The Newest Fabled Creature

Yeah, I would not have made for a "gold star aro" since I technically dated someone in a QPR before, thought I had crushes when I was younger, am loveless, and I'm not really romance-repulsed at all. I fail this version too, lmao I fail the whole entire list

I get that. Two of my most favorite fantasy book series ever (Daughter of Smoke & Bone by Laini Taylor and Red Queen by Victoria Aveyard) does have that heternormative-it-really-doesn't-have-to-be-there romances. They are great fantasy examples, don't get me wrong, where DOSB has Chimera, Seraphim, resurrection, and soul magic, and Red Queen has revolutionary-people-with-powers shit - both I do believe are worth it to read, but the romances are only really good for the side characters? Like, the main characters in DOSB have a very soulmate type romance which is somewhat stomachable in how it's written, but I do see that trope a lot and get tired of it sometimes, and Red Queen's main characters are very unstable and I feel like should've had way more time to be by themselves and to heal. Both series' side character romances I was way more invested in, to be honest, and especially Red Queen's who has some queer relationships that feel way more organic then the straight ones.

I legit have had more people ask me that now than when I've come to terms with being aro, where I swear - no one confessed to having crushes on me, or tried to ask me out, or asked about my romantic life, before I even thought about questioning myself on being aromantic. Now, if someone ever asks me in what I would find appealing in a future partner, I would say, "The capacity to walk away."

I do find it that lot's of aspec people don't like romantic and/or sexual media, and it can be liberating to talk about that dislike or disconnect, which can lead into emotional and important topics associated with amatonormativity and allonormativity. All of that is completely valid! But, it's also 100% valid to like those kinds of media, too! I'm aroallo and I still love romantic genres (although, I am quite picky), and sometimes I ship characters romantically more than platonically, or queerplatonically (unless a character is blatantly aspec, then I ship them queerplatonically with others). There's nothing that makes you any "less" aroace, like how me loving romance every once in a while doesn't make me any less aro. Think of it as this: if you don't consider other aspecs any less because of the media they consume, then that means you're not any less for the media you consume.

There could be other terms that I'm just not aware of, but in my opinion, I'd say that you can definitely call a potential relationship a QPR even if there's romantic attraction involved sometimes! QPRs are supposed to be liberating relationships that consist of non-normative feelings, relationship styles, or identities. You don't have to be aspec to have a QPR, nor do you even have to be queer, and sometimes romance (whether that be the action or the feeling) can be incorporated into these relationships. Being aroflux is just another beautiful part of the aspec community, and another sacred queer identity, and however you want to define a future relationship is entirely up to you and your partner(s). Some arofluxes may define their relationship as romantic when they do experience romantic attraction to their partner(s), and some don't at all and may still define as it was before. There's no need to sweat it though. Your identity, and any relationship you may or may not have, is valid and welcomed here, no matter how you want to define it; and if anyone says otherwise they're wrong.

I can see why you think there's no point in romantic relationships because of your aromanticism, and I relate to that. I do see aromantics who enter QPRs or who enter romantic relationships, though, and there are aromantic people who are already married when they discover their aromanticism and may still want that relationship, or some who already know they're aro but still want to get married to their partner(s). To some, as @organs and bones said, they just want a connection and may even feel a strong attraction toward who they're with but it's just not romantic. QPRs are usually the types of relationships I see aros and aces enter, though you don't have to be aro or ace to enter one, nor do you have to even be queer to have that queer relationship; and QPRs can consist of neither romantic and sexual things in the relationship, or only sexual things in the relationship, or only romantic things in the relationship, or a secret third thing, or include romantic and sexual things in the relationship. Some people ask, what makes a QPR that has both romo and sex in it any different from a romantic relationship? The partners deciding that it's a QPR, that is.

It was nearing Valentine's Day, I was at work and some random customer asked me if I was dating anyone, and I only ever seen this guy one other time in the store, and so technically one other time in my whole life. I told him (while smiling to lessen the blow) that no I wasn't dating anyone, but that I was not interested in dating. He smiled, said, "Okay, I just wanted to know," and walked out. A few days later he comes back in and I hit him with the cold treatment, and I haven't seen him since. I don't know if it's because of that last interaction with him, or if he found someone else to bother (because yes, I find situations like these as bothering me), but I have been placed on night shifts for a long while, so it could be that he has been frequenting the store but I just never see him. I literally dress so butch though and have a boy's cut, and go by a gender neutral/masculine name, so I to the Gods above, don't know how he was attracted to me, but it could be that he's a straight dude that's into that, or that he isn't straight. I know it's not right to assume something like that of a stranger, but this happens quite a bit. Not to say that there aren't straight people with gaydars, but I have seen that it takes a lot more for straight people to know that who they're talking to isn't like them. I guess in summary, just say you're not interested in that kind of thing, lie and say you are seeing someone, or just say a stern "No" and leave it as that.

The thing is, with the concept of a "late bloomer," it's meant to be considered someone being late to something "important," when romantic attraction and relationships aren't the most important things in the world, really (though, I'm not saying that to try to diminish the relationships that minorities have fought for). It can be important to an individual, but for the whole world to experience? No. In my opinion, there is no late bloomer, there's just people who experience romantic love later on, and people who never do experience it later on. You do seem stressed about potentially being a late bloomer right now, and so you need to ask yourself, "Is it important to you for you to experience romantic love? or "Are you afraid of not being aromantic "the whole time""? Because, I can tell you two things: (1) There are arospec people who experience romantic love and relationships rarely, or under certain circumstances. (2) There are people who "faking" being queer in a certain way wouldn't be worried about becoming "un-queer" or "not being queer enough," they would be more concerned about faking it right or enough.

You can absolutely sing love songs as an aro! In fact, I find it empowering when someone who can't feel romantic love sings romance songs to steal it from the allos (lmao). Some of my favorite songs that are supposed to be love songs I can actually see it being about a different kind of love (i.e. "Till Then" 1958 by The Mills Brothers, I really only see being about familial love), and there's some love songs I just love singing (i.e. "The longest Time" by Billy Joel).

I feel like my depression and anxiety were getting better over time, but my physical health has taken a nose-dive in some departments, and so my depression and anxiety has been rearing their ugly heads. I found that it's really hard for me to keep up with communication between friends, I totally forewent any contact with extended family members at this point, and it's hard for me to do things I really enjoy like writing, singing, doing theater, wanting to join diverse organizations, etc. To be honest, I have no clue what was making my mental illnesses "easier" to cope with before, but I can only hope to learn to deal with it all over again with these new tribulations. I guess reassurances that things will be okay would be nice. Or seeing people who went through the same physical things I'm going through right now tell me that I can still have a life of my own, that it can get better, and if it doesn't then there are ways for me to live comfortably still.

I would say to do research. Learn what and what not counts as flirtatious dialogue, while also keeping in mind that some places may give you outdated or cheesy dialogue, or may be biased in what counts as flirting - so try to look into different places about it. You could also ask allo people/friends about what counts as flirting!

Welcome AroAceGamer! I hope you enjoy your stay on the forum! It's not perfect, but it's a really cool place here! To answer your questions: I basically found out that I was aromantic from asking myself 4-5 years ago, "Why haven't I had a crush in literal years?" And then when I started applying the aro label to myself (after needing a while to accept myself), I realized that my past "crushes" were actually meshes (an alterous attraction version of a crush), since I didn't want romantic relationships with the people I liked and felt dread at the prospect of them liking me back romantically; even if in fantasy I "wanted" them to like me like that. I came out to friends first, then to my brother who's very much a "Live your life as you want dude 😎" kind of guy and ally. I was hesitant to come out to my sister, because although she's very much an ally to the queer community and finds bigotry of any kind fucking stupid, she did show hesitance in accepting polyamorous relationships as actual valid relationships, and so I was worried she would view QPRs the same way, and in causation, view aspec people in the same way. I came out to her via text rather than face-to-face (which was how I came out to my friends and brother) and she accepted me! I did tell her how I was worried about her possible non-acceptance, and she said that she was sorry for making me feel that way, and that to her, it makes sense for aromantic and asexual people to exist. I still haven't come out to my mom, though, who I can see accepting me for the fact that my mom is completely done with any romantic relationships and had even confided in me about two very aro things she said ("I think people choose who they fall in love with all the time!" and "I think I was only ever meant to have kids and no partner what so ever"), but she's also the kind of person to literally say things about how people can change who they are like 180 in five years 🙄

So, I don't know if this should've been placed in "Off Topic," but "Sexuality and Gender" also seemed like a good spot, but has anyone else who is trans (or trans-adjacent) been experiencing this? It's not that you can't talk about being trans around certain family members because it's "shameful," or something that shouldn't be talked about, or that it's something little kids "aren't supposed to know about" or "couldn't understand," but because you're afraid of your little family members accidentally outing you to other people? Living in a Southern State makes it kind of scary to talk about being trans, and it's not that there aren't plenty of trans people, or queer people in general, in the South (I've met quite a few middle-aged-to-elderly transfems at my retail job which is located in a very conservative small town, so huge amounts of respect to those girls), nor am I saying there aren't any accepting folk, but there's plenty of intolerance here, too. I live in Kentucky, and although recently we've been shown to be the most queerest State in the U.S. and we've made governor a trans/queer ally, there are a lot of people who have been supporting politicians that are very transphobic and anti-abortion around here. A transphobic law prohibiting trans kids for seeking out gender affirming healthcare had been passed quite a long while ago, against our current governor's wishes (Drag Queens and Kings have been prohibited from having any shows, and "any female or male impersonators" are to be reported, which includes trans people indefinitely in that statement). But, I was wondering if anyone else has been going through this kind of experience, regardless if you're trans or not, where it's not necessarily you sharing your experience with your family being the problem or enlightening them about your communities, but instead outside people possibly finding out?

As what is stated above, you should tell them that it's making you uncomfortable. I understand the feeling, though it comes from my family members more often than not. My siblings know of my aromanticism, so if they "shipped" me with anyone it is obviously a joke and it's actually never with irl people but fictional characters I hyperfixate on. My mom doesn't know about me though, and will actively try to investigate my platonic relationships with guys and even girls sometimes.

It's nice to meet you Jerry!

Here's a few more just for fun: Too Sweet and Someone New by Hozier What Do You Want Me To Say? by Dismemberment Plan I Don't Want a Nuclear Family by Sharp Shock Girl Alone by Mother Mother Waterloo Sunset by The Kinks People Will Say We're In Love by The Oklahoma Musical Cast I Won't Send Roses by The Mack & Mabel Musical, Jerry Herman and Robert Preston (a problematic musical, but I thought this song was so aro) I Like Being A Bitch! by Trip Kissing Weird Girl by Mommy Long Legs

Pretty much what @Sili said. I only ever been in one relationship and it was a QPR, but me and my previous partner didn't hold hands quite as much, we never kissed, and we didn't say many romantic things to each other, nor pet-names. Most of the time, it felt like I was treating them like I always treated them, which was in a friendly manner from having had a platonic relationship with them first. It did very much feel like I was acting, but I was also translating everything into a platonic outing rather than a date when me and them went out, so most of the time I felt relaxed, but despite that I would later find out I was non-partnering and ended the QPR shortly after. The only thing that made my relationship different from other typical allo romantic relationships, is not only because we didn't do typical romantic things, but also because we both knew it was a QPR, and because I just didn't love them like how they loved me. To other people who were in the know, they would have deemed that past relationship romantic, but me and my partner both knew that that wasn't so, and that was all that truly mattered at the time.

Yeah! It's like, I don't mean to think ill of any couples, but I often times think too, "How long is that gonna last?" And I know I only think it because I don't experience what they're experiencing, but I also see too many times relationships fall apart.

Boyfriend by COIN I Don't Wanna Dance by COIN (I love songs where people don't want to dance, and dance means "to mingle" in these songs) I Don't Want Love by The Antlers You Can Make Me Want You by Suzi Quatro Call Me The Breeze by Lynryd Skynyrd Alone and Sublime by Mother Mother Me, Myself, and I by G-Eazy, Bebe Rexha Myself by Bazzi I Don't Want Kids by Thomas Benjamin Wild Esq, Ben Dawson (I Got Spurs That) jingle Jangle Jingle by Kay Kriser and His Orchestra Make The Grade by Jack Conte I'd Rather Be A Stone by Thomas Hien

I guess a, "Wow I'm aromantic" moment would be when I recognize couples all around me and think to myself, "Why would anyone want that?" To which then I think to myself, "Wait, the majority of people want that, but not me. There's literally couples right in front of me. Wow, I'm aromantic." Sometimes I'll straight up forget that I'm aro, and other times I'm too consciously aware of it.

Someone has most definitely already said this, but I always felt like reclaiming Aphrodite, just like how some aros reclaimed Cupid since he has lead arrows that can make people not fall in love. A part of me has never liked a pre-destined fate of being able to fall in love or not being able to fall in love, but taking deities that are supposed to be alloromantic allosexual and stating how they may not be has always been fun, because then it adds another layer onto them being deities of love or passion. It can still be amatonormative regardless, though, so that's why I felt like reclaiming these Gods but never actually have.

This is so eloquent, I'll need to use it at some point if what I said were to happen again. I think some people just need to internalize that you shouldn't have to literally convince someone to be with you, or to give you an explanation into something personal, or to do something romantic/sexual for you. People often forget that, because being persistent or chasing someone is normalized and defaulted (most of the time with men, but some cases with women or anyone, though it's a different kind of persistence); it's maybe not liked by everyone, but definitely normalized and defaulted. And I am not saying that being persistent or chasing is inherently bad, just as long as everyone involved actually wants to be chased or wants to be persistent, and has actually and actively communicated that. We see in movies and shows the Guy™️ character chasing the Girl™️ character, and either she literally doesn't know about it, or she's suddenly all bashful despite not having liked the guy in the beginning, and that has always confused me?? I've had "friends" like that too, though mainly in middle school. In high school some people had crushes on me, but no one ever actively pursued me, and that felt great. In middle school, though, lot's of guys kept on asking me if I was dating anyone, including girls - who either were just confused as to why I told them I never dated anyone and don't want to, or some of the girls I knew had crushes on me too - and some even asked why I didn't use makeup and I knew they were jabbing at my acne, though I would tell them that I simply didn't like using makeup, which is still true; Hell, a guy friend of mine asked me, "How do you not feel insecure at all?" and for a while I thought that that was an admirable trait of mine to not care, but then that question only started to make me feel more insecure than I ever did in my school life for a good long while. I think I was made more insecure about why I didn't want to date though, since everyone kept wanting to know why.

I would suggest confirming if this is a date or not. I know that can be nerve-wracking, but if you do want to hang out with her, you should make it clear that it's just platonic from your end. It's perfectly fine to go by gut instincts and to second guess if this is a date, because honestly some people just don't flat out ask others in a "Do you want to go on a date with me?" fashion anymore; this has always got on my nerves, but the people that do this don't do it out of malicious intent. To her (if it is a date), she may be thinking that she is being loud and clear, but in my opinion if she still has feelings for you and is trying to go on a date with you, then she should be way more clear; because this also ends up as a detriment to the allo person in not calling the activity as it is to the other, because then the person they like may still just view them as a friend, and in this case that's literally so. For some allos, going out with them on what you don't know is a date would look like you're reciprocating to them, and it's just how I've seen some allos act and plus I have had this happen to me before. Hell, some allo friends of mine that had crushes on me would turn something that originally wasn't a date into a date during it and would still somehow end up surprised when I didn't return their feelings.