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DannyFenton123

How Many Times Have You Heard This?

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Especially since I've been raised in a christian family, I hear it all the time! 

And whenever I try to insinuate that maybe I won't get married (because realistically, finding a lifelong qp partner who's also christian, okay with me being aroace, accepts not having sex and only kissing a lil bit and cuddling when I feel okay with it and who matches my physical an moral requirements and with whom I feel completely comfortable and not ashamed to share my thoughts and feelings with will be rather hard cx), I always get the "Oh, there's someone for you. Don't be silly. And then you'll see, you'll love him so much and it'll feel so great and (all the bla bla about a cute love story and getting married and having kids and all that jazz)." Something I get a lot is also "Ohh do you have feelings for him?" every time I have a guy friend ^^' And even when I say no, they say that I'm lying and blerh

 

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3 hours ago, katicha said:

"Ohh do you have feelings for him?"

 

Yes - I knew it!

No answer - So you do!

No - LIAR

 

we can't win :(

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Today my art teacher asked us to picture our boyfriend/girlfriend. I hate it when teachers ask stuff like that

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On 4/6/2016 at 10:35 PM, katicha said:

Something I get a lot is also "Ohh do you have feelings for him?" every time I have a guy friend ^^' And even when I say no, they say that I'm lying and blerh

I get this a lot from my family.  Every time I would be talking about school and mention a guy's name my parents used to immediately ask me if he was cute or if liked him or whatever, and it got pretty freaking annoying.  I remember one case in particular, I had a guy friend who has a foreign name that isn't immediately recognizable as male, so I would mention his name in conversation for a while with no reaction from my parents.  Then one day my mom caught me using the "he" pronoun and started questioning me-even though literally nothing had changed since yesterday when she didn't question the fact that he was just a friend ¬¬

 

Eventually my parents figured out that most of my college friends are guys and that asking if I like them romantic is a waste of time.  I still get it from my extended family though >:(

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1 minute ago, deltaX said:

I get this a lot from my family.  Every time I would be talking about school and mention a guy's name my parents used to immediately ask me if he was cute or if liked him or whatever, and it got pretty freaking annoying.  I remember one case in particular, I had a guy friend who has a foreign name that isn't immediately recognizable as male, so I would mention his name in conversation for a while with no reaction from my parents.  Then one day my mom caught me using the "he" pronoun and started questioning me-even though literally nothing had changed since yesterday when she didn't question the fact that he was just a friend ¬¬

 

Eventually my parents figured out that most of my college friends are guys and that asking if I like them romantic is a waste of time.  I still get it from my extended family though >:(

Gah this is so annoying! Whenever I mention the opposite gender as a friend or acquaintance, my mom immediately goes into full "ooooh do you have a crush" mode. It's so obnoxious! And I know she does it just because she knows I don't react well to it, and that pisses me off so much!

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I remember mentioning a guy friend a couple times to my mum, and then one day when we were talking about friends and she brought him up asking if I had feelings for him despite the fact I'd barely spoken about him ¬¬ Thankfully she stopped when I mentioned my friend was dating him...

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21 hours ago, deltaX said:

 Every time I would be talking about school and mention a guy's name my parents used to immediately ask me if he was cute or if liked him or whatever, and it got pretty freaking annoying.  I remember one case in particular, I had a guy friend who has a foreign name that isn't immediately recognizable as male, so I would mention his name in conversation for a while with no reaction from my parents.  Then one day my mom caught me using the "he" pronoun and started questioning me-even though literally nothing had changed since yesterday when she didn't question the fact that he was just a friend ¬¬

 

Eventually my parents figured out that most of my college friends are guys and that asking if I like them romantic is a waste of time.  I still get it from my extended family though >:(

 

Ahh I get this a lot too! Every guy friend I have "is my crush". 

 

Wow...Why must boy and girl friendhips always be romanticized? Because of that I'm always scared my friends will fall in love with me, since my mom told me that "Opposite sex friendships are impossible" and it just messes me up ^^' 

 

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I agree the idea that opposite-sex people can't be friends is really frustrating.  I think that one difficult thing as identifying as aro was realizing that I could no longer claim to be an example of a heterosexual female who had heterosexual male friends.  Now anyone with that viewpoint can say that the only reason I can have platonic male friends is my lack of attraction.

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The worst is when your friend gets in a relationship, then their new partner tries to convince them not to hang out with you since "you can't be just friends with a guy." They aren't together anymore but man I hate when people say things like that

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My friend's girlfriend got kind of jealous of how much I hung out with my friend, she was convinced for a while something was going on between us. She seems to have (mostly?) gotten over it when I mentioned I'm probably aromantic.. But I hate the idea you can't be close friends with someone if they happen to feel attraction to that gender.

[That said, the amount of times me and my friend joked about dating and marrying and all that stuff I can understand why she was worried]

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On April 5, 2016 at 11:31 AM, deltaX said:

I get this from the other direction:  "You're a smart girl in a male-dominated field, how do you not have a boyfriend yet?!?" ¬¬

Sometimes I want to remind people that finding a boyfriend isn't just a matter of finding a single guy, it's a matter of actually wanting to be in a relationship (which I don't).

Engineering is definitely very male dominated, but thankfully I can use the difficulty of the curriculum as an excuse for not having a boyfriend. If I barely have enough free time to maintain my friendships and sleep occasionally than how on earth could I possibly have enough time to pursue a romantic relationship?

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I already knew I wasn't going to get married when I was little. Back when I didn't know I was a trans guy, and identified as lesbian instead, I was already grossed out by the idea of marriage (to a guy). After same-sex marriage was legalized in my country, I still didn't like the idea of marriage. I'd support other people doing it, but I knew it wasn't something for me. I didn't see the point of it.

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I guess all of us had to tell people that the traditional marriage thing as we know it, is... just not on.

I have already told my mum all of this, and chances are, I'll have to do so again, cos the whole concept of aromanticism is just alien to her. She wants me to be happy, so she is trying to push her idea of happiness to me. I know the good intentions behind it, so I'd try to be patient.

 

But I do consider getting married. We live in a heteronormative and allonormative society, so these concepts are designed to accommodate alloromantic heterosexuals who would want kids, a house and all that traditional married life. But that's what we have, so why not use it?

 

As we know, one size does not fit all.

I'm the type of person who in this case would be willing to grab a pair of scissors and tailor it until it fits my needs. Because I think that sums up the queer experience quite well. We have to make things work for ourselves, because nobody else would even consider the situations we have to deal with. Its one part homophobia, one part indifference and they are quite oblivious as well.

 

So If I'd get married, I'd do so to provide security and legal benefits for a person I deeply care about. The whole white dress(es) and church thing just does does not apply to my relationships. But if the paperwork part would e helpful to make life easier, why not have that part? And of course I'm not going to pretend that I am something I'm not.

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My parents talked about me getting a boyfriend last night and I was just screaming internally the whole time

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On 06/04/2016 at 1:54 PM, selina said:

Today my art teacher asked us to picture our boyfriend/girlfriend. I hate it when teachers ask stuff like that

 

How amatonormative, and inappropriate, to assume that you have, or want, exactly one of these.

On 15/04/2016 at 0:25 PM, Cassiopeia said:

I guess all of us had to tell people that the traditional marriage thing as we know it, is... just not on.

I have already told my mum all of this, and chances are, I'll have to do so again, cos the whole concept of aromanticism is just alien to her.

 

Possibly mutually alien.

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5 minutes ago, Mark said:

Possibly mutually alien.

Possibly? More like 100% confirmed. xD

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Quite a bit from people that aren't my immediate family. :/ and people who happen to be attracted to me but want more than platonic relationship. :/ 

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What other people have mentioned, the assumption that I can't be friends with a guy without being interested and/or him being interested is the worst.

 

It's probably the reason why I had two boyfriends, even though I only liked them as friends, because there was so much social pressure that it "couldn't possibly be platonic"

 

I've gotten that and the marriage thing waaaay less since I came out which is such a relief.

 

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Quite often from my mom...

She firmly believes that getting married is the prenecessary step for a woman to be truly happy. 

Not just my mom though, as people in my country careless call unmarried woman with derogatory terms. 

There's a commonly used word for a single woman who's older than 30+, called 'Nochyeonyo' which directly translates into 'old miss(also implies being a virgin)'. Old. Virgin. :facepalm:

If I'd tell people here that marriage is not my thing, they'll probably think something's seriously wrong with me or I had too much to drink. 

 

Just a few months ago, I happened to tell my mom that I didn't want to get married, and we had a serious argument.

In the end, she cried. She probably was scared for my future, and as much as I could tell why she came to that conclusion, I was quite frustrated and sad at that moment...

 

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Actually literally NEVER? From... anyone? Seriously sucks that people think it's okay to assume that.

 

Though once a few years back I was walking my dog and some older man started talking to me (because I asked him what was going to be growing on some field, I think, because they were working on it), and then he asked who my husband was (I suppose just because he wanted to see if he knew the guy? maybe? IDK, weird). I think I was 21 or 22 at the time and I was like 'dude I'm not married. Am I not a little young to be married? Also none o' your effing business...' Maybe when that man was younger it was normal for women to be married at 21 (and it's still not COMPLETELY out of the question to be fair), *and* maybe it was normal to ask a lady who she was married to, but now? NOOOPE o_o

 

Also my mum quite often gives/gave (I think she hasn't done it in a while?) me 'You'll understand some day when you have children' when I'm confused about a way she thinks or something :P

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On 4/3/2016 at 3:05 PM, Mezzo Forte said:

I haven't gotten that a lot lately, but I'll never forget this one rude comment I got when I mentioned that I'm a musician.

 

"If you want to do music, then you better marry a rich husband."

 

On 4/3/2016 at 3:20 PM, PerformativeSurprise said:

Ugh, I hate comments like that! It always makes me angry when someone implies I need a husband for anything--just because I'm female-bodied doesn't mean I can't take care of myself thanks. 

 

On 4/3/2016 at 6:52 PM, DannyFenton123 said:

Jeez! That's awful :(

 

Well, people make such comments because marrying a money bag works decently for most of those who do it. They don't know well enough that you're so romance-repulsed that conventional marriage is a worse evil to you than working harder or at an unpleasant job or being poor (the latter is not an obstacle to happiness, but the consumerist society thinks it is), and so they suggest the 'default' solution.

 

I don't know if salary discrimination by gender is blatant where you are, but alas it definitely exists in the world as a whole.

 

I'm under the impression that being a musician is a hit-or-miss in terms of money - very few become so popular that they're more profitable than those doing more conventional jobs. But indeed, you have all the right in the world to be happy with earning as much as you do and relying on yourself and getting satisfaction from creativity or whatever instead.

 

Generally, I feel I'm sometimes better off doing stupid things in order to adjust properly to the stupidity of the world where I have to live.

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I really don't like when online forms ask about titles. For women, titles are supposed to reveal whether someone is married, and that's really none of their business. And then they give me free return address labels, but put the title on them so I don't want to use them... You're supposed to use "Ms." if you don't want people to know, but realistically, it's usually only unmarried people who use it, so that doesn't work very well! 

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Once when I was getting lunch at school (it's like Subway, if that helps, like you get bread and tell the person behind the counter what to put on it), I said I didn't want lettuce on my sandwich and the guy behind me, who was like fourteen, started yelling at me for not liking lettuce and saying that if I didn't eat it I wouldn't be able to have kids and "YOU OWE IT TO YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND TO EAT LETTUCE" and I said "I don't want a husband and I don't want kids" and he said "WELL YOU'RE GONNA GET ONE" so I said "ok but no" and walked away with my lettuce-free sandwich while the cashier laughed her ass off.

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My literature teacher at high school liked to joke that both boys and girls should learn to endure pain, but for different reasons - boys will need it at military service, while girls will need it in childbirth.

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31 minutes ago, aroMa(n)tisse said:

My literature teacher at high school liked to joke that both boys and girls should learn to endure pain, but for different reasons - boys will need it at military service, while girls will need it in childbirth.

And that's sexist and cissexist too - not all men and not only men want to go into the military, and not all women and not only women can or want to give birth.

 

 

Once my aunt walked up to me and asked me how my boyfriend was. I've never had a boyfriend. (It turned out that my cousin, her son who went to the same school as me at the time, had seen me with one of my male friends and mentioned it to her.)

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