The Newest Fabled Creature

My mother has often made comments about several guys I know and she'd often make this face of "~oooh, you like them?~" and pry about my feelings towards them; even when I bring up girls she'd also ask that same question (granted I was in a qpr with a gal friend of mine at some point, but I didn't tell my mom that). Until recently, where I told her that I don't think I'd ever want a relationship like that, which she was surprisingly not oh-that'll-change-in-the-future, she'd just keep on asking and asking. Thinking of it on a larger scale in my country, America (and maybe some other people on this topic that also live in America could relate??), anything physical or any admiration of another person, is taken as either sexual interest or romantic interest, all the damn time. We're a touch starved country with heavy pedestals on relationships.

That's actually awesome of your mom to say. I don't know if she knows you're aro-spec, but maybe she'd be accepting of you? My mom, based on relationships she has had, told me before when I admitted that maybe I'd want to be alone for, like, forever, that that was a valid option of living. I think she still expects me to just get married one day, but it made me feel good hearing her say that.

It could be actually. It's hard to explain, because for a rural and conservative area, pretty much lot's of people (mainly the boomers and some gen X-ers) expect everyone to fill in the status quo: be straight, cis, and have a partner, and/or kids. But there's also this underlined "We kind of don't give a shit," to the area (that I live in at least) where, yeah, if you're openly queer there may be some people who will have a few thoughts, and the same for if a the community knows your business and so knows your single and that you haven't made any moves to change that - but take action on it? No. So, conversations regarding romance and sex aren't ever really explored upon unless they're unoriginally only straight and cis focused. And even then, because there be quite a lot of religious people, some of them may not even want to dive into those topics at all even if they fit into a box of their liking.

One "good" misconception (belief more-like) is that we don't exist or never had until recently. -__-

I feel like in some cases, whole entire families, or parents, don't want their kid to even explore labels or expression, because they don't want to come to terms with the fact that their child may be queer, even if it could be a phase they're in.

I have to make a correction, I got my binder from an organization called WIVOV. I thought it was Spectrum, but I guess not lmao, but I intend to buy from Spectrum soon! I've seen reviews from others that WIVOV has good binder, though.

I got my username mainly in relationship with my gender identity and how I experience being non-binary/genderqueer.

For anyone who is the Country genre type, which yeah yeah I know not a lot of people are and I barely listen to it myself, but I couldn't help but want to find songs that have queer vibes in them - and what better than the ones that have the artist want to live alone, and so could be interpreted as aromantic*? 1) Southern Nights by Glenn Campbell - the song is just about the singer sharing a love they have for the South in mainly just the landscape and nights - 2) Cowpoke by Colter Wall - the singer rejoicing in being a lonesome wanderer, a cowpoke/cowboy (the melody is very beautiful too) - 3) (I Got Spurs That) Jingle, Jangle, Jingle by Kay Kriser & His Orchestra - once again the singer being happy that they're single - 4) Quiet, Heavy Dreams by Zach Bryan - the singer trying to hold onto the hope that there's still someone out there for them, but the song gives off a vibe that the singer knows that it's not destined to be 5) I'd Have to Think About It by Leith Ross - the singer singing about their dreams of hopefully falling in love (or if you interpret the song as aro-spec, then maybe potentially falling in love) in the future, but when faced with the actuality of others loving them in the moment, they freeze up - 6) Have You Ever Seen The Rain? by Credence Clearwater Revival - the singer goes on about the toughness of life and yet how beautiful it can be, and the singer using an aspect of nature to convey their feelings gives off aro vibes to me, much like Southern nights - 7) Going Up The Country by Canned Heat - the singer going on about going to a far off place that is paradise to them which involves being away from society and it's problems, and inviting others like them to join in reaching that place - 8) Gals Don't Mean A Thing by Johnny Bond - the singer explaining how in their young life they've already been through and through with the blues, so much to where said blues don't really stay, simply because they can't love people like how they're "supposed" to - (this song in particular actually makes me wonder if there were artists who were most definitely aromantic*, but just didn't have that word to describe themselves and probably just dubbed themselves straight (especially if they were heterosexual anyway) or maybe even queer if they were comfortable with that) 9) Long Haired Country Boy by The Charlie Daniels Band - gives off the-angry-aro-who-wants-to-be-left-the-hell-alone vibes to me - 10) They Say It's Wonderful - from "Annie Get Your Gun" by Doris Day - the singer goes over how many people say that falling in love is the most amazing thing, how everyone obsesses over it, but the singer can't exactly relate and is annoyed that they're just told love is great without being given an explanation as to how it's great - Honorable Mentions: Take Me Home, Country Roads by John Denver I've Been Everywhere by Johnny Cash Call Me The Breeze by Lynyrd Skynyrd (my favorite "aro" country song ever) Don't Ask Me No Questions by Lynyrd Skynyrd

There is a song called Lithromantic by weeklyn ft. Crymode I believe the artist could actually be Lithromantic, but it's an indie song where the artist is venting about his experiences of (potentially) being aro-spec, or at least experiencing romantic attraction towards people and it going away when the other reciprocates.

Just ordered a binder, and actually decided to buy from Spectrum! I couldn't find the correct size for me when looking through Underworks, 'cause I think most of them were out, so I looked to Spectrum and it was still affordable and had my size 👍

Thank you lot's for your input! I'll check out Spectrum and Shapeshifters as well, and I may end up buying from Underworks since that seems more affordable for me.

Heya! So, I've been wanting to get a binder for a while now, but wasn't able to get one because I had yet to be able to get a job. Now that I have one, with some steady income, I was wanting to try to buy a binder either tonight or tomorrow, or in general the next few days. The advice I was seeking, since I know the mandatory ways and time to wear a binder and what not to do in them, was from what website/organization I should buy them from? I know there's gc2b, but some people have warned against buying from them (or at least last year I heard a lot of trans folk saying that), since their quality supposedly went down, and has been prone to hurt people's chest, even when the buyer had made sure to get the right size. And then there's Underworks, which isn't heavily focused on transgender needs like gc2b, but still has chest binders. The reason why I'm torn is because I don't know if maybe gc2b has upped their quality again as of late, and if Underworks (despite not being trans orientated) has good binders. Any advice from trans and cis people who have bought binders from either or, would be appreciated!

Thank you for sharing! And, yeah, I guess the alloro experience isn't as cut in dry as I originally thought. I also agree on what you said, where the only choice an alloro person may have is to act on said feelings.

Hello! So, I seen a topic related to this before, and have seen other fellow aros/aro-specs on here bring up how alloros never really have to try - they just do - with their romantic feelings (the same, I think, can be said for some aro-specs who can experience romantic attraction, but I digress), and it got me wondering just how true that can be? I'm not trying to debate that that isn't true, I believe that alloros do just have their romantic feelings and can't really control it (hell, I had a conversation with my very alloro brother who confirmed he had crushes on strangers before, after knowing them only a tiny bit - mostly just the person's name), but despite knowing this - the reason why I bring it up, is because I had a conversation with my mom about aromantic people. The talk went as well as someone who doesn't know much about the community would go (she did make assumptions about certain people being aro, mainly just aromantic men *sigh*) and she doesn't know I myself am aro, but she said something really damning to me. Now, I'm not going to assume anything about my own mom in regarding her own romantic orientation, but she did say, "People choose who they have a crush on, or who they fall in love with, all the time!" And it looked pretty clear that she meant everyone when she said that and it looked like she very much believed what she was saying. But, we all know that not every single person chooses who they like. And so, back to the topic at hand, I know by now that this forum can be limited in the experiences of alloros or romantic feelings, but does anyone have any examples of alloro people they know not being able to choose who they crushed on, or any aro-specs who have experienced romantic attraction who may be able to further explain this? Because, I did try to tell her that - no, people don't choose who they like romantically, or at least, not everyone does that - and she looked deeply confused and steadfast in her thoughts. I can't exactly explain further to her about how alloros can't control themselves, since I'm not exactly the right person to answer that, and it's not necessarily my responsibility to try to convince her otherwise, but I guess for future reference it be cool to know examples. TLDR; Anyone have any examples of alloros not being able to choose who they crushed on, or any aro-specs who didn't choose who they crushed on? I just really want to know.

No you didn't go off-topic, I completely get that and share the same sentiments. Yeah, things are unknown, but at the end of the day, when someone is old enough to understand identity then who they say they are must be treated with respect and believed - since, their identity may have been pre-existing, it's just they didn't have the language or words for it yet.

Someone has definitely said this already, but: People believing you'll still fall in love, or would hold onto the hope you'll fall in love, despite explaining to them and even showing them how that won't be the case. Basically, false allyship. Allonormativity is so ingrained into people, that coming out as aro to others who don't know about it, or barely grasp it, may say, "Okay, I understand, you just don't feel that way towards people," but would still hold onto this hope - this "inevitable" gotcha moment - that you'll still find someone and fall in love. Paying along with you essentially. And if someone who's aro ends up in a relationship of some sort, they wouldn't hear the end of it from these kinds of people. Hell, some aro/aro-spec people I know have heard their family members - family members who claimed to have "undying support" - say to them, "Why did you tell us if you were gonna end up being in a relationship anyway?" As if the aro person in question who chose to confide in them with such personal information, even with the possibility that maybe it wouldn't matter if they came out if they ended up in a relationship, was silly for doing that. What also chaps my ass is the whole entire argument of, "Oh, a young person can't know if they're aro (or any queer identity ever) because they're a kid," while an allocishet kid is left alone, because that identity is so defaulted it's not questioned, at all. It's never questioned if Little Jimmy has a crush on Little Sarah. Like, if people are going to believe the whole entire, "Oh, it could be a phase!" or "Kids don't know that much about themselves!" then they need to apply that to straight cisgender kids, as well. Because there's many people who thought they were allosexual/alloromantic, or straight, or cisgender, for years, till they realized that they actually weren't; doesn't make their previous identity invalid, but people don't take these kinds of experiences into account at all; but oh, if someone identified as queer and either found out later that they weren't, or found that they were a different identity, then it's all "People are making it up" or "It's a phase" type shit. I also find it incredibly creepy when a little girl and boy befriend each other, and their separate parents say something like, "Oh I can just see them married already 🥲" Um... excuse me? They're fucking three?!

I love these so much aaah > <

A strong aro moment I tend to feel constantly, is like this psychological slap to the face whenever someone tries to ask me about my romantic life or if someone confides to me that they like me, or someone they know likes me. It's a strange feeling. It feels like a part of me just shuts off tbh. I also feel it when people misgender me, too.

I read from someone else that being aromantic isn't necessarily an identity revolved around romance consumption, but it is an identity based on one's experience of romantic attraction and how one experiences, or views (or sometimes even how someone feels about) romantic relationships. It is a diverse human experience that someone can embody for any reason, a diverse human experience that is real and that is valid, and that someone who may have these experiences can state that is what they are, or not, because that's the power an individual has over identity. Same thing about asexuality, and if someone who is ace consumes media that has sex in it; the identity is based on experiences in both attraction and relationships, than media consumption. Like, there's straight people who may like gay romances more than straight ones, and I have gay friends who tend to invest in straight romances more than queer ones, since said romances may come from a show, movie, game, or book that said friends really like. Both people in these scenarios are no less than who they are because of the media they consume. And as an aroallo who loves romances, I may never experience romantic love ever, but seeing that that is a possibility for other human beings and seeing these amazing stories be crafted around the relationship of two or more people, is breathtaking to me; granted only if written well (^^'') And I completely understand the romantic-relationship-candidate as pect; maybe not in the way you experience it, but I only really imagine myself in "romantic" relationships with fictional characters. And even then, I'm aro in my imaginations as well - so for the most part, I can't even imagine being in any relationship either for very long lol

I knew this already deep down, but I think I needed to see this still; and it reminds me of a conversation I had with my brother (who is very much alloromantic) about having crushes on strangers. I said something along the lines of, "I kind of get the feeling of crushes, since I've had intense grey emotions towards people. So, like, I'm almost able to undertsnad how it feels, but I don't get the "how" in having crushes that alloros have. Like... do you actually have crushes on complete strangers?" My brother: "Uh, yeah, and it sucks -" Me: "Wait, really? Like, you have a crush on them, even though you know nothing about them?" My brother; "I mean... sometimes? I mean, for me, I could their name and you could know them a bit to call them a friend. But, like, yeah, I've had crushes like that. And it sucks." Me: * shocked pikachu face *

Hello! It can be hard accepting being aro, and especially aroallo, I went through similar stuff myself in that regard. You're not alone, and it's okay to not be okay with yourself after finding out.

Having autism is just an experience, truly. So, like, I stim, not quite as much as I did as a kid, but it transitioned to different forms to be less obvious (like, as a kid I played with inanimate objects instead of my toys, but then that turned to me fiddling with things like pens now or walking back n' forth in a room). I also eye stim? If that's a thing? Like, I'll pin point something with my eyes, and I don't do it as much as I did as a kid, but I would just look at something for the general feeling of either spacing out or for the sensation of seeing something out of the corner of my eye. But, most of the time, and I don't think I make any face at all while doing so? - I would just stare and that's it. I get overstimulated a lot, and often seek out a something for just one of my senses to be overloaded with (Loud room? find something that smells good or listen to music louder than the loud thing. Something smells abominable? find a rough textured something to feel aggressively or find something really soft to rub my face into. Felt a texture that is despised? bite something or make aggressive grabby hands in the air for no reason). Don't even get me started on the hyperfixations dear God

@alto Woah! I'll check it out!! Also, write romance songs if you want! If I had any instrumental prowess to go along with my voice, I'd probably write songs about romance and such. Like, there would be songs about being aro and gender, but tbh there would probably be lot's of songs like "oh I saw a butterfly today :)" lmao

Realizing that I experienced alterous attraction towards friends of mine as a kid, I labeled these intense bubbly emotions as "crushes," since I had no other way of describing what these feelings were, and usually it did feel like I wanted to be really close with them but not once did I think of that in the romantic sense. And although plenty of times I may have wanted to be close with them platonically, I never really labeled it as platonic as well. I didn't think of it as... anything, relationship-wise, just that I wanted to be close, but not in any exact way. It was this grey area. Alterous. Only one time do I remember clearly and consciously choosing a crush, and it was on some random boy in middle school on our basketball team, but I think for the most part me labeling my feelings as "crushes" might be the majority of me "choosing" to have a crush. Not choosing to experience my emotions, which I really only experienced strong alterous attraction on two people in my life, but choosing in labeling said feelings as crushes.

I mean, although I do feel this strong disconnect with alloro people stating how they're happy being single, but can still very well experience romantic attraction, my aro playlist has plenty of songs by alloro artists. Most of them are about the singer's complicated feelings about relationships (typically the heteronormative monogamous types), or is about the singer going on about their close bond with their friends, or even their friendships falling apart, or is even about them experiencing a different type of emotional attraction that isn't romantic. It's not the same as aro artists descrivbing their experiences, like Cavetown, Donovan Funk, others I can't remember at the top of my head, or alloro people dedicating albums for us like Moses Sumney, or people we don't know for sure are aro or alloro making songs for us like MaJiKer; but some of these songs touched a part of how I experience being aro, and so I add them. There isn't a lot of aro artists to go around, and so we make do with the broad experiences that people who are alloro also experience (though, sometimes I wonder if there is more aro-spec people, and so aro-spec music artists, than we think there is, but I digress).