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You might be aro if...

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...you think your "romance" roleplay with a fellow friend was simply writing "attachment issues for the sake of angst" and learn that according to her, you weren't exaggerating things but everything happened in plot was Very Real And Normal Romantic Things And Not Attachment Issues Or Mental Health Problems.

 

I still low key don't believe that. Lies, all liiiiies.

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.....You would rather pull your own toenails out than watch anything described as A Romantic Comedy

.....The thought of sharing a bedroom (let alone a bed) fills you with horror

 

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46 minutes ago, Blackthorn said:

.....You would rather pull your own toenails out than watch anything described as A Romantic Comedy

Have you ever seen a British RomCom from the late 90s/2000s? They make you question if your time on earth is necessary considering you waste it on stuff like that.

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On 2016-4-8 at 3:42 AM, hippiesthop said:

Dated someone because you felt like you were supposed to.

 

Literally all of my experimentation was this..

 

YMBAI when reading a book, a romantic/romo-tense situation comes up and you laugh at the characters involved, thinking it ridiculous or juvenile

On 27/05/2016 at 0:14 AM, Quinoa said:

YMBAI you don't understand why tiny things like holding hands are so important to many people (The Beatles wrote an ENTIRE song about holding hands!). 

YMBAI it took you awhile to realize it's easy for most people to tell if they have a crush on someone. 

..they did? But why o_0

 

Ahh.. You've just made me realise how Aro I am..

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(Applying to women who DO experience sexual attraction)

 

If when having sex, you don't care about matching your underwear (colour-wise), or wearing make-up during the hot time, or anything similar. Good hygiene and taking care of yourself is all that matters.

 

And the music genre you like listening to when having sex is trance/house xD. 

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On 08/04/2016 at 11:06 AM, Cassiopeia said:

You might be aro if you mistook sexual, aesthetic or sensual attraction for a crush.

 

You might be aro if you thought romantic feelings described by others must be exaggerated.

 

You might be aro if you never notice when someone has a crush on you, unless someone points it out to you.

 

You might be aro if you broke somebody's heart by accident, even without realizing it, simply because you underestimated the intensity of their feelings.

 

You might be aro if you felt suffocated and overwhelmed in a romantic relationship.

 

You might be aro if the pet names people gave to their partners, always felt artificial and ridiculous to you.

All of the above D: Being on this site really makes me realise how Aro I am.. I had previously assumed it was just part of being Ace.

 

YMBAI you can never tell if someone is hitting on you.. unless they're so obvious that it's basically just a proposition

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When you think kissing is so weird cause like ur pressing ur face holes against each other and its supposed to be pleasant wtf?

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If to you, hearing people call their partners pet names/terms of endearment (baby, sweetheart, honey - the equivalents in my language sound even more awkward), and say "I love you" every 10 minutes in irrelevant contexts is sheer mental torture. 

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3 hours ago, arorocks said:

When you think kissing is so weird cause like ur pressing ur face holes against each other and its supposed to be pleasant wtf?

I like kissing.
Though  "kiss repulsion" does seem to come up quite frequently in aro forums. Possibly more common amongst aro aces, but there are some aro allo people whoe experience it.
 

1 hour ago, Ice Queen said:

If to you, hearing people call their partners pet names/terms of endearment (baby, sweetheart, honey - the equivalents in my language sound even more awkward), and say "I love you" every 10 minutes in irrelevant contexts is sheer mental torture. 

Especially when doing so without any affectionate behaviour.
Though often the terms themselves make little sense to direct towards another adult. e.g. "baby"...
On the other hand I can find it difficult to say "I love you" to anyone. Because of this over use in romance. Having to find alternative phrases such such as "I care about you"; "I'll be there for you"; etc.

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3 minutes ago, Mark said:


On the other hand I can find it difficult to say "I love you" to anyone. Because of this over use in romance. Having to find alternative phrases such such as "I care about you"; "I'll be there for you"; etc.

Or "I love you, but I'm NOT in love with you". 

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6 minutes ago, Mark said:

On the other hand I can find it difficult to say "I love you" to anyone. Because of this over use in romance. Having to find alternative phrases such such as "I care about you"; "I'll be there for you"; etc.

 

YES! THIS! I always felt this real resistance to saying "I love you" and couldn't figure it out (this was long before I read about the split-attraction model or anything like it).

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56 minutes ago, Ice Queen said:

Or "I love you, but I'm NOT in love with you". 

There's a couple of problems with how people can perceive this.
The first is that they may ignore the "but..." part.
The second is that saying "NOT x" means that people will think about "x". (Even to the point that parts of their brains can ignore the "NOT" part.)

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On 4/8/2016 at 0:47 PM, hippiesthop said:

Alternatively, assumed you were bi or pan because you felt equally towards all genders.

Me in one sentence 

 

but anyway 

 

YMBAI you don't experience romantic attraction cause you know that's the definition of aromantic.

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2 hours ago, NullVector said:
2 hours ago, Mark said:

On the other hand I can find it difficult to say "I love you" to anyone. Because of this over use in romance. Having to find alternative phrases such such as "I care about you"; "I'll be there for you"; etc.

 

YES! THIS! I always felt this real resistance to saying "I love you" and couldn't figure it out (this was long before I read about the split-attraction model or anything like it).

I went so far as to absolutely despise the word "love" when I was younger. I would cringe everytime someone said it, and there was no chance in hell I would say the word. I still try to avoid using the word as much as I can nowadays. Although I no longer despise it.

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22 hours ago, Mark said:

Though  "kiss repulsion" does seem to come up quite frequently in aro forums. Possibly more common amongst aro aces, but there are some aro allo people whoe experience it.

I find this very, very strange myself, though it has gotten much better since I try to approach romance more calmly and rationally and know why I really feel this way.

 

And even alloromantics sometimes have “kiss repulsion” if they have sex non-romantically.

Also “no kissing” is not unheard of as a rule in fwb relationships, as a precaution against developing romantic feelings.


I don't know how just sensual kissing “untainted” by romance (especially of the kind I experienced, which just burned me :D) would feel like. Maybe I would like it then... at least in my imagination it seems so.

22 hours ago, Mark said:

On the other hand I can find it difficult to say "I love you" to anyone. Because of this over use in romance. Having to find alternative phrases such such as "I care about you"; "I'll be there for you"; etc.

At least in English (similarly as in Dutch) you can say “I love you” (“ik hou van jou”) and it's not necessarily romantic (aside from the context, only the tone of voice makes it romantic). In many other languages this is not the case: “te amo”, “je t'aime” (okay, I guess in Belgium you could use this non-romantically, but not in France), “ich liebe dich” etc. are all clear-cut romantic (the non-romantic versions would be “te quiero”, “je t'aime bien”, “ich habe dich lieb”), this makes it even more difficult, lol.

22 hours ago, NullVector said:

YES! THIS! I always felt this real resistance to saying "I love you" and couldn't figure it out (this was long before I read about the split-attraction model or anything like it).

Same thing with me. At best I can feel about this phrase like “saying something strange that makes somebody insanely happy” (like if I was in a romantic relationship where I laid my cards on the table :D). At worst I find it like cringe-level 9000.

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Most of the times I've told partners I loved them, I didn't feel like I meant it or I wondered if I really did (because at least one of them said I didn't love him, but wouldn't explain when I explicitly asked what he meant or what love actually was - he just said it wasn't what I thought it was. Yeah, that was really helpful to someone trying to figure things out 9_9). But I know I feel and mean it if I tell friends/family (not often, because I also feel some resistance to saying it, but at least I don't feel like I'm lying when I do say it).

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On 4/8/2016 at 4:47 AM, hippiesthop said:

Alternatively, assumed you were bi or pan because you felt equally towards all genders.

That's just funny, but you can also achieve confusions that seriously mess up your head. Brace yourself for TMI that I probably shouldn't post.

Spoiler

At one point, after spending a wonderful day with my sister, I had convinced myself that I had fallen in love with her (reality: strong squish), which was very disturbing.

 

Luckily, I am not asexual, so I could be absolutely sure that I did not experience sexual attraction to her.

 

Incestuous couples had some strange interest for me since then, I thought those extreme cases could help me to understand romantic love. After some hard thinking about it, I once again felt that I had finally figured it all out: “Romantic love is a form of ritual for virtue signalling, to show how much lovers care for each other as friends and that it isn't just about sex. But as the abundance of breakups shows: in reality it just is about this mainly.”. Epistemic meltdown...

 

And please: my interest was purely intellectual, I don't have a fetish for it or something like this.

 

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Having this one word "Love" is super unhelpful, IMO. The Ancient Greeks were much more sensible about it. Philia, Storge, Agape, Eros. There I guess you could actually be reasonably clear about what you meant when you said "I love you". A bit like this popular notion that the Inuit have a bunch of different words for "snow". I think this also accounts for a fair amount of my resistance. I really don't like the idea of telling people lies - and ambiguously communicated intent is almost as bad. When I say "I love you" what do I actually mean? Outside of a lot of context, it's pretty meaningless - even then, there's scope to have what I'm meaning by it misconstrued by the other person. Kind of like when people tell you that they believe in God. Well, it generally takes a long follow-up conversation to tease out what they actually mean by that - and afterwards, you may still not really be sure you've understood one another.

 

I'm fine with telling someone that I: like them, enjoy their company, would miss them if they weren't around, get a lot out of our conversations, want the best for them, their happiness is important to me, they have made me a better person, etc. But that I love them? Nah, I don't like it. It just feels somehow inauthenitc. As if you've just given me some phrase in Urdu to repeat back to you, where I have literally no idea what it means ("saying strange things" as @DeltaV put it).

 

Also, there is often an emotional intensity, rawness and invasiveness coming along for the ride when people start talking about "love" that generally makes me uncomfortable. As if you're touching an open wound, like in this scene*. 

 

*Plus I don't really like what Karen Allen says there about caring more for someone else than you do for yourself - I don't think that's a secure basis for love.

The Buddha had an interesting take on this, incidentally:

Spoiler

I have heard that on one occasion the Blessed One was staying near Sāvatthī at Jeta's Grove, Anāthapiṇḍika's monastery. And on that occasion King Pasenadi Kosala had gone with Queen Mallikā to the upper palace. Then he said to her, "Mallikā, is there anyone dearer to you than yourself?"

 

"No, great king. There is no one dearer to me than myself. And what about you, great king? Is there anyone dearer to you than yourself?"

 

"No, Mallikā. There is no one dearer to me than myself."

 

Then the king, descending from the palace, went to the Blessed One and, on arrival, having bowed down to him, sat to one side. As he was sitting there, he said to the Blessed One, "Just now, when I had gone with Queen Mallikā to the upper palace, I said to her, 'Mallikā, is there anyone dearer to you than yourself?'

 

"When this was said, she said to me, 'No, great king. There is no one dearer to me than myself. And what about you, great king? Is there anyone dearer to you than yourself?'

 

"When this was said, I said to her, 'No, Mallikā. There is no one dearer to me than myself.'"

 

Then, on realizing the significance of that, the Blessed One on that occasion exclaimed:

 

Searching all directions
with your awareness,
you find no one dearer
than yourself.
In the same way,
others are thickly dear to themselves.
So you shouldn't hurt others
if you love yourself.
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18 hours ago, DeltaV said:

And even alloromantics sometimes have “kiss repulsion” if they have sex non-romantically.

Most commonly in cases of outright prostitution, IME.

 

18 hours ago, DeltaV said:

Also “no kissing” is not unheard of as a rule in fwb relationships, as a precaution against developing romantic feelings.

Kind of like kissing can be more romantic coded than sex. Have observed allos in ONS and hookup type situations appearing to want to role play romance.
Personally I'd take the risk of getting romantic **** thrown in my direction. (Not like I know any other aros in person.)

 

18 hours ago, DeltaV said:

I don't know how just sensual kissing “untainted” by romance (especially of the kind I experienced, which just burned me :D) would feel like. Maybe I would like it then... at least in my imagination it seems so.

The difficulty is being able to find it. :(

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1 hour ago, Mark said:

Most commonly in cases of outright prostitution, IME.

Yes, the pretty woman syndrome.

1 hour ago, Mark said:

Kind of like kissing can be more romantic coded than sex. Have observed allos in ONS and hookup type situations appearing to want to role play romance.

I sometimes have difficulties to find out how I really feel about a thing... what I've wrote here about kissing seems pretty drastic, but this might be just because it was connected with other very negative feelings.

 

Behaving romantically in an ONS situation, because it's obviously clear that this just for entertainment and nothing serious, takes off the pressure. The worst thing that can happen is embarrassing myself and I can deal with that.

 

It's very different than when I was in a RR where I got kissed all the time (in the most innocent situations), felt nothing (and therefore guilty), didn't know anything about aromanticism (made me feel broken) and still kind of desperately wanted to make this relationship work (because you're supposed to). Sorry that I repeat myself again!

1 hour ago, Mark said:

Personally I'd take the risk of getting romantic **** thrown in my direction. (Not like I know any other aros in person.)

It's the same with me. Also, I want to find out how awkward I really am. ;)

1 hour ago, Mark said:

The difficulty is being able to find it. :(

I think that maybe in an ONS situation this is possible, the problem is perhaps that the time interval until *cough* sexual arousal sets in might be short.

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On 14 May 2017 at 1:08 AM, NullVector said:

Having this one word "Love" is super unhelpful, IMO. The Ancient Greeks were much more sensible about it. Philia, Storge, Agape, Eros. There I guess you could actually be reasonably clear about what you meant when you said "I love you". A bit like this popular notion that the Inuit have a bunch of different words for "snow". I think this also accounts for a fair amount of my resistance. I really don't like the idea of telling people lies - and ambiguously communicated intent is almost as bad. When I say "I love you" what do I actually mean? Outside of a lot of context, it's pretty meaningless - even then, there's scope to have what I'm meaning by it misconstrued by the other person.

Agreed... this is why I never say "I love you" to anyone. I don't want them getting the wrong idea... and they probably will. I do need to find a better way to explain what I really mean though, because as it is, I don't really tell people when they mean a lot to me in any way at all... which is not good.

 

Also, I've actually never understood the different "types" of love either, because I interpret everything in a platonic kind of way anyway. I used to argue with people that Agape is the only real kind of love, and there are no other "types", only Agape mixed with other feelings maybe. If it doesn't contain Agape in some form, it isn't really love. ... but I don't bother arguing with people anymore, we're from different planets, it's no use. :rofl:

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I say 'I love you' to my closest friends (who say the same). I wouldn't to anyone if I thought they might have non-platonic feelings for me as I wouldn't want to give them the wrong idea (luckily that doesn't happen allot) :apple_green::apple:

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YMBAI you thought two weeks was to long to have a crush on someone.

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YMBAI you just don't understand why it is so great to wear other person's hoodie. It propably has that other person's sweat in it! Yick!

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YMBAI you are comfortable being yourself.. a little too much (everyone thinks you're weird, but basically you're only different because you aren't afraid of putting people off) :rofl:

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