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Does anyone else ever feel like giving up trying to make friends with alloromantic people? Like no matter what you do you'll always be 2nd best or less. They'll always choose their partner over you. I don't know if its just because recently all my friends have been pairing up and barely talking anymore but I feel like all this time I spent with them was just really not worth it. I feel like a constant temporary friend people have until they find 'the one' or whatever. It sucks.

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Definitely. I don't know any aro people IRL which really sucks. Most my close friends are in a relationship (or have strong feelings for someone) and it just makes me feel so replaceable, that I can never mean that much to them. 

My best friend isn't too bad, she's dating someone and she still tries really hard to stay close friends but occasionally I still feel like I'll never mean that much to her

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Only one of my friends is in an actual relationship, but all of my other friends are constantly talking about their crushes or how much they want a boy/girlfriend. It gets tiring tbh. I don't know any other aromantic people, though, so I can't really help it.

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I'm in college, so right now it's not too bad. All of my friends are still at the phase where they may date, but they're not looking to start a family or settle down yet. But yeah, I'm terrified of that. I know that most romantic people will place partners over friends, and I don't want to have to go through that again. 

Of course, with the career I've chosen, moving around a lot will be inevitable so I'm bound to have to find new friends again and again. It's just sad to think that for most adults, close relationships are generally only with families. But I don't know any other ace people, so I guess my only options are to go back to having nobody, or deal with it. 

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Definitely :c I felt like this sooo much until I clarified things with my current qpp

She's not aro but she identified as aro for a few years and understood the depth of feeling and commitment in qpps, and at first I felt kind of distant from her when we were friends and even for the first year or so of being qpps so I tried to make it clear with her that for this to work I had to be the most important person to her, not just a 2nd best to her romantic partner. And it actually? Happened?

 

but like all of my other allo friends are kind of awful about maintaining friendships, I always feel like I'm just second-best unless they're crushing on me in which case I'm really uncomfortable (romance repulsion, yay!) and basically it's awful

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Like Vega, I'm in college, so only a few of my friends are actually looking to get married and settle down right now.  I don't know any aro people in real life, so all of my frienda are alloromantic though, and I have to say having all my friend abandon me for romantic partners is one of my biggest fears.

 

I will probably never give on being friends with allos though.  Friendship is incredibly important to me- probably the same level as a spouse would be to a romantic person.  Even though it might be hard, if my current friens ever leave me or phase me out of their life, having friends is too important to me to give up on friendship all together.

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I know people who are queer who pretty much gave up on making friends with straight people, however I am in multiply minority groups so for me it does not really make sense excluding someone cause I am never safe from discrimination anyway.

 

I don't feel like giving up on the romantic friends I got because they are way to important for me, however when it comes to QP and such I am not sure if I feel secure in making a comitted friend with someone who is romantic.

like I think there is a difference when I have a friendship and we are both kinda agreed on "this friendship to be what is normal for a friendship to be, lets just enjoy each other and have a good time" I have alot of friends I just enjoy to hang out with and no hard feelings, but I also have friends where I think "wow I would love if we would be together like partners, and work together, help each other out" stuff like that. and these have always went wrong, Either as mention because the person got feelings for me or replaces me with their romantic partner, or also because they simple found it "too confussing and complicated" 

 

its really sad cause I think there are aton of romantic folks I could see myself being comitted to, however I think even if they where "cool about it" I would still feel guilty like I were holding them back from "what they really wanted". and even if they had a romantic partner beside I would be worried that they would prioritise their romantic partner over me, and regardless if that happent or not I know the sociaty would expect them to do so.

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I'm trying not to rank my friends in any way. There is no point really.

Me and my friends are in our mid twenties, so we are working, and life is structured a little differently. You have to prioritize your job. You would have other commitments, and you friends will all too. There is the car insurance that needs to be sorted out, the grandma who needs to be taken to the hospital, the groceries, the garden, the bits that should have been done ages ago. Life happens, and that's okay.

 

Being a good friend does not mean that you are available all the time, any time.

That's just not how it works.

 

Romantic partners come and go, but the friendships last longer. I have known one of my friends for more than 20 years. We changed a lot. They are allo and straight, and I'm obviously not. I have seen them dating more than five people. Yes, they wanted to spend a lot more time with that special someone, and quite often is killing me-not because I'm jealous, but because the person they chose is just not a nice human being to be around. They are overlooking things their romantic partner did, does, says, is...they don't seem to notice. I do not want to be on that level. I do not want to be seen through pink sunglasses. I do not want to impress them. I want to be their friend, not whatstheirface 6

 

And I do listen to them talking about their crush, music I might not really like, clothes I'd personally never wear, their jobs I'd never be content doing. And they listen when I tell them about my plans for the future, music they might not like, books or films they might not find that entertaining. We do have vaguely similar preferences, so we go to places together. But that isn't the most important part of it.

Sometimes we don't even get to meet for years, maybe just quick messages or long phone calls. But when we meet again, its like no time has passed at all. They get the references that I make. No matter what fancy haircut they get, I still remember how they looked with strawberry jam smeared all over their entire head in kindergarten. We know each other's family. We know where the other came from, and who they are. There is no need to explain anything, there are no illusions, no need to impress anybody, no masks and I'd not trade that for anything.

I know that they will tell me if I'm doing something that is just not a great idea. And they know that I'm the one who would help them if everything went pear shaped.

 

And I do have other friends who are a it less like family, and more like somebody who you enjoy being around and that's it. I meet with them too, have fun, and we also have long talks, but maybe a bit less personal. These friends are usually found through a common interest, hobby or place of work or something. And these people come and go. You just can't expect to have a deep friendship with everyone.

 

Just because I'm in a committed relationship with someone, I'd not get rid of other relationships I'm also committed to. (relationships in this case: more or less gay friendships, qpp, "just friends", "more than friends," whatever)

I never really ranked my friends, and I'm not really concerned about who is the 1st and the 2nd best friend.

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I've been friends with alloromantics my whole life. Sure, they are all married now. I spend less time with them now than I used to, but they still put aside time to spend with me. Some people (the sane ones) don't want to spend every waking hour with their spouses. Many of them have kids, so I get a chance to play games with them. Hide and seek is a little bit dull, until they start to get really good at it and hide on a shelf above the washer/dryer and scare your pants off. Later on they get smart enough to play fun board games. I've enjoyed being an honorary uncle to my friends' kids.

 

If I was only looking for aromantic friends, I probably wouldn't have any. Where do they hide? I don't think I've met one other than an AVEN meetup. :icecream:

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I don't think it's just you. From what I've seen personally, and from what I've seen from others, it is a bit of a trend that couples do end up spending more time together than with their friends. That doesn't really bother me anymore since I've been a lot less social over the last few years so it hasn't really affected me.

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5 hours ago, Tal Shi'ar said:

From what I've seen personally, and from what I've seen from others, it is a bit of a trend that couples do end up spending more time together than with their friends.

That was one of the things that freaked me out when I was in a romantic relationship. Seriously, after several days of 24/24 being in the close proximity of the same person and nobody else all the time... It just gets too intense, a bit too restrictive to put it nicely. Even with the most wonderful person. I just can't do it.  Not because they aren't nice or because I have something to hide, just because its a bit overwhelming. I feel like the worst case of human audio feedback, there is nothing new to say, so just the same old thing gets repeated back again, and again, and again... How do alloromantic people even do this? I need to have that little-prince-and-the-fox kind of waiting. Does that make sense?

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I don't really worry about that too much. Whenever my friends had boyfriends, they always managed to find enough time for me as well. Also my current best friend doesn't seem interested in getting a boyfriend any time soon, though she'd like to one day. I'm more scared of not getting along with friends boyfriends. I wouldn't want to make my friends choose between the two of us.

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Well, I move around a lot, so I'm actually usually the one leaving. I guess in that way, I see friendships as sometimes transitory, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.  I do have friends that I've had since childhood, and I know that even if we don't see each other much anymore, we are still friends.  I am getting to that age where these friends are marrying and some are having kids, so it does feel a little more isolating now than it used to.  But again, since I move frequently (often abroad), it doesn't really affect how much we see each other.  So at least for now, since I don't stay in one place long, it makes it a bit easier to be friends with people who may "leave me" for a SO.  One day, if I settle on a location (not sure that's likely...), this will probably be a bigger issue for me.  But for now, I can just enjoy being friends with people whether or not it's a temporary situation--friendship isn't any less just because it may be more or less temporary.

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I remember talking to an acquaintance (I do recognize the difference between acquaintences and friends) and was telling him how difficult it is to find new friends, especially the older you get. And he looked at me weird and said he thought we were friends. And I said, "You're married." And he was all confused. Then I asked him when the last time was he did anything with me or we just hung out together. And then he was more confused and said, "Well I'm married now so I have to spend my free time with my wife." And there you have it folks. People who are coupled think that a friend is just someone they know, not someone they spend actual time with. 

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honestly im lowkey terrified of having an allo qpp because of this exact reason. im in high school (where romance goes to fester) and ive literally counted, i have 3 acquaintances who arent in romantic relationships :/ 

1 hour ago, eddie said:

People who are coupled think that a friend is just someone they know, not someone they spend actual time with. 

 

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Not really, a bunch of my friends are paired but I still talk to them and my friend groups are all chatting to different people. If that happens where you are, that doesn't sound great. As for being second in line, I don't even care anymore so long as I have someone to talk to.

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I have friends who are not dating so I don't know what they'd do if they started. One of them dreams about a romantic relationship but I have high hopes on her that she won't ignore me if she starts dating. But I had this one allo friend who ditched me many times because of her boyfriends so I get what you mean. We were in high school when she got her first boyfriend. At first it was okay, she spent time with me and our other friends but then she started to "forget" our meetings and her excuse was that she completely forgot and had already planned to meet her boyfriend. Then she was so sorry. At first I was okay with it but it happened many times. Once I asked her to accompany me to one party and she said yes. A week later, when I asked her again, she told that she'd forgotten again and was about to go to his bf's place. She didn't tell her boyfriend that she'd already made plans but asked me to understand... Then once she called off our movie night because her bf wanted to come over. Then once she asked if it was okay that I went home alone late in the night from an unfamiliar town so that she could go to her new boyfriend's place. That's when I got angry because it was a little bit too much to stand :'D 

 

But yeah, some allo people do that. They ditch their friends for romance or even potential one but at least there are those allos who don't do that. I don't know any aros irl, only an ace which is something, so if I didn't befriend just anybody I wouldn't have friends ^^; (Though, I think real friends don't forget to spend time with their friends or call off meetings and leave them alone late in the night just to go somewhere with a potential romantic and sexual partner so the best way is to learn to recognize jerks. Those kind of people make me lose hope on all allos.)

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Both me and my (suspected aroace but identifies as allo) squish promised to never ditch each other for a romantic relationship. That was before I realized I was lith, and that I didn't have an obligation to pursue a romantic relationship with anyone, even if I liked them, and they liked me back. Even though she's never really been interested in romance, my squish still wants to date someday, and I hope her future partner won't try to force her to choose him over friendship.

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  • 1 year later...
On 4/10/2016 at 9:17 PM, Cassiopeia said:

Romantic partners come and go, but the friendships last longer. I have known one of my friends for more than 20 years. We changed a lot. They are allo and straight, and I'm obviously not. I have seen them dating more than five people. Yes, they wanted to spend a lot more time with that special someone, and quite often is killing me-not because I'm jealous, but because the person they chose is just not a nice human being to be around. They are overlooking things their romantic partner did, does, says, is...they don't seem to notice. I do not want to be on that level. I do not want to be seen through pink sunglasses. I do not want to impress them. I want to be their friend, not whatstheirface 6

.

.

.

Sometimes we don't even get to meet for years, maybe just quick messages or long phone calls. But when we meet again, its like no time has passed at all. They get the references that I make. We know each other's family. We know where the other came from, and who they are. There is no need to explain anything, there are no illusions, no need to impress anybody, no masks and I'd not trade that for anything.

I know that they will tell me if I'm doing something that is just not a great idea. And they know that I'm the one who would help them if everything went pear shaped.

 

Sorry I edited the hell out of this.

 

I don't really find myself jealous of my friends romantic partners, but I do relate to the sentiment highlight in purple. I get mad when their partner makes them forget/abandon things they like to do, when it seems like their partner is isolating them-- not in terms like Oh I never get to see you anymore, but in terms of "Hey can you come out to this thing I'm doing?" and they respond "No I have to have dinner with X" but they have spent every waking moment with their partner but can't spare like 45 mins to be with you. -- It's hard to feel like you're screaming through sound proof walls when your friends lets romance blind them. 

 

All of my people are really far from me most of the time since I'm in school, I'm a bad digital communicator, so staying in touch in these friendships mean quick texts, writing letters on birthday, and then really long and intense reunions. Again, like no time has past our wave length meet and it feels so good to be with them again. I don't mind this. I'd rather have a forever friend that I only see once ever 2 years that a friend that with me all the time but don't have that same feeling. With these friends, I know that them getting married won't change the feeling of when were together, people won't understand it, but it's ours. *super sappy I apologize* 

 

I think If I were to be in QPP later in life (still not sure if that's something that I want) it would have to be with someone also aro. Because my sexual life is very different from my love (platonic/~rom) life, the sexual component of my life wouldn't come from my QPP. I don't desire that and it makes me uncomfortable to have those two components together. 

 

 

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If I gave up on making alloromantic friends, I'd run out of friends. I know one aro person IRL, and we haven't spoken in over a year. 

 

However, I know a large portion of my friends through a club. It happens to involve historically accurate swordfighting, but that's another day's story. The key factor is that these friends basically always attend. That's three hours a week that we're all guaranteed to be in the same place. That makes it way easier to keep up, despite the fact that many of them are in committed relationships.

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