The Newest Fabled Creature

I completely relate to the feeling of being "obsessed with romance," for I was like that before I realized I was aro and after. I feel like I have become a lot more aware of what romantic culture is (if you can even call it that), and I often strain myself in every social interaction to make sure that the person I'm talking to isn't somehow attracted to me in any way; sounds paranoid, I know, but it's not that I do it with every person I meet, I usually do that with people I'm just getting to know, which I rarely ever want to get to know new people. When I thought I was alloromantic, I would question often as to why the thought of me being in a romantic relationship made a pit open up in my stomach, and I questioned why I felt like I was just shutting down emotions around people who I speculated could've romantically liked me. I was confused and scared that I wasn't allowing myself to experience feelings or to experience relationships that I heard so constantly from friends that were amazing things, and yet those same friends would be crying their hearts out because their partner left them, or cheated on them, or when said friends would come to the conclusion that the relationship was never once healthy so they had to let their ex-partner go. I never once understood why I was like that. Until I found out that I was aro. And everything made so much more sense. I slowly let go of the feeling that I wasn't "allowing" myself to experience certain feelings or relationships, and instead saw for what I was doing at a young age - and that was simply avoiding something that I didn't want. I wish I could give you some advice, if you're still lost in all of this, but I don't think I can help in any new way that other people here have tried, and so I'll just say this: you're not alone. I promise.

Before I found out I was aromantic, my "ideal partner" was someone who could check all of these unattainable boxes on a very extensive list I would come up with, just so I could, subconsciously, not have to get with anyone of any gender even when I thought that I wanted to. After finding out I'm aromantic, my "ideal partner" would now be someone who understood my identity and so would leave me alone.

Whenever I'm actually able to travel I usually do it with just my family. But simply going somewhere to hang out I would either do with my siblings or with a friend. I do prefer traveling with family and/or friends, but I would like to try traveling by myself at some point in time.

Currently I'm just living day to day as I can, but I'm happy just being with my family and spending the time that I'm able with friends. I wish I could do more, but life happens, and that's okay. I feel fulfilled as I am now, and I don't really see how a romantic relationship can offer me any type of fulfillment presently nor in the future.

I do know that non-SAM aros are talked about, but sometimes people (both aspecs and non-aspecs) still get tripped up that some aros or asexuals don't differentiate their attractions. Some people use their asexual label to explain their romantic attraction and don't really call themselves aro nor alloro, and some aromantics also use aromanticism to describe their sexuality and don't label themselves as ace or allo. Some aromantics, like me, feel that their aro identity also effects their sexual attraction, where although I may call myself allosexual and can experience sexual attraction (and so may be considered a SAM aro by other people), I don't want to pursue sexual relationships because of my lack of wanting to pursue romantic or queerplatonic ones.

When I first found out I was aromantic, I honestly-to-any-creator thought to myself, "I'm a monster." The thing is, I didn't feel disgusted by or thought this about other aromantics, but when it came to applying that to me, I laughed it off. I couldn't ever conceive myself as aromantic, despite feeling so heavily connected to the community and literally wishing I could be a part of it; but because I thought I was an alloromantic who just didn't want a relationship, I didn't think I could belong. When I found the identity orchidromantic, I used it, because I was still clinging onto the last shred of hope that I could still experience romantic attraction. This is and was not a healthy way of going about this line of questioning, and I inadvertently disrespected orchidromantics by furthering the narrative associated with that identity. I remember seriously thinking, "I haven't had a crush in years. Am I .... aromantic?" And I immediately shut myself down. When I did start thinking that maybe I could actually be aro, I started questioning if I ever actually experienced crushes at all when I was younger, and found that I didn't. And it caused me immense distress, because then I thought about how all of this would make my mom feel. I felt like I was letting her down. It took a long while to quell these thoughts, but sometimes a little internalized arophobia still slips in, when I end up thinking, "Are aromantics actually real?" Answer: we are. I stopped believing I was letting my mom down when I finally had a conversation with her about not me being aro, but about me not wanting romantic relationships. She said that that was valid, and it felt like a weight was lifted off of me. I know I didn't need her approval, and sometimes she still brings up me potentially being in a relationship in the future, but it felt great in hearing her still accepting that maybe, in some distant future, I'll be alone and I'll be okay with that.

I kind of see where you're coming from. Although I didn't think this when I was younger, I can see how some people, both aspec and non-aspec alike, could see aroallo-ness as not real, because of the amatonormative belief that not only romantic attraction and romantic relationships are the "norm," but also that it "must" come first. People, usually alloro allos but some aspecs too, tend to forget that sex can exist without feelings, or that it can be very emotionally intimate but just between friends (or in some cases, exist in QPRs). Oftentimes, sex is seen as the Consummation™️, the bringing-together-of-(usually)-two-loves, all the time (this was brought about by Christianity, I'm not saying to blame Christians of course, but this does stem from that). But, loveless marriages (between allos) exist where sometimes the romantic love that people are always told to wait for, just never comes; one night stands exist to which I see allos promote all the time anyway; friends-with-benefits exist; we aspecs exist. So, something is not adding up here.

One game that I know where you can identify as aromantic (as well as cis, trans binary, non-binary, mspec, straight, gay, asexual, monogamous or polyamorous) is a text-only adventure novel, that does sadly cost money ($7.99), called, "Creme de la Creme" by Hannah Powell-Smith. It's not perfect of course, since if you choose an asexual route it may limit sex-based options, or if you choose the aromantic route it could limit some relationship options, but it's a really good game about going off to a college called Gallatin College, and living there and making friends or having relationships of any kind. I believe you can name yourself whatever you want, but for the story you choose a family last name and your family will have some flaw that others at the college will try to exploit (to add some tension), and if I remember correctly, you can choose if the people you interact with are mainly male characters, female characters, non-binary characters, or a mix of genders across the cast.

Another thing I love about being aromantic that maybe others can relate to, is the proving allos wrong part simply by existing. It can feel isolating to basically be considered a non-existent type of human, but I can't help but smile a shit eating grin when others say that "everyone looks for love." I don't experience attraction in a way that alloros specifically experience and that alloros immediately assume others to feel on the first meeting. I don't need a romantic relationship that some alloros tend to feel will complete them, and I can literally have a clear mind while watching romance without feeling like I need that. it did take quite a long while for me and for many others (sometimes, ofc) to feel okay with not experiencing romantic attraction, or for not experiencing it in a considered normative way, but once I could accept myself for who and what I am, I feel a type of immense joy that only a hand few selected alloros may also feel.

I don't have one, I just have a white ring for aromanticism, but the only places I could suggest for you to look for an ace ring is either asexual owned online stores, or Etsy?

I love it how whenever I'm in an English class, and there's a paper we're writing that's even remotely connected to love, I just burst whatever bubble the prompt forms in class and write a paper about how genuinely unromantic the piece we're reading is; despite the fact that I typically like romance, but some of the old shit is just facepalming material. Or sometimes the relationship in the text is very fucking gay, but no one likes queer theory/analogy ever in English, unless you have a very chill teacher.

That sounds like a good idea! I'll look into some, thanks!

Not that I experienced this a lot, but there were times where when my brother actively tried to remember I'm aromantic, and he would kind of say something like that if I jokingly said, "I'd marry this or that person/ or fictional character."

I now have a white ceramic ring for my middle finger that I wear around, but I do wish I could just buy aro pins and wear them.

I genuinely don't know how I feel about in-person kissing? Whenever I see couples kiss in front of me, or I accidentally happen to see it, my brain short circuits and I kind of end up thinking, "Why did I need to see that? Why did you make my ears hear that?" so... it sometimes bothers me a lot? But then, there's times where I'm not so bothered by it? And I think the context of when I'm not bothered by it is when people I know do with it their partners - who I may or may not also know. I like kissing in fiction! Some aspec people don't, and much respect, for me based on the context of a pointless romance, I often hate it when two people start randomly fucking kissing, but usually if two or more characters are already together then I don't mind it, or if the romance is written right (or my version of "right"); or if two or more characters are most likely going to end up together romantically, then I actually kind of root for the romantic stuff between those characters and don't hate it when they kiss. Now kissing for myself? I'm on the fence about it, because I'm more than likely going to shut down a situation of someone wanting to kiss me, but under a very rare circumstance where I know and trust the person, and they understand my identity well as an allo, or are aro-spec themself, and so know my boundaries and wanted to share a simple kiss then maybe I would possibly think about remotely considering it. I am rather romance favorable in regards to fiction most of the time, so sometimes I do like seeing characters romantically together, and I even ship characters together romantically a bit more than queerplatonically, but I would so love a mainstream QPR relationship in a popular show. Like, I don't know, make another Sherlock Holmes & Dr. Watson show, but they're in a QPR??

I found that I officially headcanon a whole entire musical called Company as an aromantic narrative, where the story is centered around a guy named Bobby who is interacting with his married friends, who all come to celebrate his 35th birthday, and they all simultaneously grill him for being single. Other people have done a deep analytical viewing of this musical as a queer narrative, and I highly recommend aroace YouTuber David J. Bradley's (he/they) video about it (Alone. Not Alive. | A Queer Reading of Company). The whole entire musical feels very Loveless by Alice Oseman to me, in both a good way and a sad way, despite both of these pieces of media being very different. Bobby starts randomly dating people, because he can't seem to officially grasp what it is that he's missing that his married friends seem to just inherently understand, and he even asks a gal friend of his to marry him so that, "Other people can leave us alone" since she too was single after ending a relationship. She turns him down and told him, "You have to want to marry somebody. Not just some body." {Ending Spoiler of Company and Loveless} I would tread carefully with this musical, because what the sad thing about this story is, and what makes it different from Loveless, is that if you read it as an aromantic narrative, Bobby ends up losing, whereas Georgia in Loveless does not. In the final song he sings called, "Being Alive," there's a lyric that Bobby sings that has been repeated throughout the whole entire musical: "Alone is alone. Not alive." If read in an aro way, amatonormativity wins and Bobby doesn't accept his queerness, his aromanticism, where Georgia does. I still see this piece of media as a valid aromantic reading, but unintentional arophobia is rampant within it because of it. It just goes to show how people like Bobby who could've been aromantic, but just didn't have the words for that nor an environment that accepted singlehood, (sometimes) eventually accept the brainwash-y belief that they are broken, that romance will fix them, that they'll need to try again and again and again, and if nothing works regardless of how many times you try, you just land with the next best thing, which is marrying some body. And Hell, in the song "Being Alive" Bobby doesn't even ask for someone specific that he hopes to love, he just asks for anyone. For some aros, they may see this as viewing as "problematic," or simply just sad, but after watching David J. Bradley's video about his own viewing of Company, some older aros found it cathartic, as in they did what Bobby did for years until they found the label aromantic and felt seen. Of course, the musical as a whole in an aromantic specific perspective is not a win, but the musical is still worth checking out. ________________________________________________________________ Here's the link to David's channel: https://youtube.com/@DavidJBradley?si=mquSf0jsCWcD8DFi

Sunflowers! I have seen them as a symbol used by some aroallos. Similarly to yellow roses, it can mean friendship, but I have seen it used to generally mean friends with benefits, or simply being aroallo, and the yellow and green of the flower looks similar to the aroallo flag. Sunflowers also aren't typically associated as a romantic flower (though,there was a time it meant romantic feelings or innocent love, because people used to and still do gift it to others instead of red roses, but I digress). Also, heart sunglasses worn by aros because we love being ironic. I actually wish I could buy some, but I'm legally blind without my normal glasses, and buying a prescription pair of sunglasses in the shape of hearts would be expensive as shit.

Kind of like what @nonmerci said, a QPR is a relationship that goes against the binaries or expectations of what platonic and romantic relationships look like, or what platonic and romantic relationships have in regards to feelings, or activities, in their own respective ways. At the end of the day, a queerplatonic relationship is a relationship that can't be clearly defined, and can mean anything to those in that type of relationship. I do genuinely like the analogy of viewing QPRs as the non-binary gender of relationships.

I started going by aromantic around the age of 17, but even before that I was wondering why I wasn't in a relationship or having crushes.

I don't have an answer for you either, but this does remind me of right when I first started identifying as aromantic, lot's of people started either admitting they had had crushes on me, currently do, or even sometimes complete strangers will ask for my SnapChat (from the people I grew up around at least, this is not considered a platonic question anymore) and it confuses me truly. None of these people know I'm aromantic, though. There would even be people who are quite a bit older than me who would start flirting with me at work (this doesn't happen as much, thank God). And like, sure I know I'm young and whatnot, but I dress so masculinely, and most of the people who flirt with me are men/guys, so I guess they're just into that - and into my stale ass responses to their flirting.

Lots of people deal with imposter syndrome over many different things, but I too dealt with it over an identity of mine. It wasn't over my aromanticism necessarily, but with discovering my gender identity. I thought that I was just trying to be special and thought, I'm going to wake up tomorrow and realize that I've actually been my AGAB this whole entire time! It got better over time, drastically better, but it felt like torture constantly being worried if I was "faking it." Having discovered aromanticism, I went through a worse period in my life than dealing with imposter syndrome. Despite the beginning of my aro journey mainly being me trying to accept myself as aro, I do have these moments where I ask myself, Is aromanticism actually real? Which it 100 % is! I usually end up thinking in that way if the people around me keep asking me about my love life and why I'm not interested in relationships at all; their assumption that I would either (in some weird natural state) already be in a relationship, or assume that I'm sad for not being in one, sometimes gets to me.

Has anyone said anything about Frankie Stein from Monster High yet?

For me, it took me a long time to realize that my "crushes" were actually 'meshes' (an alterous attraction form of a "crush"). I never had any romantic inclinations towards the person I liked, just a want for an emotional closeness, where we didn't have to do anything romantic (hold hands, kiss, go on dates, etc, although these things aren't inherently romantic), I never thought about wanting to be in a relationship with the individual I alterously fancied, because the thought of actually entering such a relationship with them made my stomach full of dread and caused me to have anxiety. I would just be giddy about getting close to them, and would want a deep bond, while just wanting to be their friend. I haven't felt any meshes towards anyone in a long time, but realizing that that was what my past feelings were, I came to the conclusion that I never had an actual crush, ever. It took me a long time to determine this, but ultimately - although sometimes I know you'll just want to know the answer - it is up to you on whether or not you did have crushes before, or currently do. And regardless, just know this, you're not any less aro if you had had crushes, nor are you less aro if you still experience them.

I didn't even know aromanticism was a thing when I was younger, I only ever heard of the term/label 'asexual.' But when I started hearing about aroaces, and wanted to know what the abbreviated word 'aro' meant, I found 'aromanticism,' and kind of learned that aro-ness and ace-ness were two different things in that way. I wouldn't yet learn of the terms 'alloromantic' and 'allosexual' for a long time, until I would later find out that I'm aromantic, so knowing to call some aspec people alloace or aroallo, didn't cross my mind. I would see some people when I was younger, though, state that aro(spec) people couldn't be aro unless they were ace(spec) and I found that silly to think, because people (not all people ofc) could accept that some aces can fall in love, but couldn't accept that some people can experience sexual attraction and not fall in love? Why would someone need to be both if they're aro, but if you're ace you don't need to be?

In my experience in coming out as aro to mainly my in-person friends (or a friend of mine in the know coming out for me/outing me ), or in telling my siblings, there are a few that sum up my aromanticism as asexuality, or in being both aro and ace, constantly. I would correct them and say that I'm aromantic which is different from being asexual, but it still happens from time to time - with the same people I correct still making that same mistake. Luckily, now instead of declaring me asexual or aroace confidently when discussing those identities, or amatonormativity, they would instead pause for a second and actually try to remember what I had corrected the label of asexual to, to which I would have to tell them once again that I'm aromantic. I can really only think of one very close friend of mine who isn't aspec that knows to differentiate aromanticism from asexuality, really. I know every queer person will always be coming out to others (if they desire to) for the rest of their lives, but there really is a unique form of coming out that aspec people go through, and that's educating who we're coming out to on the mere existence of such a community. Yes, trans people (particularly non-binary(spec) people) and allosexuals with a microlabel sexuality will have to do this too, but aspecs are often thought of as an improbability by even other fellow queers.