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ever been on a date without knowing?


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I wanted to know any of you has ever accidentally been on a date with a friend without realizing what he/she/they had in mind? Because I did!

we were both studying music at college, and we went to one of our teacher's show in a jazz bar... twice... and everything was cool until I realized that he wasn't actually getting closer to me because he “couldn't see the show very well”... And then I realized how much I hate the idea of being on a date and of having someone a bit too close to me xD

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Once a dude invited me to hang out at the shops with him, alone. I have no idea if that was a date, but I didn't even consider it at the time. This was before I realised romantic attraction was a thing (I was 17).

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I've been to movies and cafes and stuff with male friends. I'm not sure what my friend thought at the time, but back then he didn't know I was aro. (Or ace, really, but I think he assumes aro means ace and I've not had that discussion with him.)

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Moved to Aromantic Relationships.

(unless another mod thinks aro discussion is best for this)

 

Thankfully this has never happened to me... I don't think. I've always kept pretty quiet and to myself and done very little to make friends :P

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I used to think this was a thing that only happens in movies, and I wish I still do.

 

It wasn't actually going out on a date without knowing, but I was asked on a date without actually being asked to go on a date. It was my birthday and a friend and housemate of mine was going to go with me to see a performance. Morning of, he gave me a birthday card and asked if I wanted to go eat out before the performance. Maybe I should have picked up on him being extra shy, but I didn't think anything of it because we hung out together all the time... then when I said 'sure' I clearly said it in a way which showed I hadn't got it because he was like "In a 'I'm asking you out' sort of way"... And things have never stopped being arkward since.

 

So anyone allo reading this thread, for god's sake please specify you're asking for a date.

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I haven't, but I'm always super careful with my wording 'cause I'm concerned I'm going to ask my friend to the movies or something and they'll think I'm asking them out. Worse yet, we could be halfway through the movie when I realize what they thought was going on O_O

 

It's like my worst nightmare.

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11 hours ago, Spud said:

I haven't, but I'm always super careful with my wording 'cause I'm concerned I'm going to ask my friend to the movies or something and they'll think I'm asking them out. Worse yet, we could be halfway through the movie when I realize what they thought was going on O_O

 

It's like my worst nightmare.

If in doubt, you can always explicitly say "as friends."

My (male) friend asked me out to Homecoming (the dance)  in high school, and he made it clear we were going as friends, and we had a great time together. :D

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14 hours ago, RedNeko said:

I used to think this was a thing that only happens in movies, and I wish I still do.

 

It wasn't actually going out on a date without knowing, but I was asked on a date without actually being asked to go on a date. It was my birthday and a friend and housemate of mine was going to go with me to see a performance. Morning of, he gave me a birthday card and asked if I wanted to go eat out before the performance. Maybe I should have picked up on him being extra shy, but I didn't think anything of it because we hung out together all the time... then when I said 'sure' I clearly said it in a way which showed I hadn't got it because he was like "In a 'I'm asking you out' sort of way"... And things have never stopped being arkward since.

 

So anyone allo reading this thread, for god's sake please specify you're asking for a date.

haha yeah, I totally miss that old “wan't to go on a date with me?” thing! My romantic friends say it's silly and childish, but I think it's a lot more direct and clear! It would save everyone so much awkward moments xD

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C-O-N-S-T-A-N-T-L-Y!

"Wanna have a chat?" Sure! 

"Let's have a coffe some time" With pleasure!

"Shall we take a stroll?" Yeah, why not?

When did these innocent activities become DATES?!

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10 minutes ago, Lume said:

When did these innocent activities become DATES?!

 

my thing is like

 

why do these activities have to be romantically coded?????cant we get a coffee and take a stroll and whatever??why does it have to be roMAAANtic? :|  

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Just now, peridotty said:

why do these activities have to be romantically coded?????cant we get a coffee and take a stroll and whatever??why does it have to be roMAAANtic?

 

Well, that's the problem: same here, which is why I accepted in the first place. I didn't get that code, and it resulted in people accusing me for being rude and "changing my mind out of a sudden".

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A few times. I had this older friend, he was a TA in one of my uni courses, and we became friends. He brought up dating twice in the first two years we knew each other, and I always made it clear I wasn't interested in more than friendship. We kept in touch even when I finished uni and moved away, and then he got a teaching job at the university near where I live now. Since he was in town once a week we would meet a lot and have dinner together, go to a movie, go on a walk and talk, stuff like that. I really enjoyed it, until he asked me out again and wouldn't take no for an answer, and I realized he thought of all those times as dates. Suffice to say, we aren't friends anymore.

 

Another incredibly awkward thing that happened to me was that I had this couple I was friends with. The guy was in my major and we were part of the same group of friends, and his girlfriend would tag along a lot and I became good friends with both of them. I would go over to their place a lot, we'd cook dinner together and have movie nights and it was really great. Because we both really liked video games and she didn't, we would sometimes have gaming nights when she was out with her friends (she was totally okay with it). At some point I started to get a weird vibe from him - he would ask me really weird questions and stuff - but I ignored it because they were together for five years and I thought I was imagining it. And then he broke up with here, for me, because "there was something between us". I have never felt more uncomfortable in my life, and I cut off all ties with him. I don't think he told her, though, because I stayed friends with her for a while after and we even ended up being roommates for a year.

 

I'm actually really good at setting boundaries right off the bat, but sometimes people don't get the message or just ignore them.

On 5/20/2016 at 3:25 PM, Lume said:

 

Well, that's the problem: same here, which is why I accepted in the first place. I didn't get that code, and it resulted in people accusing me for being rude and "changing my mind out of a sudden".

 

I've had that happen a few times. It really sucks. I get along better with men, usually, and so these things happen even if you make it clear you're "just friends" at the beginning. And that's just sad, because things like this can ruin a great friendship if the other side can't take a rejection well.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Oh my god it's so awkward. I had a friend back in high school (in my various posts you'll find me mentioning him in reference to this issue) that I thought was a great friend but then we went to the movies together and like lunch and stuff a few times and I didn't find out until way, way later that he thought those were dates??? And I thought we were just doing fun stuff together as friends??? I don't understand these things, and I doubt I ever will. It sounds juvenile I guess, but I feel like it's better to be up front about your intent when asking someone on an outing. "Want to go on a date" is something I think is good to say, otherwise i'm going to assume it's as friends.

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I once decided to give a box of sweets to a pair of very intelligent female colleagues (one elderly but good-looking and one young but still a few years elder than me) as a token of my appreciation of their work. They didn't take it immediately but told me to bring it to their hotel room in the evening. When I came, it turned out that the elder one had gone to a birthday party, and the younger one was alone and wearing a nightdress. I offered to wait outside to give her time to dress more officially, but she declined. We proceeded to just drink tea and then go for a walk.

 

It wasn't intended as a date on my side, but I don't know what she was thinking. It might as well have been intended as an aro hangout by both sides :icecream: (though I did intend a romantic follow-up later as I thought at the time that I was straight as a ruler).

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Oh yes. A guy I met on a festival asked me to come and visit him in the city all the time. I usually said no, but well, he asked me out on a movie were a friend of mine and her current boyfriend were going to anyway (I was good friends with both of them), so I thought "oh well what the heck, maybe he'll stop asking me afterwards. Plus we're four people so he can't possibly take it as a date".

Well I thought wrong. He took it as a double date and I desperately tried to convince him otherwise by giving him subtle cues. I didn't let him pay for anything, only talked about the movie and way more to my friends than him. Until today, I'm not sure if he realized anything. Pretty sure though, that he still counted it as me "being interested", cause he sure didn't stop bugging me afterwards to "come by sometime". Even though I clearly stated, that I'm not interested in him as a person at all.

Much MUCH later he told me that "Yes, he heard me, but he knew he was hot so he kept trying"........

.........  

It doesn't happen all the time, but some romantic people can be really dense when it comes to rejections...

 

Fun thing is, at that time I didn't even identify as being aro xD"

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17 minutes ago, Kojote said:

Plus we're four people so he can't possibly take it as a date

 

Had you really ever heard about the concept of a 'double date'?

 

When someone is going out with a couple, they often seek a fourth person to accompany them so that the single member of the initial trio doesn't get bored while the couple is making out :euphemism:

 

Moreover, setting up a double date is thought to be helpful when the fourth invited person wouldn't agree for a one-on-one date with the single member of the trio (e.g. because of the fear of rape).

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8 minutes ago, aroMa(n)tisse said:

 

Have you ever heard about the concept of a 'double date'?

 

When someone is going out with a couple, they often seek a fourth person to accompany them so that the single member of the initial trio doesn't get bored while the couple is making out :euphemism:

 

Yes I did, but I never considered that. You see I was friends with the couple. We already went out, just the three of us, I talked to her about science and to him about cartoon shows xD. To me, the guy that asked me out was the "extra" who tacked along. Guess I was a bit to blind back then |D" 

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