Dusty

Just got the results of my last test and I passed it with flying colors! Now my summer can begin~

"Not sure" is perfect answer for me. Most of the time I'm against having any kids of my own because I'm already an aunt of 3 kids and have seen how much trouble it is to raise actual human beings. I don't think I have enough patience or interest or maturity to do that. I love my nieces and nephew but geez it takes way too much of my energy to even look after them for one week straight. After those babysitting sessions I'm totally happy to get back to the world where's only me and others who don't need my constant care. But then again, sometimes I think it wouldn't be that bad. I'd love to have that connection with a child. I'm not so sure if I want to give a birth to a child because the idea of something coming out of me freaks me out. And I don't really care about blood ties, I'd love the kid even if it didn't have any of my genes. But I guess my answer's still no. It'd be too hard to raise a child all alone (I'm so not getting a partner for that purpose). The idea of raising a kid with many friends sounds cool though but I still don't want to be tied down to one place. Having a kid would mean that. Also, I don't think it has anything to do with my aromanticism. I just find it too much trouble :'D

Let's see. When I was dating we used to watch a lot of movies and series together and it was cool. It's nice to have company while watching something (and laugh at everything that's completely unrealistic) but I never understood why we had to sit so close and start kissing in the middle. I wanted to see the movie, not her face! (this might actually be a part of my asexuality) When I was a teenager I wanted to date someone but never did anything to actually get a partner. I didn't even consider doing half of the things my friends seemed to do to get someone. I could have done it but somehow it seems like I didn't even care. Also, I used to be a little afraid of guys as a teen. Back then I had no idea why but now I've started to guess it's because I always linked guys, dating, marriage, getting two kids, red house on the country side and a dog together and felt pressured. Thank god I got over it as I realized I don't have to do anything with them or expect they want anything more from me.

I just talked to amazing people on internet and the sun is shining, it's so warm and it means spring is finally here after a long winter! Also couple of days ago my friend called me her sister and I'm still in tears because it means so much to me ;____;

Sigh, I wanna have a squish again >.< I've had two or three squishes in my life and one of them has stayed my friend until now. One didn't work because we started dating and it just... yeah, you know. The other one wanted to date with me and once again it didn't work out. But my first squish ever is still my friend, best friend, and I guess I still squish towards her sometimes. We've just been friends for so many years already, haha :'D But I love her, alright. She's great and I think I won't find someone like her ever again.

Totally can relate to this! My ex sent me a similar text last autumn and asked if I've been 'thinking about us and how much fun we had'. I think I ended up saying something rude to her because I started to feel uncomfortable ^^; I didn't tell her I'm aroace, though, because back then I didn't have a name to it but I wonder what she'd have said. What your ex said was really tactless.

Just remembered this random conversation with my mom. We were talking something about charming men and women who fall in love with their pretty words and then find themselves in an unhappy relationship with a totally horrible guy. Then the conversation went like this, Mom: "Don't ever fall in love with a guy like that." Me: "Lol no worries :D"

I'm okay with small affectionate gestures like holding hands or veeery small kisses. Like really really small. Because small gestures are something I could see myself doing with a close friend. But I get repulsed right away when someone says they love or like me romantically. I just want to run away. I also get uncomfortable if someone calls me theirs. I did that dating thing once (or twice) and my ex just seemed to love to say "mine" when she hugged me and I just was there wanting to get the hell out. Nowadays even a thought about dating someone with romantic and sexual intentions make me freak out and chant "Nonononononope never noway" all over again. If some couples show PDA, it's okay as long as it's only small things like hugging or holding hands. I also like to help my allo friends with their romantic problems (even when I'm no use). But if those lovey-dovey couples start to kiss in the middle of the road or look each other into the eye like there's no one else around... I don't know where to watch or what to do then. Sure they can do whatever they want but do they really have to do it where there's other people around? Like, why do you do that? In media, I'm pretty okay with seeing romance in movies and tv-series, though I'd take them without romance any time. Though, I hate those way too happy commercials where there's a happy couple and everything's so great. It feels like they're trying to say you're going to be happy only if you start dating and you can find your life partner by buying their new super-awesome product.

Green and black. This was hard since I like many different colors

Okay, I've come out to my best friend and mom. It was easy to tell my friend because she's biromantic asexual. So one day I finally realized I might be aromantic, thought about it couple of days and then simply texted her, "Dude, I finally figured out why I don't fall for anyone and feel so uncomfortable in a relationship. I think I'm aromantic." All she said was, "It's the best feeling when you finally know who you are so that's awesome!" And that was pretty much it, we talked about it a lot after that and I started to feel more comfortable about the situation when she told me it was okay and that romantic relationships are overrated anyways. She's seriously the best and a lifesaver. I told my mom only recently. I've told her that I don't want to be in a relationship like over a year before I even knew the term aromantic. Back then and only recently she still laughed at me and told me I was being silly. It really annoyed me to no end because, you know, it hurt when she clearly thought I wasn't old enough to know what I wanted and that what I said was only cute... like how a little kid said they wanted to be a robot when they grew up and the parents are there laughing at how cute their little one is... that's how it felt. Anyway, I told her about aromanticism only recently. I explained it to her and told that that's who I am and her first question was, "Is that permanent?" I answered that, "Is anything in life permanent? Right now this is who I am and feel comfortable with so I hope you respect it." It was surprising but she was okay with it. I felt like she wanted to say more but at least all she said was, "Not everyone has to get married, there's a lot of people like that" and "your description sounds a lot like your aunt". The last one was a little bit of a surprise but it indeed did sound like my aunt. It was a surprise to everyone when she actually married one guy, no one's sure where that man even came from. But anyway, it was an okay conversation with mom even though I felt nervous.

21 here

DANNY! SAW IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY SO HAPPY BDAY! I'M GOING FOR A TRIP TOMORROW AND I STILL HAVEN'T PACKED! SO LAZY

Oh no you're right! Well, since I'm an idiotic Gryffindor try bearing with me too, haha :'D

I was (and still am) obsessed with Harry Potter. I'm one of those who grew up with it So my house is Gryffindor (it used to be Hufflepuff when I was younger but I've changed a lot since then and the test gave me Ravenclaw too once). Divergent factions are Dauntless and Candor.

I've been in two and even though they made me anguished I'm still glad I dated them. Because those relationships helped me to figure out what's my romantic orientation. So first I dated a girl who asked me out since she had a crush on me. Back then I thought I had a crush on her too (we were friends first for couple of months) but was worried when I just didn't miss her when I went for a trip right after we started dating. Nor did I feel comfortable kissing her or holding hands or hugging all the time or texting good nights with kissing emojis... She was my friends, though, maybe even one of the bests I've ever had so I just held it in and thought I'd start loving her soon. I didn't, obvisously. Then there's this second time and I'm not even sure if it actually even was an actual relationship. We never said we're dating but sure acted like it. I started dating him after I started to figure out I might be aromantic. I just wanted to find out for sure so I went out to eat with him, kissed him, did all those cute things like holding hands and so on... but during that relationship I finally knew that I'm definitely aromantic. So yeah, no more romantic relationships for me. Maybe a QPR if I meet someone cool. Who knows. This is good for now.

I feel like thiswith straight guys. Somehow whenever I thought I was about to make friends with one, I always had to find out they had a crush on me and when I told them I wasn't interested, they either wouldn't stop trying, so I got annoyed and broke the contact, because I couldn't stand it anymore or they broke the contact themselves. None of them were fine with "just" being my friend. The closest I've ever been to being friends with a guy was with someone who was more of a friends friend than my friend. We got along really well, but weren't really that close and he also was gay, so obviously I wouldn't have the same problem with him. I have experience with this too. First I met this girl who's an amazing person and we became friends in no time. I didn't know back then that my crush was actually a squish and was wondering why I couldn't think of her romantically. So we started dating and she had a crush on me but in the end the thing became really messy because I couldn't help but treat her like a friend. I had no idea how to act like we were dating. She got pissed off by that and in the end I started to feel like I was in a cage and started to avoid her. Yeah, there's no need to say we couldn't get that friendship back ever again even though I liked her a lot as a person and a friend. Dating literally messed everything up because I couldn't give her what she wanted. So now I deeply hope none of my friends will ever fall for me. That just means I'm going to hurt them somehow. I also get afraid with straight guys and for a long time couldn't talk to them normally at all (you know, all that pressure of having to date a man one day and getting married, it's always made me so awkward, I believe all straight men have ulterior motives and that's stupid, I know). Though, I became friends with one nice guy with same interest about half year ago but he developed a crush on me. I told him I don't want to date and he was okay with it but nothing got back to normal. I was always self conscious since he treated me gently, cooked for me when I visited his place... I just couldn't, I started to freak out. And now I don't know if I can trust any guy to think me simply as a friend and treat me just like that. I don't want to be treated like some princess. I'm anything but. Sorry, I always talk too much :'D

I started with straight then figured out I might be bi. I always thought I had to feel some kind of romantic attraction since I had a total of two squishes and both of them were towards girls. Then I started to date a girl to whom I thought I had a crush on but it wasn't enough. It was just a strong feeling of wanting to be friends and when everything went romantic it felt wrong. After a breakup I thought I was straight in the end but it just didn't fit so I was back to bi or demi or pansexaul. Then I saw something about aromanticism and a seed of doubt rouse inside my mind. I dismissed it, though, since I still thought my squishes were crushes. Then I started dating a guy and I finally understood that I'm aromantic. Also, with him I understood I might be asexual too. I didn't think I was at first and still am not sure but I felt no desire to do stuff with him nor did I feel romantic attraction. And now everything makes sense

Today I actually had a lecture about the book Twilight (yes, Twilight, it was a torture) and magical love (or something) that overcomes every obstacle in the way. I was already there like "yeah, I've seen this stuff enough in the books, movies and tv-shows so I kinda get what you mean but srsly don't understand" when the teacher laughed happily and said something like this: "But we all know how love can make us crazy at first." Really? We do? Nice supposition there, lady. Then I remember in high school how one of my not-so-close friends asked me "how is it possible you're still single! Go out there more and you'll get some nice guy right away!" And there I was, feeling awkward as hell. Back then I didn't know yet my disinterest in anyone was because I was aromantic but still it got me so confused how to answer. Then there was this one French girl who learned I was born on Valentines day and of course asked right away if I had a boyfriend (yes, they all seem to think I'm only into guys... such a heteronormative world...) to spend that day with and I said no. Then she told me how sad that was to be all alone on my bday. Sad? Can't I be happy on my own bday alone or with my friends? I never thought it was sad! Just how is that sad? It's like you can't be happy without romantic love interest in your life.

I'm afraid of that too since my best friend has crushes and talks about wanting to fall in love. Though, my biggest fear atm, since I discovered I might be aro only recently, is that I'm going to be forever alone. I mean, I don't want to date anyone who expects me to have sex with them or wants me to be more open with my feelings (like my ex kept asking why I'm not calling her with cute nicknames or telling her more often that I like her and back then I still didn't understand why I couldn't feel any romantic attraction thinking I was broken or something so it was horrible!) but that doesn't mean I want to be all alone the rest of my life. I like being alone, sure, but how about Christmases, birthdays, all that because I know my friends have their own lives as well as my family (my parents are getting old too so I won't be able to go to their place one day). I dream about being in a queerplatonic relationship or maybe just dating someone who's okay with little contact and almost no sex. Somehow I don't see that happening so... yes, forever alone and really lonely. Maybe I just haven't gotten used to the idea I just won't fall in love and that's the reason for feeling lonely all the time.