm a stupid awkward adult instead, hah)

[Mikasa]

I'm 25 and I've never had a relationship. I've tried going on some dates (thinking maybe I just need to meet the right person...), but anything more than that? Nah. Just the thought of that feels absurd to me. Sometimes people talk about their relationship and said 'it just kind of happened', but seriously, how? Sometimes I'm tired of being the odd one out and I wonder if I should try harder, but I'm not sure if it's worth the effort.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

On 12/2/2016 at 0:28 PM, Holmbo said:

Are you afraid of "missing out"?

 

This question comes back to haunt me every so often as well. I went to a company holiday party last Friday and practically everyone there is coupled up. These events seem to have an opposite effect on me of making me feel more lonely, instead of less lonely. Being the odd one out is very tough sometimes. It makes me wonder if I am indeed missing out.

 

I think that we can start to imagine that a relationship with a certain person might be amazing. But in reality, it comes with a lot of hard work and conflict too. I've only been in one relationship, and only for about three months, but I remember how stifling it was for me. As others have said above, it felt unnatural. It felt wrong. Not morally wrong, but awkward, like putting on a sweater a couple of sizes too small.

 

On the one hand, I am glad that I pushed myself to find that relationship because it helped me realize it's really not something I want. But on the other hand, the breakup was very painful. I did the breakage, and she was very upset. I haven't talked to her since, so I don't know just how bad it was for her. Maybe I am exaggerating it all.

 

So, you have to weigh this out. If you get involved in romance, the other person may get extremely attached to you. It's not easy to just back away at the drop of a hat. It's not a risk free endeavor. But, we shouldn't avoid everything in life just because it's risky either. You have to decide for yourself if the benefits outweigh the risks. If you are truly curious about it, then it's probably worth a try. If you have zero desire to try out romance, then it probably isn't for you.

 

Also, sometimes people like to use a rather silly analogy. "I know I don't need to try meth to know I don't want to have it". But we all know that meth is purely harmful to the addict. Romance on the other hand, is very beneficial to a lot of people in this world.

 

Hmm, I may have just convinced myself to give it another go.... Nahh!!!

[Kojote]

16 hours ago, Mikasa said:

 

I'm 25 and I've never had a relationship. I've tried going on some dates (thinking maybe I just need to meet the right person...), but anything more than that? Nah. Just the thought of that feels absurd to me. Sometimes people talk about their relationship and said 'it just kind of happened', but seriously, how? Sometimes I'm tired of being the odd one out and I wonder if I should try harder, but I'm not sure if it's worth the effort.

 

 

Yeah, this sums it up pretty well for me (26 here). Been on dates, felt awful. A friend of mine told me once, that she just agreed to date someone and fell in love afterwards and that confused the shit out of of me. It kind off made sense in my head, since I never felt any attraction towards anyone on the first try and I thought that maybe that's just how everybody does it... but nope. It still doesn't work that way and I'm tired by now.

[aussiekirkland]

20 minutes ago, Kojote said:

 

Yeah, this sums it up pretty well for me (26 here). Been on dates, felt awful. A friend of mine told me once, that she just agreed to date someone and fell in love afterwards and that confused the shit out of of me. It kind off made sense in my head, since I never felt any attraction towards anyone on the first try and I thought that maybe that's just how everybody does it... but nope. It still doesn't work that way and I'm tired by now.

That rarely works. I gave it 9 months and I still never developed secondary attraction. Secondary attraction isn't some sort of give it a while garuantee (which is why I think a lot of Demi's get annoyed when others imply that). So yeah, I can't understand it either.

[Mark]

On 03/12/2016 at 10:28 AM, NullVector said:

Also, one thing perhaps worth pointing out is that there can be differences between girls vs. guys in terms of how this "giving relationships a try" thing presents itself in practice. There's a gender normative expectation that men will be the ones initiating the relationship (e.g. by "asking the girl out"). I really don't want to get into the extent to which that difference is socially conditioned vs. innate here, but I do think it exists, to an extent. And to the extent that it does, there's a difference, i think, between being "asked out" as a girl (typically) and going "sure, why not give it a try?" vs. making the decision as a guy (typically) to actively "ask out" the girl. In the latter case, you've made much more of a definite decision in the direction of actively cultivating a romantic relationship. That wave-function has been well and truly collapsed! So it's possible that somebody who is pretty undecided or confused about romantic relationships in general (yet also isn't looking for "casual sex") is far less likely, as a guy, to end up in a situation where they get to give one a try. Maybe  

They could be looking for something more along the lines of a "sexual friendship"...

Asking for something you don't actually want is likely to be difficult for any sane human.
Recently heard that there appear to be different cognitive processes involved in the roles of asker and askee.
 

It's something I've experienced a lot. Since whilst I'm primarily an askee type person the social expectation is often that I should be asker. Found this be a source of frustration since being a child.

[Mark]

13 hours ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

This question comes back to haunt me every so often as well. I went to a company holiday party last Friday and practically everyone there is coupled up. These events seem to have an opposite effect on me of making me feel more lonely, instead of less lonely. Being the odd one out is very tough sometimes. It makes me wonder if I am indeed missing out.

I can find that coupled people (even if not with their partner) just don't seem to see the world the same way as me.
Certainly feel that I'm missing out on lots of things. Whilst not not wanting things in a coupley type "package". What I more want is friendship which allows for things like touching, kissing, stroking, sex, etc, etc.

 

13 hours ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

Also, sometimes people like to use a rather silly analogy. "I know I don't need to try meth to know I don't want to have it". But we all know that meth is purely harmful to the addict. Romance on the other hand, is very beneficial to a lot of people in this world.

Maybe go with something which can be harmful to only some people. Such as amylopectin, peanuts, lactose, alpha S1-casein and so on.

[NullVector]

5 hours ago, Mark said:

They could be looking for something more along the lines of a "sexual friendship"...

 

Asking for something you don't actually want is likely to be difficult for any sane human.

 

Yeah, I think my issue there is that (until recently, since I've been thinking about it a lot more) I wasn't really sure what I wanted. I had a vague sense of something not sitting right with me when it came to wanting the conventional options vis-a-vis 'relationships', but hadn't realized that the unconventional options even existed and were things you could want... (due primarily, perhaps, to an ongoing lack of any 'positive role models' in my life that were wanting and/or practicing said unconventional options, I guess. my friends and family are great, but they're fairly conventional people, relationship-wise).

 

You're right though - I should try asking for what I actually want! (although I'm still in the process of figuring out what that is!)

 

5 hours ago, Mark said:

Recently heard that there appear to be different cognitive processes involved in the roles of asker and askee.

 

Ooh, go on, what have you heard? I'm interested in hearing it too  (I've also found that I generally identify more with and tend to assume the role of the 'askee')

 

EDIT this may tie in with the Myers-Briggs type models of cognitive processes? Judging vs. Perceiving functions is what I'm thinking of, in this specific case...

[Ettina]

Saying "I'm an X" doesn't constitute a promise that you'll always be that, or that you'll behave like that even if your feelings change. I hesitated to say definitely that I'm asexual for years, thinking "what if I start feeling sexual feelings in the future?". But then I decided that if that future comes, I'll reassess. There's no need to angst about it now.

As for trying something to see if you'll like it, if you're genuinely unsure, go ahead. But there are loads of things that are so unappealing that you don't need to try them. My Dad's favorite comeback to that claim is "How do you know you're not into beastiality? Maybe you just haven't met the right sheep."

The fact is that we have pretty strong imaginations, and we can simulate lots of situations we've never been in. You don't necessarily need to try an actual romance, if trying out romance in your imagination gives you a clear answer.

[SoulWolf]

15 hours ago, Ettina said:

My Dad's favorite comeback to that claim is "How do you know you're not into beastiality? Maybe you just haven't met the right sheep."

I want to hit the like button a hundred times for this. I am so going to use this.

 

I 'quit' relationships after my first one, technically... but then made 2 "exceptions", because it seemed like a good idea at the time. But it wasn't, really (apparently I was doing it wrong anyway). It happened because I'd already let down all my guard barriers for the first one... because that seemed like a good idea at the time, too. And then later there was this friend of mine who I thought was really awesome, so I figured I'd make another exception for him... but that never materialized. Then I found out about aromanticism, so then I quit making exceptions too. I have no regrets though. The only thing I'd still like is some kind of QPP. I'm pretty sure I'm not romantic material.